Season 3, Episode 13, “No More Mr. Dumb Guy”

Pre-Credits Gag:  The girls do Michelle’s hair so she’ll look nice for Grandma.  Seriously, what’s with this whole off-screen Grandma thing?  If they can’t be bothered to ever bring her back on the show again why do they always gotta mention her?  Anyway, the baby looks in the mirror and expresses disappointment that she still looks like herself.  She finds a blonde wig that’s in a basket in her room for some reason and decides that it makes her look like a movie star, which cheers her up.  Sometimes these pre-credits gags are just fluff but then there are times like this, when they seem like windows into the Olsen Twins’ deep-routed psychological problems.

The episode opens with an airing of Wake Up, San Francisco, wherein Rebecca Donaldson sits back as Danny desperately fumbles through a barrage of sexual advances towards their guest, a woman named Cynthia who is putting on a cultural arts festival.  He even goes so far as to spill juice all over her dress and try to dab it up with a towel. What a shameless way to cop a feel.

After the taping is over Danny asks Cynthia to be his date to the festival and for the sake of moving the plot along she says yes.  Meanwhile, Jesse shows up all covered with grease because he’s just repaired Rebecca Donaldson’s car.  She invites him to the arts festival, noting that her old college professor will be there, and at first he doesn’t want to go but then she talks him into it.  It’s funny because he says he wants to prove to her that there’s more to him than just motorcycles and rock ‘n’ roll, but that really is all there is to him.  If you really wanna dig deeper you can find a love of fried chicken in there but, believe me, once you’ve mined for that little nugget there’s nothing left in that cold hard ground.

Joey makes spaghetti for the girls and the baby calls it “spissghetti.”  Oh, spissghetti! Stephanie learns a new trick where she can make the baby say shitty stuff to DJ and then DJ retaliates by getting the baby to call Stephanie a “cheese head.”  This is interesting because first we have Uncle Jesse acknowledge his complete lack of depth as a character and then we have a scene that basically demonstrates that the writers know that they can win over the audience by having the baby say pretty much anything.  It’s like the writers are offering us an inside view of what they’re thinking, and what they’re thinking is, “I hate everyone who watches my tv show.”

Jesse comes home with hella books and when Joey axes him what’s the dilly-o, Jesse explains that he has to go to that smart people party with Rebecca Donaldson and he wants to bone up on his reading so he doesn’t look like a fucking moron.

Danny introduces the girls to Cynthia before their date and Michelle calls Cynthia “cheese head.”  Danny explains to the girls that if they don’t deprogram that kind of language from the baby by the time he gets home he’s gonna beat them with wire hangers and make them scrub the bathroom floor all night.

Meanwhile, Jesse crams up in his room so he can seem smart for the party.  He decides at the last minute that everyone is gonna know what a worthless fuckhead no-nothing asshole he is so he feigns illness.  Just as he tells Rebecca Donaldson that he can’t make it, her old college professor shows up at the door and he’s all sophisticated and handsome and totally wants to fuck Rebecca Donaldson.

After everybody leaves, Jesse decides that he must crash the party.  While he puts his suit on, Jesse does the dumbest thing imaginable by asking Joey to help him to come up with some smart people small talk.  There’s an interesting moment where Joey provides some Shakespeare trivia by telling Jesse that all the women’s roles were originally played by men, to which Jesse responds, “you mean like that weird show we saw in Vegas?”  Poor Full House.  We all know that you’re gay…  when are you going to come out, and learn to love yourself?  This whole homophobic closet queen routine is very unbecoming.

At the smart people party, Danny spills caviar into Cynthia’s hair and picks it out as she miraculously remains unaware of the situation.  This bizarre subplot about Danny abusing this poor, wafer-thin androgynous woman only further supports the self-loathing queer theme of the episode.

So Jesse shows up to the party and acts like a gigantic asshole by being really pushy and misquoting everything that Joey told him.  It’s actually kind of a lot like every episode of Home Improvement.  Jesse gets into a pissing match with Rebecca Donaldson’s professor and ultimately challenges him to an arm wrestling match.  After a bunch of showboating Jesse wins the match but is confused when Rebecca Donaldson is all pissed off at him afterwards.

