Season 2, Episode 11, “A Little Romance”

Pre-Credits Gag:  The Dad’s sing a doo-wop lullaby to the baby and then she says “doo-wah.”

Jesse and Rebecca Donaldson enjoy some nice sexual tension in the kitchen until Joey comes in with the baby.  Awww, will you look at that?  She’s carrying a loaf of bread.  I don’t really know why that’s supposed to be cute in the first place, but they seem to really be milking it by having her carry the biggest fucking baguette I’ve ever seen in my life. Look at that thing.  It’s clearly 3 baguettes shoddily strewn together.

Rebecca Donaldson asks the Uncles if they’ll be charity auction dates for some kind of fundraiser.  Joey immediately agrees to it because what else has he got to do that night besides beat off and cry in the basement?  Jesse is hesitant but Rebecca Donaldson rubs her titties up on him and says it would really mean a lot to her so he gives in.   When Danny enters the scene a moment later, Rebecca Donaldson uses the same titty rubbing technique on Danny and Jesse gets all butt hurt.

Kimmie Gibbler rushes into DJ’s room and breaks the news that Michael Monford likes DJ and then arranges a rendezvous so the two of them can declare their love.  See how these two storylines are paralleling each other?  This episode is about hoeing out your friends.

The next day DJ meets up with Michael Monford, who’s played by that stupid looking kid from The Never Ending Story 2.  Michaels asks her to eat lunch with him the next day and DJ agrees but says that people will probably think they’re going out.  Michael, being smooth as hell, says that’s fine by him and then seals the deal by giving her a friendship bracelet, the ultimate symbol of sexual desire.

Stephanie plays a game of poker with Grandpa Katsopolis, who’s watching the kids for the evening while the Dad’s all whore themselves out for charity.  Michael enters the house to study with DJ, followed by Rebecca Donaldson, who shows up looking fine as hell.

After they’re done doing their homework, Michael packs his stuff up to head home.  When DJ asks if they’ll be having lunch tomorrow he says that he can’t because he’ll be having lunch with Kathy Santoni instead.  Whaaaat!??! Michael says that DJ’s smart and funny and everything, but Kathy Santoni is really pretty.

Daaaamn, that’s some raw shit right there. Not only did he come over to DJ’s house and diss the fuck out of her, but he made her help him with his homework first.  Heartless.  Consumed with despair, DJ tearfully removes her friendship bracelet.

While the other Dad’s become increasingly anxious about their likelyhood of raising any money, Uncle Jesse is bombarded by a gaggle of horny broads.  One in particular, named Crystal, seems particularly eager to purchase his services, which seems to perturb Rebecca Donaldson.

Unsurprisingly, Joey has trouble hustling up any funds.  After a few awkward minutes, an old lady bids on him.  Joey seems resigned about having to give it up to the old dinosaur but then it turns out that she actually bought him for her big titty granddaughter.  What a clever reveal!

Next, Rebecca Donaldson forces Danny to head up to the auction block.  He slowly receives a few bids and when they start to slow down he declares, “Don’t stop now, ladies, I can go all night,” which is immediately followed by a slew of frantic bidding.  Man, that’s a pretty dirty joke for Full House.  Anyway, Danny ends up with the old lady , who Danny hopes has another big titty granddaughter but it turns out she wants Danny for herself.  Do you ever think about the actors who are hired to play undesirable people on tv shows?  It must be a real mixed bag to get a gig like that.

When Jesse goes up for auction all the hoes just go wild.  Crystal busts out some major cash and then all of a sudden Rebecca Donaldson engages her in a furious, high-priced bidding war, which she eventually wins.  Rebecca Donaldson, what has come over you???

