Season 3, Episode 18, “Mr. Egghead”

Pre-Credits Gag:  Danny lets Michelle record the full house’s answering machine message.  Didn’t you hate it when people would let their kids leave those confused sounding messages that were supposed to be cute?  That’s at least one reason why I’m glad that everyone uses cell phones now.

Stephanie interrupts Jesse’s guitar practice so he can help her prepare for her school picture day even though he was clearly in the middle of something and picture day’s a week away, so what’s the big fucking hurry?  Should I even bother to point out when these shitty kids interrupt the Dad’s anymore?  It’s pretty much the only way they ever engage them.  Jesse or Danny or whoever’s never just sitting around chillin’ out when the kids get up in their face, they’re always busy, every goddamn time.  And not once have any of them ever told the kids to back the fuck off them and wait until a more appropriate time, the always just immediately put down what they’re doing and give the kid their undivided attention, so you know that this behavior will never ever stop.  Anyway, Stephanie’s all anxious because she sneezed during last years class picture and all the kids called her “sneezeburger.”  This was a big source of misery for her, even though you’d think it wouldn’t be that big a deal since DJ calls her a “geekburger’” like every five minutes.  Why’s one burger so much worse than the other?  Anyway, Jesse begins photographing Stephanie in uncomfortably pin-up-esque poses until the baby (you guessed it) interrupts them and demands that she be photographed, too.

Danny and DJ enter the scene and tell everyone about how Danny got his first ever traffic ticket but he’s going to fight it in court with DJ as his witness.  Moments later, Joey comes home and tells everyone that Danny got him an on-the-air audition (whoever heard of such a thing?) to be the new Mr. Egghead, which is more or less a rip-off of Mr. Wizard.  It really pisses me off how all these fuckheads just have everything handed to them all the time.  Joey has done absolutely nothing to earn this audition besides living in Danny’s house for free and doing a terrible job or raising his children.  And while we’re at it, Danny doesn’t deserve to even have these connections because he totally sucks ass at his morning show host job.  All of these people should be living on the street.

Anyhow, DJ points out that Joey knows jack shit about science but Joey’s not worried because he lives a life of entitlement and being rewarded for his incompetence.  Joey decides that Jesse is going to play his sidekick (why Joey is allowed to choose his own sidekick is beyond me) but Jesse tells him to fuck off.  Incidentally, I can’t help but wonder how this Mr. Egghead gig might effect the Uncle’s advertising career and it seems pretty weird to me that neither of them considers this for even 2 seconds.  In any case, Joey bugs the shit out of Jesse until he finally agrees to play his sidekick after all.

Before they head to the courtroom, Danny tells DJ to wear all blue because it’s been psychologically proven that judges are more sympathetic towards people who wear that color.  What with all the manipulative behavior running rampant on this show, it’s kind of refreshing to see someone at least be open about it for a change.  Stephanie expresses her excitement to Danny about her picture day tomorrow, as well as the news that she and her classmates will be the audience for Joey’s Mr. Egghead recording.  Of course they will, who else could it possibly be?  Stephanie tells Danny that she thinks it’s rad that someone she knows will be on tv and when he reminds her that he’s on tv every day she says, “I know, but this is a show that people I know watch.”  Damn, Stephanie, way to diss the fuck out of your own Dad.  After she says it she just smiles and walks away, not giving a shit about Danny’s feelings.

Danny has DJ rehearse for their hearing and uses a magazine to swear her in.  He says, “please place your right hand on Fred Savage,” and she enthusiastically replies, “any time,” not knowing that Fred Savage will one day murder her in a tv movie (no foolin’, look it up).  During their rehearsal, Danny tells DJ to omit the detail about him dusting between the buttons on the radio while he was driving.  It’s about fucking time he taught those girls to keep their goddamn mouths shut about something, as demonstrated about 2 minutes earlier by Stephanie.  It’s not at all surprising to me that the only time he would have them practice any discretion whatsoever would be in order to accommodate his obsessive compulsive cleaning habit.

