Pre-Credits Gag: DJ and Stephanie teach Michelle how to rollerskate. Stephanie keeps making statements about how unimpressive her rollerskating is and the baby sort of winces at her, which makes the audience crack up. How come the audience laughs every time the baby does anything? It’s bad enough when the audience gets so excited when she carries a bowl of popcorn or listens to her headphones, but this time all she’s doing is looking at someone. Also, why does Stephanie have to hate on her little sister so hard?
The Uncles are working hard on their latest advertising jingle. While brainstorming, they do a Sammy Davis Jr. impression that’s even more offensive than if they’d dug him out of his grave and shit in his mouth. Actually, I guess Sammy Davis Jr. was still alive when this aired, although if he ever saw this episode I’m sure he wished he was dead. The Uncles feel pressed for time because the girls will be home soon and, sure enough, the girls barge into their room moments later and unhesitatingly demand a bunch of shit. DJ needs help preparing for her karate tournament and Stephanie wants Jesse to teach her how to do an Elvis impersonation for the Honeybee talent show.
Some time later, Jesse waits anxiously by the phone, expecting a call from the ad agency. Joey comes up from his creepy basement with a bunch of bags of garbage and while Jesse helps him take them outside the baby slams the door behind them, locking them out. It always bothers me when the show makes jokes like this. This is actually a potentially hazardous situation. Think of all of the horrible things that could happen to a little baby that’s stuck inside by herself. It’s just not funny at all. The phone rings while they’re locked out and they miss the call. Is it me or are the kids on this show constantly ruining their Uncles’ lives?
The Uncles eventually get their boss, Mr. Malatesta (who’s played by the dad from Teen Wolf), on the phone and he buys their crappy jingle. He invites them down to his office and offers them the opportunity to write an advertising campaign that could lead to full-time jobs.
Danny tells the girls that the Uncles have to work all night so they wont be around to help with their dumb ass problems. Danny says that he’ll be able to help DJ with Karate and Stephanie with her Elvis impersonation simultaneously, because Elvis did karate. This leads to one of those stand out moments on this show that’s just so painfully embarrassing to watch, in which Danny does an Elvis impression that’s sprinkled with karate moves.
I can’t even describe how fucking bad it is. Sometimes I wonder if I should try to do video captures of moments like this because you really have to see them for yourself to understand how awful they are, but then I always remind myself that one of the purposes of this blog is to allow the audience to revel in the awfulness of Full House without having to actually watch it.
This also reminds me of what a complete and utter dipshit Bob Saget really is. I know that he cashed in on having a potty mouth after the show ended and everything but when you watch moments like this you’re really reminded that you can’t fake being such a fucking square.
The Uncles come home as Danny puts the girls to bed. Danny’s proud of the Uncles for proving to not be completely fucking worthless and seeming like they’ll actually be able to pitch in some rent after mooching off of him for two years. After all the grown-ups leave, the girls commiserate about how all the adults will be working so nobody will be around to drive them to their honeybee meetings and help them with their stupid science projects and shit like that. What a couple of selfish twats. Their Uncles finally do something worthwhile and all they can think about is how it will interfere with their constant inconsiderate neediness.
While the Uncles prepare for their big advertising campaign pitch, Grandma shows up and drops the baby off with them. They Decide that they’d better try to hide the baby behind a desk while they do their pitch rather than just explain to the client that they have their niece in the office with them. Totally unexpectedly, the baby disrupts the presentation while the Uncles flail around trying to keep her concealed, but the client buys their campaign anyway.
After the client leaves the Uncles are awarded full-time jobs and they explain to Mr. Malatesta that the baby belongs to the two of them. Mr. Malatesta makes a weird face and says that their personal lives are none of his business, which is just the latest of many examples of this show treating gay parenting like it’s some sort of wacky imaginary concept even though it’s actually the entire basis for this series.
Back at the full house, the Uncles celebrate their new jobs and then the rest of the family comes in with the news that DJ got her green belt and Stephanie won the talent competition. The Uncles congratulate them and share their own good news about their full-time jobs but then the girls get all sullen. The music comes and they’re all, “now that you have jobs you won’t come to our stupid activities and wait on us all the time and then you’ll miss out on our whole lives.” Man, this shit is just unbelievable. Are these guys really expected to never have real jobs and just dedicate their lives to these egocentric children? What kind of message is a show like this sending to children with working parents? Also, as if the situation isn’t ridiculous enough, how are you supposed to take it at all seriously when Stephanie has a fucking Elvis wig on the whole time?
And finally, if the story was really trying to make the point of how badly needed these Uncles are in the girls daily lives, you’d think that they wouldn’t have done so well in their activities without their Uncles’ help. Stephanie didn’t even decide until the day before that she was going to do an Elvis impersonation in the talent show but she still came in first place.
Down in Joey’s creepy basement, the Uncles literally weigh out the pros and cons in order to decide if they want to keep their new jobs. Besides the total lack of support from the heartless succubi they live with, they also consider that this new career will really infringe on Joey’s shitty comedy career and Jesse’s awful band. Finally, when Danny brings the hideous baby down to say goodnight to them, they feel overwhelmed with guilt about no longer being able to bend to her every whim all the time.
The Uncles go to their big luxurious office and ask Mr. Malatesta if they could work from home from now on. After mulling it over, he says that he loves them and if that’s what will make them happy then so be it. Just then the rest of the family shows up and Mr. Malatesta snubs them, once again saying that their personal lives are none of his business, which is a sort of polite way of saying that he doesn’t want to meet their queer ass family. The girls are overjoyed that the Uncles will still be around to dote on them constantly and the Uncles say that before they give up their office they should all check out the sweet ass view of the Bay from the balcony. Closing the episode, the baby locks them all out in the balcony, which, again, is really more frightening than funny.
This is yet another episode that showcases a completely baffling set of morals. The girls’ total lack of support towards their Uncles burgeoning careers should be a source of shame, and their emotionally manipulative behavior shouldn’t be accommodated in any way. I feel like we’re really getting to some root causes in this series, as the relentless affirming of the girls behavior as they act like completely self-centered assholes is really starting to clarify whey they’re so pushy and inconsiderate all the time. This family seriously needs therapy.