Season 3, Episode 12, “Joey and Stacy and…Oh, Yeah, Jesse”

Danny tells Michelle to stop blowing bubbles into her chocolate milk.  She diverts each of his assertions with the question of “why?” until he finally concedes that it’s ok after all, going so far as to blow bubbles into his own chocolate milk to support her.  Yeah, that’s right, just go ahead and let that asshole baby do whatever she wants.

Joey interrupts Jesse’s rehearsal for their new commercial with the suggestion that they replace their retarded musical routine with his shitty ass comedy.  Jesse shuts him down and then introduces him to the backup singers he’s hired for the ad, including Stacy, who’s apparently a big fan of Joey’s stand-up and really enthused to meet him.  Incidentally, the other backup singer is played by Cindy Herron, former Ms. Black California and founding member of En Vogue.  She has almost no lines or screen time but I thought it was kind of interesting to see her on here, mostly because I’m pretty desperate to find any genuine points of interest whatsoever on this soul-sucking shitpile of a tv show.  I mean, what else is there to do besides let your brain totally numb itself while you’re watching this?  When you’ve got Joey onscreen in a ridiculous beret doing a terrible impression of Roseanna Barr you get pretty desperate for something else to shift your focus toward.

Kimmie Gibbler comes over to copy DJ’s homework but it turns out the dog ate it.  And as if destroying the homework wasn’t insulting enough, Comet seems to have somehow torn a hole in the paper in the shape of a dick and balls.  Astounding!

Danny and the baby file into DJ’s room one after another, each stating complaints about something of theirs that the dog fucked up.  Suddenly, as if on cue, Stephanie enters the scene with Comet, and upon discovering that everyone’s hella mad at him she casually excuses his behavior.

Joey and Stacy continue their bizarre, cartoon-trivia-based courtship in the living room and then abruptly start making out.  Gross!  One thing that’s really caught me off guard while watching through this series is how much ass Joey seems to get.  He can’t ever get a functional relationship going but he sure does get a lot more action than you’d expect.  Of course, him getting any action whatsoever would be more than you’d expect, but he actually, appallingly, seems to do pretty well with the ladies.  Besides being nauseating, it’s just not very believable, especially in moments like this, where immediately after making out with Stacy, Joey exclaims, “Aye Chihuahua!”  I mean, really, what woman is gonna stick around after that?  I guess the same fucked up weirdo woman who would make out with Joey in the first place.

Anyway, Jesse walks in on their cavorting and tells Joey what suit to wear for their meeting tomorrow and then Stacy immediately starts getting in Joey’s ear about how Jesse’s always telling him what to do.  Just then Jesse summons Joey from the kitchen and tells him about bowling plans for the evening that he’s made for the two of them and Rebecca Donaldson.  Incidentally, what the hell happened to Rebecca Donaldson?  They put her in the opening credits at the beginning of the season, establishing her as a permanent character, but then we hardly ever saw her after that and now she’s not even in the opening credits anymore.  What’s up with that?  But I guess that’s just me digging up diversions again, either because I’m really having a hard time getting through this episode or maybe just because I miss staring at that sweet, sweet morning show hostess ass.

So anyway Joey gets up in Jesse’s shit about always bossing him around but then Jesse cools him down and then the two of them make up by doing annoying Sammy Davis Jr. impressions.  However, things just might not be fully resolved, as once the mood lightens, Jesse immediately starts calling shots again and a somber musical note at the end of the scene suggest further disharmony.

Stephanie follows a trail of Mr. Bears clothes in the hallway and finds him gutted on the floor of her room.

It’s weird how artificial the scene looks, like Mr. bear was carefully cut open and placed on the floor.  It seems like in the ultra-bland pastel world of Full House, even an act of animal violence is carefully arranged and presented in the most vanilla way possible.  Anyhow, Stephanie freaks out and the rest of the family come to see what the big hullabaloo is and then Comet comes in and, not content with simply destroying Stephanie’s beloved childhood stuffed animal, he mounts Mr. Bear right there, in front of everyone.  Dang, I guess I spoke to soon about this scene being vanilla….

Jesse and Joey present their advertising jingle to some stuffy business guys.  I wonder what ever happened to their boss, Mr. Malatesta?  We haven’t seen that guy in a while…  Oh, right, so anyway, they do their presentation, which includes a large, hideous puppet, and the business guys like it but decide that it’s “too safe.”  Stacy then pressures Joey to present his shitty comedy routine and so he pitches to the business guys that they check out his new, “unexpected” approach in the form of a comedy routine, because I’m really sure that Joey is the first guy in the history of radio advertising to think of doing a lame comedy routine to sell a shitty product.  So Joey goes into a bit about a French hockey player and, naturally the business guys immediately agree to buy it. Jesse gets all butt hurt about Joey selling the comedy idea and storms out like a little girl.  In the aftermath of Jesse’s sissy tantrum, Stacy tells Joey that they can’t see each other anymore because it’s causing too much trouble for he and Jesse’s partnership.

While DJ tries to repair Mr. Bear, Stephanie relates her issues with Comet to Jesse’s with Joey.  Danny intervenes and gives them advice about having faith in friends.  What’s kind of weird is that he pretty much tells Stephanie that it’s her own fault that Mr. Bear got fucked up because she left him laying around.  You’d think maybe he’d want to invest in some obedience training for that dog since it’s been actively fucking up everyone’s shit.  Why is the solution just to blame Stephanie instead?  But anyway it doesn’t matter because DJ fixes Mr. Bear so everything goes back to normal.  Just once can’t someone learn a hard lesson on this show?  Every time someone is forced to reconcile with not getting what they want they are rewarding by getting what they want.

After talking with Danny, Jesse recognizes that he has a tendency to be bossy so he confronts Joey in order to patch things up.  Jesse unambiguously apologizes and tells Joey that he was right about everything but Joey just rants at him.  Suddenly and without explanation, Stacy enters the kitchen (seriously, how did she get inside the full house?).  She tells Joey that Jesse called her up to try to help patch things up between them (but still says nothing about him letting her inside the full house) and Joey is so touched that the music comes on.  The uncles declare their undying gay love for each other and then Jesse orders Joey to kiss Stacy.  Joey’s like, what the fuck, I thought we just agreed that you were gonna quit ordering me around, but then Stacy insists that he comply.  Isn’t that fucking gross?

Joey and Stacy have the most fast paced relationship I’ve ever seen.  They’ve known each other for about 2 days and their relationship has already caused a major rift in Joey’s professional life and they’ve broken up and gotten back together.  Although they’ve come so far in such a short amount of time, something tells me that we’ll never see Stacy ever again.  I guess that explains why Joey gets so many girlfriends:  the show provides him with one every time it’ll serve some lame ass plot.