Season 4, Episode 1, “Greek Week”

Pre-Credits Gag:  Jesse prepares the girls for the arrival of his Greek grandparents by teaching them a Greek greeting but the baby refuses to pay homage to her lineage.  Once again we have a pre-credits gag that sets up the premise for the episode, which in this case brings us just what we’ve all been asking for:  more fucking grandparents.

Now that the girls are all considerably older and the show has survived about 3 times longer than anyone could have possibly imagined, it seems that the producers finally felt that it was necessary to shell out the cash for some new opening-credits footage.   Everyone gets a new shot for their credit and the girls get these montages that chronicle the decline of their cuteness since the show began.

The theme song’s still the same and even though pretty much all the the footage is new, it’s so much like the old opener that you could easily fail to notice it.  All that matters to me is that, even though we have a new credit shot of Rebecca Donaldson, it still starts with her bending over and showing us her ass.  It’s like, just this once, Full House did me a solid.

Jesse rounds everybody up to go pick his grandparents up from the airport but then it turns out that they got in early and are arriving at the full house this very minute.  How convenient!  You know, I really thought for sure that last time that Full House had thrown in the towel on grandparents, but for whatever reason they decided to make one more tired ass effort.

I won’t bother to get into it here (but you can read a brief history of Full House’s many half-assed attempts to initiate grandparents into the series in this old review), but suffice to say that it’s an idea that hasn’t worked out on this show too many times already and if I hadn’t already watched like 70 episodes of this shitty garbage I’d be pretty shocked that they took another whack at it.

So anyway, Jesse’s grandparents are basically just some cardboard cut-out Greek stereotypes and they greet everyone with their kooky accents and their old-world customs.  While they’re being introduced to everyone they’re kind of perplexed by who the fuck Joey is and Stephanie explains, “he lives in the garage and he’s a comedian.”  Yeah, I guess that’s about as well as you can explain it.

The great-grandparents are visiting to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary and they announce upon arrival that they’ve brought a whole bunch of people with them.  Man, I don’t care how old or revered you are, you show up at my house with the squadrons unannounced like that then you better call up the YMCA.  The full house already has too many goddamn people in it.

So they introduce Michelle’s identical cousin, which is another lame excuse to get both of the Olson twins onscreen at once (this being the first time it happens outside of a dream sequence).  They also show up with this kid named Silvio, who immediately starts macking super hard on DJ.  DJ is all into him and then she asks the great-grandparents if they’re related and when they clarify they they’re not she invites Silvio up to her room for some heavy petting.  That’s another one of those examples where wholesome family entertainment manages to offer up some extremely disturbing content.

Silvio’s older sister, Elena, also shows up and she’s all up on Jesse, who she apparently has some history with.  Naturally, Rebecca Donaldson shows up the minute Elena starts rubbing up on Jesse’s schlong and then Jesse and Rebecca Donaldson have the same fight they have every time they’re both onscreen.

The Olsen twins share a scene where they both stand around making faces and looking around for their next cue and then Joey comes in and sings the theme song to the Patty Duke Show, which I‘m sure had both Patty and Cathy bowing their heads in shame.

Elena makes Jesse a bunch of food while pushing her titties all up in his face while Rebecca Donaldson stands around getting more and more pissed off.  Meanwhile, Stephanie teaches her great-grandmother to vogue in a scene that is both extremely dated and embarrassing to watch.

Danny gets all worked up because some foreign kid that his children’s distant relatives showed up on his doorstep with is desperately trying to fuck his daughter so he starts looking around for them and finds them cavorting in the backyard.  Danny breaks up their party and then when Silvio goes on and on about what a hot piece of ass DJ is, Danny just says, “she’s ok,” in a kind of odd, off-kilter moment that I’ve come to not expect at all from this show.

