Pre-credits gag: The Dads are all having so much fun blowing bubbles with Michelle that they don’t even notice when she wanders off. DJ comes in and jokes that they’d better have finished their homework if they’re going to be goofing off. Doesn’t anybody care that the baby just wandered off? I wonder how Eric Clapton would feel about this gag?
Danny films Michelle, hoping she’ll eat at her table like a big girl so he can share it with the viewers of Wake Up, San Francisco. I know I’ve said this before, but why the fuck would anyone in San Francisco want to watch a morning show where the host showed footage of his family all the time? Does Regis Philbin do that? I honestly don’t know the answer… Anyhow, I guess it’s as believable that people would watch Danny’s show as it is that real people actually watched Full House when it aired.
Stephanie barges in with her rad friend Harry and announces that she broke her school’s hula hoop record today. Danny totally blows her off so he can film the baby and the audience goes, “aww.” I can only imagine how annoying it would be to live with an entire family of attention-starved hams, but even still, Danny is surprisingly quick to tell Stephanie to get out of his face.
Meanwhile, the Uncles are hard at work on their latest advertising jingle. Whilst brainstorming, they do a rap routine that will make you hate white people.
Stephanie barges in with her hula hoop and the Uncles explain that they’re real busy but they’ll watch her later. DJ barges in immediately afterward, looking for help on her science project that she’s waited until the last minute to complete. For the sake of their own procrastination, the Uncles agree to help DJ figure out how to drop an egg from 2 stories high without breaking it.
When Stephanie sees that the Uncles have decided to help DJ right after telling her that they were too busy to watch her dumb ass hula hooping, she’s like, “what the fuck?” She makes another aggressive grab at attention with Danny but she just can’t compete with that hideous troll doll baby.
Alone in her room, Stephanie confides in Mr. Bear about how nobody gives a shit about her, prompting a fantasy dream sequence.
In the fantasy dream sequence, all the dads are so impressed with the baby blinking that they give her Stephanie’s bike. Stephanie has just returned from a trip to Mars but nobody gives a shit. Next, DJ is given royal treatment for getting the mail while the family ignores the fact that Stephanie has learned to fly. Although this is yet another dream sequence that seems to do nothing other than pad the story, it’s hard to hate on it because of Stephanie’s awesome pink spacesuit.
After the fantasy dream sequence, Harry enters Stephanie’s room for some arbitrary reason. She complains to him about her family and decides that she’s stuck there until she gets married. This leads to the brilliant revelation that she should marry Harry, and so she promptly forces him to propose.
DJ and the Uncles latest failed attempt on their science project is interrupted by a group of kids who arrive for Stephanie’s wedding. Also, Joey is sporting a serious Cosby sweater.
Stephanie and Harry’s wedding is exactly like every kids wedding you’ve ever seen on tv or in comic strips, complete with lots of mispronounced words throughout the ceremony and a Scooby Doo tattoo instead of a ring.
Meanwhile, DJ and the Uncles finally complete the science project, which of course inspires them to finally write their shitty jingle. Danny continues to obsessively film everything the baby does until Stephanie enters the scene and announces that she’s been married. As she prepares to leave the full house for good to start her new life with Harry, he immediately ditches her so he can be home for meatloaf night. Stephanie expresses her feeling that no one wants her and that her family will always treat her like shit because she’s the middle child. The family rebut with some positive perspectives about what it’s like to be the middle child, then the music comes on as Danny tells her that sometimes he’s real busy but she should always let him know when she’s feeling neglected. After she feels adequately consoled, Stephanie hugs each member of the family, one by one.
See, as of this episode a dream sequence is officially a clear signifier that an episode is being padded. There was no other reason for Stephanie to hug each family member individually than to kill time. Finally, as the credits roll, the family all appease Stephanie by watching her use her stupid fucking hula hoop.
This episode is actually pretty fucked up if you think about it. First of all, it seems pretty necessary to me that Stephanie’s family should put some effort towards discouraging her from barging into their rooms and demanding attention all the fucking time. That kind of behavior really calls for some tough love. Secondly, the fact that Stephanie’s immediate response to feeling neglected is to run out and get married is pretty alarming. I think that dealing with that sort of mentality and self-esteem problem requires a lot more help than some light talking over music and a procession of hugs. This brings me to my final point, which is that this episode is eerily prophetic of the life that is to come for the actress who plays Stephanie, Jodie Sweetin. I won’t get into it here but I figure that if you’re someone who spends time reading shit like this blog then it’s worth a google search.