Season 3, Episode 17, “13 Candles”

Pre-Credits Gag:  DJ sets her alarm clock for 3:47 AM so she can be awake for the exact moment that she becomes 13 years old.  Stephanie is unwillingly woken up for this occasion as well, and then she’s forced to listen to a bunch of bullshit about how rad it is to be a teenager.  The best part is when DJ talks about the awesome birthday party she’s gonna have and makes a big point about telling Stephanie that she’s not invited.  Dang, she really just woke her up and told her she couldn’t come to her party?  Harsh.  This is one of those rare pre-credits gags that actually ties into the plot of the episode.  I don’t know why they’re usually throw-away gags but then sometimes they set up the entire premise of the episode.  It’s also the first time ever that the pre-credits gag wasn’t centered around Michelle in some way.  She doesn’t even appear in this one.  I wouldn’t have put it past them to have her suddenly walk into the room and spout a catch-phrase or something.  Thank goodness for small favors.

This episode doesn’t fuck around for two seconds: the credits open with DJ’s party in full swing.  Bobby Brown’s, “My Prerogative” is bumpin in the background (they actually used that song a few episodes ago.  I bet it was cheaper to play it twice than to get a new song.  I guess it is possible, though, that “My Prerogative” is awesome enough to bring back just for the sheer presence of it.  Even just hearing it in the background of this scene, I couldn’t help but hump my desk a little.), Kimmie Gibbler is getting macked on by this truck driver lookin kid named Jake Bitterman, and the outfits!  Oh!  The Oufits!

I’m not even gonna bother with the hordes of vests and garish color patterns that fill up that living room, but I will take a minute to talk shit about DJ’s gear.  I guess she wanted to wear something that communicated her love of horseback riding, but it sort of conflicted with her half-hearted affliction for Prince.  I don’t know, I’m not really a guy that knows a lot about fashion, but I do know for sure that tassels aint happening.  Not now, not ever.

Anyway, Kimme Gibbler makes a big deal about how this kid names Kevin’s coming over and he and DJ are gonna get it on.  Naturally, he arrives at that very minute and has a few stilted interactions with DJ while Kimme Gibbler makes unsubtle suggestions about the two of them fucking.

In the kitchen, Stephanie conspires to use Michelle to spy on DJ’s party.  Michelle is sent into the party with a polaroid camera but only manages to photograph the ceiling.  DJ bitches to Danny about Stephanie rolling up on her scene and then Stephanie actually tells her, “don’t have a cow.”  Damn, these writers are too lazy to even use their own catch phrases.  So, anyway, this scene pretty much sets everyone’s scenario for the rest of the episode, as all the member of the full house converge in the kitchen and deliver some exposition about what they’re up to.  Joey’s going to get Stephanie out of the house by taking her to a Daffy Duck film festival.  This causes Joey to do his Daffy Duck impression, which involves him spitting right in Jesse’s face, repeatedly.  Oddly enough, Jesse doesn’t even get mad about it.  I guess living with Joey in that fucking house for three years would really wear a man down, so much so that he could just spit in your face and it wouldn’t even phase you.  I mean, really, how much worse is that then listening to him talk like fucking Bullwinkle all the time?

What was I even talking about?  Oh, right, so Danny is gonna be upstairs working on Wake Up, San Francisco with Rebecca Donaldson and he agrees to stay out of the party as long as there isn’t any funny business.  I guess Jesse’s just gonna sit around and eat fried chicken.  Anyway, the family get up DJ’s ass to let them check out her party so she agrees to let them come in and say hi just as long as they get the fuck out of there immediately afterward.  The family manage to say hello quickly and exit with minimal embarrassment, except for Stephanie who sneaks into the party and gets all up in Kevin’s face about whether or not he’s gonna bang her sister.

Jesse finds Michelle in her room dancing with a stuffed Bugs Bunny that’s approximately the same size as her, which is a pretty disturbing image to say the least.  He talks with Michelle for a minute and then the dog rolls in and Jesse gets all irritated with him.  Jesse tries to assert his domination over Comet by ordering him to sit but the dog pays him no mind.  Michelle gives the same order and the dog complies and then she tells Jesse that the dog will do what you ask just as long as you don’t act like a big fucking asshole about it.

