Season 1, Episode 1, “Our Very First Show”

I gotta be honest with you:  I really wanted to do a Family Matters review blog but they never released it on DVD.  I just thought it was only fair that I let everyone know that before I got started.

So here we go:  The saga of the Tanner family begins with Danny Tanner telling his mom that it’s seriously time for her to get out of his house.  It’s not really clear why he’s so adamant about her leaving…  Maybe she’s always raggin’ on him, or competes with him for his children’s love?  Based on their body language, I think it’s most likely that Danny was becoming consumed with Oedipal urges and needed to get her out of his sight before it cost him his eyes.  Whatever the reason, he wants that sexy mom out of his house, so out she goes!

Danny’s kids are pretty upset about Grandma’s departure, but Danny assures them that everything will be fine because their two idiot uncles are on their way to come live with them.  So who are these guys?  I bet that some people have seen hundreds of episodes of this show without being totally clear on how exactly everyone’s related.  So:  Jesse is the brother of Danny’s deceased wife and Joey is just some friend of Danny’s.  It’s pretty clear that neither of these guys had much else going on and aren’t moving in so much to be charitable as for free rent.  Jesse arrives first, carrying his entire personality in the form of a guitar and a motorcycle helmet.  He regales Danny with an anecdote about his rebel lifestyle and some hot poon-tang he just scored until he’s interrupted by Danny’s kids.  Here we see for the first time Stephanie’s total disregard for others.  She forces Jesse to dance around with her like a ballerina even though all he wants to do is strum his guitar and talk about how much pussy he gets.

When Joey enters the scene, even the kids aren’t excited.  Every single line this guy says throughout the entire series makes you want to punch him in the face.  I was always under the impression that the rest of the family found his antics to be hilarious, but in this first episode everyone seems surprisingly cognizant of what an obnoxious asshole he is.  In order to feel welcome he unloads his shit into the alcove behind the living room and does a shitty Popeye impression.

Later we find the oldest daughter, DJ, creating a line down the middle of the room that she now has to share with her younger sister, Stephanie.  What an original concept!  Stephanie tries to figure out how to leave the room without crossing the divider, which leads to the most amazing moment in the whole episode.  She climbs up the drapes and is supposed to be sort of shimmying across them but the effect used is so awkward and unnatural that it creates a really surreal moment.  I guess someone is holding her up from the other side so she looks kind of weightless, sort of resembling when you get to see full body shots of the muppets in action.  There’s also this recording playing throughout the sequence that I think is supposed to be her straining but it’s this sort of hypnotic moaning sound.

Everyone comes in to trip out on the freaky visuals when Danny remembers he’s gotta get to his sportscaster job.  He leaves Jesse and Joey alone with the kids for the first time, which just might result in some hijinks.

I know that incompetent parenting is hilarious and everything, but it’s actually kind of terrifying to watch these two totally unqualified guys take care of children.  When the baby cries, Jesse yells, “Hey, shut up!” at her.  No shit!

When that doesn’t work, Joey does terrible impressions of Kermit, Pee Wee and a sprinkler.  Eventually they realize that she needs her diaper changed so they spray her with the sink hose and wrap her up in paper towels.  How are three single men gonna raise a baby!??!

A knock at the door reveals some cheap hoe who’s come over to bang Uncle Jesse.

Stephanie works hard to salt his game, but it’s DJ who successfully cockblocks him with the news that she’s moved into the garage.  I don’t know how she got all her stuff down there but it’s actually a pretty sweet set-up.  She’s chatting on the phone with Kimmy Gibbler, who, interestingly enough, doesn’t actually appear in the episode.

Rather than let her have her own room, everyone flips out and takes turns trying to get her to move back upstairs.  Joey does the absolute worst Bill Cosby impression I’ve ever seen in my life and then Jesse bribes her with 20 bucks.  Finally, Danny sits her down for a heart-to-heart chat and then the music comes on.  THE MUSIC!  That’s right, at the end of every episode of Full House some heartwarming music comes on and a touching moment occurs.  This one’s actually kind of valid on account of DJ is dealing with all the changes following her mom’s death, but just you wait!  Lots of forced emotional climaxes are on their way!

Now that DJ’s not sad anymore about her mom dying, the family all gather together to sing the Flintstones theme to Michelle.  It’s pretty bizarre to end the first episode of a sitcom with the theme from another sitcom, but somehow I doubt anybody gave it much thought.

Firsts:  Danny Tanner, Grandma (Danny’s mom), DJ Tanner, Stephanie Tanner, Michelle Tanner, Jesse Cochran, Joey Gladstone, Stephanie’s total disregard for others, the music, Kimmy Gibbler (does not actually appear but is referred to as the person on the phone with DJ), Jesse says, “Have mercy”.

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25 Responses to Season 1, Episode 1, “Our Very First Show”

  1. Uncle Jesse’s cheap hoe reminds me of Paris Hilton.


  2. Yuna Corne says:


    How did you steal my post!?

    How did you steal my post by FIVE HOURS?!


  3. Ruby Lee says:

    This is hands-down the coolest blog I’ve ever read. Word.


  4. Ruby Lee says:

    Also, did the first episode provide any context for the life-size mannequin of Joey (complete with pet spider monkey) that is visible in the background?


  5. Leroy Cook says:

    im bored at work. i stumble upon this wealth of analytical awesomeness…. started at season four…. but had to go back to season 1. now i will always have something to do. thank you. and now im probably gonna buy all seasons and watch with a new perspective of intense hatred. asshole. YOU HAVE TO DO MAMILY MATTERS NEXT!!!


  6. Dave Coulier was actually the reason I was so gung-ho for this show when it started. I have yet to track down and re-watch Out of Control, mostly because I don’t want to risk my foggy yet joyful childhood memories against the extreme possibility that he was as unfunny a douche on that show as he later was on Full House.

