Season 3, Episode 15, Lust in the Dust”

Pre-Credits Gag:  The baby tries to join in on DJ and Stephanie’s jump rope game but she does it wrong.  There’s some sort of joke about the way that she interprets their jump rope song but I can’t even tell what she’s saying.

Joey can’t get work done on his new advertising campaign because the baby hid his tape recorder.  Joey explains to her that he needs it for work but she just laughs at him and makes that little smug asshole smile that I hate so fucking much.  It’s always so disappointing to me that physical abuse isn’t among the many parenting flaws running rampant in the Tanner household.  I bet she’d give those keys up pretty quick if Joey held her head underwater.  Anyway, DJ finds the tape recorder.

Danny cancels a date and decides to spend his weekend cleaning the bathroom instead.  The family grills him about why he’s been weaseling out of all his dates all the time and Danny explains that the woman he was seeing had crooked earlobes.  The family reassures him that he’ll meet someone he likes soon and then, as if on cue, Stephanie shows up with her dance teacher, Karen.

I couldn’t remember any specific instance of Karen being on the show but she did look awfully familiar.  I had to wonder if she wasn’t just blending in with the plethora of bland, mildly-attractive-despite-their-awful-hair-and-clothes women that come and go throughout the series so I IMDB’d her and apparently she’s been in a few episodes before this.  She played a character with a different name in the episode called “Baby Love” (I couldn’t remember who the character was at all) and appeared as Karen for the first time a few episodes ago when Michelle had that awful circus themed birthday party (I couldn’t remember who she was in that episode, either.  I’m assuming she was the big titty aunt that showed up to the party…).  Anyway, it doesn’t fucking matter who she was before because now she’s Stephanie’s dance teacher, plus Danny wants to bang her.  So, there you go, that’s who she is.

Karen prompts Stephanie to show her family the sweet new dance moves she’s learned.  As if that wasn’t a mind-blowingly awesome enough setup on its own, Stephanie tells DJ to put a tape on and when DJ asks why she should have to do it, Stephanie replies, “because, your name’s DJ.”  She says it like DJ’s a fucking idiot, too, making it the funniest joke in the history of Full House.   Amping up this scenes ascension towards greatness, DJ puts on that now classic Bobby brown hit, “My Prerogative,” and Stephanie busts out the sweetest fucking dance routine you ever saw in your life.

Stephanie fucking tears it up, you guys.  That shit is awe-inspiring.  I’m kind of blown away by there actually being a moment on Full House that I genuinely enjoyed.  It’s giving me complex emotions.  Anyway, it’s easy to push any sentiment aside before it even sets in because in the next moment Danny starts dancing with Stephanie, which immediately transitions the scene from an awe inspiring spectacle to an awkward train-wreck.

However, Danny’s spastic, rhythm-proof thrusts are apparently some sort of white upper-class mating dance because pretty soon Karen starts dancing with him and then DJ and Stephanie being to develop a plot to hook them up.

DJ invites Karen to lunch and then the whole family makes a big obvious show of leaving them alone together.  Awkward!  DJ even lights a candle on their table before she splits.

Jesus Christ, DJ, why don’t you just toss them a bottle of lube!?  The craziest thing about it is that it actually works, because Danny and Karen are alone together for literally 20 seconds before they start making out.

While Danny’s off spittin’ game, Jesse realizes that he’s lost his keys.  He asks the girls if they’ve seen them and they all conclude that the baby must have hidden them.  They ask Michelle to show them all the stuff she’s been hiding and some incredible artifacts are uncovered, the most remarkable of which is DJ’s Milli Vanilli tape.  Milli Vanilli, you guys.  Milli Vanilli.  The best part is that Stephanie is vindicated by the discovery, exclaiming to DJ, “and you called me a Milli Vanilli thief!”  I don’t know, you guys, this episode is kind of great.  DJ really though that Stephanie had stolen her Milli Vanilli tape.  It was a fight that they’d had.

Danny walks Karen to her door after their date and she invites him in for some hot fucking.  Danny is down for the plan but then as soon as he steps into her apartment he sees that it’s a big filthy shithole.