Kimmie Gibbler tries to help hook DJ up with Kevin but, as we’ve seen many times before, DJ has zero game.  Kimme Gibbler enlists Kathy Santoni to cook up a scheme to get them together and pretty soon the whole party is involved in their plan.  I’ve gotta say, if there’s one primary piece of evidence about how totally pathetic my ongoing acquisition of an encyclopedic knowledge of Full House is, it’s gotta be my recognition of DJ and Kimmie Gibbler’s quick-to-develop classmate, Kathy Santoni.  She’s been on screen once before and mentioned a few times outside of that, but I sure as shit know who she is.  And I must tell you, it makes me feel ashamed.

Danny and Rebecca Donaldson practice the Tango for an upcoming segment on Wake Up, San Francisco.  Danny asks if the segment is really necessary and points out that it will lead to him making a total fool of himself, but Rebecca Donaldson replies, “that’s why we have to have it,” which brings us the most definite confirmation so far that the whole point of Wake Up, San Francisco is to showcase what a complete dipshit Danny Tanner is.  They dance for about 2 seconds before he steps on her foot and then Jesse cuts in, saying, “por favor?,” to which Danny replies, “El Pollo Loco.”  Damn, did they really bring that fucking joke back?  You might remember Danny making that same remark to a Spanish teacher some time ago while he was courting her, and it was just as offensive then as it is now.  Actually, it’s more offensive this time because they actually thought it was clever enough to bring back.  This time I’m not only offended by Danny’s willful ignorance towards Hispanic culture, I’m also offended that the shows creators thought I wanted to hear that shit again.  Anyway, Jesse and Rebecca do a choreographed Tango even though it totally infringes on Danny’s rehearsal time, and then Jesse says, “tiene mercy,” which is pretty lame but a hell of a lot better than, “El Pollo Loco,” even with flawed conjugation and one word not translated.

Joey enters the scene just as Jesse and Rebecca Donaldson finish dancing and spits in Jesse’s face a few more times.  Danny realizes that he can hear everything that’s going on at DJ’s party by listening through the fireplace and then he and the uncles nonchalantly invade DJ’s privacy.

They quickly discover that the kids are playing spin the bottle and decide to break it up, but then Rebecca Donaldson advises them against humiliating DJ at her first teenager party.  They decide that she’s right and compromise by cooking up lame excuses to disturb them without making it look like they know what’s going on.  Before they head down, Jesse finally spits back in Joey’s face.  Justice!

Kimmie Gibbler is the first to spin the bottle, which inevitably points towards Jake Bitterman because he’s the only boy besides Kevin who even has a name.  The two hesitantly share a brief granny smooch and then immediately decide that they are in love.  Kevin is coerced into going next (again, who the fuck else was it gonna be?) and when he spins everyone gets up except DJ so it lands on her by default.  What a brilliant and inconspicuous scheme these kids have come up with!  All the kids pressure DJ and Kevin to kiss while everyone stands around staring at them (you think DJ would be prepared for this, what with all the standing around and staring at Uncle Jesse making out that everyone in her family does) and there’s so much tension that a commercial break comes on.

Kevin and DJ stand there looking uncomfortable until all the Dad’s roll up on their party with popcorn and snacks and shit.  Kevin quickly tells DJ that he has to go home and then DJ gets all pissed at Kimmie Gibbler.  Whatever, DJ, Kimmie Gibbler’s like the best wing-man I ever saw in my life.  It’s not her fault that DJ can’t seal a deal that’s been completely set up for her.

Not content just to blame Kimmie Gibbler for her inability to score, DJ storms into the kitchen and talks a bunch of shit to all the Dad’s.  Proving the new found maturity that comes with reaching her teen years, DJ yells and cries and storms off to her room.  The Dad’s all stand around feeling like assholes and then Rebecca Donaldson comes in agrees to talk to DJ since those three fucks don’t know shit.  So, here we go again, the ol’, “let Rebecca Donaldson offer a female perspective because she’s the only woman on the show” routine.

DJ sits in her room and pouts like a big fucking baby and then Rebecca Donaldson comes in to validate her ridiculous emotions.  DJ explains her confusion over wanting to kiss Kevin but feeling weird about being pressured into it while everyone watched (further proof that DJ will have no fun in college) and then Rebecca tells her that your first kiss is special.  She tells the story of how scared she was during her first kiss, which is so corny and boring that it causes the music to come on.  She tells DJ to wait for the right time to have her first kiss, and that she’ll know when that is by listening to her heart.  DJ says that she’s grateful that she has Rebecca Donaldson to talk to about this kind of shit because the Dad’s all have their heads so far up their asses, but Rebecca Donaldson tells her to remember that they mean well even though they’re complete fucking morons.  DJ agrees to go back to her party and gives Rebecca Donaldson a little smooch on the cheek, and then she quips, “why couldn’t I just do that to Kevin,” which is a pretty uncomfortable joke if you ask me.

