Season 4, Episode 6, “A Pinch for a Pinch”

Pre-Credits Gag:  Joey teaches Michelle how to play “house hockey” and she scores a goal on him.  Up to this point, Michelle’s line deliveries have all been pretty clearly prompted by an off-screen baby-wrangler, so she always had a sort of blank-stare, confused delivery, but by now she has a developed cadence that makes her about 10 times more obnoxious than she was before.  Her every delivery is as drawn-out and bratty as humanly possible, and I must once again ask you, the reader, if it really is wrong to want to punch a little girl in the face.  Seriously, this kid is the exception that makes the rule of, “never punch a little girl in the face.”  Exclusively in this one unique case, I’m sure it would be ok.

Danny brings in the paper after walking the dog before going to work while Jesse sits around in his bathrobe, contributing nothing.  Rebecca Donaldson come over to meet Danny for work and OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO HER HAIR!??!

I guess she likes to stick her head out the window during her morning drive to the full house.  Anyway, she and Danny take off and then Joey enters the kitchen to tell Jesse that he has to take an emergency trip to the dentist so he needs Jesse to fill in for him as the parent helper at Michelle’s preschool.  Jesse flat out refuses, saying that this is his “one free morning,” which is pretty hard to believe considering that Jesse is unemployed and has no clears goals in life.  He also conveys a really shitty attitude towards the preschool classroom in general, displaying a disdain for children that has never been seen in the last 3 years of this show.  Since when does Jesse hates kids so much?  I know that he is terrible at taking care of them, but this newfound contempt is clearly being pulled out of nowhere to service yet another half-baked storyline.

Joey combats Jesse’s animosity by having Michelle come in and put on a big show about how sad she’ll be if Jesse doesn’t come to her class.  She finally convinces him by making a hideous face that is supposed to break down his curmudgeonly stance even though it actually totally justifies it.

Seriously, if that’s not a face that’s hunchin’ for a punchin’, I don’t know what is.

DJ and Kimmie Gibbler actually acknowledge the storyline from the previous episode by giving Stephanie a copy of their school newspaper.  This attention to continuity actually made me really uneasy until it was immediately disserviced by Kimmie Gibbler endorsing her horoscope column after being assigned the gossip column last episode.  Phew!

Stephanie makes a really mind-blowing wisecrack when she responds to the column with, “horoscope?  What’s that, Kimmie?  A telescope that can only see your face?”  Get it?  Whore-o-scope.  Dang, that’s a pretty racy joke for this show…

Anyway, the girls read Stephanie her whore-o-scope and the beginning of it immediately comes true, leading her to wonder if the rest will, too.

Before bringing Michelle to class, Jesse once again clarifies that he thinks preschool sucks dick and will be a real sourball about helping out all day.  Incidentally, isn’t it kind of weird that Michelle has the same exact preschool classroom from last season?  Why isn’t she in Kindergarten by now?

Anyway, Jesse maintains his outlandish and totally unnecessary negativity while being forced to play music for the kids.  After being referred to as “Uncle Doofus” by Michelle’s previously established classmate, Aaron Bailey (he was in her preschool class a year ago), Jesse does an Elvis-styled rendition of “The Farmer in the Dell” for about 15 seconds before refusing to play the kids any more songs.  Seriously, if I was the teacher, I’d prefer no help over this guy, although I’d say the same thing if I was Danny Tanner and that sure hasn’t yielded any results.  Next, the teacher assigns Jesse to hand out animal crackers, because I guess this classroom has no enriching activities whatsoever, just poorly-devised entertainment, followed by snacks.

Jesse is quickly frustrated and overwhelmed by the dispensing of snacks, so much so that he is unaware when Aaron jacks Michelle for her elephant cracker.  When Michelle reports the problem to Jesse, he says that when somebody does something shitty to you, you should do it back to them, so she ought to steal his cracker in return.  Michelle confronts Aaron, armed with her newly established Old Testament code of ethics, which results in a riveting battle of pinches.  That’s right, Aaron Bailey, you pinch that rotten child!  Pinch her, and then PUNCH HER IN THE FACE!!!

Sadly, the fight is broken up by the teacher before Aaron has a chance to punch Michelle in the face.  Foiled again!  The teacher makes both the kids sit in the corner and asks Jesse what his fucking problem is that he would instigate a fight between a couple of 4 year olds.  Jesse refuses to admit that he was wrong and the argument escalates until Jesse finally grabs Michelle and declares that he doesn’t want her to go to that school anymore.  Wait, what!??!

While Danny and Rebecca Donaldson kick it old school in the living room, Joey comes home and does a lame post-dental-visit slurred speech about what happened to him, complete with an impression of a drill.  They really milk it when he answers the phone and has an unintelligible conversation that’s supposed to showcase his comedic prowess.  I’m not making a joke when I say that I wish Joey would die.  I really, honestly do.  I wish he would die.

Jesse comes home with Michelle after taking her to the zoo and Danny’s like, what the fuck?  Jesse totally unapologetically admits that he pulled her out of preschool and says he plans to educate her through exposing her to real-world experiences, which, understandably, makes Danny super pissed.  Jesse refuses to see the error in his methods and questions his role in the full house, which seems like the perfect opportunity for Danny to finally realize that these 2 shitheads are doing irreparable damage to his children’s psyches and he really needs to throw them out.

Joey delivers some more excruciating physical comedy, proving that undergoing a root canal procedure is in fact more enjoyable than watching Joey make jokes about having had one.  Stephanie comes home and goes on about how her whore-o-scope has thus far come true, creating a sense of dread and unease within her feeble psyche.  She goes upstairs and shares her distress with DJ and Kimmie Gibbler, who admits that she just copied the horoscope out of an old newspaper so it’s all a bunch of bullshit.  Wow, what a great subplot that was!

Michelle enters the room and enforces prison rules when she pinches Stephanie for borrowing her clown lamp.  Jesse witnesses the tyrannical behavior that his incompetent teachings have wrought and decides to have a heartwarming talk with her.

Jesse admits to Michelle that he was “a big jerk” and that he handled the problems of his youth through fighting and only now sees the error behind it.  He instructs her to try to solve her problems with words, and if that doesn’t work she should tell a grown-up.  But… she did tell a grown-up…  that’s how this whole mess got started.  Maybe he should be more specific, like, tell a grown-up that isn’t a fucking idiot.  Anyway, once that’s all cleared up, Danny enters the scene and says that he did damage control with the teacher so Michelle can go back to school.  He asks Michelle what she’s learned and she says, “Uncle Jesse’s a big jerk.”  Dang, it’s too bad Jesse just learned such a valuable lesson, because if this had been an earlier incident he just might have punched her in the face…

So many wasted opportunities…