Season 2, Episode 9, “Our Very First Christmas Show”

Oh fucking God damn it, it’s the shitty ass awful Christmas episode.  If I could skip just one review, it would be this one.  Based on my memory of watching Full House on tv, there are two scenes in the series that actually stand out, among the endless stream of horrible jokes and obnoxious bullshit, as the most unbearable and embarrassing to watch moments of all time.  It’s possible that since I’ve never been a real fan of the show and haven’t seen every episode that there will be other horrendously awful moments that I don’t know about.  I guess the only way to find out for sure is to read this blog every single Friday for like 4 more years.  But for now, I can only attempt to prepare myself for two such moments:  one that’s still several years off, and one that’s in this horrendous shitpile of a holiday episode.  Ready to read about it?  Hey, that’s fucking great.

Pre-credits gag:  So usually the pre-credits gag opens with some cheesy 80’s music, but here they use a delightful Christmas tune that is surprisingly foreboding.  It’s like you know right away that you’re going to be bombarded with an ultra-contrived holiday narrative.  So anyway, the Tanner family gather together to take their Christmas photo but then the phone rings and the camera snaps when the family is unprepared, but, you know, the photo ends up really capturing what a kooky and delightfully tumultuous family they really are.  Aww.

As he prepares to travel with his family to the Tanner reunion in Colorado, Danny takes some footage of the holiday-decorated full house for the viewers of Wake Up, San Francisco.  Man, the viewers of Wake Up, San Francisco will watch anything.  It’s seems like if Danny’s not standing in front of the camera missing his cues and looking confused, he’s sharing the banal minutia of his home life.  There are probably whole episodes of Wake Up, San Francisco dedicated to the way he wipes his ass.  Anyway, Danny makes sure that the Uncles have remembered to pack the suitcase with all of the girls presents in it and the Santa suit Joey’s supposed to wear on Christmas.  Stephanie enters the scene and says that she doesn’t want to go to Colorado because Santa won’t be able to find her.  That’s a very big concern for materialistic children across the nation.  Meanwhile, in the other room, DJ tells Michelle that she snuck a peak at the presents and everyone’s getting a bunch of cool shit.

Hilarity ensues as the Tanner family board their plane to Colorado.  One thing that’s weird is that Jesse’s parents are there.  Why are they going to the Tanner reunion?  They won’t be related to anyone there.  You’d think that Danny’s mom would be there instead, except that she mysteriously disappeared after the fourth episode.  Speaking of people who are there for no reason, Rebecca Donaldson shows up, too.  Although she’s actually heading to Nebraska to see her family for the holidays, she just happens to share her connecting flight with the rest of the cast.  Hey, why not?  Suddenly, a crusty old curmudgeon gets all mad because Stephanie’s in his seat, but it all works out because the girls get upgraded to first class.

As jokes about airline food are tossed around, Jesse’s parents get on his case about why he hasn’t fucked Rebecca Donaldson yet.  Danny films the baby for his home viewing audience and she pulls the wig off of the crusty old curmudgeons head.  That’s what he gets for his lack of holiday cheer!  The baby becomes upset and while the family sings, “The Girl From Ipanema” to calm her down (fully disregarding the rest of the people on the plane), the stewardess makes the announcement that unexpected snowfall will result in a sudden landing at the nearest airport.

Soon after relocating to an airport terminal, the family is informed that they’ll be stuck there overnight.  I’m pretty sure that an airline has to buy you a hotel room if you get stuck somewhere, and even if they didn’t, I’m sure Danny could afford a hotel room.  But, logic aside, the family are stuck in the airport for the night and everyone despairs, especially Stephanie, who is certain that Santa wont find her now.  Maybe she’d feel better if they picked this time to tell her that there’s no Santa Claus?

While everyone kills time in the airport terminal, the crusty old curmudgeon expresses his dislike of the Tanner family, which is totally the best part of the episode.  Jesse’s Dad pressures him some more to try to get busy with Rebecca Donaldson but she craftily deflects his latest attempt.  As Danny discovers that the bag of presents has been lost by the airline, DJ tells Stephanie that she’s certain she’ll get the rollerskates she asked for, knowing as much because she spied on the presents already.  Danny levels with DJ by telling her that the presents got lost and she declares that it’s the worst Christmas ever.  You got that right.

Joey manages to boost morale for a moment by dressing up as Santa and having a talk with Stephanie. She’s cheered up until the baby outs Joey as being Santa and Stephanie has a big hissy fit.  Everyone sits around the baggage claim expressing their misery until Jesse decides to deliver the most fucking God awful inspirational holiday speech in the history of television.  This is it, y’all, the moment I’ve been dreading:  Uncle Jesse’s excruciating holiday sermon.