Meanwhile, back at the full house, DJ and Stephanie attempt to deprogram the baby so she’ll stop saying all the shitty stuff they taught her.  They all hug and proclaim their love for one another but then the baby belittles their emotions by declaring her love for an assortment of inanimate objects.  She wanders across the hall and finds Uncle Jesse, who’s all pissed off after the party, and the two of them engage in a heart to heart talk.  Jesse stresses the importance of intelligence and prompts Michelle to recite the ABC’s, which she complies to in a lovely time-wasting segment.  Seriously, how could they possibly put less effort into this show?  It’s a fucking baby saying the alphabet.  Anyway, Jesse decides that he was being a prick so he goes over to Rebecca Donaldson’s to win her back.

Jesse sits below Rebecca Donaldson’s window and sings a terrible song that he wrote for her.  She is touched by Jesse’s sappy bullshit and then he admits that he got all threatened because he’s a dumb ass moron and she likes to kick it with them egghead muthafuckas.  She says that even though he’s borderline retarded, can’t nobody bang her walls like him and then the music comes on and then they make out.

Well, I’m glad we got to see Rebecca Donaldson again, as she’s probably the least irritating regular cast member and she’s been conspicuously absent for most of this season.  It’d be nice to see an episode that focuses on some aspect of her other than her relationship with Jesse but something tells me we wont see that once in this whole fucking series.  You get like 2 characteristics on this show and that’s it.

First:  Rebecca Donaldson’s place (exterior only)

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53 Responses to Season 3, Episode 13, “No More Mr. Dumb Guy”

  1. Julie says:

    The second I realized what episode this was I heard Jesse say in my head, “Interesting, but high overrated…”

    Like

  2. KimanderEvil says:

    The lessons I learned:
    “smart” people use others to do their dirty work.
    “smart” people are lecherous.
    “smart” people like drag queens.
    “smart” people are polite enough to let you pick caviar out of their hair and pretend not to notice.
    “smart” people are the enemy.
    “smart” people are bad lays.

    Like

    • Corey says:

      This is why this show is such bullshit. (Well, one of the many reasons.) Studies have shown that intelligent people are the best lays. (Yes, they have seriously done studies on this, and yes, smart people win.) This show can go fuck itself, because that professor would surely rock Rebecca Donaldson’s world.

      It makes less and less sense that Rebecca would date a piece of shit like Jesse with each passing episode. Here, we see an attractive, intelligent, successful man who is shown to know everything about cars and Sammy Davis, Jr. and totally wants to fuck Rebecca, and she STILL chooses Jesse?! I call bullshit. Jesse literally does not have one thing to offer. Even if I didn’t have that data to back up the theory that the Professor would own Rebecca’s vagina, it would be obvious because Jesse is the most selfish piece of shit to ever walk the face of this Earth. He probably only does Rebecca doggy-style and doesn’t let her come.

      /rant

      Liked by 1 person

  3. psychic_hits says:

    If the song ends with him breathily repeating the phrase “I belong to you,” then I totally remember it. Unfortunately.

    Like

  4. Teebore says:

    Hooray! Rebecca Donaldson’s back! Now we just need some Kimmy Gibbler…

    then there are times like this, when they seem like windows into the Olsen Twins’ deep-routed psychological problems.

    I really think you’ve hit on something there. As Michelle gets older and older, I bet we’ll really start to see the foundations of the Olsen Twin’s problems start to form. It might even make watching all her antics slightly more bearable!

    He even goes so far as to spill juice all over her dress and try to dab it up with a towel. What a shameless way to cop a feel.

    That Slick Willy, always with the smooth talk…

    Like

  5. Scott says:

    I don’t get the pre-credits gag. So the ugly baby just happens to dig a long blonde wig out of a basket? Who just leaves shit like that laying around? Were they in Joey’s room? I hope this is discussed on the extra features on the DVDs.

    Like

  6. bri says:

    Ah, now we have a woman for Danny… why does Danny get unfathomably creepy when there’s an attractive woman?

    “Jesse does the dumbest thing imaginable by asking Joey to help him to come up with some smart people small talk.”

    What in the world? Why would anyone ever ask Joey for advice, unless it’s advice on how to mooch off people because you fail at life? I guess Jesse is dumb enough to go to him, though.

    “So Jesse shows up to the party and acts like a gigantic asshole by being really pushy and misquoting everything that Joey told him. It’s actually kind of a lot like every episode of Home Improvement.”

    As soon as I read that first sentence, I was like “whoa, holy Home Improvement rip-off.” I almost feel like reviewing Home Improvement would be worse than this show. Every episode literally has the same plot: Tim breaks shit at work, and then he has a problem with his wife or one of his sons. He goes to talk to Wilson, Wilson is so deep and smart, Tim repeats what Wilson said back to his wife, but without logic and understanding it, and then everyone’s happy again. There’s also lots of annoying grunting and making fun of Al. Dear god, that show was a disaster.

