Season 3, Episode 22, “Three Men and Another Baby”

Pre-Credits Gag:  Michelle pleads with Joey and Danny to check her closet for a monster and when they finally proceed with the investigation they are startled by DJ in a monster mask.  What a bunch of practical jokers!

Danny compulsively cleans the kitchen, declaring Friday, “mop ‘till you drop day.”  He scolds the dog for running across the kitchen floor and has a nice bit of exposition about how Comet will be starting obedience training that evening.  Well it’s about fuckin’ time!

A ring at the doorbell announces the arrival of two neighbors and their baby, Tony, who’s apparently going to be spending the night at the full house.  At first I thought it was kind of weird that these neighbors we’ve never seen before abruptly showed up to leave their baby at the full house, but then I realized that it’s even weirder than that because these are actually the same parents that DJ babysat for a few episodes ago except now they have a baby instead of a kid in elementary school.  What the fuck?

Tony’s parents take off and then Danny immediately leaves Tony in the living room by himself.  I guess I shouldn’t be surprised by this, seeing as how about half of the gags on this show involve Michelle walking around unsupervised.  Rebecca Donaldson enters the full house, along with Joey and Jesse, who are less than enthusiastic about her plans to cook them dinner because apparently she’s a pretty shitty cook.  Rebecca Donaldson discovers the abandoned baby on the floor of the living room and her ovaries flutter with maternal yearning.  Jesse acts like he thinks babies suck even though we’ve watched him raise a baby for like 3 seasons so why would they even bother with that routine?  Naturally, the baby immediately becomes attached to Jesse and will only stop crying when he holds him.  This works out well for Danny, who asks Jesse to watch the baby for the evening because he has to take Comet to obedience training.  Wait, what?  Danny agreed to let the neighbors baby stay at the full house and didn’t tell anyone else about it and then he actually made other plans for that evening?  What if no one else had been home?  I guess he woulda just left that baby on the floor unsupervised all night.  Anyway, at the end of the scene Michelle comes in sizes up Tony.

Joey tries to help DJ solve a math word problem about quantities of nuts but he’s too fucking stupid and useless to understand simple algebra.  Jesse interrupts the girls’ homework time by parading the new baby around and everybody ogles him for a while.  Tony once again cries until Jesse holds him and then Michelle gets all butt hurt when she sees them together and starts acting like a real asshole.  Tony’s staying in her room and Michelle starts being all, “that’s MY crib!  Those are MY toys!”  Jesse tells her that she should learn to share and that it’s pretty shitty to hate on a tiny helpless baby but Michelle doesn’t give a fuck.  Jesse just sort of drops the subject and abruptly starts singing to the baby in this weird sort of hurried way, almost like the scene was running long or something.  There’s also this really steep over-the-shoulder shot of Jesse singing to the baby that seems pretty out of place.

Michelle is mortified by Jesse’s act of kindness towards some other baby and sits in the hallway hanging her head and saying, “Uncle Jesse doesn’t like me anymore,” while sad music plays.  I know that I never feel bad for these characters when sad music plays for them, but in this case I have even less sympathy than usual.  If you ask me they should kick Michelle to the curb and make a fresh start with Tony.  At least then there’d be a chance that we’d get a kid on this show that didn’t make you want to punch them in the face every time they opened their mouth.

Joey continues to struggle with DJ’s math problem while Jesse samples Rebecca Donaldson’s horrible cooking.  Michelle enters the scene and starts talking shit about Tony to Jesse so he decides to go up to her room to confront the situation.  Michelle talks more about how much she hates Tony’s guts and Rebecca Donaldson observes that Michelle is regressing because she’s jealous of all of the attention Tony is getting from Jesse.  Michelle sits in the crib and sucks her thumb while Rebecca Donaldson suggests that they resolve the situation by rewarding Michelle for acting like a big girl.  Jesse thinks it’s a crappy idea and resists until Rebecca Donaldson tells him that if he tries it her way she’ll give him one of her “special backrubs” and he immediately complies.  You see how hand jobs solve everything?

Joey tells DJ that he’s finally given up on solving her math problem and goes on a big long polemic about how he’s ruined her future because he’s such a worthless asshole but then she just tells him that she called the homework hotline and was able to solve the problem already.  Well, alright.

Jesse enters the scene and fills the girls in on the problem he’s having with Michelle and asks them what they think he should offer as a reward for her big girl behavior.  DJ tries to offer up Mr. Bear and Stephanie gets all defensive and retaliates by proposing that they offer DJ’s Pillow Person.  Who ever knew that that weird Pillow Person thing would get so much screen time on this show?

