Season 3, Episode 21, “Just Say No Way”

Pre-Credits Gag:  Michelle makes Joey a sandwich for lunch and he is unsettled to discover that it is filled with disgusting ingredients.

As the family enjoys milk and cookies together in the kitchen, Joey gifts Michelle with a Raffi recording of “Baby Beluga.”  Danny and Stephanie add to the entertainment by singing and dancing along to the music, and Joey joins them by spitting all over the kitchen.

Seriously, why’s Joey always spitting all over the place?  I hate it.  This is not an isolated incident.  I can think of at least one previous Joey-Spitting-out-water routine that I’ve bitched about, plus he did that Sylvester impression a few episodes ago where he kept spitting in Jesse’s face.  Why does this man work so hard to be obnoxious?  Is there anything left for him to do to make me hate him?  I guess he could start shitting his pants all the time and walking around with shitty pants, but actually I wouldn’t be surprised if he isn’t already.  I mean, really, would anyone in the full house even react if he did?

DJ and Kimmie Gibbler come home in a tizzy because they’re planning a dance at school.  The Dads ask DJ if she’s done her homework and she says she’s almost done with it, but when they ask to see it she admits that she hasn’t started it yet.  It may sound like a menial detail, and it happens very quickly on the show, but the astute observer will note careful story building at work.

Up in DJ’s room, she and Kimmie Gibbler book a high school band called Dog Face to play at their dance.  They then try to scrounge up some hot dick for after the after party and Kimmie Gibbler suggests that DJ call up Kevin, that awkward kid she made out with at her birthday party a few episodes ago.  As always, DJ has zero game whatsoever and is too plagued with self-doubt to do anything so Stephanie calls Kevin and asks for her.

A week goes by, as indicated by Stephanie, who bellyaches about having to listen to that fucking Baby Beluga song all week.  DJ gets all dressed up for the dance and when the doorbell rings she perfectly positions herself to give Kevin a rock hard boner the second he opens the door and takes in this perfect view of her.  The only problem is, she forgets that Joey’s sitting behind her.

YOU SEE?  YOU SEE HOW HE RUINS EVERYTHING???

Anyway it turns out to actually be Kimmie Gibbler at the door so it doesn’t even matter.  There’s a pretty hilarious moment where she sees that Danny is recording everything with a video camera and immediately starts singing “The Right Stuff,” with dance moves and everything.  Anyway, Kimmie Gibbler tells DJ that Dog Face broke up so now there won’t be any jams to grind to on the dance flo.  DJ bugs Jesse until he agrees to play at the dance with a back-up band that DJ promises to arrange.  While all this is going on Kevin shows up but nobody even really gives a shit.

At the dance, DJ and Kimmie Gibbler shoot the shit with Kathy Santoni, who’s got 3 dates.  I like how any time they need some other kid for DJ and Kimmie Gibbler to interact with they bring back Kathy Santoni.  She’s like one of the only other consistent people outside of the Tanners in the Full House universe, and her whole character is that she’s got big titties and all the boys at the junior high are on her jammy.

Meanwhile, on the other end of the dance floor, Kevin is greeted by the two most ridiculous children I have ever seen.  Based on the way that they swagger onscreen and their rebellious attire, I can only assume that they’re hooligans.  They tell Kevin to loosen up and invite him away from the set for something that is sure to be naughty.

Jesse’s backup band arrives in the form of the school marching band.  Jesse gets pretty pissed and tries to back out of the performance but DJ manages to guilt him into going through with it.  So, what?  DJ saves the dance by getting Jesse to perform his classic rock with the school marching band?  Nope.  All the kids totally hate it.  It seems like having no performance at all would have been better than this.  At least it goes on for a really long time.

DJ goes to find Kevin and catches him drinking beer with those naughty boys!  DJ acts exactly as square and disapproving as you’d expect her to and then the kid with the mullet sprays her with beer.

Kevin goes to get DJ some towels while DJ proceeds to give those naughty boys a stern talking to.  She decides to show them how stupid they look by grabbing the beer from them and repeating what they said earlier when they were trying to persuade her to drink beer and, wouldn’t you know it?  Uncle Jesse happens to be standing behind her at this precise moment and since the naughty boys see him first they act like she’s really offering them beer and run away.  Jesse immediately reaches the conclusion that DJ is a beer swilling menace and will hear no reasoning that says otherwise.

Michelle wears out her Baby Beluga tape and everyone makes a half-hearted attempt to act like they’re not happy about it.  The baby then protests until Danny, Joey and Stephanie are all forced to sing and perform their Baby Beluga routine.  And that is how the Baby Beluga subplot ends.

DJ and Jesse come home and shout their differing views of events at Danny and Joey.  Joey actually tries to act all cool and understanding about it, which is kinda weird, and Jesse stresses the point that if she was lying about doing her homework and getting him a halfway decent back-up band, then surely she must be lying about this as well.  You see there how paying attention to the story pays off?  Danny has trouble knowing what to believe and DJ goes up to her room, feeling persecuted.

Up in her room, DJ has a dramatic crying scene, not dissimilar to the one Stephanie had in the previous episode.  What’s up with that?  Are these kids trying to win an Emmy?  Anyway, DJ tells Stephanie that nobody believes her and there’s a really touching moment where Stephanie tells DJ that she believes her even though she doesn’t even know what she’s talking about and there’s hugging and crying at the same time.  It really made my asshole clench because it was so moving.

Down in the kitchen the Dads wonder how they could be such shitty Dads that they’d have a kid who would drink a beer one time.  There’s a bunch of heavy handed dialogue about how drinking is glamorized in the media and that kids are getting the wrong message and Danny stresses the point that he wants to find the best way to help DJ.  What the fuck?  Stephanie interrupts their pity party to tell them that she’s sure that DJ is innocent and that DJ snuck out of the house and got a ride back to the dance from Kimmie Gibbler’s Mom in attempt to clear her good name.

When DJ arrives at the dance she’s greeted by Kimmie Gibbler, who tells her that Kevin and those naughty boys got busted and are in big ass trouble.  DJ finds Kevin and tells him that he has to clear up what happened and that drinking is bad and don’t do drugs and stay in school.  As he’s leaving, Kevin sees Danny and Jesse coming into the school and confirms DJ’s innocence, which leaves them feeling like a couple of dickheads.  Jesse finds DJ and apologizes for not believing her and then they have a really lengthy exchange where they talk yet again about how awful drinking is.  The music comes on and Jesse tells DJ that he hopes that she’ll never get laid or drink a beer or grow up in any way and then they hug.

What a heavy-handed story!  The thing that really made it completely pointless is that DJ never at any point expressed anything other than a complete intolerance towards drinking, so there’s not even a lesson to be learned from any of this.  The closest thing I could find was, “don’t ironically mock people’s behavior when they’re doing something they shouldn’t be because someone else might see you and think that you’re doing what you’re mocking those people for doing.” Wait, what?  I need a drink!