Man, I don’t even know how to describe this shit.  It’s the corniest moment of the corniest tv series of all time.  Basically Jesse’s speech is about how Christmas can take place anywhere because it’s in all of our hearts.  He claims that it’s not about materialistic things, but then he immediately cultivates a group delusion in which they decide to all agree that the coat rack is a Christmas tree and the snack machine is a fat ass Christmas dinner.

Why do they need to create shitty imitations of traditional Christmas materials in order to let go of materialism and embrace the true spirit if Christmas?  Also, if I was trapped in an airport on Christmas and some guy got up and started shouting about how the coat rack was a Christmas tree, I’d tell that man to shut his fucking face and get a hold of himself.  But does anyone do that?  No.  You know why?  Because it would be funny.  Instead Jesse starts really aggressively singing Christmas carols and everyone goes along with it.  What a Christmas miracle.

Early in the morning, Jesse wakes up and must not feel satisfied enough with himself that he forced everyone to sing songs all fucking night so he wakes everybody up, too.  Regardless, everyone’s in pretty high spirits, and DJ proclaims that it’s a great Christmas even though there aren’t any presents.  Jesse’s parents point out that Rebecca Donaldson is standing unsuspectingly beneath the mistletoe and Jesse seizes the opportunity to score a free smooch.  Rebecca allows him his obligatory peck but then they get all sloppy with tongues and everything and for the first time it seems like Jesse might get to bang Rebecca Donaldson after all.

Afterwards Rebecca Donaldson says she wants to do it again but not till next Christmas, then some totally random woman that has never appeared before this moment shows up and smooches Jesse, too.  Weird.

And just when you think the episode’s wrapping up and the pain is almost gone, Santa appears.

He sits down and tells Stephanie that he wants her to have the merriest Christmas ever, then he waves his hand as a magical twinkle sound plays as the presents come through on the conveyor belt.  Then another magical twinkle sound plays and Santa disappears.  Everyone is perplexed by the magical appearance and disappearance of Santa Claus and then it’s implied that Santa was the crusty old curmudgeon all along.  That doesn’t even make sense.  Like, sometimes a wise or virtuous character will be portrayed otherwise in a story to make some sort of point, but having the crusty old curmudgeon be Santa makes no sense and holds no moral whatsoever.  He didn’t even like the Tanners.  But, anyway, fuck it, at least they got their presents.  It’s funny to me how so many sitcom holiday episodes are about seeing beyond the materialistic desire for gifts but whenever characters are able to do so they’re always rewarded with gifts.  But at least this episode is over.  Now let us never speak of it again.

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57 Responses to Season 2, Episode 9, “Our Very First Christmas Show”

  1. The Pizza says:

    I hate this episode too. I have actually seen every episode, but this one is by far the most irritating. I couldn’t even stand to look at the pictures in your recap.

    I can’t wait to find out what your other top irritating moment is years down the road. The one where Michelle gets amnesia is up there for me. I think that may be the last episode. I love how the series ended with a traumatic head injury. But I’m jumping WAY ahead. we’re only at the beginning.


    • The amnesia episode is the worst. “Do I love you, Uncle Jesse?” *cue the AWWWWWW* Pass me the barf bucket. It was more forced than anything else in this show, plus I thoroughly detested Mary Kate and Ashley. They got on my nerves.


  2. DrBitz says:

    I’m obviously way late to the party as far as this post is concerned. But I just have to say that the worst scene in Full House history has to be the music video Jesse does that involved his two fugly kids….it’s just…there’s a weird scene with their feet…and…it’s traumatizing.


    • billysuperstar says:

      I think it’d be neat to start a list of everyone’s “worst Full House moments.” Yours is different than mine…I actually don’t think I’ve ever seen the episode you’re referring to. I guess I’ll get to it in a few years… I wonder if the feet scene is at all related to Danny filming his own kids feet in Season 1?


      • DrBitz says:

        Are you implying that the “dads” on Full House have some sort of freaky foot fetish? I suppose it’s something to look out for.

        Although, to be fair, the feet clip in Jesse’s music video was just a small part of a montage filled with aural and optical atrocities.