Anyway, Stephanie and DJ argue for a while about why the other should offer up their beloved childhood stuffed animal and instead of either of them decisively stating that they’re not willing to give up their shit they agree to let Michelle decide which toy to take.  Wait, what?  So then each of the girls try to persuade Michelle to pick the other’s stuffed animal until Michelle eventually picks Mr. Bear.  Stephanie hesitates before saying a heartfelt goodbye to Mr. Bear and is it me or did this episode take a really abrupt left turn somewhere?  They totally just roped Stephanie into parting with her most beloved possession in like 2 minutes.  I’d kind of feel bad about the way her childhood is being wrenched from her hands for the sole purpose of filling in a minor supplement to a storyline about her little sister but I was too busy laughing at her outfit.

Naturally, Michelle’s behavior shows absolutely no improvement whatsoever after she acquires Mr. Bear and Stephanie gets pretty fucking pissed off about it.  Danny comes home and, after a lame joke about how shitty he is at training the dog, he is consulted by Jesse about the problem with Michelle.  Danny tells Jesse that everything he did to handle the situation so far was fucking retarded and that the best thing to do would be to have a serious one-on-one conversation with Michelle.

Jesse sits Michelle down for a serious one-on-one conversation and she bitches and moans about how nice Jesse’s been to Tony.  Oh man, I just can’t stand it.  I have to ask:  is it wrong to want to punch a little girl in the face?

The music comes on as Jesse tells Michelle that he likes her better than everybody else.  They hug as the problem is resolved and then Stephanie comes in and makes a speech about how she’s accepted the loss of Mr. Bear.  Reinforcing the tried and true Full House theme of “graciously accepting that things didn’t turn out the way that you wanted will result in things turning out the way that you wanted,” Michelle gives Mr. Bear back to Stephanie.  Rounding out the circle of love and harmony, Michelle kisses Tony and then Jesse and Rebecca Donaldson kiss while they hold the babies and life is precious.

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39 Responses to Season 3, Episode 22, “Three Men and Another Baby”

  1. KimanderEvil says:

    This is the reason Friday exisits. Thank you.

    Like

  2. Isabelle says:

    Hi I’m new here, but I’ve just spent a couple of hours checking out your blog and I love it ! I’m French and I teach English in high school here in Tours, France. Thank you for the reviews, they are great. We had the show here for a while but I don’t know if all seasons have been on the air…I’ll try and find it out !! Keep going !!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Teebore says:

    It may not be on the same level as the “don’t drink!/ok, I didn’t” episode, but between Michelle’s hissy fit, DJ’s pillow pal and the whoring of Mr. Bear, this is almost as messed up an episode.

    it’s even weirder than that because these are actually the same parents that DJ babysat for a few episodes ago except now they have a baby instead of a kid in elementary school.

    You’d think the show was enough of a success at this point that they could afford new extras…

    I guess he woulda just left that baby on the floor unsupervised all night.

    In Danny’s defense, it’s a baby. Where’s he gonna go?

    she just tells him that she called the homework hotline and was able to solve the problem already.

    Wow DJ, the homework hotline? Could you be any cooler?

    Rebecca Donaldson tells him that if he tries it her way she’ll give him one of her “special backrubs” and he immediately complies. You see how hand jobs solve everything?

    And that’s the lesson we should all take away from this episode.

    Like

  4. Roxy says:

    Oh yeah, this is the beginning of Michelle’s true brattiness (so to speak). It only gets more annoying from now on.Great recap, spot on 🙂

    Like

  5. kirsten says:

    i like michelle shes a good character

    Like

  6. Scott says:

    Upon losing Mr Bear, Stephanie Tanner immediately retreated to the friendly confines of her closet to visit with her new best friend, Mr Meth.

    Like

  7. The Complexities of Full House says:

    I’d kind of feel bad about the way her childhood is being wrenched from her hands for the sole purpose of filling in a minor supplement to a storyline about her little sister but I was too busy laughing at her outfit.
    ______________________________________________________________

    Don’t know why, but I found that hysterically funny

    Like

  8. paperdoll77 says:

    “and life is precious”

    I laughed so hard at that comment.

    Like

  9. Jenn says:

    Why should the girls have to give up their one treasure to appease that brat? Can’t Michelle have her own Popple or something? It makes no sense at all. Isn’t it enough that she gets her own room and all the cookies and ice cream she could ever want?