    Like

  7. The Complexities of Full House says:

    The professor is played by Dick Van Dyke’s real-life son. Which means there are approximately two degrees of separation between this schlock (which I adore because it’s part of my childhood but is seriously awful) and The Dick Van Dyke Show. The realm of Full House;s evil influence is not limited to 90s TGIF. It actually reaches out its grasp and ruins classic TV.

    Like

  8. Jenn says:

    I wish we could see a shot of the professor in the background of Rebecca Donaldson’s window. That would rule.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Peachsiki says:

      When I was a kid I honestly thought she must have been too dumb to go home alone, and I kind of expected her professor to pop out of the window. I must have sensed the need for actual drama in this series.

      Like

    • Sora says:

      I was thinking the exact same thing. That would be awesome.

      Like

  9. Ramon says:

    So, I’ve made it this far without leaving a comment, but I’ve been reading everything written herein.

    This journal of yours has prompted some conversations among my peers, and we have determined that we all watched this show, especially in syndication, as it was on before the folks came home and forced us to either turn the tv off or watch something of merit. We all watched the show, yet we can never remember laughing or even having a good time. We can’t remember talking about the show with friends or at school, but we all participated in its existence.

    Oddly enough, I never got into any of the other TGIF shows, even though they were all exactly the same, so logic dictates that if I watched one, I should have watched them all.

    Your observations on the continuity (or lack thereof) are interesting. I recently read a book called Everything Bad is Good For You, and in it the author theorizes that newer television programs are more complicated and employ interwoven storylines with narratives that run throughout entire seasons in part because DVD, and to a degree syndication, has allowed viewers to buy and rent entire series. So as technology progressed, so did entertainment. But back then, even in syndication it was hard to tell when any one episode took place compared to the previous one. Continuity wasn’t an issue, probably in part because the writers were lazy, but also probably because no one even thought about that mattering. I mean, who was going to realize that Danny’s mom was a different actress when the only other time you saw her was a full calendar year before (assuming you’re watching in real, airdate time)?

    Anyway, being this far removed from something like this show, revisiting it twenty years later through a surrogate that suffers so I don’t have to is a joy and a pleasure. I want you to know that your sacrifice is not in vain, and I will be reading until the end.

    Liked by 1 person

    • erin says:

      This is something that I’ve mused over as well — the fact that a lot of this “family” entertainment, ostensibly produced for children, is not even LIKED by that demographic… and yet they still watch it because at that age you’re still somewhat mesmerized just by seeing moving pictures, or because you have no concept of deciding “what’s on” (maybe that’s different in today’s DVD age). In my opinion, this childhood subservience would create an opportunity for these television executives to produce something that adults could enjoy watching too (because kids will watch whatever), but instead they make this GARBAGE television. Who the fuck were Full House and Home Improvement made for?? Everyone watched them but very few people actually liked them. This quiet subversion of middle-class America’s values to lauding materialism and egotism through a shitty television show. It would be kind of commendable if it weren’t so disturbing.

      Like

  10. Mumu says:

    “can’t nobody bang her walls like him” will now be my standard description of great sex.

    And why the fuck was Danny drinking JUICE on set?

    Like

  11. Lisa says:

    “After a bunch of showboating Jesse wins the match but is confused when Rebecca Donaldson is all pissed off at him afterwards.”
    Yes, he’s THAT dumb.

    Also, who has a balcony a foot off the ground?

    Like

    • LORIMAR-Telepictures says:

      At my grandmother’s condo building in Siesta Key, FL, they used to have apartment buildings with balconies a foot off the ground.

      Like

  12. kp199 says:

    “Meanwhile, Jesse shows up all covered with grease because he’s just repaired Rebecca Donaldson’s car.”

    Man, these folks sure do have a lot of car problems. You would think, being on a morning talk show, both her and Danny would have cars that actually ran.

    Like

  13. Bridget Hainline says:

    I live in Wisconsin and the term cheese head means Green Bay Packer football fan.

    Like

    • Rebecca Donaldson's old college professor says:

      It’s also a derogatory way that English people referred to the Dutch when they were at war in the 1600’s.

      Like

      • Bridget says:

        Really? I never knew that! I watched this episode on DVD and Danny did mention Wisconsin. What war did the British fight with the Dutch in the 1600’s?

