Season 3, Episode 17, “13 Candles”

Pre-Credits Gag:  DJ sets her alarm clock for 3:47 AM so she can be awake for the exact moment that she becomes 13 years old.  Stephanie is unwillingly woken up for this occasion as well, and then she’s forced to listen to a bunch of bullshit about how rad it is to be a teenager.  The best part is when DJ talks about the awesome birthday party she’s gonna have and makes a big point about telling Stephanie that she’s not invited.  Dang, she really just woke her up and told her she couldn’t come to her party?  Harsh.  This is one of those rare pre-credits gags that actually ties into the plot of the episode.  I don’t know why they’re usually throw-away gags but then sometimes they set up the entire premise of the episode.  It’s also the first time ever that the pre-credits gag wasn’t centered around Michelle in some way.  She doesn’t even appear in this one.  I wouldn’t have put it past them to have her suddenly walk into the room and spout a catch-phrase or something.  Thank goodness for small favors.

This episode doesn’t fuck around for two seconds: the credits open with DJ’s party in full swing.  Bobby Brown’s, “My Prerogative” is bumpin in the background (they actually used that song a few episodes ago.  I bet it was cheaper to play it twice than to get a new song.  I guess it is possible, though, that “My Prerogative” is awesome enough to bring back just for the sheer presence of it.  Even just hearing it in the background of this scene, I couldn’t help but hump my desk a little.), Kimmie Gibbler is getting macked on by this truck driver lookin kid named Jake Bitterman, and the outfits!  Oh!  The Oufits!

I’m not even gonna bother with the hordes of vests and garish color patterns that fill up that living room, but I will take a minute to talk shit about DJ’s gear.  I guess she wanted to wear something that communicated her love of horseback riding, but it sort of conflicted with her half-hearted affliction for Prince.  I don’t know, I’m not really a guy that knows a lot about fashion, but I do know for sure that tassels aint happening.  Not now, not ever.

Anyway, Kimme Gibbler makes a big deal about how this kid names Kevin’s coming over and he and DJ are gonna get it on.  Naturally, he arrives at that very minute and has a few stilted interactions with DJ while Kimme Gibbler makes unsubtle suggestions about the two of them fucking.

In the kitchen, Stephanie conspires to use Michelle to spy on DJ’s party.  Michelle is sent into the party with a polaroid camera but only manages to photograph the ceiling.  DJ bitches to Danny about Stephanie rolling up on her scene and then Stephanie actually tells her, “don’t have a cow.”  Damn, these writers are too lazy to even use their own catch phrases.  So, anyway, this scene pretty much sets everyone’s scenario for the rest of the episode, as all the member of the full house converge in the kitchen and deliver some exposition about what they’re up to.  Joey’s going to get Stephanie out of the house by taking her to a Daffy Duck film festival.  This causes Joey to do his Daffy Duck impression, which involves him spitting right in Jesse’s face, repeatedly.  Oddly enough, Jesse doesn’t even get mad about it.  I guess living with Joey in that fucking house for three years would really wear a man down, so much so that he could just spit in your face and it wouldn’t even phase you.  I mean, really, how much worse is that then listening to him talk like fucking Bullwinkle all the time?

What was I even talking about?  Oh, right, so Danny is gonna be upstairs working on Wake Up, San Francisco with Rebecca Donaldson and he agrees to stay out of the party as long as there isn’t any funny business.  I guess Jesse’s just gonna sit around and eat fried chicken.  Anyway, the family get up DJ’s ass to let them check out her party so she agrees to let them come in and say hi just as long as they get the fuck out of there immediately afterward.  The family manage to say hello quickly and exit with minimal embarrassment, except for Stephanie who sneaks into the party and gets all up in Kevin’s face about whether or not he’s gonna bang her sister.

Jesse finds Michelle in her room dancing with a stuffed Bugs Bunny that’s approximately the same size as her, which is a pretty disturbing image to say the least.  He talks with Michelle for a minute and then the dog rolls in and Jesse gets all irritated with him.  Jesse tries to assert his domination over Comet by ordering him to sit but the dog pays him no mind.  Michelle gives the same order and the dog complies and then she tells Jesse that the dog will do what you ask just as long as you don’t act like a big fucking asshole about it.

Kimmie Gibbler tries to help hook DJ up with Kevin but, as we’ve seen many times before, DJ has zero game.  Kimme Gibbler enlists Kathy Santoni to cook up a scheme to get them together and pretty soon the whole party is involved in their plan.  I’ve gotta say, if there’s one primary piece of evidence about how totally pathetic my ongoing acquisition of an encyclopedic knowledge of Full House is, it’s gotta be my recognition of DJ and Kimmie Gibbler’s quick-to-develop classmate, Kathy Santoni.  She’s been on screen once before and mentioned a few times outside of that, but I sure as shit know who she is.  And I must tell you, it makes me feel ashamed.

