Pre-Credits Gag: The Dad’s sing a doo-wop lullaby to the baby and then she says “doo-wah.”
Jesse and Rebecca Donaldson enjoy some nice sexual tension in the kitchen until Joey comes in with the baby. Awww, will you look at that? She’s carrying a loaf of bread. I don’t really know why that’s supposed to be cute in the first place, but they seem to really be milking it by having her carry the biggest fucking baguette I’ve ever seen in my life. Look at that thing. It’s clearly 3 baguettes shoddily strewn together.
Rebecca Donaldson asks the Uncles if they’ll be charity auction dates for some kind of fundraiser. Joey immediately agrees to it because what else has he got to do that night besides beat off and cry in the basement? Jesse is hesitant but Rebecca Donaldson rubs her titties up on him and says it would really mean a lot to her so he gives in. When Danny enters the scene a moment later, Rebecca Donaldson uses the same titty rubbing technique on Danny and Jesse gets all butt hurt.
Kimmie Gibbler rushes into DJ’s room and breaks the news that Michael Monford likes DJ and then arranges a rendezvous so the two of them can declare their love. See how these two storylines are paralleling each other? This episode is about hoeing out your friends.
The next day DJ meets up with Michael Monford, who’s played by that stupid looking kid from The Never Ending Story 2. Michaels asks her to eat lunch with him the next day and DJ agrees but says that people will probably think they’re going out. Michael, being smooth as hell, says that’s fine by him and then seals the deal by giving her a friendship bracelet, the ultimate symbol of sexual desire.
Stephanie plays a game of poker with Grandpa Katsopolis, who’s watching the kids for the evening while the Dad’s all whore themselves out for charity. Michael enters the house to study with DJ, followed by Rebecca Donaldson, who shows up looking fine as hell.
After they’re done doing their homework, Michael packs his stuff up to head home. When DJ asks if they’ll be having lunch tomorrow he says that he can’t because he’ll be having lunch with Kathy Santoni instead. Whaaaat!??! Michael says that DJ’s smart and funny and everything, but Kathy Santoni is really pretty.
Daaaamn, that’s some raw shit right there. Not only did he come over to DJ’s house and diss the fuck out of her, but he made her help him with his homework first. Heartless. Consumed with despair, DJ tearfully removes her friendship bracelet.
While the other Dad’s become increasingly anxious about their likelyhood of raising any money, Uncle Jesse is bombarded by a gaggle of horny broads. One in particular, named Crystal, seems particularly eager to purchase his services, which seems to perturb Rebecca Donaldson.
Unsurprisingly, Joey has trouble hustling up any funds. After a few awkward minutes, an old lady bids on him. Joey seems resigned about having to give it up to the old dinosaur but then it turns out that she actually bought him for her big titty granddaughter. What a clever reveal!
Next, Rebecca Donaldson forces Danny to head up to the auction block. He slowly receives a few bids and when they start to slow down he declares, “Don’t stop now, ladies, I can go all night,” which is immediately followed by a slew of frantic bidding. Man, that’s a pretty dirty joke for Full House. Anyway, Danny ends up with the old lady , who Danny hopes has another big titty granddaughter but it turns out she wants Danny for herself. Do you ever think about the actors who are hired to play undesirable people on tv shows? It must be a real mixed bag to get a gig like that.
When Jesse goes up for auction all the hoes just go wild. Crystal busts out some major cash and then all of a sudden Rebecca Donaldson engages her in a furious, high-priced bidding war, which she eventually wins. Rebecca Donaldson, what has come over you???
The Dad’s all return to the full house with Rebecca Donaldson and are informed by Grandpa Katsopolis that DJ got kicked to the curb. The Dad’s try to console her by telling her the story of the ugly duckling but it just further upsets DJ about the state of her garbage face. Rebecca Donaldson intervenes and offers a woman’s perspective and experience. After recounting her own c hildhood trauma, Rebecca Donaldson divulges that her Mother resolved her hurt feelings by forcing her to list all of her good qualities. DJ wincingly asks Rebecca Donaldson if she’s going to force her to do the same thing, and Rebecca Donaldson gets this look of gleeful insanity in her face and says, “yes I am!”
You know, I never really noticed how totally fucking crazy Rebecca Donaldson is until this episode. I guess that’s because they hadn’t really developed her character yet. Equally crazy is DJ’s list of her good qualities, all of which are debatable. Most laughable is her claim that she has great hair. I know it’s the late 80’s and everything, but she still needs to go someplace with that stringy hairspray mess.
I don’t really think that DJ, being a member of the most pushy and attention-starved family on the planet, really needs positive reinforcement. If anything, she has too much self-esteem. Regardless, their conversation results in music and hugs.
Rebecca goes downstairs and has a talk with Jesse about their burgeoning relationship. After a frantic and confused analysis of the situation, Rebecca Donaldson sets the feminist movement back 60 years by saying, “maybe you should just shut me up.” After a big sloppy smooch, the two are officially a couple.
The Uncle Jesse/Rebecca Donaldson courtship was one of the only running storylines on the show, as well as the only real point of tension in the series. You’d think that they’d want to keep it going to maintain the audiences interest, but it only lasted for 9 episodes. Way to squander the only thing you had going for you, Full House. I also wonder what’s up with the whole man-date auction premise, which seems to be commonly used on sitcoms (I saw the Cheers one just the other day.). Do people ever really have auctions like that? Is it an outdated premise that’s survived exclusively on tv sitcoms? Are the men expected to give it up on the date? It just seems like a really strange premise to me, especially on a nauseatingly saccharine show like this.