Pre-Credits Gag: This weeks pre-credits gag is taken up by a summary of last week’s episode, interspersed with comments by that ugly ass baby.
The episode opens in a similar fashion to Rocky 2-5, with footage of the final moments from the previous episode. Once we’re caught up to the present, Jesse and Rebecca Donaldson begin frantically planning their precipitous wedding. Rebecca Donaldson has several moments of near-clarity in which she stops to question the logic of what they’re doing but she is decisively quelled by Jesse’s manic energy each time. The couple make plans to get married at the very casino hotel they’ve been staying at because, hey, why visit another set? They also decide to keep their wedding a secret for no other discernible reason than that it will make for a wackier set of circumstances.
A knock at the door brings DJ and Stephanie into the scene, and even though they were invited in, their presence doesn’t stop Jesse and Rebecca Donaldson from making out. I guess that’s because it’s really been a while since we’ve experienced the series tradition of people staring at Jesse while he’s making out. Anyway, the girls wonder if Jesse and Rebecca Donaldson are ready to go horseback riding and become puzzled at their flighty, giddy behavior as they decline to go. As the adults leave the scene, the girls decide to investigate the source of their odd behavior. Hey… wait a minute… the last thing that anyone in the Tanner family witnessed was Jesse storming onto the set of Rebecca Donaldson’s show during a live broadcast and breaking up with her, so why the fuck are these kids doing showing up at their hotel room talking about horseback riding? I mean, if the story required the girls to come to their hotel room, couldn’t they have shown up under the pretense of wanting to see how Jesse and/or Rebecca Donaldson were doing after their big break-up? The kids don’t even react to them being back together. Did the shows creators really not credit an audience with having the ability to remember shit they saw a week ago? Or maybe I’m wrong to credit the writers with having that ability themselves…Well, actually… now that I think about it, I guess it is pretty in line with the kids characters that they would just show up at their hotel room and demand to be taken horseback riding with no consideration towards their relationship woes. You win this round, Full House.
Meanwhile, Joey has become a slot-machine junky in the wake of his tragic loss from last episode (I guess we’re supposed to remember that event) and develops a gambling rivalry with Pearl from 227.
The girls tail Jesse as he makes wedding plans with the hotel manager, who refers ad nauseum to the FABULOUS Ali Baba Hotel and Casino and Wedding Chapel (funny how he never managed the wedding chapel part before) because we really needed to hear that fucking bit a few more times.
After going through all the shit in their hotel room, the girls deduce that Jesse and Rebecca Donaldson are getting married. They decide to keep their knowledge of this a secret, which makes no clearer sense than it did when Jesse and Rebecca Donaldson made the wedding a secret in the first place. In the very next moment, Danny and Joey enter the scene and immediately press the girls to reveal the secret they are obviously hiding. Stephanie is so compelled to spill the beans to someone so she tells the baby, who blurts it out, revealing the news to everyone at last. I swear, every time someone tries to keep some information from someone else on this show it’s just such a fucking waste of time. Anyway, Danny declares that the wedding is a mistake and he must put a stop to it. Joey questions his logic but Danny reveals that when he and his wife were married they eloped and it caused their families a great deal of grief, especially Jesse, who was so upset that he beat up Danny. Man, that is one flashback I sure would like to see. So the whole family bands together to ruin Jesse and Rebecca Donaldson’s stupid wedding. The baby leads the procession of kids, which causes DJ to make the meta-remark, “When did Michelle take over?” Man, tell me about it! And, oh, how it only gets worse…
The family arrive just in time to intercept the wedding but are immediately persuaded to lend their support. If that’s the outcome, especially after so little effort, then why were we led to believe that they were going to stop it? Why does anyone ever declare their intentions to do anything on this fucking show if they never amount to anything? Why must they waste our time?!? The family might as well have decided to just go look at the wedding and been totally complacent about it because the fucking results would have been the same.
So the family join the wedding party, including the baby acting as flower girl, which gets a big extended laugh from the audience even though babies acting as flower girls are pretty standard wedding fare and there’s not even a joke involved. So anyway, the hotel managers nuptials keep bringing up issues like where they might live once they’re married and how many kids they want to have, which keeps leading to Jesse and Rebecca Donaldson stepping aside and discussing these issues that they’ve never addressed before. Finally, Rebecca Donaldson realizes that they haven’t made any of the necessary steps that two people need to make before even deciding to get married to each other and she runs off.
Left at the altar, Jesse sits down and looks hurt as sad music plays and then the baby comes up to him and says, “I do,” which is the most desperate grab for an emotionally resonant moment I’ve ever seen. Also, doesn’t that mean that she wants to marry her Uncle?
Back at the full house, Jesse sits in his room listening to a terrible cover of, “Sittin’ On the Dock of the Bay” and crying like a punk ass bitch. Now that’s comedy! Rebecca Donaldson knocks at the door so he quickly picks up his phone and tries to act like he’s ordering up some hot poontang but his ruse is quickly foiled. Rebecca Donaldson explains that the realized that getting married on the fly at a shitty casino was a dumb ass thing to do but that doesn’t mean that they need to end their relationship. The craziest thing about this scene is that everything Rebecca Donaldson says is actually really well thought out and makes a lot of sense. So they get back together and then the rest of the family comes into the room to celebrate and with that ends the second season of the worst sitcom of all time.
So there you have it, Season Two in the can! Like I did with Season 1, I’ll be running a review of the season as a whole for my next weekly installment, but be sure to stay tuned throughout the week as I post some end-of-the-season bonus posts, including our very first contest!