Joey’s Mr. Egghead taping falls in line with the tradition of Wake Up, San Francisco, in that it’s clearly unrehearsed and does little else than demonstrate the host’s gross incompetence.  Amidst a plethora of egg-related puns, Joey gives a talk about energy until he’s interrupted by audience member Duckface, (remember that guy?) who stumps Joey with a complex science inquiry.  Joey tactlessly tries to change the focus with a demonstration, and when it’s time to select an audience member to help him he picks Stephanie.  In one of those rare cases where the characters actually respond appropriately to a situation, Duckface points out that it’s total bullshit that Joey would pick his own niece for the demonstration and gets all the kids to chant “fix!”  Joey ignores their outrage and I’m glad he does because what comes next just about makes this whole grueling Full House review series worth it.

I don’t know how pulling a lever to release a giant boxing glove on a spring is supposed to be an apt demonstration for how energy works, but in this case I’m willing to let it go.  Stephanie tries to pull the lever but can’t so she decides to sing “Tomorrow” from Annie while Joey tries to get it to work.  And sure enough, just as she’s standing right in front of that big spring-loaded glove, Joey accidentally triggers it.

Now, don’t get me wrong here:  999 out of 1,000 times I would think that seeing a little girl get hit in the face would be absolutely awful.  But haven’t I earned the right to derive joy from this?  I’ve sat through these fucking kids obnoxious bullshit for over 60 episodes now, and I’ve actually stayed up late at night praying to Jesus Christ that a moment like this would occur.  It’s not as good as seeing Joey get stabbed with a knife, but it’s still a pretty sweet consolation prize.  Think of me what you will but I savored every millisecond of that shit.  Total catharsis.

Stephanie comes home from the hospital with a broken nose and Joey is wrought with guilt.  Stephanie actually seems pretty chipper about the whole scenario until she remembers that it’s gonna fuck up her class picture tomorrow.

Danny comes home with DJ and reports that they were able to beat the traffic ticket but while they were in court his car got towed because the meter ran out.  Oh, such sweet, sweet irony.  Joey admits to Danny that he broke Stephanie’s nose and reveals that he didn’t get the Mr. Egghead job, which is the first time ever on the show that someone’s gross incompetence has repercussions.

Stephanie decides to hide inside the full house instead of going to school on picture day. She goes into her room and discovers that Michelle has a regular routine of going through all her shit while she’s away even though there was just a whole episode about Michelle starting preschool so it really doesn’t make sense that she’d be home.  Besides, why would Stephanie ditch school and then hide in her own house if she didn’t want to get caught?  She should go down to Golden Gate park and drop acid or something instead.  Anyway, she sends Michelle downstairs to make her something to eat which leads to a really disgusting sequence of Michelle making a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with her bare hands.  I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again:  why is this child always running around unsupervised?

Eventually, Joey goes up to Stephanie’s room to clean up all the peanut butter and shit that the baby smeared all over everything (he saw her making the sandwich in the kitchen but neglected to intervene then, seemingly to serve the purpose of getting him up to Stephanie’s room) and quickly discovers Stephanie hiding in the closet.  She effectively manipulates Joey’s feeble mind into allowing her to stay home since he still feels all shitty about breaking her nose (she didn’t even have to wear a blue suit to pull it off) but then Jesse enters the scene and tells her to get her ass to school.  He then berates Joey for being such a fucking useless idiot and having no parenting skills whatsoever, which is actually pretty great.

When Jesse brings Stephanie to her classroom they’re surprised to find that Joey’s already there, which doesn’t really make any sense timing-wise.  Inexplicably, Joey managed to get to Stephanie’s class before her, with enough time left over to convince the entire class to take their group picture with fake novelty nose-and-glasses on.  What a brilliant fucking plan, and I’m sure the other kids’ parents will be just thrilled when they see the class picture that they’ve payed for.  Wouldn’t it have been better for everyone if they’d just let Stephanie stay home?  After the novelty glasses photo is taken they convince Stephanie to take part in a group photo sans glasses so the whole thing ends up being pretty pointless.  And that’s it.  That’s the end.

This episode is equally obnoxious and hackneyed to just about every episode so far, but it also had a sense of contempt towards the characters that I found delightfully refreshing.  I’m not saying that it wasn’t a big awful piece of shit, but we did get to see Joey get turned down for a job and Stephanie get hit in the face, so at least there were some parts that were actually worth watching.