    Like

  10. Susan Roberts says:

    What was wrong with Stephanie’s face it is all swollen and she even has trouble speaking. like mumps of a bad trip to the dentist?

    Like

  11. Christine says:

    Why is no one talking about DJ’s perfectly crimped hair??

    Like

  12. Just spent two days reading through all the archives up to this point and this is my favourite review so far. Thank you for being awesome.
    Sidebar: I also want to punch Michelle in her face. Hope that helps clear that up.

    Like

  13. SpideyTerry says:

    “I’d kind of feel bad about the way her childhood is being wrenched from her hands for the sole purpose of filling in a minor supplement to a storyline about her little sister but I was too busy laughing at her outfit.”

    Hey, wait, didn’t an episode reveal that Mr. Bear was a present from her mom? Oh my God, isn’t that horrible? “Sorry, Stephanie, but to cheer up your spoiled younger sister, we’re gonna let her take away a cherished toy from your dead mother. And by the way, you have to wear a ridiculous outfit.”

    Liked by 1 person

  14. PuppetDoctor says:

    “I’d kind of feel bad about the way her childhood is being wrenched from her hands for the sole purpose of filling in a minor supplement to a storyline about her little sister but I was too busy laughing at her outfit.”

    LMAO! Thank you for bringing up Stephanie’s hideous outfit. Who was the person who picked her wardrobe this episode they should have been fired on the spot.

    Reading this episode summary by you just drove me nuts. Not because it was bad but because of how much is wrong with this episode itself. Poor Stephanie is always ignored and she doesn’t complain but OMG when someone steals attention from Michelle she just can’t suck it up but she must pout and DJ and Stephanie need to choose one of their beloved toys to give to precious little Michelle.

    Like

  15. Santanaonfire says:

    “I realized that it’s even weirder than that because these are actually the same parents that DJ babysat for a few episodes ago except now they have a baby instead of a kid in elementary school. What the fuck?”

    I noticed that before is started reading! Not only that but they are now buttoned-up squares and not acid dropping hippies. They are clearly supposed to be someone else.

    “Who ever knew that that weird Pillow Person thing would get so much screen time on this show?”

    They don’t have to pay the Pillow Person to be a recurring character. Unlike those shape shifting hippies, the show probably gets paid by the Pillow Person when he’s on!

    “They totally just roped Stephanie into parting with her most beloved possession in like 2 minutes. I’d kind of feel bad about the way her childhood is being wrenched from her hands for the sole purpose of filling in a minor supplement to a storyline about her little sister but I was too busy laughing at her outfit.”

    Maybe I misread, but I’m too lazy to go back and re-read – didn’t Stephanie pick Mr. Bear to offer up? I mean, she could have picked something else that didn’t mean everything to her, right?

    Like

    • kitty says:

      No, DJ picked Mr Bear. Stephanie retaliated with the pillow thing. All because their asshole uncle felt they should appease the human monstrosity that is their sister.

      Like

  16. kp199 says:

    “…actually the same parents that DJ babysat for a few episodes ago except now they have a baby instead of a kid in elementary school.”

    Did this show have that much trouble finding people to act out roles? Ah what the hell am I asking, of course nobody wanted to be a part of this crap fest.

    “Uncle Jesse doesn’t like me anymore”

    Of course they had to incorporate a way for this episode to revolve around Michelle. How DARE Uncle Jesse pay attention to somebody else! He’d better not think about ever having kids, or a life for himself, lest Michelle become “upset” about it…Oh wait.

    Like

  17. Emily says:

    Okay, I know that part of the point of this blog is to make fun of the main characters on the show and you spent a lot of time pointing out how ugly Michelle was as a baby . . . BUT, I have always thought Tony was the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen. I mean, really.

    Like

    • kitty says:

      Eh, the baby is kind of an average baby, just not commercials cute. The Olsens always looked like weird old troll ladies with their sagging faces.

      Like

  18. Alex says:

    Ugliest baby ever!!!

    Like

  19. e_x_i_t says:

    What’s with DJ always trying to pawn off her Pillow People doll? First it was shot down by Stephanie and now Michelle, I guess nobody wants such a shitty toy.

    Like

  20. Damn, I want one of those “special back rubs!” better yet, how about a “special dick rub!” rebecca used to get me so wet before she moved in to the full house with those cornny fullhousians! I mean seriously dickhardening! I have to now go jack off to her!