DJ says goodbye to all her guests as her party wraps up and manages to clear the air with Kimmie Gibbler before she leaves to go get finger banged in a public park by Jake Bitterman.  After everyone’s gone, DJ goes into the kitchen to clear things up with the Dad’s and then there’s a knock at the back door.  I don’t know how the fuck Kevin got in the back yard but somehow he did because he came up with some lame excuse to come back so he could mack on DJ some more.  He clarifies that he wasn’t the one who masterminded the spin the bottle conspiracy and then DJ tells him not to worry about it and walks him out.  Right before he leaves they give each other a big sloppy tongue kiss and then he rides off on his bike while DJ hoots and hollers with joy.

Seriously, what the fuck is she wearing?

Firsts:  Michelle not featured in the pre-credits gag, Kevin, Jake Bitterman, DJ gets some action

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53 Responses to Season 3, Episode 17, “13 Candles”

  1. Teebore says:

    Another episode I sadly remember almost beat for beat, right down to DJ’s horrid clothes and Kimmy Gibbler being awesome.

    Michelle gives the same order and the dog complies and then she tells Jesse that the dog will do what you ask just as long as you don’t act like a big fucking asshole about it

    Is that the shortest and most inane subplot for Jesse yet?

    Kimme Gibbler enlists Kathy Santoni to cook up a scheme to get them together

    Kathy Santoni, you minx! She’s like the Heidi Fleiss of DJ’s social circle at this point.

    when he spins everyone gets up except DJ so it lands on her by default

    These party guest are surprisingly committed to the idea of DJ and Kevin getting it on. You’d think there’d be at least one other kid who’s like “screw the plan, I want my shot at DJ”.

    Whatever, DJ, Kimmie Gibbler’s like the best wing-man I ever saw in my life

    Seriously. Way to be ungrateful for your best friend’s awesome birthday gift.

    So, here we go again, the ol’, “let Rebecca Donaldson offer a female perspective because she’s the only woman on the show” routine.

    Is it that, or is it just that Rebecca Donaldson is the only character on the show shown, thus far, to be capable of dealing with a situation in a realistic, non-asinine manner? Maybe it has less to do with her being a woman and more the fact that all the other adults are buffoons?

    Like

  2. DrBitz says:

    I like how there’s all this drama about a rather tame version of spin the bottle. Obviously the Full House hasn’t heard of rainbow parties. Now that’s something the parents should be worrying about.

    Like

  3. carrick says:

    “She tells the story of how scared she was during her first kiss, which is so corny and boring that it causes the music to come on.”

    LOL

    Like

  4. PattyD says:

    I love your critique of DJ’s outfit- I literally laughed out loud. It’s also worth mentioning that DJ’s love interest is rocking a serious Cosby sweater.

    Stephanie’s stolen catch phrase made me realize that there has not been a mention of “pin a rose on your nose” in these reviews. Has she not yet said it? That phrase especially makes my mom crazy; I think of all the characters in all of the shows I watched as a child, Stephanie Tanner is the only one that my mother would have punched in the face if given the opportunity. Much like your passionate hatred of Joey, she utterly abhorred that child.

    I also think that “My Prerogative” has appeared twice in the series because it really speaks to the Tanners… “I don’t need permission/ Make my own decisions/ It’s my prerogative” (That’s from straight up memory of Bobby Brown songs, you guys. Don’t make me do the dance to “Every Little Step”.) I don’t know why this song isn’t the theme because prerogative is defined as “a right or privilege exclusive to a particular individual or class”, and Lord knows these fools think they deserve special rights & attention from everyone else in the free world.

    Man, I could comment of these summaries forever… Surely someone out there in the real world has written a thesis or something about the serious psychological and social problems apparent in this show. It’s awful, truly awful.

    Like

    • erin says:

      “Surely someone out there in the real world has written a thesis or something about the serious psychological and social problems apparent in this show.”

      GRAD SCHOOL STUDENTS — get on it.

      “I think of all the characters in all of the shows I watched as a child, Stephanie Tanner is the only one that my mother would have punched in the face if given the opportunity. Much like your passionate hatred of Joey, she utterly abhorred that child.”

      My mother had a deep revulsion for Bob Saget and tried her hardest to shelter her children from this show. Why did we not heed her sage advice??!

