Season 2, Episode 21, “Luck Be a Lady-Part One”

Pre-Credits Gag:  Michelle and Danny crawl around on the floor and bark like dogs.

“Wake Up, San Francisco,” is doing its first on-location episode in Lake Tahoe so for some reason the whole Tanner family is going.  Jesse looks forward to a long weekend of banging Rebecca Donaldson and says he plans on using the occasion to “tell her the three little words that every woman wants to hear.”  I assumed he meant, “I murdered Joey,” but I guess he’s actually planning on telling her he loves her.

While Danny and the girls check out their hotel room the manager comes in and refers to the place as the “FABULOUS Ali Baba Hotel and Casino,” about fifty million times.  It’s one of those jokes where they figured that since it wasn’t funny the first time, maybe it would become endearing if they just did it over and over.  And over.

Jessie calls up Rebecca Donaldson’s room to tell her that he’s ready to tear that ass up all night but she shoots him down, saying that she has to prepare for her big interview with famous actor Todd Masters tomorrow.  She consoles his swollen testicles with a promise that they’ll have breakfast together in the morning.

In the morning Jesse arrives at the taping of “Wake Up, San Francisco” all butt hurt because Rebecca Donaldson flaked out on their breakfast plans so she could go hang out with Todd Masters some more.  He tries to yell at her about it but the taping begins so he has to just stand there and watch her and Todd Masters have a sexually suggestive conversation on live television.  Incidentally, why exactly did they go to Lake Tahoe to interview this famous movie star guy?  What is the correlation between Todd Masters and Lake Tahoe?  Also, check out this shows rendition of a big movie star:  He looks like a naive art sculpture of Joe Piscopo made from old tires.

Meanwhile, the girls are seduced by the allure of gambling and convince Joey to play the slots for them because they’re too young and what the hell else is Joey good for?  Joey hits a winning streak and asks the girls to watch the slot machine for him as he walks off-screen to go get a change bucket.  And, wouldn’t you know it?  As soon as he’s gone, the girls just can’t avoid the urge to gamble and they play the machine, instantly pulling the grand prize of $100,000.  Joey takes the credit as Danny’s live show covers the win and everybody gleefully jumps up and down like a bunch of assholes.

For some reason Rebecca Donaldson just hangs back as the gambling win is covered and chats with Todd Masters as he continues to rub his boner against her leg.  He offers to take her out to dinner but she tells him that she can’t because she’s dating some failed musician with greasy hair.  Todd Masters is actually pretty amicable about the whole thing but that doesn’t stop Jesse from rolling up on their conversation and getting all bent out of shape.  Jesse talks a bunch of shit to Todd Masters and then hits on some fake-titty waitress to make Rebecca Donaldson jealous.  Then, as if all that shit wasn’t bad enough, he storms onto the show during the live taping, repeatedly interrupts anyone’s attempts to explain why he’s being irrational, and dumps Rebecca Donaldson.  Again, this all happens on live television.

Joey coaches the girls about keeping their cool while he collects their winnings from the slot machine.  Stephanie immediately lets it slip to Danny that DJ was the one who pulled the handle and Danny whips out his high-and-mighty set of morals.  Dodging responsibility, Joey uses one of the greatest excuses I’ve ever heard, “I had nothing to do with it.  I was getting a money bucket.”  Regardless, Danny insists that they refuse the money, which I guess might seem like a feasible decision since he’s a highly paid talk shot host.  Actually, you know what?  Fuck that.  There’s isn’t a human being on Earth who wouldn’t take that money.  Jesus Christ and Ghandi and Spider-Man would all take that money.

Anyway, once the flamboyant hotel manager arrives, Joey gives him a long, fumbling explanation in which he constructs a version of what happened that might not prevent him from getting the money.  Once he’s done the hotel manager tells him that the whole incident was filmed and he knows that the girls played the machine, therefore they do not get the money.  Well then why did he stand there and listen to Joey’s whole explanation???

Jesse confronts Rebecca Donaldson in her hotel room and is totally unapologetic about humiliating her at her job/on television.  He just accuses her of a bunch more stuff and absolves himself of any wrongdoing until Rebecca Donaldson finally clarifies that she turned down Todd Masters. Jesse then feels bad for about two seconds before opening up a while new spiel about how he just has to act the way he feels.  He tells Rebecca Donaldson that he loves her and then she says that she loves him too so, naturally,  the only logical conclusion is that they should get married that very minute.  Rebecca Donaldson agrees even though she’s commiting herself to sharing her life with a bi-polar narcissist who is clearly willing to destroy her career in order to accomodate his unstable emotions.  But will they go through with it?  Find out next week in the shitty ass season finale of Season 2!