Season 2, Episode 5, “Jingle Hell”

Based on the title, I thought this was the dreaded Christmas episode when they get stuck in an airport.  Man, it’s gonna take some serious drinking to get through that one.  But no, the “jingle” in this title refers to the jingles that Uncle Jessie writes.  Those Full House writers, they’re just too clever for me.

Pre-Credits Gag:  DJ holds a magazine up to Michelle and asks, “Isn’t Patrick Swayze cute?”  The baby then pops the bubblegum she’s blowing and says “funny.”  Then she says, “yuck.”  So, yeah, I’m pretty sure that all of these pre-credits gags are going to consist of the baby doing something totally inane that’s meant to be cute.  Great.  In this case, I thought DJ’s line was a lot funnier than the baby’s…

Jesse sits in his room, struggling to come up with another successful advertising jingle.  He’s feeling the pressure because he quit his family’s exterminator business and took on advertising jingles as a full-time career after selling just one song.  I wish I lived with my tv show host brother-in-law so I could make hairbrained decisions like that without planning ahead, too.  As he searches for inspiration he is repeatedly interrupted, first by Stephanie and her little friend Harry, then by Joey, who announces that the baby just told him that she has to shit.  The Uncles high five over the realization that it’s time for potty training and then Joey tries to help Jesse with his jingle.  As he kicks Joey out, Jesse realizes that one of Joey shitty ass jokes might actually make for a jingle he can sell.

Back in Stephanie’s room, Harry runs around pretending to shoot guns.  As he lies dead on the floor, Stephanie comes over and says, “Master of the Universe, your tea is ready.”  You know, I tried to coerce my girlfriend into enacting a similar scenario one time and she got really mad for some reason.

Anyway, the kids continue to horse around and then DJ comes home from karate class and gets all pissed about them messing with her stuff.  She calls them, “nerd bombers,” which seems to be her default insult for Stephanie and her friends.  How the fuck do they come up with the insults on this show?  Remember when everyone called DJ a “geek burger”?  It’s like the writers on this show decided that all kids of this era pair traditional insults with totally unrelated nouns.  What a bunch of asshole Parthenons.  Anyway, Stephanie blows off DJ and says she’s just jealous because she has a boyfriend and DJ doesn’t, which is actually kind of awesome.

Danny rushes through the front door because he just can’t wait to teach his baby how to shit in a bowl.

His enthusiasm is interrupted by Jesse, who enters the house feeling all jazzed after selling his jingle.  He credits Joey for coming up with the idea and gives him half of his earnings, so it’s kind of like the story of Motown records.  Well, there may be a few dissimilarities there, but I forget what they are…  Anyway, Jesse says that the agency offered him a shot at a big cat food campaign and he asks Joey to help him write it.  And with that, the world’s most obnoxious and corny advertising duo was born.

A brief vignette shows Danny trying to potty train the baby.  For some reason he really wants her to ring a bell after she shits.  If you ask me, there’s something really fucked up about that.

Jesse and Joey brainstorm, doing reggae and conga routines that are worse than you could possible imagine.  Joey’s attempt to drudge up some material leads to him doing that thing where he says, “cut. It. Out.” and does the little finger motions, which is pretty much his primary catchphrase for the rest of the series.  So the brainstorm session goes on for fucking forever and in the end Joey really wants to wear a cat suit to their presentation but Jesse makes him promise not to.

Meanwhile, DJ yells at Stephanie and Harry for eating her ice cream and vows to get revenge on Stephanie.  Wait’ll you see how these various plot threads all weave together…  it’s all a rich tapestry.

Jesse waits for Joey to show up to their big jingle proposal and when he finally arrives he has a cat hand puppet that he insists on singing with.  Jesse gets all pissed and they do one of those routines where they’re sort of foiling each other throughout the audition.  Given the stakes that this gig holds for these two unemployed losers, you’d think that they would have their shit together, but I guess adequate preparation rarely makes for wacky situations.  At the end of their audition the board look just like I do whenever I watch this show.

Danny continues to pressure Michelle into learning how to shit in a bowl.  His overbearing fathering is interrupted by Stephanie, who’s all pissed about DJ tying all of her shoelaces together.  Wow, that’s some pretty intense revenge right there.  Danny commands them to create a resolution but neglects to see it through as he immediately becomes totally fixated on the baby again after she says, “poo poo.”

The girls, abandoned by their father, continue to argue, and then Joey and Jesse enter the scene while having a similar argument about the advertising fiasco.  The Uncles continue to argue and it’s made clear that they didn’t get the gig.  Jesse suggests that there are too many dads in the full house and that things were better on the show My 2 dads.  As much as I hate Paul Reiser’s stupid face, I have to agree with Uncle Jesse.  Even still, it’s kind of weird for a show to acknowledge another show that’s pretty much exactly the same and even go so far as to say that it’s better.  The girls become concerned that the Uncles are “going to get a divorce” and devise a plan to bring them together.  In the very next scene they lure the Uncles into their room with shoddy excuses.  The Uncles refuse to mend their conflict but the tension is soon interrupted by Danny barging in elated by the news that his baby just shit in a bowl.  She rings the bell and everything.

The baby’s shit brings everyone together.  Once cooler heads have prevailed, Stephanie expresses her concern over Joey and Jesse getting a divorce and a heartwarming discussion is had.  Jesse says that he and Joey have become like brothers and then the music comes on as he describes his much deeper fear of not making it as a terrible songwriter.  Joey tries to reassure him by saying that he has the same fear every time he does his comedy routine but it can’t do much good because if there ever was a posterboy for not pursuing your dreams, it’s Uncle Joey.  I honestly believe that the world would be a better place if he would just do us the courtesy of killing himself,  or, failing that, at least quitting comedy.  Anyway, the Uncles who are now brothers decide to continue with their partnership and then they hug.

Firsts:  Jesse and Joey’s advertising partnership, Joey says, “cut. It. Out.”