Danny and Rebecca Donaldson practice the Tango for an upcoming segment on Wake Up, San Francisco.  Danny asks if the segment is really necessary and points out that it will lead to him making a total fool of himself, but Rebecca Donaldson replies, “that’s why we have to have it,” which brings us the most definite confirmation so far that the whole point of Wake Up, San Francisco is to showcase what a complete dipshit Danny Tanner is.  They dance for about 2 seconds before he steps on her foot and then Jesse cuts in, saying, “por favor?,” to which Danny replies, “El Pollo Loco.”  Damn, did they really bring that fucking joke back?  You might remember Danny making that same remark to a Spanish teacher some time ago while he was courting her, and it was just as offensive then as it is now.  Actually, it’s more offensive this time because they actually thought it was clever enough to bring back.  This time I’m not only offended by Danny’s willful ignorance towards Hispanic culture, I’m also offended that the shows creators thought I wanted to hear that shit again.  Anyway, Jesse and Rebecca do a choreographed Tango even though it totally infringes on Danny’s rehearsal time, and then Jesse says, “tiene mercy,” which is pretty lame but a hell of a lot better than, “El Pollo Loco,” even with flawed conjugation and one word not translated.

Joey enters the scene just as Jesse and Rebecca Donaldson finish dancing and spits in Jesse’s face a few more times.  Danny realizes that he can hear everything that’s going on at DJ’s party by listening through the fireplace and then he and the uncles nonchalantly invade DJ’s privacy.

They quickly discover that the kids are playing spin the bottle and decide to break it up, but then Rebecca Donaldson advises them against humiliating DJ at her first teenager party.  They decide that she’s right and compromise by cooking up lame excuses to disturb them without making it look like they know what’s going on.  Before they head down, Jesse finally spits back in Joey’s face.  Justice!

Kimmie Gibbler is the first to spin the bottle, which inevitably points towards Jake Bitterman because he’s the only boy besides Kevin who even has a name.  The two hesitantly share a brief granny smooch and then immediately decide that they are in love.  Kevin is coerced into going next (again, who the fuck else was it gonna be?) and when he spins everyone gets up except DJ so it lands on her by default.  What a brilliant and inconspicuous scheme these kids have come up with!  All the kids pressure DJ and Kevin to kiss while everyone stands around staring at them (you think DJ would be prepared for this, what with all the standing around and staring at Uncle Jesse making out that everyone in her family does) and there’s so much tension that a commercial break comes on.

Kevin and DJ stand there looking uncomfortable until all the Dad’s roll up on their party with popcorn and snacks and shit.  Kevin quickly tells DJ that he has to go home and then DJ gets all pissed at Kimmie Gibbler.  Whatever, DJ, Kimmie Gibbler’s like the best wing-man I ever saw in my life.  It’s not her fault that DJ can’t seal a deal that’s been completely set up for her.

Not content just to blame Kimmie Gibbler for her inability to score, DJ storms into the kitchen and talks a bunch of shit to all the Dad’s.  Proving the new found maturity that comes with reaching her teen years, DJ yells and cries and storms off to her room.  The Dad’s all stand around feeling like assholes and then Rebecca Donaldson comes in agrees to talk to DJ since those three fucks don’t know shit.  So, here we go again, the ol’, “let Rebecca Donaldson offer a female perspective because she’s the only woman on the show” routine.

DJ sits in her room and pouts like a big fucking baby and then Rebecca Donaldson comes in to validate her ridiculous emotions.  DJ explains her confusion over wanting to kiss Kevin but feeling weird about being pressured into it while everyone watched (further proof that DJ will have no fun in college) and then Rebecca tells her that your first kiss is special.  She tells the story of how scared she was during her first kiss, which is so corny and boring that it causes the music to come on.  She tells DJ to wait for the right time to have her first kiss, and that she’ll know when that is by listening to her heart.  DJ says that she’s grateful that she has Rebecca Donaldson to talk to about this kind of shit because the Dad’s all have their heads so far up their asses, but Rebecca Donaldson tells her to remember that they mean well even though they’re complete fucking morons.  DJ agrees to go back to her party and gives Rebecca Donaldson a little smooch on the cheek, and then she quips, “why couldn’t I just do that to Kevin,” which is a pretty uncomfortable joke if you ask me.

DJ says goodbye to all her guests as her party wraps up and manages to clear the air with Kimmie Gibbler before she leaves to go get finger banged in a public park by Jake Bitterman.  After everyone’s gone, DJ goes into the kitchen to clear things up with the Dad’s and then there’s a knock at the back door.  I don’t know how the fuck Kevin got in the back yard but somehow he did because he came up with some lame excuse to come back so he could mack on DJ some more.  He clarifies that he wasn’t the one who masterminded the spin the bottle conspiracy and then DJ tells him not to worry about it and walks him out.  Right before he leaves they give each other a big sloppy tongue kiss and then he rides off on his bike while DJ hoots and hollers with joy.

Seriously, what the fuck is she wearing?

Firsts:  Michelle not featured in the pre-credits gag, Kevin, Jake Bitterman, DJ gets some action