      Like

    • Jay says:

      She actually says “pin a rose on your nose” to DJ during the groundbreaking Michelle-less pre-credits gag. I have a feeling this isn’t the first time, considering this episode has the entire Stephanie catchphrase trifecta of “don’t have a cow” and “how rude!” DJ actually cuts her off and finishes that last one for her, which would almost make me think the writers are aware they should quit relying on this horrible gag, but we all know that’s giving them way too much credit.

      Like

  5. Scott says:

    Give or take a few months, I was about the same age as DJ Tanner when this episode would have originally aired. While I might not have lived in the progressive city of San Francisco (home of both rice-a-roni and the handlebar mustache), I can say in all confidence that this program in no way reflected the fashion stylings of that particular time period. There’s a very good chance that the 13 year old me would have lost considerable interest in the fairer sex had they been sporting these threads consistently. I don’t even think Kimmie Gibler could come strong in a gettup like DJ’s.

    Like

  6. I remember the 3:47 alarm! Probably because I was so excited to become a teenager. “Life will be so much easier,” I thought.

    Like

    • Zozo says:

      I remember this episode very clearly. Also, Billysuperstar didn’t mention the fact that DJ told Stephanie: “I’m officially 13 now” and talks about how mature and grown up she is now. Which is immediately followed by DJ’s scream: “I’m thirrrrteeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeen!” Nice screenshot of it by the way.

      Like

  7. MissCapulet says:

    I was first told about this website a week ago.
    This may be the greatest thing that’s ever happened to me. Or maybe it’s ruined my life. I’m so terribly confused.

    I’ve spent most of my free time (by that I mean working hours) reading this blog. I dread catching up.

    Like

  8. Lisa says:

    MissCapulet said exactly what I was thinking.
    I am having more fun at work than I have in years!

    Like

  9. manos says:

    “I’ve gotta say, if there’s one primary piece of evidence about how totally pathetic my ongoing acquisition of an encyclopedic knowledge of Full House is, it’s gotta be my recognition of DJ and Kimmie Gibbler’s quick-to-develop classmate, Kathy Santoni. She’s been on screen once before and mentioned a few times outside of that, but I sure as shit know who she is. And I must tell you, it makes me feel ashamed.”

    Nothing to be ashamed about. She’s pretty. Sure, she’s young as hell in these episodes, but there’s nothing wrong with a man noticing a nicely developed chick. Just because she may be too young doesn’t mean she “looks” too young, and not a damned thing wrong with looking at a girl. Its not like you’re plotting to rape her or anything. its natural, all men notice a hot teen girl. that’s why its called “jailbait”.

    Like

  10. Kent Wellington says:

    Is your admiration of kimmy gibbler sarcasm or the real deal. Cause I think she’s out DJs best friend league and they will have a falling out once kimmy realizes how legit she is and how obnoxious DJ and her entire family are. Plus Danny and the other dads always kick her out in the rudest ways from what I remember. And I only remembered because my sisters’s favorite form of torture was to put this bullshit show on or totally go into crazy bitch mode until she got her way. From this i can see how show’s lessons did transfer over to many youths at the time

    Like

  11. Mumu says:

    Tiene mercy is acceptable conjugation. It’s the formal “you”.

    Ive never understood that phrase though. Who exactly does he want to have mercy? Himself, Rebecca Donaldson, God?

    Like

    • erin says:

      I had no memory of that catchphrase, and so in order to more fully explore the rich fictional tapestry that is Full House while reading these recaps, I forced myself to watch some of an Uncle Jesse “Have Mercy” megacut, and… so underwhelming. I don’t understand what he’s supposed to mean by it, and I don’t think John Stamos ever figured it out either.

      Like

    • Alice says:

      actually since it’s in the imperative mood or tense, it should be either “ten” (informal) or “tenga” (formal).

      Like

    • trlkly says:

      re: meaning of “Have mercy!”

      It’s hard to explain. It basically means “Don’t keep tempting me,” but in a sexual context. It can apply to God or to the lady question.

      But it’s also sarcastic, as he doesn’t actually want anyone to stop. He’s saying it because he’s enjoying himself.

      Like

  12. Lisa says:

    To me, Bitterman looked like he always smelled of Cheese Doodles.

    Like

    • rmc says:

      I’m thinking more along the lines of stale cigarettes and bitter failure. The smell of growing up with, instead of a father, a parade of “uncles” and “mom’s special friends”, and ultimately doing the same thing to his own son years down the line.

      Like

  13. PuppetDoctor says:

    My dentist has that exact same Bugs Bunny in his window. Even after renovating the office a few years ago he still kept that Bugs Bunny doll.