The Dad’s all return to the full house with Rebecca Donaldson and are informed by Grandpa Katsopolis that DJ got kicked to the curb.  The Dad’s try to console her by telling her the story of the ugly duckling but it just further upsets DJ about the state of her garbage face.  Rebecca Donaldson intervenes and offers a woman’s perspective and experience.  After recounting her own c hildhood trauma, Rebecca Donaldson divulges that her Mother resolved her hurt feelings by forcing her to list all of her good qualities.  DJ wincingly asks Rebecca Donaldson if she’s going to force her to do the same thing, and Rebecca Donaldson gets this look of gleeful insanity in her face and says, “yes I am!”

You know, I never really noticed how totally fucking crazy Rebecca Donaldson is until this episode.  I guess that’s because they hadn’t really developed her character yet.  Equally crazy is DJ’s list of her good qualities, all of which are debatable.  Most laughable is her claim that she has great hair.  I know it’s the late 80’s and everything, but she still needs to go someplace with that stringy hairspray mess.

I don’t really think that DJ, being a member of the most pushy and attention-starved family on the planet, really needs positive reinforcement.  If anything, she has too much self-esteem.  Regardless, their conversation results in music and hugs.

Rebecca goes downstairs and has a talk with Jesse about their burgeoning relationship.  After a frantic and confused analysis of the situation, Rebecca Donaldson sets the feminist movement back 60 years by saying, “maybe you should  just shut me up.”  After a big sloppy smooch, the two are officially a couple.

The Uncle Jesse/Rebecca Donaldson courtship was one of the only running storylines on the show, as well as the only real point of tension in the series.  You’d think that they’d want to keep it going to maintain the audiences interest, but it only lasted for 9 episodes.  Way to squander the only thing you had going for you, Full House.  I also wonder what’s up with the whole man-date auction premise, which seems to be commonly used on sitcoms (I saw the Cheers one just the other day.).  Do people ever really have auctions like that? Is it an outdated premise that’s survived exclusively on tv sitcoms?  Are the men expected to give it up on the date?  It just seems like a really strange premise to me, especially on a nauseatingly saccharine show like this.

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61 Responses to Season 2, Episode 11, “A Little Romance”

  1. Beth says:

    Thank you for continuing to update this blog! I get worried every Friday that you might have decided to stop writing it but when I see the new post I feel relieved!

    Like

  2. Carrick says:

    The horror… the horror….

    Like

  3. cdashd says:

    I’ve never realized how creepy Rebecca is until that screen cap, makes me think of Christine O’Donnell now as well.

    Excellent review as always.

    Like

  4. Teebore says:

    You’d think that they’d want to keep it going to maintain the audiences interest, but it only lasted for 9 episodes.

    That…that just blows my mind. I would have assumed they’d have dragged that out over seasons, not episodes.

    Man, this show can’t even do rote TV romance stories correctly…

    Like

  5. esther says:

    get lost all of u becky and jesse are the best couple on tv i love them togther full house is amazing u sad people just dissing it coz u have nothing better to do get a life bitches

    Like

    • Zozo says:

      There’s a difference between dissing and presenting an alternative view of something for the sake of humor. I would think you don’t have anything to do, since you found this blog and then proceeded to whine about a couple in a sitcom that’s been off the air for 15 years. It’s done. Get over it already.

      Like

      • AnImEfAn1528 says:

        I agree with you. It’s pointless to make a comment like that (especially without any proper grammar, spelling, and punctuation). Everyone has their own opinions. I personally like Full House. I just have to say, technically it hasn’t been off the air for 15 years. It was on Nick@Nite for a while and on ABC Family for a long time where I watched it practically every day up untill high school, when it went off the air when I was either in, I think, 9th or 10th grade. I’m only 20, almost 21.

        Like

    • Santanaonfire says:

      Get some punctuation, bitches!

      Like

    • SteveInSanDiego says:

      Not sure if serious. lol

      Like

    • I always liked the Jesse/Rebecca arc since we saw them meet and go through spats and get married and have kids, but that doesn’t mean we can’t laugh at how ridiculous some things are. Lighten up.

      Like

  6. Kitschy says:

    Jonathan Brandis (the kid who played Michael Monford) hanged himself in 2003 at age 27. He didn’t leave a suicide note but his friends said that he was depressed about the decline of his acting career.

