Season 2, Episode 16, “Baby Love”

Pre-Credits Gag:  Kimmie Gibbler brings over a bunch of puppies.  There are lame jokes involved but it’s hard to hate on it because look at those adorable puppies!

Uncle Jesse tunes in to Wake Up, San Francisco to see whether or not Rebecca Donaldson gives him the secret signal that says if he’s gonna get to bang her later.  As if using her morning talk show to plan her sexual rendezvous wasn’t bad enough, she also decides to feature her 2 year old nephew as a guest.  Danny actually calls her out on how self-serving that is, probably because he must be pretty desperate to make someone else look like a shitty host for once.  He immediately ruins his own credibility again by taking the opportunity to give shout outs to his own family, including his mother who mysteriously disappeared from the series, and Cousin Ed, who you may remember because he appeared briefly in Season 1, Episode 11.  I wonder if we’ll ever see Cousin Ed on camera again?  Anyway, as Rebecca Donaldson’s nephew, Howie, mindlessly waves at the screen, Michelle gets a huge boner for him.

In the very next scene the dad’s bring Howie home to meet Michelle.  Danny refers to Howie as Michelle’s boyfriend and then Stephanie points out that all of the Tanner sister’s have boyfriends except DJ.  Dang, DJ Tanner has no game!  There’s also some stilted baby acting as Michelle and Howie interact.  You can actually see the babies looking offstage for cues and they always look confused.  Babies acting on tv is a lot like how regular tv would be if everyone was on prescription pain medication all the time.  So I guess it’s a lot like reality tv.

Kimmie Gibbler comes over with a VHS copy of The Wolfman for her and DJ to watch.  Stephanie tries to horn in on their fun and protests their claims that it’s too scary for her.  She complains to Uncle Jesse, who decides to let her watch it even though Rebecca Donaldson advises him otherwise.  Back in Uncle Jesse’s room, he and Rebecca Donaldson get into a discussion about the Wolfman decision, which leads to a heated argument over what they would name their hypothetical children.  It kind of seems like, as Rebecca Donaldson becomes a more solid cast member, they’re sort of initiating her into the series by having her occasionally act like a big corny lunatic.

The Dad’s all gather around to stare at Michelle and Howie, all tuckered out, post-coitus.  Howie’s Mom enters the room and, sensing her son’s feeling that it’s time to bail, takes Howie home.  Michelle gets all upset and starts saying, “Howie no go” over and over again.  Everyone just laughs about how cute it is but after the baby is left alone she sits up in her crib and says, “Howie no bye bye” over and over until the scene fades out for a commercial.  What a bizarre act break.  They don’t even play their usual, manipulative music, it’s just the baby talking in a real sad voice in a quiet, dark room.  It kind of leaves you feeling empty inside.

Michelle refuses to go to sleep because she’s so distraught over the loss of Howie.  Meanwhile, Stephanie is all freaked out after watching the movie and is convinced that every sound she hears is the Wolfman.  After a lot of screaming, the dad’s all enter the scene and decide to console Stephanie by doing a corny routine about what the Wolfman’s family is like instead of just telling her to shut the fuck up and go to bed.  Yet another example of the dad’s accommodating behavior being a clear source for the kid’s totally obnoxious sense of entitlement.

In the morning the family discovers that Michelle is inconsolably depressed over the loss of her man.  After the family makes some feeble attempts to cheer her up, Jesse decides to take her into his room and sing a song he wrote for her.

Well, shit, you guys.  Here we are, at another one of those segments that’s just so fucking shitty that it hurts my little heart to have to write about it.  What could possibly be worse than an acoustic guitar song about the character of Michelle sung by John Stamos?  Well, I’ll tell you what:  if it also had a long musical break in the middle with a montage of clips of Michelle from throughout the series.  Remember when she ate poo?  How about that time she rode Bubba the turtle?  I get all choked up thinking back on those days…

After Jesse’s horrible piece of shit song the baby’s just like, “where Howie” right away again so there wasn’t even any fucking point to any of that shit.

So finally Rebecca Donaldson shows up with a video she shot of Howie at the airport and Michelle is consoled by the idea that they can be “video pals.”  Well alright.

Rebecca Donaldson then suggests that they put Michelle into a play group to help socialize her so she doesn’t act like such a fucking obsessive weirdo every time she meets another baby and everyone agrees.  Wow, that was the first time on the whole show that a sensible exchange is had in an effort to solve a problem.  Not wanting to ever end on a high note, the episode wraps with Michelle requesting to watch the Howie video again and the family all chanting, “Howie” as the credits come on.  Howie, y’all.  Howie.

This is the first episode that really focuses on Michelle as the central character.  They really tried to squeeze some dramatic baby acting out of her and the results were pretty unsettling. I wonder whose idea it was to make a whole episode about her being all obsessed with some other baby?  Weird.

Firsts:  Episode about Michelle, a sensible exchange is had in an effort to solve a problem