Season 2, Episode 6, “Beach Boy Bingo”

Over the last few weeks, Full House Reviewed seems to have inexplicably found an audience.  I’d like to welcome all of you new readers, especially, “The Pizza,” who left a comment a few weeks ago in anticipation of this very episode, which guest-stars the Beach Boys.  This one’s for you, “The Pizza”.  It’s really nice to know that some people are actually reading this terrible, terrible car crash of a blog.  Your comments are always welcome, and there are some reader-based features I’d always thought of doing on here that might actually be possible if this traffic keeps up.  Be sure to like us on Facebook if you’d like to be a more active fan of this blog.

Pre-Credits Gag:  As Stephanie finishes reading Michelle a bedtime story, the baby insists that she read it again.  Stephanie hastily skims through a second reading and then the baby’s all, “what the fuck?”

Danny comes to breakfast wearing an outfit that makes you want to punch his stupid face in even more than usual.  He’s all excited about having the Beach Boys appear on his dumb ass morning talk show and his warped perception of reality has led him to believe that dressing like the world’s biggest chump will somehow enhance the experience.

The whole family expresses their love of the Beach Boys and the Uncles eagerly anticipate coming to the set of Wake Up, San Francisco to meet them.

Moments later, on the set of Wake Up, San Francisco, the Uncles wait offstage and conspire to slip the Beach Boys a demo tape of their suntan lotion advertising jingle with the hope that the band will want to sing it for the ad.  Right when the Beach Boys are supposed to arrive, Danny gets a note that says that their plane still hasn’t landed due to fog so they won’t be appearing on the show.  It’s kind of weird that they just sprang that on him on live tv, but whatever.  Being a quick thinker, Danny picks up an acoustic guitar and starts singing, “Good Vibrations,” into the camera.  Can you imagine if this was a real morning show?  That shit would be cancelled in 2 seconds.  It’s totally amazing to me that Danny is somehow able to use his “talent” to support his 3 obnoxious daughters and 2 live-in worthless assholes.

Later, back at the full house, the Dads try to win 2 tickets to the Beach Boys show along with a ride in a limousine with the band members in a radio call-in contest.  The Dads fail to get through but quickly discover that the winning caller is none other than DJ.  Well, who else was it gonna be?  I guess it coulda been Kimmie Gibbler, or maaaaaybe Rebecca Donaldson, but after that there’s no one in the entire universe who could have won those tickets.  The family rejoices at the acquisition of the Beach Boys tickets but soon remember that there are only two tickets and like a zillion people in their cheesy family.  What a conundrum!

Everyone kisses DJ’s ass so she’ll take them to the concert.  After a lot of shameless manipulation, the family all crowd around her and force her to pick her guest while they all stare intently at her.  She picks Uncle Jesse and everyone is pretty amicable about it except for Danny, who acts like a complete bitch about the whole thing.

In the next scene DJ asks Danny for advice on what she should wear to the concert and he lays on the pettiest guilt trip I’ve ever seen.  He asks why she picked Uncle Jesse and she gives the perfectly reasonable explanation that he’s a musician but Danny’s just like, “But I like the Beach Boys!  What, just cause I’m not a musician?  I took you to see Smurfs On Ice.”  He seems completely comfortable with ruining her whole experience because she didn’t pick him.

Meanwhile, in the next room, Joey pressures Jesse into trying to slip the Beach Boys their jingle when he meets them.  Jesse doesn’t really seem to want to go along with the plan but it’s not like Joey has ever respected anyone’s boundaries before.  Joey leaves and then Danny enters the scene, quickly followed by DJ, who claims that she doesn’t want to go the concert anymore and insists that Danny and Jesse go together.  Jesse wonders what the deal is and Danny continues his relentless campaign of butt-hurt shamelessness.  He says that he felt slighted by Jesse being chosen and that he can’t compete with, “Uncle Rock’n’Roll.”  Jesse says that he’s equally jealous of Danny and his special relationship with his daughters and then I’m pretty sure they trade hand jobs right after the scene ends.

Soon no one wants the tickets because they all feel like some other family member ought to have them and there is a lot of senseless arguing until the Beach Boys suddenly arrive at the front door.  Holy fuck, you guys, it’s the Beach Boys!

Boy do they look old and withered!  I wonder if Brian Wilson even knows where he is?  They actually seem really concerned about whether or not DJ will come to their concert and offer to stick around for as long as it takes to sort everything out.  Mike Love suggests that they order a vegetarian pizza, which gets a big laugh.  Is that even a joke?

A shot of the front of the house suggests a passage of time and then there’s a cut to the whole family sitting around and having a sing-a-long with the beach Boys.  Oh, come on!  I mean, really?  It’s been established in earlier episodes that the full household enjoys corny sing-a-longs in the living room together but why the fuck would the Beach Boys stick around for this shit? There’s even an empty pizza box on the table, so it really seems like they’ve been there for a while. Don’t they have a concert to go to?

Eventually Brian Wilson asks DJ who she wants to take to the concert and when she still can’t decide, the band calls a “Beach Boy huddle,” in which they gather together and sing a harmony from “Good Vibrations” and then disband immediately afterwards, having made a group decision.  What a bizarre joke.  It’s not even that it’s bad, it’s just really cartoonish and out of place.

So, naturally, they decide to invite the whole family along to the concert.  The last 5 minutes of the episode is just concert footage of the Beach Boys performing while the Tanner family dances around and sings along on stage and stuff like that.  I guess that this was part of some live event or something.  It looks like it takes place in a stadium, so I’m guessing it was a halftime show at some sporting event.  There’s a shot of Joey slipping the ad jingle demo tape into Mike Love’s pocket, so there’s at least a morsel of story here, but it’s not like there’s any follow-up or anything.  They just perform until the credits come on, then there’s even more concert footage while the credits roll.

This has to be the most inane guest appearance I’ve ever seen on a tv show.  It really just doesn’t make any sense at all.  It actually would have been logical to get the Beach Boys on the show as guests on Wake Up, San Francisco and then have it parlay into the concert sequence, but instead they don’t even show up on Danny’s show and then the whole radio contest thing is totally unrelated.  Maybe the Beach Boys failure to appear on Danny’s show could have explained why they were willing to come to the full house and sit around sitting songs before featuring the Tanner’s at their concert, but, again, there’s no mention of the morning show fiasco whatsoever.  Also, what exactly is the moral here?  DJ has to decide which family member she can bring to the show and then her dad acts like a big fucking baby when she doesn’t pick him and then what happens?  Everyone gets to go. So what’s the message?  That everyone should just get everything they want all the time?

The Beach Boys were one of the most innovative and influential singing groups of their time but they really seem to be more remembered for their corny radio hits than the experimental psychedelic rock masterpieces they created in their heyday.  I’ve always wondered why that is, but now I know.  This episode of Full House single-handedly ruined the Beach Boys for an entire generation.