Elena keeps doing Jesse’s laundry and exposing him to the subservient traditions of women from the old country while Rebecca Donaldson does her best to keep up.  If Rebecca Donaldson was really smart she’d just pay someone to do Jesse’s laundry, because that’s how a modern independent woman handle her business in the good ol’ U.S. of A.  Meanwhile, Joey enters the kitchen with the Olsen twins in matching outfits and there are a few more stilted moments of the 2 of them interacting.

Silvio enters the kitchen with DJ and asks for Danny’s permission to walk around the table with her and Danny says he doesn’t give a shit.  They begin a slow progression around the table while Jesse has a vague recollection of performing the same ritual with Elena in his youth and then it is revealed that walking around the table is a marriage ritual in whatever cartoon rendition of Greece these people come from.  So, yeah, even though they haven’t seen each other in a bunch of years and it’s based on some unexplained and completely esoteric tradition, Jesse and Elena have been married all this time and now DJ and Silvio are married, too.  Well, shit.  That’s strike 2 for these great-grandparents if you ask me.  First they show up with a bunch of uninvited weirdoes from some backwoods part of Greece and then they all start sexually harassing the Tanner family and tricking them into involuntary marriage ceremonies.  The follow-up to all this is your typical, “how are we gonna get out of this wacky situation” premise but if you ask me this can all be resolved pretty damn quick:  throw those fucking people out of the full house.

Joey revels in everyone’s misery by doing an impression of the host of the Newlywed Game and throwing rice and he seems even smarmier and more scathingly obnoxious than ever.  Danny takes Silvio and DJ into the living room to explain what’s what about their bullshit marriage and Silvio declares that after Danny dies he will take over the family trade of hosting a talk show, to which Danny replies, “I will never die,” in another weird, actually unexpected kind of a joke.  It seems like Danny Tanner is struggling to have some kind of a personality in Season 4.

With no regard to premise or pacing, we’re late enough into the episode that they might as well cut to the grandparents anniversary party.  I have no idea who all those guests in the background are supposed to be… the only people I was actually expected to see were the discarded-grandparents-before-last, Jesse’s parents, one of whom would have to be the offspring of these great-grandparents but, naturally, no one bothered to make that happen.  Everyone does some traditional Greek dances for a while and then Rebecca Donaldson shows up and gets mad yet again and smashes a plate.  Joey, sensing a new opportunity to be obnoxious, interprets this as another Greek tradition and smashes some plates, too, as does everyone else.  Does anyone know if any of these tv Greek traditions are at all grounded in reality?  I saw the plate smashing thing on an episode of Three’s Company one time so I’m willing to bet that it’s real but there’s no way I’m buying that walking around the table shit.

Jesse finally takes Rebecca Donaldson and Elena aside and explains that Rebecca Donaldson is his woman and that the whole situation is a bunch of nonsense.  Why he didn’t do this in the first place is totally beyond me but at least the resolution is somewhat logical.

Danny and Rebecca Donaldson insist that the great-grandparents void both of the marriages and their request is granted.  Again, I don’t know why these non-compliant, old-world traditional marriage rituals are treated with enough regard that they need to be undone but regardless, everyone walks backwards around the table and things go back to normal.

Now that that’s all straightened out, the great-grandparents call for everyone’s attention and deliver a speech about their undying love for each other after 50 years of marriage while the music comes on.  Wait, what?  I know that every touching moment on this show is totally forced but who the fuck even are these people?  I don’t even know if they have names and all they did was show up and fuck up everyone’s shit for 22 minutes with their bizarre customs and unannounced guests and now I’m supposed to get all choked up about their love for each other?  Nonsense.

Regardless of my icy heart, Jesse is so moved by the great-grandparents old people love that he decides to propose marriage to Rebecca Donaldson and she says yes.  I guess now that Season 3 is over the coast is clear and something can actually fucking happen on this show.  Jesse and Rebecca Donaldson announce their engagement and everyone dances around and I really seriously hope that’s the last time we’ll see any grandparents on this fucking show.

Firsts:  Both Olsen twins onscreen (not in a dream sequence), Jesse’s Greek grandparents