Danny is unable to perform sexually due to the quality of Karen’s apartment.  He starts spouting all this crazy talk about cleanliness and she gets freaked out.  Danny decides that things aren’t going to work out between them and splits.

Michelle’s interrogation continues but she maintains the she didn’t hide Uncle Jesse’s keys.  Eventually Joey shows up and finds Jesse’s keys in the front door.  Jesse apologizes to Michelle and is so humbled that he forgets to make the point that he thought that she hid his keys because that’s what she’d been doing with everyone else’s shit.  Omitting this key point from the scenario only further paves the road for that hideous child’s reign of obnoxious behavior.  It’s like the story of the boy who cried wolf except that everyone just apologizes to the boy and tells him he was right the whole time at the end.

Danny comes home from his date and the family immediately surrounds him like a horde of vultures, demanding to hear the details.  He reports that he and Karen have decided just to be friends and the girls are pretty unaffected, reacting only by setting their sights on Danny’s next victim.  Stephanie suggests the lady who does Danny’s hair but DJ elucidates that the hairdresser is in fact a man.  Once again we find Full House touching upon its own repressed homosexuality, although I find this instance a little more hopeful than most.  Although Stephanie’s suggestion is rejected by DJ, which affirms that Full House is not yet ready to recognize it’s true orientation, it does present a courtship with the possibility.  Perhaps over time that curiosity will lead to illumination, and finally, acceptance.  Even this episodes title, “Lust in the Dust,” alludes to a cult-classic film starring none other than the great Divine.  If that’s not an indication of a burgeoning homosexual epiphany then I don’t know what to call it.

The Uncles decide to confront Danny about his latest date failure and he acts all weird and evasive before finally admitting that he got bugged out by Karen’s filthy apartment.  This is kind of hard to process and react to because there are sort of a lot of wires being crossed at once.  First of all there’s the obvious problem of Danny being a secret gay Dad, which we just acknowledged is a ways away from really being dealt with, so let’s move on.  Next is the smaller and more immediate problem that Danny has been avoiding dating (which, again, probably relates to the fact that he’s got a hankerin’ for a big wiener in his ass that he just wont recognize) and coming up with a string of lame, Seinfeld-esque excuses for what’s been going wrong.  The problem with linking that scenario up with this particular instance is that compulsive cleanliness is one of Danny’s few character traits, so of course a dirty ass nasty apartment is a deal-breaker for him.  This episode is presenting two story elements here that don’t quite match up.  Either have Danny breaking off dates for arbitrary reasons or have him really like a woman with a messy apartment and not be able to deal with it.  Don’t have him break off dates for arbitrary reasons and then have him break a date for a reason that falls perfectly in line with his character.  That shit doesn’t even make any sense.

The Uncles tell Danny that he’s making a futile search for the perfect woman and Danny says that his dead wife, Pam, was perfect.  The Uncles remind Danny that it’s easy to idealize someone who’s dead and point out a bunch of Pam’s annoying character flaws.  Harsh!  They go on to point out that Danny’s afraid to be close to someone, and although they fail to recognize it as the product of repressed homosexuality, I have to believe that this experience brings them one step closer.

Danny goes back to Karen’s apartment to patch things up and discovers that she’s cleaned it up.  He apologizes for being a weirdo and they hug, which marks the beginning of a relationship that I doubt we’ll ever see or hear from again.

I have to admit that I kind of enjoyed this episode.  It still sucked and had major story flaws, but it also featured a nice mix of gloriously awful late 80’s trends that’s impossible to hate.  Maybe it’s because I’m desperate to find a cause to do anything other than hate this show, or maybe it’s because I get so darn high when I write these reviews, but whatever the reason, this episode was the least painful one so far.

Firsts:  Stephanie’s interest in dancing, I didn’t want to kill myself while watching an episode

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64 Responses to Season 3, Episode 15, Lust in the Dust”

  1. Jeannie says:

    In the episode “Baby Love” this actress played Rebecca’s sister. Using the same actors to play several different roles is one of those things that annoy me to no end about this show.

    Like

  2. DrBitz says:

    “I have to admit that I kind of enjoyed this episode.”

    It’s finally happened. I knew this day would come. He cracked…it’s time for an intervention!