      • erin says:

        The only Full House moment (amidst the wash of excruciating sentimentality and corniness) that I distinctly remember from the occasional episode I watched during my childhood is Stephanie dreaming that her feet grew to enormous proportions…

        I don’t think it was that CHARACTERS who had a foot fetish…


      • Penny says:

        Actually, I believe that was Michelle who dreamt that. I think that’s way at the end of the series when the writers had run out of stock sitcom plots to draw from.


      • Valyazhnaya says:

        Crazily late to this par-tay, but I just found this blog and OMG I HAD TO COMMENT HERE. So, there seems to be several instances of footly goodness in this show. Remember when Jesse and Joey homeschool those fucking ape-twins and they fall asleep, and the hosebeasts paint their feet? Welcome to fetish city, my friends.


      • Kimmy's Fashion Sense says:

        The moment that always spikes my blood pressure, and I was SO SURE was one the later horrible moment that Billy Superstar was referring to until I actually got there in the reviews – when Becky and Jesse bring home about 40 cake samples for the wedding and ask the family to help them choose. Jesse puts the box of cake down on the table and yells for everyone to come down. Michelle is already in the kitchen and loses complete control of herself because what else do selfish assholes do? She crawls across the table and stuffs all the cake samples in her mouth, RUINING THEM DISGUSTINGLY. For the cherry on top, the family stands around laughing like the goofy retards they are and then Jesse asks her to choose one and she just garbles “CHOK-LIT” through her mouthful of frosting.


  3. Tuckmasterflex says:

    about two years late to this party but the worst moment hands down is when jesse sings that horrible song on that white piano in the disney hotel lobby and rebecca comes out and gazes down at him and then accepts his apology via song.

    actually, the whole disney world arc is pretty awful.


  4. Tuckmasterflex, is that one with DJ’s boyfriend Steve showing up all over the place? And Michelle is some kind of parade princess or something with Stephanie being jealous? That episode is high on my list of worst FH moments.. Right behind that bad music video and the episode where Michelle gets amnesia and we get to see both of the Olsen twins.


    • Tuckmasterflex says:

      YES The episode where Michelle gets amnesia is also totally abhorrent. I really only remember the part where they have to apparently remind her (and everyone else) that her mom is dead by watching home videos.

      Jesse’s song to Rebecca (and the music video) are all on youtube. I suggest not watching them at work, I laughed way too hard.


      • Zozo says:

        Michelle’s head injury was the very last Full House episode. And I am also on pins and needles waiting to see what our steadfast blogger will make of the Disney episode. I’m expecting mega hilarity.


  5. Badonks says:

    Ugh, the Disneyland/world ones are absolutely #1 on my most hated Full House moments.


  6. Megan says:

    1.) I’d think an airline that flies over the Rocky Mountains would expect to fly through a little snow. Makes me think that the writers have never left L.A. and don’t know what snow actually is. 1″ of snow = SNOWMAGEDDON!
    2.) If Danny is filming crap for the show couldn’t the station spring for a hotel room? It’s a business expense.
    3.) Where are the homeless people? Every single time I’ve been to an airport there were homeless people sleeping near the creamer counter at Starbucks. I fail to believe a pre-9/11 airport wouldn’t have some smelly bums passed out next to the payphones.


  7. RachWho? says:

    This blog is ROCKING.MY.WORLD.

    But I have a burning question: if the Tanner reunion was in Colorado, and they flew from San Francisco and had to make an emergency landing at an airport in the Rocky Mountains wouldn’t that landing have taken place in, oh, I don’t know, COLORADO?!

    These writers are seriously a bunch of asshole Parthenons.


    • heather says:

      bwahahahaha, this blog and this exact reply are making me so, so happy! 😀 hooray for everything!


    • manos says:

      that observation should win you the nobel prize. the rockies are indeed in colorado, and the producers are indeed a bunch of asshole parthenons. I love this blog almost as much as I hate this show… talk about ceremony of opposites!!!


  8. Pete says:

    Wow, I thought I’ve seen every Full House episode at least 3 times, but I don’t remember this one at all.


  9. shelby says:

    Being a total Full House junkie, (I’ll admit it. I love it.) This blog has made me laugh to the point of tears. I’m not sure why I’m so attached to this show. Even though I love it I do find the corny heartwarming moments and crappy jokes to be nauseating at points. You sir have taken reviewing to a whole new level. This is freaking fantastic. Also the moment I really can’t stand includes the entire scene in the wedding episode where Jessy and Becky run to the chapel and get on that choirs bus, and then magically at the wedding the choir some how suddenly knows the back up lyrics to Forever. Awful just awful


    • Greg says:

      I think that we all have love/hate feelings towards Full House because watching the show now as adults we realize how horribly written the show was, how poorly those girls were raised (especially Michelle, what a fucking brat), and how incredibly unrealistic so many of the shows scenarios are. But we love the feeling of nostalgia we get from watching it. I’d be willing to bet that most of the people commenting on this blog are also in their early 30’s. When we watched this show as kids we were too young and naive to notice all of the things that we hate about this show now. But I think I might enjoy watching the show more now and pointing out how horrible it is than I did watching it as a dumb kid.


