Season 3, Episode 22, “Three Men and Another Baby”

Pre-Credits Gag:  Michelle pleads with Joey and Danny to check her closet for a monster and when they finally proceed with the investigation they are startled by DJ in a monster mask.  What a bunch of practical jokers!

Danny compulsively cleans the kitchen, declaring Friday, “mop ‘till you drop day.”  He scolds the dog for running across the kitchen floor and has a nice bit of exposition about how Comet will be starting obedience training that evening.  Well it’s about fuckin’ time!

A ring at the doorbell announces the arrival of two neighbors and their baby, Tony, who’s apparently going to be spending the night at the full house.  At first I thought it was kind of weird that these neighbors we’ve never seen before abruptly showed up to leave their baby at the full house, but then I realized that it’s even weirder than that because these are actually the same parents that DJ babysat for a few episodes ago except now they have a baby instead of a kid in elementary school.  What the fuck?

Tony’s parents take off and then Danny immediately leaves Tony in the living room by himself.  I guess I shouldn’t be surprised by this, seeing as how about half of the gags on this show involve Michelle walking around unsupervised.  Rebecca Donaldson enters the full house, along with Joey and Jesse, who are less than enthusiastic about her plans to cook them dinner because apparently she’s a pretty shitty cook.  Rebecca Donaldson discovers the abandoned baby on the floor of the living room and her ovaries flutter with maternal yearning.  Jesse acts like he thinks babies suck even though we’ve watched him raise a baby for like 3 seasons so why would they even bother with that routine?  Naturally, the baby immediately becomes attached to Jesse and will only stop crying when he holds him.  This works out well for Danny, who asks Jesse to watch the baby for the evening because he has to take Comet to obedience training.  Wait, what?  Danny agreed to let the neighbors baby stay at the full house and didn’t tell anyone else about it and then he actually made other plans for that evening?  What if no one else had been home?  I guess he woulda just left that baby on the floor unsupervised all night.  Anyway, at the end of the scene Michelle comes in sizes up Tony.

Joey tries to help DJ solve a math word problem about quantities of nuts but he’s too fucking stupid and useless to understand simple algebra.  Jesse interrupts the girls’ homework time by parading the new baby around and everybody ogles him for a while.  Tony once again cries until Jesse holds him and then Michelle gets all butt hurt when she sees them together and starts acting like a real asshole.  Tony’s staying in her room and Michelle starts being all, “that’s MY crib!  Those are MY toys!”  Jesse tells her that she should learn to share and that it’s pretty shitty to hate on a tiny helpless baby but Michelle doesn’t give a fuck.  Jesse just sort of drops the subject and abruptly starts singing to the baby in this weird sort of hurried way, almost like the scene was running long or something.  There’s also this really steep over-the-shoulder shot of Jesse singing to the baby that seems pretty out of place.

Michelle is mortified by Jesse’s act of kindness towards some other baby and sits in the hallway hanging her head and saying, “Uncle Jesse doesn’t like me anymore,” while sad music plays.  I know that I never feel bad for these characters when sad music plays for them, but in this case I have even less sympathy than usual.  If you ask me they should kick Michelle to the curb and make a fresh start with Tony.  At least then there’d be a chance that we’d get a kid on this show that didn’t make you want to punch them in the face every time they opened their mouth.

Joey continues to struggle with DJ’s math problem while Jesse samples Rebecca Donaldson’s horrible cooking.  Michelle enters the scene and starts talking shit about Tony to Jesse so he decides to go up to her room to confront the situation.  Michelle talks more about how much she hates Tony’s guts and Rebecca Donaldson observes that Michelle is regressing because she’s jealous of all of the attention Tony is getting from Jesse.  Michelle sits in the crib and sucks her thumb while Rebecca Donaldson suggests that they resolve the situation by rewarding Michelle for acting like a big girl.  Jesse thinks it’s a crappy idea and resists until Rebecca Donaldson tells him that if he tries it her way she’ll give him one of her “special backrubs” and he immediately complies.  You see how hand jobs solve everything?

Joey tells DJ that he’s finally given up on solving her math problem and goes on a big long polemic about how he’s ruined her future because he’s such a worthless asshole but then she just tells him that she called the homework hotline and was able to solve the problem already.  Well, alright.

Jesse enters the scene and fills the girls in on the problem he’s having with Michelle and asks them what they think he should offer as a reward for her big girl behavior.  DJ tries to offer up Mr. Bear and Stephanie gets all defensive and retaliates by proposing that they offer DJ’s Pillow Person.  Who ever knew that that weird Pillow Person thing would get so much screen time on this show?

Anyway, Stephanie and DJ argue for a while about why the other should offer up their beloved childhood stuffed animal and instead of either of them decisively stating that they’re not willing to give up their shit they agree to let Michelle decide which toy to take.  Wait, what?  So then each of the girls try to persuade Michelle to pick the other’s stuffed animal until Michelle eventually picks Mr. Bear.  Stephanie hesitates before saying a heartfelt goodbye to Mr. Bear and is it me or did this episode take a really abrupt left turn somewhere?  They totally just roped Stephanie into parting with her most beloved possession in like 2 minutes.  I’d kind of feel bad about the way her childhood is being wrenched from her hands for the sole purpose of filling in a minor supplement to a storyline about her little sister but I was too busy laughing at her outfit.

Naturally, Michelle’s behavior shows absolutely no improvement whatsoever after she acquires Mr. Bear and Stephanie gets pretty fucking pissed off about it.  Danny comes home and, after a lame joke about how shitty he is at training the dog, he is consulted by Jesse about the problem with Michelle.  Danny tells Jesse that everything he did to handle the situation so far was fucking retarded and that the best thing to do would be to have a serious one-on-one conversation with Michelle.

Jesse sits Michelle down for a serious one-on-one conversation and she bitches and moans about how nice Jesse’s been to Tony.  Oh man, I just can’t stand it.  I have to ask:  is it wrong to want to punch a little girl in the face?

The music comes on as Jesse tells Michelle that he likes her better than everybody else.  They hug as the problem is resolved and then Stephanie comes in and makes a speech about how she’s accepted the loss of Mr. Bear.  Reinforcing the tried and true Full House theme of “graciously accepting that things didn’t turn out the way that you wanted will result in things turning out the way that you wanted,” Michelle gives Mr. Bear back to Stephanie.  Rounding out the circle of love and harmony, Michelle kisses Tony and then Jesse and Rebecca Donaldson kiss while they hold the babies and life is precious.