Firsts:  a member of the full house is open about their manipulative behavior, a member of the full house’s gross incompetence is treated appropriately

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42 Responses to Season 3, Episode 18, “Mr. Egghead”

  1. DrBitz says:

    “Joey comes home and tells everyone that Danny got him an on-the-air audition (whoever heard of such a thing?)”

    You know, I’m a programmer, when a TV show screws up how computers work (by which I mean whenever anyone on TV ever uses a computer) I just shrug and say, whatever, they’re TV writers. What do TV writers know about computers?

    But shouldn’t the ONE thing TV writers get right is the TV business itself?

    Like

    • erin says:

      This endlessly frustrates me. Equally confounding is when films-within-films are produced with seemingly no concept of how filmmaking occurs (one of the most egregious examples is the Mark Hamill scene in Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back). It’s like… are you serious, guys? You’re making a movie right now, so you obviously know how this is supposed to work…

      Like

    • nyrB says:

      You have to bear in mind that the writers aren’t interested in being “right”. This is a sit-com, not a documentary. What they’re interested in is presenting a situation people will (hopefully) find humorous. If that means cooking up a “this would never happen in real life” on-the-air audition, then that’s what they’ll do. It’s called artistic license.

      Like

  2. KimanderEvil says:

    Wake Up, San Francisco has a remarkable budget for props, but spends nothing on talent. Someone has their priorities screwed up. You can’t just buy giant boxing gloves on springs that operate with a lever that sh*t is custom made.

    Like

  3. Joan Crawford says:

    She should go down to Golden Gate park and drop acid or something instead.

    I think Stefanie’s drug of choice turned out to be meth…

    Stefanie getting punched (while singing!) and an appearance by Duckface! Look at Stupid Joey as he watches Stefanie get smoked. Jesse was there before him and he wasn’t even as close to her. I like Jesse dressed up as the Wizard Valedictorian while he jams on the keys. Has Joey started in with that “Cut.It.Out” with the hand signals yet?

    Like

    • billysuperstar says:

      oh, yeah, “cut.it.out.” showed up a while ago. i marked it under firsts when it showed up but i cant for the life of me remember when that was. early 2nd season i think? it’s funny how even cataloging this crap doesnt help you remember it.

      Like

  4. Teebore says:

    You know, the whole “Mr. Egghead” thing is one of those random bits of Full House knowledge I remember in oddly vivid detail, but I could have sworn it lasted more than one episode; like, that Joey got the gig or something. I’m glad I was wrong about that…

    After she says it she just smiles and walks away, not giving a shit about Danny’s feelings.

    To be fair, if you were related to the borderline-incompetent co-host of “Wake Up, San Francisco!” you’d probably be less than excited about it, too.

    Duckface points out that it’s total bullshit that Joey would pick his own niece for the demonstration and gets all the kids to chant “fix!”

    Duckface totally should have gotten his own show. I’d love to see him single- handedly foil the Full House gang on a weekly basis.

    Joey admits to Danny that he broke Stephanie’s nose and reveals that he didn’t get the Mr. Egghead job, which is the first time ever on the show that someone’s gross incompetence has repercussions.

    The best part is when you remember this was an on air audition, so all that incompetence was broadcast to the masses.

    He then berates Joey for being such a fucking useless idiot and having no parenting skills whatsoever, which is actually pretty great.

    It’s a low bar, but Jesse’s pretty much the best dad of the three at this point, isn’t he?

    Like

    • billysuperstar says:

      yeah, that was a fun outcome. i couldnt remember, either, and for all i knew he was gonna be mr egghead for the next few seasons. given this shows track record, i wouldnt be too surprised if they just had joey working as mr egghead in future episodes anyway, with no mention of him being fired. i was horriifed to realizes that youre right: jesse is the best of the dads. joeys always been worthless but i feel like dannys gotten a lot crazier since the series began. id love to see an episode where child protective services took those kids away.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. PattyD says:

    Dude, I CANNOT believe that you referenced that made for tv movie (had to look up the name- “No One Would Tell”). I remember that awesomeness like it was yesterday, though I had the name confused with “She Cried No”. That’s the one where DJ is date raped by Zack from Saved By the Bell.

    On a side note, thanks for turning me into a compulsive blog commenter & for adding another level to my insomnia. Jerk. 😛

    Like

    • Santanaonfire says:

      Oh. My. God.

