Season 3, Episode 24, “Our Very First Telethon”

Pre-Credits Gag:  Michelle sneaks up behind Danny and grabs his face after he’s been up all night planning for a telethon.  This is one of those rare occasions where the pre-credits gag sets up the premise for the episode, as the aforementioned telethon is about to be rammed down your fucking throat for 22 minutes.

Moments before the show goes live, Danny frantically runs around and gets in the way of all of the people who are doing actual work for the telethon.  Naturally, he’s enlisted the entire Full House cast to participate in some form or other, including Kimmie Gibbler, who makes the generous offer of riding her sweet ass unicycle on screen but is relegated by Danny back to her phone answering position.

All of a sudden Danny’s boss, Mr. Strowbridge, who hasn’t appeared onscreen since the beginning of last Season, shows up and exposits the conditions of the telethon, with an emphasis on how important it is and how much faith he has in Danny.  Hasn’t Mr. Strowbridge ever watched Wake Up, San Francisco?  There’s no way Danny’s not gonna fuck up all over the place.

So the telethon begins its broadcast and Danny explains to the audience that the foundation they’re helping, “We Love Our Kids,” is raising money to buy equipment for the children’s health center.  I was honestly surprised that they bothered to explain what the telethon was for.  I had just assumed it was to pay the girls salaries.

So about ten seconds into the show, Danny hands his microphone to his stupid obnoxious kids and the telethon becomes instantly unwatchable.  Danny eventually wrestles the microphone back from Stephanie, who’s spending precious fund raising time giving shout-outs to all her friends, and presents the first act while standing between Bill Cosby and a cocaine dealer from Miami Vice.

So guess who the first act is?  No, really, if you were trying to raise funding for a children’s hospital, how would you want to open the show?  That’s right, with terrible comedy!  Joey comes out and does some jokes about music that involve him making guitar sounds and then he brings out Rebecca Donaldson for a magic act.  He separates Rebecca Donaldson’s mid-section from the rest of her body in “the cabinet of mystery” but then, fearing that he might competently perform a task, Joey reliably meets our expectations when he discovers that he’s unable to put her back together.  Rebecca Donaldson is then forced to perform the next act, a singing duet with Danny, while stuck in the cabinet.

There’s a really quick montage where they breeze through a bunch of the telethon but there’s very little footage that doesn’t involve the Tanner family.  Couldn’t they have booked, like, anything?  Before the show started there were all these clowns and stuff standing around and in the beginning they showed Danny scheduling all these acts but it looks to me like this telethon’s offering up jack shit.  They got the cheerleaders for the Raiders and the Tanner family and somehow that’s supposed to be enough to fill 24 hours worth of airtime.

After the montage, Danny exhaustedly tells the viewers that we’re now in the final 4 hours of the telethon and discovers that Rebecca Donaldson has gone home to get some sleep.  He stands around looking tired and trailing off his sentences until the girls walk onscreen and Danny decides to share some stage time with Michelle.  They sit in a chair together and Danny immediately falls asleep while Michelle grabs the microphone and sings “The Itsy Bitsy Spider.”  Oh, come on!  What I really don’t understand is why Danny’s solely in charge of everything.  Shouldn’t there be a director or an ambitious boom operator or something to deal with these kinds of situations?  Mr. Strowbridge appears and gets all pissed off but he doesn’t have like a plan or anything.  They all just stand around looking panicked and befuddled while the baby sings into the microphone.

Jesse tries to hold the broadcast together while Michelle sings the alphabet to a cheering audience.  Mr. Strowbridge becomes exasperated and puts Joey and Jesse in charge of the broadcast, seemingly because they’re the only other people standing around the set.  The Uncles hastily enlist the girls to provide entertainment, beginning with Stephanie doing a dance to, “Love Shack” that goes on for about a minute and a half.  I know that I got all into it when Stephanie did a dance a few episodes back, but after one time the novelty has completely disappeared.  If anything, this routine makes me feel really disappointed in the B-52’s.

As if that wasn’t excruciating enough, DJ follows up by singing some Shirley Temple-esque song about candy to Michelle.  DJ looks pretty miserable while she’s lip-synching the song, like you can really tell that she just couldn’t get out of having to do this routine.  The only upside to all of this shit is that I don’t have a lot to say about it and the performances are all pretty long, so at least it’s a little less work than usual to recap.