    Great blog, BTW. Unfortunately, I remember every single detail of every single episode. It was a love/hate relationship for me and still is. As a child, I questioned all the same inconsistencies that you address. I find it hilarious to read your blog and discover that you have the same thoughts that have plagued my mind for years.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Scruggy says:

    “. . . a friendship bracelet, the ultimate symbol of sexual desire.”

    Like

  8. Leroy Cook says:

    esther … an asshole parthenon. bitch.

    Like

  9. manos says:

    It looks like “Asshole parthenon” might be catching on. indeed… great times.

    Like

  10. Lauren H says:

    “what else has he got to do that night besides beat off and cry in the basement?”

    I about died when I read that line!!

    “Do you ever think about the actors who are hired to play undesirable people on tv shows? It must be a real mixed bag to get a gig like that.”

    I’ve wondered this for years, and I’m glad to find out I’m not the only one. billysuperstar, your genius continues to grow with every blog I read.

    Like

    • DawnieP says:

      “what else has he got to do that night besides beat off and cry in the basement?”

      I’ve been cracking up for the past 20 minutes on that line alone…..

      Liked by 1 person

  11. Smash says:

    What’s the deal with Jesse’s pants? It looks like he’s wearing tear-aways with his tuxe..

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Jordan says:

    Pre-aunt Becky is so hot. My god.

    Like

  13. Also, as we’ll see next season, Kathy Santoni was the first girl in their class to get bosoms. So Michael here definitely put his money on the right horse(face).

    Also, I too have never heard of a bachelor auction outside of a sitcom. I would totally do one because I tend to think my ego is iron-clad, but then I would surely go home weeping, having raised only a dollar for whatever fundraiser is at stake.

    Like

  14. Santanaonfire says:

    “Jesse is hesitant but Rebecca Donaldson rubs her titties up on him and says it would really mean a lot to her so he gives in. When Danny enters the scene a moment later, Rebecca Donaldson uses the same titty rubbing technique on Danny and Jesse gets all butt hurt.”

    No screen shot? 😦

    “Michael enters the house to study with DJ, followed by Rebecca Donaldson, who shows up looking fine as hell.”

    Despite the late 80’s clothing (shoulder pads *shudder*), she sure does look fine as hell. I can’t believe that Jesse didn’t say “have mercy”! The writers can’t even use their own tired catch-phrases properly!

    “After a frantic and confused analysis of the situation, Rebecca Donaldson sets the feminist movement back 60 years by saying, “maybe you should just shut me up.” After a big sloppy smooch, the two are officially a couple.”

    Too funny. I’m pretty sure I can actually see Becky’s vagina moistening in that last screen cap.

    Like

  15. Meg says:

    I don’t think that granddaughter’s titties were all that much to get excited about. In fact, you put that lady in the same room with any of the hoes Jesse used to run around with and you’d see why she has to get her grandma to buy her a date in Tannerland.

    Like

  16. kp199 says:

    It always annoyed me that Jesse wore Adidas track suit pants to a formal event. I mean, look how nice Rebecca looked. He’s a grown man, and wore TRACK PANTS. It wouldn’t have killed him to wear a real pair of slacks.

    And, R.I.P. Jonathan Brandis

    Like

  17. missi says:

    I ran into this blog last night when I couldn’t sleep. I was gagging my way through an episode of full house when I Googled full house is stupid and ended up here. The only question I have is where the hell has this blog been all my life? You are a genius and I am pretty sure I will always laugh and think of this review if I ever hear the term garbage face. Thank you!

    Like

  18. Casey says:

    Omg. I LOVE Jesse’s windbreaker pants with his tux. He’s such a rebel!

    Like

  19. Katie says:

    I’m slowly making my way through this entire blog and one thing I am absolutely loving is Rebecca Donaldson’s full name always being used.

    Like

  20. Collin says:

    What the hell is up with Uncle Jesse’s clothes? Especially the parallel white stripes on his pants. Is he a train conductor?