    • Aaron Bailey says:

      It’s a Beach Boys song, they used quite often. Jesse doesn’t record it as his own until after the twins are born.


  10. Jeff says:

    Oh fuck. The more I read this blog (I’m starting from the beginning) the more I want to watch Full House along with you to relive these moments. Man. I need to get some friends.


  11. Taylor Kerekes says:

    I gotta say, Billy Superstar, your analysis on this episode really got me thinking, especially your say on Jesse’s holiday speech. To say the least, I have yet to comprehend the whole concept of it. What I mean is, I have yet to comprehend the concept of what Jesse had to say. I appreciate how they were trying to reassure us how Christmas can take place anywhere if we can feel it in our hearts and that it isn’t about presents or material items, which is all well and good, but I do not appreciate how they subtly break that aesop by creating substitute Christmas materials. You wanna know what I think? I think that morally hypocritical is the perfect term to describe this episode!


  12. Enea says:

    If I ever see these episodes again, they’re gonna be hilarious after I’ve read these reviews. This is seriously funny shit.

    Yes, well. If Jesse is Pam’s brother, won’t his parents be the girls’ grandparents? I still wouldn’t go on any sort of a trip with those people, though.


  13. Lisa says:

    Why is there a coat rack at an effing airport terminal?

    Liked by 2 people

  14. With Boss Hogg as Santa/Curmudgeon. Poor dope.


    • Ian says:

      Thank you Jimmy Callaway. I was disappointed in reading the recap that the “curmudgeon” in this episode was not identified as Jefferson Davis “Boss” Hogg from the Dukes of Hazzard, aka Sorrell Booke.

      If Ed Alonso can be identified as his short-term character Max from Saved by the Bell, Sorrell Booke should be as well.


  15. PuppetDoctor says:

    At least the excuse for the emergency landing wasn’t fog or else I would have screamed. But they are in the Rocky Mountains so shouldn’t they be in Colorado.

    Ah, I miss the days when planes actually gave you food instead of charging you.

    The episode I remember hating the most unfortunately is all the way at Season 6 when Jessie needs to get his High School Diploma and they get stuck in a subway train and I think they begin to sing or something. That just made me want to crawl into my skin. I love this show but there are times that just drive me insane.


  16. Jill says:

    OMG it’s Boss Hogg


  17. Bridget Hainline says:

    I think is the episode where the girls’ grandpa is bugged because he has granddaughters and not grandsons. I know a lot of people don’t care about the gender of their grandchildren as long as they’re healthy. When Jesse and Becky give the old man his first grandsons, he doesn’t show up with presents or anything.


  18. Corey says:

    I’ve been stranded in airports overnight multiple times, and no, the airlines definitely do not offer you a hotel room.


    • Kristin says:

      If anything they will offer you a voucher for 10 dollars towards the hotel room or a free appetizer at the airport Applebee’s. That is, if they feel generous (meaning you have to complain a shit ton).


      • LORIMAR-Telepictures says:

        This past New Years, I was jamming (musically) with this kid who worked the kitchen at Applebees. He told me that the food that is delivered from the truck to your plate is sometimes soggy and moldy and these chain restaurants absolutely undermine their customers sanitary needs.


    • Red_Nicole says:

      I was once on a huge family trip – about 25 people and we were flying to San Francisco, via Chicago. We ended up getting stuck in Chicago due to rain and the airline put us up in a hotel overnight. This was in the early 90s so I doubt they would do it now.

      I flove this blog. I watch Full House every night at midnight when I’m falling asleep and these recaps make everything funnier.


      • In 1998, I was stuck in an airport for THREE days because weather kept the planes down. We didn’t even get vouchers for food. By the time planes were flying again, there were a lot of starving, pissed-off people. I didn’t have enough cash for three days worth of food, and there wasn’t anywhere for anyone to wire me money. I wasn’t even 18 yet, and was flying alone.


  19. You: there are two scenes in the series that actually stand out, among the endless stream of horrible jokes and obnoxious bullshit, as the most unbearable and embarrassing to watch moments of all time.