More desperate attempts to fill up air-time follow, such as Joey doing an impression of Steven Tyler, which combines the 2 biggest eyesores in the history of show business.

Rebecca Donaldson returns to the set and introduces Kimmie Gibbler’s unicycle act, which is allowed onscreen after Kimmie Gibbler’s Mom pledges $100.  What, they’ll let the baby sing the fucking alphabet but Kimmie Gibbler’s gotta pay for her screen time?

Danny wakes up and discovers that the telethon’s almost over but they’re only $40,000 away from their million dollar goal.  Mr. Strowbridge make an inelegant entrance and frantically exclaims that Mike Love from the Beach Boys has come by to help out.  Mike Love shambles out and lip-synchs, “Be True to Your School,” while Jesse plays guitar and the Raiders Cheerleaders dance around and since our 22-minutes are up the goal is reached and a bunch of balloons fall and everyone dances around and that’s the end of Season 3.

Well, shit.  On the one hand, I actually kind of appreciate that they tried to put a big production together for the Season finale.  On the other hand, it was such an underwhelming effort that they might as well not have tried at all.  I’ve always been really annoyed by the routines on this show that are all about how much Danny sucks at his job as the host of Wake Up, San Francisco, and this was pretty much an entire episode based solely around that.  I also have to point out that, as much as this show totally sucks shit as a sitcom, it’s about a million times more unwatchable as a variety show.

One last thing I wanted to point out is that this episode features frequent shots of the studio audience, which finally brings us an answer to the  the question so frequently posted here, “who the fuck watched this shitty show?”  So here they are, the assholes responsible for this shows inexplicably high ratings.

And that’s a wrap on Season 3!  Be sure to check in during the week for some exciting bonus content, and tune in next Friday for Season 3 Reviewed!


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44 Responses to Season 3, Episode 24, “Our Very First Telethon”

  1. Teebore says:

    as the aforementioned telethon is about to be rammed down your fucking throat for 22 minutes

    Oh god, the telethon episode…

    presents the first act while standing between Bill Cosby and a cocaine dealer from Miami Vice.

    Ha! That’s some good screencapping…

    Rebecca Donaldson is then forced to perform the next act, a singing duet with Danny, while stuck in the cabinet.

    Okay, as egregious and unbelievable as opening the show with Joey’s “act” may be, I find this almost as ridiculous. Why would anyone want to hear two morning show hosts sing a duet? They’re talk show hosts (in name, at least) not singers. Why not have Danny’s boss sing a little ditty? He’s just as qualified (as in, he’s alive, which is apparently the requirement for performers on this telethon).

    Danny exhaustedly tells the viewers that we’re now in the final 4 hours of the telethon and discovers that Rebecca Donaldson has gone home to get some sleep.

    Ordinarily, I’d cite this as a dick move on her part, leaving her co-host out to dry, but I can’t fault her for wanting to get the hell out of Dodge…

    Jesse tries to hold the broadcast together while Michelle sings the alphabet to a cheering audience.

    Who the hell is cheering for that? Is the telethon audience populated with moronic simpletons?

    Mr. Strowbridge make an inelegant entrance and frantically exclaims that Mike Love from the Beach Boys has come by to help out.

    Maybe I’m downplaying the popularity and appeal of the Beach Boys, but I doubt the appearance of any one musician could singlehandedly raise 40K for a telethon, even back then.


  2. Me says:

    What a great blog site. So fun to read!! To quote you on your Season 3 telethon analysis of the studio audience, ““Who the fuck watched this shitty show? So here they are, the assholes responsible for this shows inexplicably high ratings…” I feel an obligation to point out that the guy in the front row wearing white is Kimmie Gibbler’s brother in real life. 😉

    p.s. When do you get your shirts in, there are a few of us who want one!


  3. tannerfanatic says:

    this blog really makes my whole life. i know everything about full house, its kind of disgusting. i can pretty much answer any trivia question thrown my way, and i even made a pilgrimage to the actual full house in san francisco. though i do love the show, i realize it sucks. one of the many inconsistencies that plagues the plot lines of this show is set up in this episode–rebecca donaldson is a good enough singer to entertain on live tv, yet when it comes to singing to nicky & alex in a couple of seasons, she is so tone-deaf it drives uncle jesse insane.


  4. Scott says:

    Boy, that’s quite the diverse studio audience.