    Like

  21. Julie says:

    Ahhh, this is the first time Kathy Santoni is mentioned. She’s my favorite character because she makes DJ feel shitty about herself several times through the show.

    Like

  22. Laney says:

    “Do you ever think about the actors who are hired to play undesirable people on tv shows? It must be a real mixed bag to get a gig like that”

    Yes, all the time!!

    Like

  23. Megan says:

    so mean to turn down a girl i mean that was shitty and that Micheal guy was a total dick! Dj should have been the one to dump his sorry lame ass. well later in the Full House seasons Dj became a fine girl so did Stephaine so there were 2 hot Tanner sisters and the uncle was always hot.

    Like

  24. Austin says:

    I think the writer is just writing with bad spelling and such just to be spiteful. I approve.

    Like

  25. Katie says:

    “Rebecca goes downstairs and has a talk with Jesse about their burgeoning relationship. After a frantic and confused analysis of the situation, Rebecca Donaldson sets the feminist movement back 60 years by saying, “maybe you should just shut me up.” After a big sloppy smooch, the two are officially a couple.”

    I swear, I fucking LOVE your phrasing and word choice. Hilarious. (I know I am late to the game, but whatevs.)

    Like

  26. John Q says:

    Is John Stamos wearing some kind of matador outfit??

    Did they even bother to re-introduce the grandfather in this episode. What happens if you watched out of sequence or hadn’t seen the grandfather episode. I was watching this thinking, “Who the hell is that middle aged guy gambling and baby sitting the kids”?

    I was really surprised by the “I could go all night” comment on such a saccharine G rated show. And then Danny gets freaked out that all the women want to have sex with him and then he gets flustered and picks the grandmother?? Are they trying to make him look gay??

    That’s a really cold break up by that Michael kid. “Thanks for doing my homework, oh by the way I’m breaking up with you so I can go out with a pretty girl”. That kid (Jonathan Brandis) was a big deal among the teens in the late 80’s and then he basically only had success on that “Seaquest” show. I didn’t even know he committed suicide, how tragic.

    Rebecca wouldn’t go out with Jesse previously because she had to focus on her “career”?? What? Was that some kind of stupid 80’s thing.

    Like

  27. Marianne says:

    Date auctions do happen outside of sitcoms. My high school’s improv group did one once. IN HIGH SCHOOL. I made a complete fool of myself bidding on my crush, and then I didn’t even win. Thanks, Full House, for making me relive my most embarrassing moment ever.

    Like

  28. snapnoodle says:

    I realize I’m posting this WAY after the article was posted but: I think of actors having to play obviously unattractive people ALL THE TIME. It’s so weird but I’ve thought about it enough to come to the conclusion that they/their agents are probably told that the role is for an “unattractive/overweight character” so they’d know about it ahead of time.

    Like

  29. “Do you ever think about the actors who are hired to play undesirable people on tv shows?”

    I already know I’m undesirable; I might as well get paid for it.

    Like

  30. unicornbutt says:

    OK I like the great story and all to much cussing and u said d.j “friend” michael
    U said he looked stuipid well he does not if anything Bessie or whatever was.

    Like

  31. Corannhena says:

    Her face isn’t shown in the screencaps (or if it was I didn’t notice) but I watched this ep earlier on Nick at Nite and Crystal looked REALLY familiar for some reason. :/

    Not-yet-Aunt Becky’s sparkly sequin blazer, my gods. I almost forgot sparkly sequin blazers were A Thing in the late ’80s/early ’90s.

    Is there an episode in which we actually see Kathy Santoni, or is she always just mentioned in passing? Also it seems to be impossible to not use both her names. :p

    … crap, I think there was a fourth point I wanted to mention but I’ve forgotten it :/

    Like

  32. Kimmy's Fashion Sense says:

    If anyone ever paid money for JOEY GLADSTONE to go out with me, I’d kill myself. Or the person who wasted their money on a garbage heap like Joey

    Like

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