    Me: YIPPEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


  20. YR says:

    I count four people above me who are actually proud of themselves for “knowing” that the Rocky Mountains are in Colorado, and only Colorado. In reality, the Rocky Mountains extend from the northwest part of British Columbia (or arguably Alaska, if you count the Brooks Range) down into New Mexico, crossing parts of six different Lower 48 states (Montana, Idaho, Wyoming, Colorado, Utah, New Mexico). Throw in the facts that pilots often don’t fly in straight-line or even great circle routes (particularly if there’s a storm they’re trying to avoid) and that Colorado is a huge state, and this “plot hole” isn’t due to stupidity on the part of the *writers*.


  21. LO says:

    I imagine that if I had seen this episode, I would share this collective traumatic christmas episode memory. Jesse’s speech. Oh Christo! Thankfully, having not seen the speech, I have only one scene that flashes and reverberates among embarrassing memories in my television viewing history: the one where the family ends up on stage with the Beach Boys. Oh, how I hated the Beach Boys for that.


  22. Megan says:

    i like when Becky and Jesse kiss under the mistle toe its really sexy.


  23. Liz says:

    Crazy episode, Im confused wheather the grumpy old man was really Santa Claus? Doesn’t he hate the Tanners?

    Also another thing that bugged me in this episode was when Danny started filming every damn person on the airplane.. So annoying


  24. Casey says:

    “Also, if I was trapped in an airport on Christmas and some guy got up and started shouting about how the coat rack was a Christmas tree, I’d tell that man to shut his fucking face and get a hold of himself. But does anyone do that? No. You know why? Because it would be funny. Instead Jesse starts really aggressively singing Christmas carols and everyone goes along with it. What a Christmas miracle.”

    That part literally made me lose my shit. I was laughing so hard I couldn’t even breathe.


  25. Steve Weinger says:

    You completely left out what was definitely the best moment of the episode, where Danny falls alsleep on the conveyor belt and gets snowed on all night. They drag him in the next morning looking like a human snowman.


  26. Leem says:

    While this does sound like the terriblest of Christrmas episodes (which I’m already not fond of, even when they aren’t on Full House), I think that making a Christmas tree from a coat rack is a brilliant idea and in any other context would have been actual fun.


  27. Bekah says:

    I don’t get why any airline flight on this show works out. This has been the 3rd time and this isn’t even halfway through the 2nd season.. Also every time I read “Wake up, San Fransisco” I hear the annoying little intro to the talk show..


  28. Jeanne says:

    I really hate the episode where Michelle wants to be a “big girl” and is absolutely awful to Danny. She won’t say goodbye to him and like walks out on him in front of the whole school. Yes, I know he’s overbearing, but he’s a single father with 3 kids and 2 “adult kids” and all he wants is his daughter to say goodbye to him. Give me a fucking break… And the reason he came to the school was because Michelle, stupidly, left her lunch at home because she was too busy putting her hat that her father bought for her on comet’s head.
    Then, later in the episode, she again, stupidly, climbs a high fence and that lame kid Derrick tells her not to look down, which of course she does, and now she’s terrified. What do u know, after she treats Danny like complete shit he’s there to save her from breaking her neck.
    I just hate Michelle, she was such a sarcastic bitch, but someone was always there to save her ass when she didn’t deserve it. I always feel badly for Danny too, he’s a neurotic dork but he had good intentions and was the only responsible bread-winner in that worthless bunch.


  29. Ashley says:

    I hated this episode as well, even when I was a kid. I was the type of kid who got mushy over the Christmas or happy moments in shows, so it’s saying something that this episode made me cringe even as a little girl.


  30. rek says:

    One thing that’s weird is that Jesse’s parents are there. Why are they going to the Tanner reunion? They won’t be related to anyone there

    Hm, I’d say they are related to their grandchildren, no?


  31. “Maybe she’d feel better if they picked this time to tell her that there’s no Santa Claus?”

    Or tell her Santa will be delayed for safety.


  32. Cara says:

    Am I the only one who is bothered by the fact that there is only one small suitcase of Christmas presents? Does everyone only get one present?? What a rip-off! You have three “dads” and all sorts of grandparents and that’s all those kids get? IDK why but this has always bothered me about this episode. Not that those obnoxious brats deserve lots of presents, but its just the idea…


  33. one of the worst ones I can recall is the one where DJ manifests like a weird acute anorexia, collapses, and then gets over it immediately. nothing like making light of a serious condition to score some cheap, very-special-episode, contrived pathos


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