      I think I saw that. When it aired.

      And completely forgot.

      Until you said this:

      “That’s the one where DJ is date raped by Zack from Saved By the Bell.”

      And then I remembered. Anyone know where to find a copy?

      Like

    • Julia says:

      Read this and immediately watched “She Cried No” on YouTube. I had seen the Fred Savage movie before but never heard of the Mark Paul Gosselar one. Also Six from Blossom was in it. I think a Saved by the Bell blog would be awesome. That show was just as bad as Full House.

      The best line from “She Cried No” was when DJ’s character’s older brother in the movie finally started sticking up for his sister and realized Zack Morris was a smug bastard and actually did rape her: “I hope you do go to prison and then you’ll know what it feels like to be raped.” Best comeback.

      Like

      • rmc says:

        I would def. read a blog about Saved By the Bell, because I think I am the only person among my peers who has never watched a single episode, and I want someone to rip it to shreds for my enjoyment.

        Like

  6. Scott says:

    It’s been well established that the network producing Wake Up San Francisco aren’t the most professional bunch, but how the fuck do they let an incompetent boob like Danny Tanner keep recommending his life partners for air time?

    Like

  7. Ramon says:

    Is it possible that there’s a GIF file of Stephanie being punched in the face out there?

    Like

    • Dalif says:

      1) You are awesome
      2) Does she even get hit in the face? They could at least have let it be a clean strike to the nose, not that upper body nonsense

      Like

      • Amanda says:

        I don’t think she got hit at all. I think she just stood close enough so that it would appear as if she got hit. There’s a mark on the large line by her right foot that’s not on the other lines, so I’m thinking it was a mark to tell her where to stand.

        Like

      • Corey says:

        I remember this scene very vividly. The boxing glove is in front of her with the intention of making it look like it hits her, like your pretty standard stunt-fighting kind of effect. But since this is Full House, the boxing glove really ends up a visible 5 or 6 inches from Stephanie, and she just crumples to the ground. It’s a painfully bad effect, even by FH standards.

        Like

  8. Kent Wellington says:

    Happy that you got to see Stephanie Tanner get knocked the fuck out. You deserve it. Good work.

    Like

  9. Lisa says:

    “Jesse enters the scene and tells her to get her ass to school. He then berates Joey for being such a fucking useless idiot and having no parenting skills whatsoever, which is actually pretty great.”
    I know I’ve mentioned this before, not even that long ago, but since it came up again I felt I needed to address the fact that Jesse needs to take a stance on his feelings towards the importance of school once and for all. The sequence of events goes like this:
    -Jesse pulls Michelle out of school for no reason. Says she doesn’t need it.
    -Jesse begs Michelle to stay in school so she won’t turn out like the moron that he’s become.
    -Jesse berates Joey for suggesting Stephanie miss just one day of school.

    Bonus:
    Furture episodes also contribute–
    -Jesse goes back to school.
    -Jesse quits school on the first day of classes. Also revealing that he was a high school drop-out.
    -Jesse gives a ridiculous speech about school on the subway.
    -Jesse graduates as valedictorian of his class.

    (Sadly for me, none of this was Googled. All memory, baby. All memory.)

    Like

  10. PuppetDoctor says:

    I keep forgetting to point this out when I see it but I remembered this time. Notice that in the screenshot where Stephanie is in front of the door and has just come home with a broken nose and she is wearing earrings. Remember that because a future episodes plot doesn’t make any damn sense later on.

    Like

  11. Santanaonfire says:

    Epic screen caps, Billy. You totally let me enjoy that catharsis with you.

    Too bad they had to have that ruler painted on the ground (maybe that was supposed to be the scientific part?) because it makes it terribly obvious that she’s standing well back of its path such that it only passes in front of her face, rather than actually pulverizing her.

    Perhaps the adrenaline and excitement of seeing this in moving picture obscured its contrivance.

    Anyway, this Mr. Egghead show reminds me a lot of what I remember Out of Control being like perhaps this is where you Teebore are generating the memory that it lasts for a while.

    I hope, actually, that the just forget the continuity of him getting the job and he inexplicably is back in the gig later on. Because that would be a bid heaping elephant pile on the mound of evidence you have amassed on what a shitcom this is.