    What has always bothered me about this show is that DJ is a year younger than in real life. In 1990 Candace would have been turning 14 but in the show she turns 13. All the other girls are actually the same age in real life as they are in the show.

    Like

  14. Lisa says:

    I saw an interview where Candace said that her first kiss in real life was her first kiss on the show. I wonder if that excitement at the end when he kissed her was just DJ being excited or if it was Candace being excited as well.

    Like

  15. michmich says:

    Why does Kimmie put up with that BS? Kimmy is indeed the best wing-man ever, and you know she’s got game scoring some alone time with Jake Bitterman and his bad ass mullet

    Like

  16. Sarah Portland says:

    Oh, creepy. In screen shot #4, does Joey have the same profile as Mac Tonight, the McDonald’s Moon mascot?

    Like

  17. Alice says:

    idk if this has been addressed but if DJ is turning 13 and Danny turned 30 in season one (so at most he’s like 33) he knocked up their mom when he was maybe 19/20? I guess that’s why they eloped. But then since Jesse turned 26 this season (I think?) he was at most 24 at the start of the show so he beat up young adult Danny as a young teen. DJ was getting her first kiss at 13 and Jesse was beating up her dad at that same age. That is… hilarious. I thought Jesse was just driving off buildings and popping wheelies on his motorcycle while eating fried foods and using too much product in his mullet during his wild days but I guess there’s even more to this rich character.

    Like

  18. The Venerable Bede says:

    I can’t believe no one’s commented on this yet: “her half-hearted affliction for Prince”

    Was that supposed to say “affection”? If so, it was a genius mistake. If it wasn’t a typo, then you’re just a genius.

    Like

  19. Kenny says:

    DJ: I cant wait to be 13 ! ( smiles that dorky ass smile)

    Michelle comes in : You got it dud….. DJ and Stephanie yell: shut the fuck up leprecaun! 😛

    Michelle shits pants runs off crying DJ and Stephanie smile like psychotic lunatics and go back to sleep.

    Like

  20. Kenny says:

    She tells the story of how scared she was during her first kiss, which is so corny and boring that it causes the music to come on.

    LMAO

    I loved Kimmy I remember this episode and how she and the guy she kissed automatically at the same time said WHOA BABY!

    Like

  21. Ella Stern says:

    My first kiss was oddly at a party, too. Not mine, not his, but it was at his house. And it wasn’t sloppy, thank god, haha.

    Like

  22. Megan says:

    so she was 13 when she got her 1st kiss? i never really been kissed not even at the age of 13

    Like

  23. Cool beans says:

    You know, I just realized that Michelle was hardly in this besides with the camera and the dog (FYI I was talking about Jesse not comet )

    Like

  24. Megan says:

    i never got kissesd at 13 hell i never even been kissed.

    Like

  25. Brandi says:

    I thought there was an earlier episode that didn’t have Michelle in the pre-credit crap. The one with DJ and Kimmie and the puppies?

    Or did Michelle show up there and I missed it?

    Like

  26. Ian says:

    I thought it interesting that Kathy Santoni was not only more developed than the other time we saw her, but she was also played by another actress.

    Other episodes, the character was played by AnneMarie McEvoy, but in this one, she was played by Megan Berwick, best known for playing ZZ Ziff on the summer camp-themed Nick show Salute Your Shorts.

    Like

    • LORIMAR-Telepictures says:

      Megan Berwick actually now works for the US State Department and after the January 2010 Haiti Earthquake, she help to coordinate the cleanup and recovery efforts.

      Like

  27. Zeniyah says:

    You and your family is awesome i watch full house everyday I love you
    And your family

    To:full house
    From:zeniyah

    Like

  28. Ella Stern says:

    DJ says goodbye to all her guests as her party wraps up and manages to clear the air with Kimmie Gibbler before she leaves to go get finger banged in a public park by Jake Bitterman.

    WHAT?! BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

    Like

  29. Lisa says:

    I dunno, even as a kid, I kind of found it a little disturbing, all this emphasis on getting these two kids to kiss, especially given that Kevin looks about eight. (Was the bottle being spun a sippy cup?) I still feel like telling them to play Chutes and Ladders instead.

    Like

  30. kt says:

    I’m kinda shocked that such a wholesome show like Full House had a plot for 13 year old kids to kiss. It plays out like DJ isn’t going to kiss him after having her talk with Becky because she’s just not ready. Then bam, at the very end they kiss. It wasn’t a big deal or anything I just was always surprised.

    Like

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