    Also, while I’m well aware that the half dead corpses of the Beach Boys are no stranger to the full house, I have to wonder what the other ‘Boys have to say about Mike Love showing up yet again to further shit on their legacy. Seriously, wasn’t there a car show or county fair he could have appeared at instead of this?


    • Santanaonfire says:

      “Shouldn’t there be a director or an ambitious boom operator or something to deal with these kinds of situations?”

      I was seriously so close to spit-taking my cabernet at this line.


  5. Mandie says:

    there’s no way you’re single. right?


  6. bri says:

    Your blog has now been linked on both TheDailyWhat AND Funnyordie! Congrats, man. Who woulda thunk that a blog making fun of Full House would become such a success? I wish you fame and fortune for this mess of awesomeness.


  7. bri says:

    Also, I had to watch this episode. I’ve downloaded and watched 5 or 6 of the episodes that just sounded especially bad, plus the one you were geeking out about…

    So in the pre-credits gag, they did such a bad job of splicing the scene in where the baby says her full name… not only did they suddenly zoom in really close on her for her to say it, but she’s not even remotely ready to talk before the splice and is looking off in the distance, AND the background is totally different. Jesus. They didn’t even TRY on this show.

    Also in the gag, Danny tells Michelle that he booked back-to-back tap dancers. I guess he had other acts, but they only had 22 minutes and decided to only show the highlights – aka the horrible Tanner family… and… the cheerleaders? Why aren’t they at least the cheerleaders for the 49ers? Aren’t they in SF?

    Mike Love could’ve at least had the decency to actually sing, rather than lip sync. wtf is that shit. Kimmy Gibbler was easily the best act. DJ was easily the most painful to watch.

    In conclusion, worst. telethon. ever.


  8. Eliza says:

    They shoot horses, don’t they?


  9. weee says:

    the screenshot of the studio audience… oh, that’s excellent. seriously.


    • Santanaonfire says:

      It seriously is. That was a funny ass screen-cap/line.


      • Sarah Portland says:

        The woman on the far left is aware of what shit this show is. What’s more, she’s aware of the meta-shit of shitty-show-within-a-shitty-show. That woman reads Full House Reviewed.


      • JohnMo says:

        If you watch the whole episode, that lady is nonplussed the entire time. The first time they show the audience, she is just basically sitting there while the rest of the audience is going nuts, I had to rewind that and watch it a few times.


  10. Taylor Kerekes says:

    You know, just watching THEIR telethon reach their money goal toward the end now makes me feel even worse for the Muppets in the new Muppet movie for being way behind in trying to reach their (the Muppets’) money goal for the telethon that they (the Muppets) threw. I really mean that. 😦

    (Although, to be fair, I found out that in the original ending of that movie, the Muppets had actually reached their money goal with a little help from a reformed Statler and Waldorf.)


  11. Lisa says:

    A live audience for a 24-hour telethon? That sounds pretty irresponsible.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Santanaonfire says:

      Seriously. And it would seem that the kids are up for 24 hours straight – including Michelle – participating in the thing? WTF?


      • Mr.bearlythere says:

        Actually, Billy didn’t mention it but the kids go home, sleep and come back during the telethon.


  12. Santanaonfire says:

    “Shouldn’t there be a director or an ambitious boom operator or something to deal with these kinds of situations?”

    This. This, right here.

    Reading this whole recap – I don’t remember this episode – made me realize that my roommate all though college WAS Danny Tanner. I’m not even kidding. He was 6’5″, dark hair, deep voice. He ALWAYS got compared to Bob Sagat. Always.

    He was also a communications major at the Walter Chronkite (sp?) Shcool of Broadcasting at Arizona State. He started a morning radio show called Good Morning Sundevils – the first of its kind – and on which I was co-host.(my god I hope I was Jesse at least and not Joey. Pretty sure I was Jesse – long hair, rock and roll interest… whew!). I SWEAR TO FUCKING GOD THIS IS TRUE.

    What I never realized is that he wasn’t Bob Sagat, he was Danny Tanner. He was even a little square like that – though he loosened up later.

    Billy, thanks for a great, hilarious and inspired blog. Approximately one season to go until I am caught up.


  13. Frank says:

    And is “Janie’s Got a Gun” really the best song choice for a telethon to prevent child abuse?