    By the way, who brings home their dance teacher without telling anybody about it before hand? And why is the dance teacher visiting Stephanie’s home in the first place?

    Like

    • Melanie says:

      I think she was giving her a ride home? I’m just guessing though, I haven’t watched this episode in years.

      Like

  3. carrick says:

    Ohhh you get high while you write these? (I assume on a substance–not on the show itself.) And so I hope that means you also watch the episodes in said state. I know, I must be the only one naive enough not to have just assumed that, but now this makes sooo much more sense. I mean, not that a totally sober person couldn’t or wouldn’t do this, but I imagine being non-sober makes this whole process a LOT more bearable.

    Then again, I can imagine it also going the other way: getting high only to have your buzz killed over and over again….

    Like

    • DJ Tanner's Diet says:

      I watch this show both sober and high. The show makes me laugh on purpose more when I’m high, but it also suffers when I space out and come back a few minutes later only to find something major and nonsensical has changed. This show really had it all

      Like

  4. Teebore says:

    I don’t have vague recollections of this episode (like I do some) but I think this might be one of your best write-ups yet.

    Stephanie replies, “because, your name’s DJ.” She says it like DJ’s a fucking idiot, too, making it the funniest joke in the history of Full House. Amping up this scenes ascension towards greatness, DJ puts on that now classic Bobby brown hit, “My Prerogative,” and Stephanie busts out the sweetest fucking dance routine you ever saw in your life.

    That does sound pretty awesome. I love the joke on DJ’s name.

    Jesus Christ, DJ, why don’t you just toss them a bottle of lube!?
    Alright, I almost did a spit take on that one.

    Danny is down for the plan but then as soon as he steps into her apartment he sees that it’s a big filthy shithole.

    Ah yes, anytime there’s a neat freak character on a sitcom, he or she will inevitably end up on a date that ends in someone’s messy apartment.

    Like

  5. Jenna Nicole says:

    I’ve been reading your blog for a while and I have to finally say thank you for this – I look forward to your reviews every week. I’ll throw in for a contribution with Pizza’s gift basket when you finish. Godspeed, you brave soul.

    Like

  6. Joan Crawford says:

    I have to admit that I kind of enjoyed this episode.

    It begins. We shall mark this date in the ledger.

    Like

  7. Audrey says:

    I’ll never forget how Danny folded a pair of socks behind Karen’s back whilst making out with her!

    Why are so many women willing to make out with these ugly, uncharismatic men??

    Like

    • Dalif says:

      Take a 20 min stroll around your local neighborhood – you’ll see it. It happens every day around the globe. Saddened as I am to admit it, if women or indeed men weren’t willing to make out with ugly, uncharacteristic people of the opposite (or same, I guess) gender, then there would be a lot less relationship and repopulating happening. While you might think this a positive development, I think this relationship/repopulating trend replaces a worse trend, namely that of repressed people going on rampages.

      Like

  8. PattyD says:

    Oh no. Stephanie’s dance career.

    In dreaded upcoming moments, we’ll have an episode where we see her perform to a supremely bad cover of Boys II Men’s “Motown Philly”. She wears a bedazzled hat, y’all. My sisters & I still mock that to this day.

    Like

  9. bri says:

    Also have to comment on you “actually enjoying this episode”… you’re losing it, man. And now I’m downloading the episode myself just to see if it’s actually tolerable. I kinda hate you now.

    Like

    • billysuperstar says:

      i was desperate! don’t hold it against me!

      Liked by 1 person

      • manos says:

        He’s not losing it, he’s being honest. in an endless sea of shit, this episode is the shit covered beacon that gave him the strength to keep going…. and it is FAR better than most f.h. episodes. I’m glad you’ve had a break of the typically useless unentertaining full house garbage you usually have to sit through. keep up the good work.

        Like

      • Sid says:

        Please don’t say f.h.

        Like

  10. RebeccaDonaldsonIsOvulating says:

    What were some of Pam’s obnoxious traits? I have so thoroughly been sucked into the Full House Hole, that I am actually curious enough to post.