    Like

  21. this just pisses me off. why do Stefony and DJ who didn’t do anything wrong have to give up one of their childhood toys just for that brat michelle? I frickin’ hate that baby! The show gets worse as you go on, michelle becomes more involved!

    Like

  22. Billy, it’s wrong to want to punch a lil girl in the face, but it’s perfectly fine to want to punch that bratty michelle in the face! I want to do so myself! that little bitch gets everything she wants, her own room, a shitload of hugs and kisses, lots of time with her cornny family, all the icecream she could ever want, but she still is whinning like a lil shit!

    Like

  23. chelsea says:

    I realize I’m way late in commenting, but I love that you mentioned Stephanie’s horrible outfit. I looked at the picture before reading and thought how hipsters on tumblr would totally die for those acid wash jeans today.

    Like

  24. Kenny says:

    I guess he woulda just left that baby on the floor unsupervised all night.

    Michelle looks around: I know yall motherfuckas aint leavin my ass here alone?!

    Like

  25. JohnMo says:

    Punch that baby right now!! It was right around this episode where I tried an experiment and laughed uproariously every time the audience did, which was basically every time Michelle said anything. I was tired of it after about 3 minutes. If you listen to the laugh track for a little while, you almost CAN”T not listen to it, one of the other annoying things about this show!

    Like

  26. LisaLu says:

    is it wrong to want to punch a little girl in the face?

    Not if it’s Michelle. Seriously, I hated her so much…

    Like

  27. nyrB says:

    $5.50 a pound

    Like

  28. Deitra says:

    Maybe it’s because I have a three year old great niece who has a six month old sister, but Michelle’s resentment of Tony is very realistic for a toddler, I know most episodes Michelle can be a huge brat, but this one it wasn’t really bratty behavior , it’s typical toddler behavior especially if they’re the baby and a younger person comes into the picture, the older child is going to feel rejected unless they’re reassured.

    Like

    • rmc says:

      This is absolutely true. But! you forget that Michelle is not your typical toddler, but rather a one borne of a ritual of atrocity involving the blood from a virgin’s menarche, spilled over runes carved into the bones of a fetal skeleton, as an incantation is spoken in Enochian or ancient Sumerian or whatever the hell language was spoken by the Anasazi before they cannibalized each other.

      It’s okay though, we all made that minor oversight at one time or another. Rookie mistake, no biggie.

      Like

  29. Aunt Becky says:

    I can’t believe you didn’t notice that Tony’s mom is also the same parent who dropped off another kid for Jesse to watch in Season 1 when Joey goes away to do his comedy college tour.

    Seriously, were extras that hard to find? Surely they could have sprung for a different set of parents.

    Like

  30. Jeanne says:

    Haha I remember the Joey subplot. I also had a flashback to when he called a nut store and asked them to solve the math problem. I have to say, I’m admittedly laughing, a little.. An awful idea, but not terribly awful.
    It’s ironic in the situation w/ Michelle that Danny is the one to suggest having a direct conversation w/ her. When has that ever been a solution suggested in the full house? And then for Jesse to tell Michelle he likes her the best? This doesn’t really address/resolve her atrocious behavior, and of course, just reinforces her “better than everyone else” attitude. Way to take a reasonable solution and F it, full house.

    Like

  31. James Conners says:

    I always hated that part when Danny made Jesse look like a dumbass when he is told of the situation and that he gave Michelle a toy as a reward if she started acting like a big girl. It was Becky’s idea not Jesse’s! She told him to tell Michelle she will get a toy if she starts behaving like a big girl. So why didn’t Jesse say “Oh well Becky suggested… so and so… and to Danny so he can tell her she’s a dumb bitch for her supposedly bright idea. Jesse even said “We” not “I” (he should’ve been clear who was involved with the plan) so Danny should’ve said “YOU GUYS tired to bribe her” instead of “YOU tried…” I would also say Jesse was stupid for listening to her but she is his girlfriend so he would do anything to please her and please him (i.e. her “special” back rub)

    But that part with Joey calling an actual Nut store was the funniest part.

    Like

  32. LORIMAR-Telepictures says:

    Clearly she is a princess who is above everyone else…

    As a father, if I have a daughter such as lil’ Michelle, I would be more than happy to bail her out after Cuntryfest…

    Like

  33. Gia says:

    Wow, I read up to this point in one night and then had nightmares that my baby sister turned into Michelle. I had the Mafia take care of her.

    Like

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