    Liked by 2 people

  14. The Venerable Bede says:

    Oh shit, I remember that steaming pile of crap that was DJ’s candy song sung to Michelle! I just had to YouTube it and seriously? SERIOUSLY? That stupid baby isn’t even looking at DJ the entire time, she keeps looking off the side for cues, BUT YOU DON’T NEED ANY CUES, YOU JUST NEED TO SIT THERE, SMILE, AND LOOK AT DJ, YOU MORON. Also, I’m gonna call out DJ as an enabler in this scene, because we’ve already seen that Michelle’s diet consists entirely of sweets, and now she’s being SUNG to about them? Seriously, DJ, get your shit together.


    • Penny says:

      That “Lollipops And Gumdrops” routine was ninety seconds of the most sickly-sweet crap ever. This may just be my pick for worst episode ever, as I could never sit through it a second time.


    • Jen says:

      You’d think since she’s such a big Milli Vanilli fan, that she’d be better at lip synching.


  15. Bridget says:

    I read about an 85 year old woman who slept through a car going through her house and she was only 20 feet from the carnage. I also read about the boy who slept through the sinking of the Titanic. If anyone is tired enough, they will sleep through anything!


  16. Bridget says:

    I was on the topic of Danny falling asleep during the telethon. As for Michelle and candy, the kid was willing to drop $221.00 on candy after she sold a bunch of lemonade. She didn’t want to put it in the bank at all. The most I spent on candy was $60.00 for Trick or Treat and we got very few kids that day! Her moronic uncle suggested she drop the bundle on the candy without even asking how much she made!


  17. Those audience members really do look like a bunch of assholes. What a craptastic season finale. Looking forward to reading more of the same in Season 4. I’ll catch up eventually, and when I do so help me….

    Liked by 1 person

  18. Kenny says:

    LMAO The audience reminds me of the AMFV audience back when incredibly unfunny pain in the ass Sagat hosted it his voiceovers were ALWAYS horrible and made the videos even lamer then they already were they were never funny thanks to his dumbass.

    Then on every episode of AMFV they always showed shots of the audience laughing at the videos and it was the most forced FAKE laughter I ever saw with my own 2 eyes.

    Its hilarious how everything on that show looked staged from Bobs always boring and extremely dull unfunny entrances to his incredibly awkward and forced audience chats.

    Seriously find videos of the old AMFV and watch the audiences laughter watch their reactions those fuckers were paid to laugh or somefin no way in hell were they genuinely laughing at any of that stupid shit.


  19. Mary says:

    Ugh…..every time, to this day, that I hear the song, “What I Did For Love”, including when someone sang it for our big spring concert, I think of Danny Tanner and Rebecca Donaldson singing it on the telethon from hell, and I always want to sing, “Point me towards the exit…” Damned corny shit, stuck in my mind for all eternity….


  20. Aynsleygirl says:

    Anyone else notice that Becky is suposed to be singing on live TV here and yet ina Couple seasons Jesse gets on her about being a horrifying singer when she tries to sing a lulaby to the twins?


  21. Alison says:

    I want to know just where the heck DJ found a shopping cart full of giant lollipops and a music track of some song I’ve never heard of in a moments notice.


  22. LORIMAR-Telepictures says:

    Where did the money go? If I had a sick kid, and these subhuman pieces of shit (save the lil’ Princess) were “raising money” for my kid, I’d turn to some alternative medicine as a last resort.


  23. everlastinghobnocker says:

    Don’t be disappointed in the B-52s. Stephanie’s tape was just some cheesy cover band. :/


  24. everlastinghobnocker says:

    Ugh. Love Shack performed by some cheesy cover band…


  25. CanOx says:

    Shouldn’t the whole band be as tired as Danny? they stayed up as long as he did and played music


  26. Chris Cavanaugh says:

    This is one of my all-time favorite episodes. It really highlights the mindlessness of this show. I like to get medicated and watch this episode backwards. It makes it seem like they had a bunch of money at the beginning and spent it all on the performing acts and are left with $0. It works because Danny is totally freaking out in the beginning, as if they had lost all of the money raised. A small correction, Gibbler’s mother pledged $200, not $100. DJ’s candy song is a good soundtrack for torture. If you had someone strapped to a gurney in a dark room and had it playing 24 hours a day, it would probably get them to confess. A fun thing to do is to call the customer service department at ABC and ask if you can still donate to Telethon 90. This episode will never get old. One of the best ever.


  27. Yul Brenner says:

    Becky in lingerie will always be my lasting memory of this episode.


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