    Like

  11. furburger says:

    “It’s always so disappointing to me that physical abuse isn’t among the many parenting flaws running rampant in the Tanner household. I bet she’d give those keys up pretty quick if Joey held her head underwater. ”

    goddammit. you deserve some kind of really rad award made from olsen skin and mr. bear fluff and tons of money.

    Like

  12. “Jesus Christ, DJ, why don’t you just toss them a bottle of lube!?”

    Holy fuck, I choked on the knockoff lucky charms I was eating when I read this. I am so unbelievably happy that this blog exists. Please, PLEASE don’t give up on this thing.

    As someone who has already seen every episode of this show, I can tell you that when Nicky and Alex show up it’s going to spiral downhill more quickly than you can imagine. But please see it through. I really want to read your analysis of the episode where Michelle takes Comet for a walk and he gets away.

    Like

  13. Jaime says:

    Fuck you. You made me youtube a video of Stephanie Tanner dance moves at 4 a.m. Damn it. I commend you sir.

    Like

  14. Chris says:

    I just discovered this today, and I’m already up to this post. I salute you, sir…this is amazing work, and I will happily read it to the bitter end.

    This episode sticks out for me because all my favorite colors exist in Stephanie’s glorious dance outfit. Yeah, I was between her and DJ’s age when the series aired, and yeah I was obsessed. Whatevs.

    Also, I totally left my keys in the door for hours one day, and after turning the house upside down, I checked outside because I remembered what happened to Jesse. Terrifying.

    Liked by 1 person

  15. Kent Wellington says:

    Hahaha I had a feeling getting blazed was a Technique you used to write this blog. I don’t understand how you could keep sane without the aide of MJ

    Like

  16. Lauren H says:

    This is the BEST episode write-up yet!! The analysis of Danny’s repressed homosexuality was brilliant. And you’re right, Stephanie’s dance was AMAZING. I can’t wait for your write-up on the episode where she chokes during one of her big routines!!

    Like

  17. Santanaonfire says:

    “DJ even lights a candle on their table before she splits. Jesus Christ, DJ, why don’t you just toss them a bottle of lube!?”

    LMFAO.

    Maybe this:
    “maybe it’s because I get so darn high when I write these reviews”
    explains this:
    “Joey can’t get work done on his new advertising campaign because the baby hid his tape recorder. Joey explains to her that he needs it for work but she just laughs at him and makes that little smug asshole smile that I hate so fucking much. It’s always so disappointing to me that physical abuse isn’t among the many parenting flaws running rampant in the Tanner household. I bet she’d give those keys up pretty quick if Joey held her head underwater. Anyway, DJ finds the tape recorder.”

    The keys don’t become an issue until later in the episode. My writing style was always write high, proof-read sober. Just a tip. 😉

    Keep “blazing” until the end!

    Like

  18. Jenna says:

    “Joey can’t get work done on his new advertising campaign because the baby hid his tape recorder. Joey explains to her that he needs it for work but she just laughs at him and makes that little smug asshole smile that I hate so fucking much. It’s always so disappointing to me that physical abuse isn’t among the many parenting flaws running rampant in the Tanner household. I bet she’d give those keys up pretty quick if Joey held her head underwater.”

    OMFG, I shit you not, I quite literally blew ginger ale out my nose reading that!! I’m in a LOT of pain, but the laughs are worth it!

    Like

  19. S says:

    Okay, maybe this gets pointed out later in the blog, I’ve only just found it and am starting from the beginning. But I was really curious about Stephanie’s dance so I youtubed that shit and what I found instead are so many composite videos of “The funniest Full House moments,” including minutes on end of Jesse saying “have mercy.” And hundreds of people are “liking” these videos, and saying that in order to have all the funniest moments the video would need to be ten hours long.

    I, I am just so, so sad right now. Like, it was bad enough people watched this in the early 90s, but for people today to still see this and instinctively think “Yes, this is comedy” is just so depressing. And not surprisingly, most of the commenters have the most atrocious grammar I’ve ever sen on youtube. They really are actual idiots.

    Like

  20. Andrea says:

    Okay, I know I’m late to the game. I’ve just recently started reading through every post from the beginning. Now, while doing this I laugh out loud often. Probably at least twice every article. But this one had me falling off my chair. So kudos that you are equally hilarious whether tearing an episode to shreds or even quasi-enjoying small moments. I’m determined to catch up to the latest postings. We have to finish this together!