    Like

  12. kp199 says:

    Of COURSE Michelle gets to record the answering machine. That little bitch got to do everything. They sure made that trollop the most unbearable child on television. They had to have hand-picked a whole crap ton of Mormons as their studio audience, because they laughed/aww’d at everything pertaining to Michelle like she was Queen Elizabeth or something.

    Like

  13. Sarah Portland says:

    Now she’ll NEVER be a teen model!

    Like

  14. Sarah Portland says:

    “Moments later, Joey comes home and tells everyone that Danny got him an on-the-air audition (whoever heard of such a thing?) to be the new Mr. Egghead, which is more or less a rip-off of Mr. Wizard…. Incidentally, I can’t help but wonder how this Mr. Egghead gig might effect the Uncle’s advertising career and it seems pretty weird to me that neither of them considers this for even 2 seconds. ”

    Once again, we see the sitcom plot device of “guy gets a goofy new job, hijinks ensue.” I used to think that this was just a Simpsons thing (“Mr Plow”? Doesn’t he work at the nuclear plant already? Did he get fired?). Then I started noticing it on other shows…
    “Could we give character X a funny job?”
    “He already has a job.”
    “That’s okay, no one will notice.”
    Done properly (Lucy working in a chocolate factory, anyone?), that shit can get funny. Done by most people, it’s just tired. And the job only lasts one episode. It’s as though the writers wrote the episode, decided it wasn’t funny enough to have them work that job anymore, shrugged, and moved on. Kinda makes you wonder why they thought the Ranger Joe job showed more promise than the Mr Egghead gig.

    Like

  15. At the very end of the pre-credits gag, Danny Tanner has a really spectacular laugh. It’s worth going out of your way to experience, so be sure to turn the volume up on the television and listen very closely to the sound of his laughter. Seriously, it is amazing.

    Like

  16. ” All of these people should be living on the street.”

    I don’t know why I laughed so hard when I read this, since there is nothing funny about homelessness. Except if it were the Tanners.

    Like

  17. tildeloltilde says:

    I always found it hilarious when Stephanie gets punch in the schnoz when Jesse comes to her rescue and he completely puts all of his effort into knocking that blow up clown thing out of the screen. He literally sends it flying. Idk why but it always cracks me up.

    Like

  18. beautifulsorta says:

    “Stephanie expresses her excitement to Danny about her picture day tomorrow, as well as the news that she and her classmates will be the audience for Joey’s Mr. Egghead recording. Of course they will, who else could it possibly be?”

    One important lesson learned from Full House: San Francisco has a population of 30 people. That’s why the kids are always in the audience for the shows these dipshits host.

    Like

  19. John Q says:

    The opening gag reminded me when I was a little league coach in the late 80’s and we had a kid who kind of sounded like Katherine Hepburn and his mom let him leave the message. It went something like this: Hellooo, no one’s home now so call back laatar”

    This is such a dumb episode even by Full House standards. Who would ever do an “on air audition”?? And why would Joey even be cast in a show about science?? I don’t know, wouldn’t they want someone who actually knows something about science rather than a mentally challenged 30 year old who acts like he’s 9 years old? And why was Jesse in the audition? If Joey had gotten the job would that mean that Jesse also would get a job as the professor? And doesn’t Joey have a advertising job with Jesse anyway??

    It’s awfully convenient that Stephanie just happened to be in Joey’s audience that day.

    Another classic point is that Danny’s daughter is in the hospital and Danny is in traffic court fighting some stupid $30 ticket. Wouldn’t someone try to contact the court so Danny could go to the hospital???

    And why wouldn’t Stephanie just ask Danny to stay home from school after she broke her nose?? Then these kids are damn deceptive and they’re always planning schemes. And who the hell is supervising Michelle anyway?

    And how did Joey get to that school so fast? Did he go back in time somehow? And where did he get 20 rubber nose glasses??? And then they took the photo without the glasses anyway so what the hell was the point??

    Like

  20. Nik29 says:

    The whole reason I found this column is on the Mr. egg head show Joey call Stephanie, Michelle after he picks her and they are walking over to the boxing glove. Just surprised no one brought that up..

    Like

  21. Stacy Hirsh says:

    That picture of Michele putting her grubby fingers all over the peanut butter and jelly is so nasty!

    Like

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