Season 2, Episode 9, “Our Very First Christmas Show”

Oh fucking God damn it, it’s the shitty ass awful Christmas episode.  If I could skip just one review, it would be this one.  Based on my memory of watching Full House on tv, there are two scenes in the series that actually stand out, among the endless stream of horrible jokes and obnoxious bullshit, as the most unbearable and embarrassing to watch moments of all time.  It’s possible that since I’ve never been a real fan of the show and haven’t seen every episode that there will be other horrendously awful moments that I don’t know about.  I guess the only way to find out for sure is to read this blog every single Friday for like 4 more years.  But for now, I can only attempt to prepare myself for two such moments:  one that’s still several years off, and one that’s in this horrendous shitpile of a holiday episode.  Ready to read about it?  Hey, that’s fucking great.

Pre-credits gag:  So usually the pre-credits gag opens with some cheesy 80’s music, but here they use a delightful Christmas tune that is surprisingly foreboding.  It’s like you know right away that you’re going to be bombarded with an ultra-contrived holiday narrative.  So anyway, the Tanner family gather together to take their Christmas photo but then the phone rings and the camera snaps when the family is unprepared, but, you know, the photo ends up really capturing what a kooky and delightfully tumultuous family they really are.  Aww.

As he prepares to travel with his family to the Tanner reunion in Colorado, Danny takes some footage of the holiday-decorated full house for the viewers of Wake Up, San Francisco.  Man, the viewers of Wake Up, San Francisco will watch anything.  It’s seems like if Danny’s not standing in front of the camera missing his cues and looking confused, he’s sharing the banal minutia of his home life.  There are probably whole episodes of Wake Up, San Francisco dedicated to the way he wipes his ass.  Anyway, Danny makes sure that the Uncles have remembered to pack the suitcase with all of the girls presents in it and the Santa suit Joey’s supposed to wear on Christmas.  Stephanie enters the scene and says that she doesn’t want to go to Colorado because Santa won’t be able to find her.  That’s a very big concern for materialistic children across the nation.  Meanwhile, in the other room, DJ tells Michelle that she snuck a peak at the presents and everyone’s getting a bunch of cool shit.

Hilarity ensues as the Tanner family board their plane to Colorado.  One thing that’s weird is that Jesse’s parents are there.  Why are they going to the Tanner reunion?  They won’t be related to anyone there.  You’d think that Danny’s mom would be there instead, except that she mysteriously disappeared after the fourth episode.  Speaking of people who are there for no reason, Rebecca Donaldson shows up, too.  Although she’s actually heading to Nebraska to see her family for the holidays, she just happens to share her connecting flight with the rest of the cast.  Hey, why not?  Suddenly, a crusty old curmudgeon gets all mad because Stephanie’s in his seat, but it all works out because the girls get upgraded to first class.

As jokes about airline food are tossed around, Jesse’s parents get on his case about why he hasn’t fucked Rebecca Donaldson yet.  Danny films the baby for his home viewing audience and she pulls the wig off of the crusty old curmudgeons head.  That’s what he gets for his lack of holiday cheer!  The baby becomes upset and while the family sings, “The Girl From Ipanema” to calm her down (fully disregarding the rest of the people on the plane), the stewardess makes the announcement that unexpected snowfall will result in a sudden landing at the nearest airport.

Soon after relocating to an airport terminal, the family is informed that they’ll be stuck there overnight.  I’m pretty sure that an airline has to buy you a hotel room if you get stuck somewhere, and even if they didn’t, I’m sure Danny could afford a hotel room.  But, logic aside, the family are stuck in the airport for the night and everyone despairs, especially Stephanie, who is certain that Santa wont find her now.  Maybe she’d feel better if they picked this time to tell her that there’s no Santa Claus?

While everyone kills time in the airport terminal, the crusty old curmudgeon expresses his dislike of the Tanner family, which is totally the best part of the episode.  Jesse’s Dad pressures him some more to try to get busy with Rebecca Donaldson but she craftily deflects his latest attempt.  As Danny discovers that the bag of presents has been lost by the airline, DJ tells Stephanie that she’s certain she’ll get the rollerskates she asked for, knowing as much because she spied on the presents already.  Danny levels with DJ by telling her that the presents got lost and she declares that it’s the worst Christmas ever.  You got that right.

Joey manages to boost morale for a moment by dressing up as Santa and having a talk with Stephanie. She’s cheered up until the baby outs Joey as being Santa and Stephanie has a big hissy fit.  Everyone sits around the baggage claim expressing their misery until Jesse decides to deliver the most fucking God awful inspirational holiday speech in the history of television.  This is it, y’all, the moment I’ve been dreading:  Uncle Jesse’s excruciating holiday sermon.

Man, I don’t even know how to describe this shit.  It’s the corniest moment of the corniest tv series of all time.  Basically Jesse’s speech is about how Christmas can take place anywhere because it’s in all of our hearts.  He claims that it’s not about materialistic things, but then he immediately cultivates a group delusion in which they decide to all agree that the coat rack is a Christmas tree and the snack machine is a fat ass Christmas dinner.

Why do they need to create shitty imitations of traditional Christmas materials in order to let go of materialism and embrace the true spirit if Christmas?  Also, if I was trapped in an airport on Christmas and some guy got up and started shouting about how the coat rack was a Christmas tree, I’d tell that man to shut his fucking face and get a hold of himself.  But does anyone do that?  No.  You know why?  Because it would be funny.  Instead Jesse starts really aggressively singing Christmas carols and everyone goes along with it.  What a Christmas miracle.

Early in the morning, Jesse wakes up and must not feel satisfied enough with himself that he forced everyone to sing songs all fucking night so he wakes everybody up, too.  Regardless, everyone’s in pretty high spirits, and DJ proclaims that it’s a great Christmas even though there aren’t any presents.  Jesse’s parents point out that Rebecca Donaldson is standing unsuspectingly beneath the mistletoe and Jesse seizes the opportunity to score a free smooch.  Rebecca allows him his obligatory peck but then they get all sloppy with tongues and everything and for the first time it seems like Jesse might get to bang Rebecca Donaldson after all.

Afterwards Rebecca Donaldson says she wants to do it again but not till next Christmas, then some totally random woman that has never appeared before this moment shows up and smooches Jesse, too.  Weird.

And just when you think the episode’s wrapping up and the pain is almost gone, Santa appears.

He sits down and tells Stephanie that he wants her to have the merriest Christmas ever, then he waves his hand as a magical twinkle sound plays as the presents come through on the conveyor belt.  Then another magical twinkle sound plays and Santa disappears.  Everyone is perplexed by the magical appearance and disappearance of Santa Claus and then it’s implied that Santa was the crusty old curmudgeon all along.  That doesn’t even make sense.  Like, sometimes a wise or virtuous character will be portrayed otherwise in a story to make some sort of point, but having the crusty old curmudgeon be Santa makes no sense and holds no moral whatsoever.  He didn’t even like the Tanners.  But, anyway, fuck it, at least they got their presents.  It’s funny to me how so many sitcom holiday episodes are about seeing beyond the materialistic desire for gifts but whenever characters are able to do so they’re always rewarded with gifts.  But at least this episode is over.  Now let us never speak of it again.