    Like

  21. Nathaniel says:

    Hi, long time read (a week) first time comment. I just had to point out the the apartment this slut bag is living in is the same exact apt Steve, from later seasons lives in. So is this Steves mom, sister or just reuse of a set? I’m going for older sister. It would make Danny and DJ like in law siblings.

    Liked by 1 person

  22. Missi says:

    Here is one of those episodes where I remember one element and nothing else. I remember him kissing her and trying to ball up her socks behind her back while they were tonguing right? Is this the episode? I just remember him acting like a corny buttwipe over her messy house. I just saw a bunch of clothes! It isn’t like he walked into an episode of hoarders where he had to climb a mountain of cat carcasses and wild animal shit to sit down…. lighten up Danny….

    Liked by 1 person

  23. Barnes says:

    Soooo… I started reading this blog from the beginning yesterday. After listening to you talk about how Stephanie tore it up… HAD to Youtube it. White Girl got SKILLZ!!!

    Like

    • The Venerable Bede says:

      Oh my gosh, watch Michelle in the “broadway” part of that clip, and then ESPECIALLY watch her in the living room group dance–she’s horrible! WHY DO THEY EVEN LET HER BE IN THESE SCENES, SHE SUCKS SO HARD AT THEM.

      Like

  24. Sarah says:

    Loving this blog….although it is preventing me from getting a decent night’s sleep!! I can’t turn away! Anyway, anyone notice in that picture of the fam watching Stephanie’s horrific dance number that Joey has severe camel toe??? I know dudes normally have mooseknuckle but this is Joey y’all! Ain’t no moose in those skin tight Jordache jeans!!! Keep up the great work!

    Like

  25. SteveInSanDiego says:

    “Jesus Christ, DJ, why don’t you just toss them a bottle of lube!?”

    Glad I wasn’t in the middle of drinking coffee or you would owe me a keyboard!

    Like

  26. Dawn says:

    Discovered this site a month ago & have been reading the reviews along with the reruns on Nick. I can’t get enough! They play 3 eps in the morning & its part of my ritual to watch & read this blog. It’s safe to say that I’m addicted (weekends drive me nuts wen they don’t play them) I heat up my tea watch & read- I actually set my alarm so I won’t miss a show. It infuriates me when they skip an episode(I try finding them free online never works-im tempted to buy the series just to catch up) I love watching reading & seeing if Billy says what I’m thinking His way with words makes me pee my freakin pants & I actually find my self laughing out loud for real-Nothing better than a great laugh to start ur day!
    I just wanted to point one thing out that no one did Another show actually stole this bit & redid it (the whole messy apartment &not bein able to get it on) As I watched I knew I saw this before-wasn’t sure if I was just thinkin of this show I grew up on it-then it clicked FRIENDS! Ross had the same situation! I can’t believe anyone would steal from this show! All be it they made the apartment way nastier but poor Ross couldn’t seal the deal either & truth be told I think hes a little gay himself 3 failed marriages hangs out with two grown men There’s actually quite a few parallels between the characters-maybe I’m overthinkin it. Oh Well just wanted to point that out. Billy Never give up We need You! : )

    Like

  27. JohnMo says:

    Screen grab #3, Joey is sporting some MAJOR camel toe! (Not that I was looking.) What’s he packing (or not) in those jeans. Also, what was up with those high waisted jeans we had to wear back in the 80s & 90s anyway?

    Like

  28. Megan says:

    does Danny have Ocd? i was just wondering i mean everything has to be clean and i think they should have made his character have Ocd . i have ocd so im kinda like that and i have a shopping problem.

    Like

    • Allison says:

      Someone commented on an earlier post asking if Megan’s commentary is just satire…I’m leaning towards yes after seeing multiple comments like this one.

      Like

  29. alexisofallon says:

    I love all these recaps but this is the best so far – maybe because I’m on my second gin and tonic… Barnes – thanks for posting that clip it is fucking fantastic!!! I may be going to hell for wondering if Jodi Sweetin was on cocaine during some of those dance moves. Best line though, ” I bet she’d give those keys up pretty quick if Joey held her head underwater.” That – I would watch. I always assume Joey is torturing and murdering young girls anyway so we might as well see it on screen. It actually explains all the ass he gets because chicks love serial killers.

