Season 1, Episode 5, “Sea Cruise”

This episode is pretty unremarkable. The kids are away for the weekend because Grandma (who appears only as a car horn offstage) is taking them to their Honeybee meeting, which I guess is like the Girl Scouts or something but with bee suits. Stephanie makes a bunch of shitty bee puns and that’s it for the kids this episode.

With no kids in the house, the dads don’t know what to do with themselves. Jesse and Joey quickly decide that they want some sweet sweet poon-tang. Joey tries to sell the guys on cruising for ladies at the Three Stooges festival with, “You can meet some really fun girls there, and the great part is, they don’t mind if you poke ‘em in the eye.” I’m not sure if that statement is more suggestive of Joey bring terribly naïve or some sort of sex criminal.

Jesse suggests going to a Marilyn Monroe look-a-like contest in Tahoe. Danny sullies their boners by suggesting a night of male bonding instead. When his idea is protested, Danny plays the my-wife-just-died card. What are you supposed to say to that???

It’s kind of amazing how Danny doesn’t think twice about guilt-tripping the other dads into going on a lame fishing trip. Even when Jesse gets a booty-call from Roxanna, a famous rocker chick, Danny forces him to pass it up. To be fair, I guess if I had two worthless assholes living in my house for free, I’d probably feel like they were obligated to appease me from time to time, too.

So the dads go out on a boat and then Roxanna surprises Jesse by showing up anyway with two hot chicks and that’s pretty much the premise of the episode. The captain of the boat is also a hot chick and she really wants to bang Danny but he’s still all sad about his dead wife. What a wet blanket! Joey tries to bang the rocker chick’s two friends but apparently they already got the memo from all women everywhere that Joey is the most unfuckable man on the planet. Jesse does get to make out with Roxanna a whole bunch, so at least someone gets some action.

After a bunch of lame jokes on a boat, everyone ends up back at the full house. The sea captain makes a desperate final attempt to get some of that Danny Tanner action and he responds by telling her to leave. Meanwhile, Roxanna invites Jesse to be a part of her entourage while she’s on tour. Jesse gets all offended by the offer, which is kind of confusing considering that all he’s doing these days is mooching off of his brother-in-law.

Amazingly, Joey is the one who steps in and sets everything straight. He delivers a touching speech that really puts Jesse and Danny’s situations into perspective. Jesse is sorted out first, but it’s not until Danny is addressed that the music comes on. The music is back! We haven’t heard the music for a few episodes! It’s too soon to find a method or a pattern for when the music comes on, but I’m doing my best to keep track of it.

After Joey’s moving disquisition, Jesse and Danny agree to ask their respective ladies to be friends. Geez, I guess Joey really did mean just a regular old poke in the eye.

Firsts: Roxanna