        Like

  14. Chuck says:

    Funny, I never realized just how much Danny was trying to put the moves on Cynthia throughout the ep…and as a game show fan, I got a chuckle out of Jesse describing being at the festival as “a room full of Jeopardy winners, and I’m from The Price is Right”.

    Like

  15. Minnie says:

    Is Jesse growing his mullet back??

    and PS: this is one of THE BEST reviews. Keep up the good work dude 😉

    Like

  16. Greg says:

    “Meanwhile, Jesse shows up all covered with grease because he’s just repaired Rebecca Donaldson’s car.”
    I watched this episode before reading this review on it and sure enough, Jesse comes walking onto the set of Wake Up San Francisco covered in grease and reports to Rebecca all of the maintenance he just did on her car. So apparently he either brought all of his tools, an oil pan, engine fluids, etc all the way to the TV station and worked on Rebecca’s car right there in the parking lot, or this retard finished working on her car and was so proud of himself that as soon as he finished he just jumped in the car without cleaning himself up first and drove over to the TV station. Who shows up to their girlfriend’s place of work covered in grease and shit? And is there no security at this TV station?
    I watch this show and it makes me realize that I was a dumb fucking kid for thinking this was a good show to watch every Friday night on TGIF along with some of the other ABC train wrecks like Family Matters, Perfect Strangers and Step by Step.

    Like

  17. Johnny Dakota says:

    I saw this episode last night on Nick at Nite and I have a few items that need addressing:
    1) I can’t believe you didn’t mention the moment in which Joey sings an entire verse of “If I Only Had a Brain” to Jesse (complete with dance moves). It was AWFUL. If my friend performed that little diddy for me in a completely unsolicited fashion, I’d beat his ass. And the worst part is that Joey gets the audience to applaud when it’s all done. Sickening.
    2) So that lady is hosting an “Arts Festival.” One must presume it is to be a large event as she is advertising it on television. However, when we actually see the art festival, it’s a moderately-sized party in a fancy house. I don’t get it. Was that some kind of pre-party?
    3) There were two—count ‘em, two—moments in this episode that I actually found funny. First, Danny dropping caviar in the lady’s hair. That’s actually a funny sight gag. Second, the orchestra setting the mood during the arm wrestling match was downright inspired by Full House standards.
    That said, love the blog, man. Keep killin’ it.

    Like

    • John Q says:

      Spot on, the “If I only had a brain” moment was a classic WTF? It just comes completely out of left field so you seriously think that Joey has severe mental problems. And then he does it rather poorly as well and then the audience applauds as well. Was this actually filmed in front of a live studio audience or was this just canned applause?

      Like

  18. Peachsiki says:

    In that first screen grab, I immediately thought Danny is surely grabbing her boobs on TV… and then I was (stupidly, what did I expect?) shocked she agrees to take this baffoon to an event in which she’s put a lot of time and effort, I’m imagining she has a job in the arts and all of her colleagues and bosses will be there . To share it with a random asshat like Danny Tanner? If this woman was really smart she would’ve said no and revoked his invitation or took his ticket back.

    Like

  19. pait says:

    “Danny explains to the girls that if they don’t deprogram that kind of language from the baby by the time he gets home he’s gonna beat them with wire hangers and make them scrub the bathroom floor all night.”

    Yesssss, a Joan Crawford reference! I’ve been waiting for this since Danny first starting teaching Michelle how to clean. I haven’t laughed that hard since, well, probably something else you wrote.

    Like

  20. I always thought it was weird that the “here is what you say to sound sophisticated” was lifted almost directly from an old episode of M*A*S*H. I half expected Joey to tell Jesse that whenever music comes up just to go “aaaah, bach!”

    Like

    • RaikoLives says:

      You, sir, are my hero. Though I’d guess the “pretend to be someone you’re not” thing is quite a lot older than either of these shows (and that’s the last time I’ll ever put M*A*S*H and Full House into the same category of anything!). I imagine that the writers thought they were doing a pastiche of many of Shakespere’s plays, what with the balcony from Romeo and Juliet, so it’s possible they meant it to be like The Twelfth Knight, where the woman pretends to be a man (or, if you don’t know the one I mean, think of the awful Amanda Bynes movie “She’s the Man”). Or maybe I’m giving them too much credit.

      Like

  21. SteveInSanDiego says:

    “She is touched by Jesse’s sappy bullshit and then he admits that he got all threatened because he’s a dumb ass moron and she likes to kick it with them egghead muthafuckas.”