    Like

  30. matchbox920 says:

    This is, without a doubt, my favorite blog ever. I’ve only read up to this episode so far, and I’ve already lost track of how many times I have literally LOLd and cried from reading. I am SO looking forward to your recap of Jesse’s AWFUL music video. My choice for worst moment!

    Like

  31. BOTR says:

    Once again we find Full House touching upon its own repressed homosexuality, although I find this instance a little more hopeful than most.

    Would this repressed homosexuality also include the George Michael’s posters in DJ’s room?

    Like

  32. williec29 says:

    Oh the best line of this review is the one of Danny is hankerin for some big weiner in his anus….. I nearly blacked out

    Like

  33. Manuela says:

    Oh my, I just discovered this blog and I’m so happy I’m not the only one watching Full House in 2013. The difference is I really like the show, I cry while watching it and I’m 22 yers old. I guess I’m just dying to be a mom or something, but the point is I’m on season 3 and I won’t stop watching till the end. Judge me now, Billy.

    Like

  34. quickdrawmcnevermiss says:

    spoiler alert mentioning getting the keys by waterboarding that baby. at that point in the review we didn’t know that those were missing! and did she mention anything about the missing grandma’s, golden retrievers or non rebecca donaldson love interests that have gone missing? did they look under the couch? that puppy can’t be expected to fend for himself.

    Like

  35. John Q says:

    Spot-on about the boy who cried wolf moral and the people actually apologize to the boy and there’s no lesson learned. It seems like they do with Michelle all the time.

    I love how Jesse and Joey only have actual advertising jobs when it’s convenient to the plot. In this case they had to have a reason why Joey was looking for his tape recorder. Also did they ever explain why Dave Coulier started wearing a beret in this season?

    The best part was that crappy lunch they all sat down to eat. There was nothing to drink on that table and all they had to eat were these lame-ass turkey sandwiches on wonder-bread.

    And seriously WTF? Danny sits down next to the woman and they just start making out about 10-20 seconds later?? This show has the fastest relationship beginnings that I’ve ever seen on t.v. And then because there’s absolutely no continuity on this show we will totally forget about this woman next week and she’ll disappear and they’ll never reference her again.

    LOL, I love how Danny just leaves the full house without telling anyone that he left or where he was going. The adults on this show just come and go as they please irregardless if anyone is taking care of the children.

    And what kind of woman would invite a man she’s interested into her apartment for the first time on a first date when she knows full well that it looks like a pig sty?

    And the “Danny makes excuses” to “Danny actually has a legitimate problem with these woman” makes no sense from a story standpoint.

    And where’s Becky did she disappear again? I though she and Jesse were supposed to be in Nebraska as per the previous show’s massive argument?

    Like

  36. Austin says:

    I was born in 1990. I’ve heard the name Milli Vanilli floating around on the internet, but I have no idea who he/she/they is/are. I’m assuming it was a bad mixture between hip hop and soft rock based on how awful of a name it chose.

    Like

  37. LORIMAR-Telepictures says:

    You can’t blame Danny for this one. A person who is beyond messy is beyond help. I understand that not everyone can afford to shell out $0.25 to pay the stowaway to clean the place, but come on lady.

    I was at a fetish club three weeks ago in New Hampshire (my first time) and I’m kickin’ it with this chica who likes to tie up men and I overlooked the fact that she worked at Subway (women who cook gym mat sammiches don’t normally do it for me). I was even able to overlook the fact that her apartment was a trailer. What I couldn’t overlook was when she told me that he had a two year old son who she didn’t want to take care of and had her trailer trash boyfriend to watch over him.

    You have to draw the line somewhere gangereno.

    Like

  38. I can’t stop laughing at that screencap of Danny “dancing”.

    Like

  39. CanOx says:

    Damn that hot broad is 56 now?!?!?!

    Like

  40. Mr Malatesticle says:

    In the first screen cap of everyone watching Stephanie’s dancing, Joey looks like he’s letting off a fart.

    Like

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