    Devil’s advocate: Coulier does do the best impression of Bob “Super Dave” Einstein in the world.


    • How Rude says:

      Right? I have fond memories of that too. Now every time I even think about his annoying ass I wanna find him and kill him.


    • maggie says:

      I watched Out of Control when I was twelve, and yes he was an unfunny douche then too.😉 He used the cut it out catchphrase even then.


  7. Nicky says:

    Greetings! So, I’ve decided it will actually be easier to send corrections episode-by-episode in the corrections.

    I will be thorough, because that is my way, but I won’t be offended if you choose not to take every hyphen-promoting correction I make.

    So, without further ado, here are corrections for Season 1 Episode 1:

    hoe –> ho
    I believe hoe is an accepted spelling, but can cause confusion with the gardening implement of the same name. Plural, however, would always be “hoes”.

    who interestingly enough –> who, interestingly enough,
    Comma pedant here.

    heart to heart –> heart-to-heart
    Compound adjective

    moms death –> mom’s death

    Firsts: Danny Tanner, Grandma (Danny’s mom), DJ Tanner, Stephanie Tanner, Michelle Tanner, Jesse Cochran, Joey Gladstone, Stephanie’s total disregard for others, the music, Kimmy Gibbler (does not actually appear but is referred to as the person on the phone with DJ), Jesse says, “Have mercy”.
    –> In list form, you may prefer to replace commas with semi-colons; that way, you can have comma use within individual items that won’t cause confusion.

    eg Kimmy Gibbler (does not actually appear but is referred to as the person on the phone with DJ); Jesse says, “Have mercy”.


  8. Jenna says:

    Oh dear god, just as I’d almost given up trying to explain the car-crashiness of this show to my husband and why I have to watch it when it’s on even though it annoys the hell out of me, I stumble upon this blog. I’m already wiping the tears of laughter out of my eyes and enjoying these little recaps… finally an explanation for something so henious and the real reason we all laugh at it.


  9. Laura says:

    I’m so excited to read this blog! My friend told me about it, and it sounded hilarious. Needless to say, after reading the first post you did not disappoint and I am looking forward to reading more of these!


  10. Christine says:

    Oedipus Rex reference in the first couple paragraphs…I’m hooked haha. Loving this blog🙂


  11. portcityperson says:

    Wow. I have not even finished the first episode’s review and I already laughed out loud, and I really do not lol very often. Then, when my desk’s phone rang, instead of saying “Thank you for calling (my company)..” I said “Thank you for calling Full House…” I will still be watching Full House every morning after work, and will be collection all 8 seasons.

    PS- Pam was a fucking whore.


  12. Kevin says:

    DJ’s lost Pillow People (Person?) is clearly on Stephanie’s half of the room. Since DJ created the line dividing the room/property, I would venture to say this is admission of Stephanie’s ownership.

    Perhaps DJ saying that she lost it in S2E18 was a successful attempt at tricking Stephanie into returning it to her without any payment. Typical Tanner manipulation.

    Also, I’m spending my Friday night posting a comment on a nearly four-year-old article about a two-season spaced discontinuity in the most discontinuous show ever made… I blame Joey. Fuck you, Gladstone.


  13. Jeanne says:

    How bad is your current living situation if a better alternative is going to live in a house with 2 other men and 3 obnoxious children, and furthermore, live in an alcove?
    Also, if Jesse is obsessed with rock n roll, motorcycles, and pussy, how did he think moving into this kind of environment would help these causes in any way? I know there are subsequent episodes where he leaves full house… I guess It’s pretty understandable.


  14. Ashley says:

    Someone told me to check out this blog. I love it so far. I am looking forward to seeing your thoughts and feelings on the later episodes. I’ve considered doing this with a few series, but I don’t have the time or patience for it.


  15. apollonia says:

    Did the house grow over the seasons? It’s been ages since I watched this show, but I remember the house as ridiculously big. Big enough for DJ to keep her own room at this point.


    • Yes as the seasons progress they remodle the house changing the basemrnt into a room for joey and the attic into a 2 bedroom apartment for jesse.
      in season 1 to 4 jesse lives in stephanies old room and michelle has her own room.


  16. Bridget says:

    It would be funny if the song “La-la-la” from “Rosemary’s Baby” sung by Mia Farrow was the theme that introduced baby Michelle!


  17. Aubyn says:

    Even from the get go, I questioned the genetics required to have three blonde girls as the kids. If Danny had brown hair, and Jesse, as her brother, had black hair(as did his and presumably her parents) how did the mom (I think seen in a flashback) have blonde hair and how did that trait pass over to all three kids? I am just starting, so I am probably really late to the part asking this on this awesome blog.


    • LORIMAR-Telepictures says:

      There was a topic about the recessive gene a while back on another episode.

      Our neighbors have black hair and their two kids are all dirty blonde. It happens


  18. Katie Kat says:

    I only will watch this terrible show in reruns if I’m bored, and there is nothing else on tv, AND if I can read this blog along side the episode. Tonight, Nick at Nite played the first episode. I hadn’t seen it in YEARS.

    I have to admit, I saw the very first episode when it debuted on ABC. I was four years old, playing with my uncle’s old cowboys and Indians set on my grandma’s den floor, and I thought this show was great. (Hey, I was four, and back then, most of the sitcoms were pretty awful!) Even I thought Stephanie climbing the curtains was ridiculous though! I could tell she was being held by something. If you can’t fool a four year old–your target audience–you know your show sucks balls.

    Anyway, I started to openly hate the show by the time I was seven. At some point when Stephanie’s hair turned straight and demon Michelle got more lines. This blog makes the show so much fun to hate.


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