    LMAO! It made me think of that Duckface muthafucka! 😀

    Like

  22. Kenny says:

    She is touched by Jesse’s sappy bullshit and then he admits that he got all threatened because he’s a dumb ass moron and she likes to kick it with them egghead muthafuckas. She says that even though he’s borderline retarded, can’t nobody bang her walls like him and then the music comes on and then they make out.

    The only one on this show that was worth a shit was Kimmy and Rebecca Donaldson. LMFAO @ what you wrote also classic Billysuperstar.

    Like

  23. Megan says:

    when Jesse plays that song to Becky its so romantic. espically at night it sets the mood so right. just like the music video 2 become 1 by the Spice Girls.

    Like

  24. Alison says:

    I know I’m late replying to this, but I’m watching this episode right now (I need background noise while I work from home) and I am SO ticked off that this episode is actually making me defend Jesse that I needed to come comment on this blog post. This episode is portraying smart people as cocky, rude jerks. Although I think it sucks that Jesse wouldn’t go to the party just to support Becky but decided to go anyway for his own selfish reasons, I think Becky is being a biotch for not standing up for Jesse against all those snobby head-too-far-up-their-own-butt jerks. They automatically treat Jesse like some low life scum of the earth (I know, he is, but THEY don’t know that yet) just because he seems to not know as much as they do. This became apparent when the guy asked Jesse where he went to college. STFU dude, if college is what made you that much of a stuck up snob then I’d avoide it at all costs.

    Like

  25. Livvie says:

    ” She says that
    even though he’s borderline retarded, can’t
    nobody bang her walls like him and then
    the music comes on and then they make
    out.”

    LMAO! I laughed so much I lost my breath. I’m so glad I found this blog.

    Like

  26. John Q says:

    One thing I never understood were all the Sammy Davis Jr. references on this show around 1989. Was there a huge Sammy Davis Jr. renaissance in 1989 for some reason?? And wasn’t their target audience teen and pre-teen girls born in the mid- late 70’s to late 80’s and their baby boomer parents?? Why would they be interested in Sammy Davis Jr. anyway???

    Why the hell is Jessie covered in grease?? WTF did he bring all his tools to the t.v. station and do work on the car at the t.v. station?? Or did he work on the car at home and then drive over without cleaning himself up? Doesn’t Jessie have some kind of advertising job?? Why is he home on a Friday morning anyway? Why would Becky need Jessie to “fix” her car? Doesn’t she make a lot of money?

    And what’s the deal with the off screen grandma that we never see and the convenient blonde wig in the room?

    And why in the world would the professor go over to Danny’s house? Wouldn’t he just go directly to Arts festival? And the guy playing the professor looks awfully young to have taught Becky in college.

    The “If I only had a Brain” song out of left field by Joey makes him look like a complete mental patient.

    It seems like these people only eat spaghetti every night.

    Joey went to college?? WTF? He literally seems like a mentally challenged adult.

    I also love how 13 year old D.J. is essentially responsible for raising and supervising Michelle on this show.

    And the John Stamos song at the end is so cringe worthy. Why other the sex would Becky even maintain a relationship with this knucklehead.?

    Like

  27. DJ Tanner's Diet says:

    I remember seeing this episode as a child, and a very trusting child at that. I had a very stable, safe, loving home life and my parents/siblings never introduced me to questionable people or situations. I was not a naturally inquisitive child but I still remember having three huge issues with this episode – 1. Jesse wants to look smart, so he asks for advice from Joey. 2. Danny’s date doesn’t notice him picking shit out of her hair. 3. Jesse wants to look smart, so he asks for advice from Joey.
    As an adult, my takeaway from this episode is 1. Why so many Sammy Davis Jr references? 2. Mmmm, Barry Van Dyke, yes yes yes.

    Like

  28. LORIMAR-Telepictures says:

    Interesting fact…Otto…The Shakespearean reading, mod looking dude was also the shoe salesman who creepily caresses Michelle’s feet in the giant feet episode.

    Like

  29. Tabitha says:

    Does anyone know that classical song playing in the background when Becky is telling Jesse he is a jerk, right after the arm wrestling. I need to know!

    Like

  30. Megan says:

    I like the song Jesse plays for Becky when he goes to her house.

    Like

  31. Melody says:

    Anyway, the baby looks in the mirror and expresses disappointment that she still looks like herself.” — I guess you’re a nicer person than I am, because I really want to make jokes about this . . . and now I feel like I shouldn’t! :p

    Like

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