Season 4, Episode 9, “One Last Kiss”

Pre-Credits Gag:  Stephanie prepares a meatloaf cake with cheese frosting for Comet’s birthday.  Danny says that having a birthday party for the dog is fucking ridiculous but then he agrees to take Comet out later so they can throw him a surprise party.  Michelle schemes on the cake and then realizes that it’s a gross cake for dogs.  This is another example of a pre-credits gag that ties into the rest of the story and isn’t so much a quick throwaway gag as it is the first minute of the episode.  I’m not sure why the pre-credits gags have been playing out this way more often…  maybe this format is sort of petering out as the show progresses?  I wonder if the pre-credits gags won’t disappear altogether as the series goes on?

This episode opens as so many do, with Jesse practicing his guitar.  As he rehearses, “My Sharona,” Joey comes in wearing what just might be his most ridiculous sweater ever and ruins Jesse’s practice with an overextended air guitar routine.

The Uncles discuss the premise of the episode, which is that Jesse’s going to his 10-year high school reunion.  Just as he makes his way out the door, the phone rings and a sexy voice sings, “Muskrat Love” on his answering machine.  Jesse explains that the message was left by his old high school girlfriend, Carrie, and then he proceeds to reminisce about what an amazing piece of ass she was until Joey brings him back to his senses by pulling out a really scary looking photo of Rebecca Donaldson.

Jesse worries that he won’t be able to keep his dick in his pants when he sees Carrie and tries to convince Rebecca Donaldson to go to the reunion with him.  Rebecca Donaldson says she can’t because DJ and Kimmie Gibbler are coming to the station to watch her work as research for the school newspaper.  I have to say that I’m pretty impressed that the school newspaper storyline has actually stuck around for this long.  I can’t think of how many storylines, relationships or character traits have been picked up for a single episode and never mentioned again.

Danny brings Comet home for his surprise birthday party, which is attended by all of the neighborhood dogs.  I have to give the show at least a little credit on account of dogs in party hats are automatically hilarious, but my sentiment is quickly spoiled when Joey comes out and sings “Rappy Rirthday” in a lame dog voice.  Way to almost be endearing for about 5 seconds, Full House.

Jesse shows up at his high school reunion and catches up with people for about 10 seconds before he has to go up on stage and perform with his crappy high school band, “Discipline Problem”.  Jesse’s relationships with his friends from high school are even less developed than Comets’ friendships with the dogs at his party, although I did find it remarkable that one of his band mates is played by Roger Lodge, who was the host of Blind Date, one of the greatest guilty-pleasure tv shows of all time.

The band launch into a rousing performance of “My Sharona” without tuning their instruments or bothering to play catch-ups even though they haven’t seen each other in 10 years.  Regardless of their total lack of preparation, the performance goes surprisingly well until Carrie shows up with her big ol’ titties and stops the band cold.

Carrie is played by Erika Eleniak, who would later go on to star on Baywatch and show her titties in that Steven Seagal movie.  Jesse tries to keep things casual but the band starts playing “Muskrat Love” and he is coerced into a slow dance.  Apparently Carrie has been in Europe since they graduated but is back now and all hot for his schlong, but Jesse tries to be a good guy and makes a point of mentioning that he’s engaged.  Carrie doesn’t really give a shit that he’s engaged and begins reminiscing until a flashback occurs.

10 years ago, Jesse had even longer, more embarrassing hair than he did in Season 1.  Just before graduation, Carrie was offered a modeling career in Paris and Jesse got all pissed that she wasn’t going to dedicate her life to hanging out with him and touring with his crappy band.  They realized that they couldn’t stay together while pursuing their individual dreams but agreed to rekindle their love when the time was right.

Back in the present, (and by “present” I mean 1990) Carrie’s like, “come on, Jesse, for reals, give it to me” and then he runs away.  Dang, he was at his high school reunion for like 6 minutes.  He didn’t even get to experience the cathartic joy of finding out who got fat…

Back at the full house, the rest of the family are at a loss to find the last of the dog guests, Sparky.  The scene switches over to Michelle’s room, where she is secretly holding Sparky, having reclaimed him as her own and renamed him, “Penis.”  I’ll tell you something:  I have vivid memories of seeing this episode as a kid, but I had no recollection of the high school reunion premise at all, and didn’t even know if I’d ever seen this one before this particular moment came up.  But I will never in my life forget being a kid and being totally convinced that Michelle renamed that dog, “Penis.”  To be fair, I’m almost certain that she’s calling him, “Peanut,” but it sure as shit sounds like she’s saying “Penis.”  It really does.  So much so that I have to wonder why the director didn’t change the dogs name to something that didn’t so clearly sound like “Penis” when that Olsen twin said it.  Seriously, I’m not joking around.  It really sounds like she’s calling that dog, “Penis.”

Anyway, DJ discovers Penis stashed in Michelle’s room and makes her give him back.

Jesse comes home and tells Danny that he’s all freaked out because he’s engaged to Rebecca Donaldson but he can’t stop thinking about Carrie’s big ol’ titties.  As Danny rambles inanely about laundry, Carrie shows up and asks Jesse if he’ll come outside so they can “talk”.  I wonder how she got all his personal information, especially after having no contact with him at all for 10 years.  It’s weird enough that she had his phone number, but what I really wanna know is how she got his address.

So they go out to the porch and Carrie’s all, “Jesse, I need it real bad” and he’s like, “aw geez… I don’t know… aw, shucks…” and then she kisses him to test his feelings.  This scene’s kind of great because you can really see the struggle going on inside of Uncle Jesse.  How can a man choose between Carrie’s big ol’ titties and Rebecca Donaldson’s hot ass?  Titties vs. butts is a struggle that has torn apart better men than Uncle Jesse.  Ultimately, obviously, he sticks with Rebecca Donaldson, and I think the reasons are pretty obvious:  Jesse is a worthless parasite, and his top priority in any relationship is being able to mercilessly sponge off of the other person.  Think about it-his whole livelihood is provided for by Danny, and he’s even found ways to profit off of Joey, which is like squeezing fucking blood from a stone.  Since he’s getting older and his shitty band is never going to earn him a dollar, he really needs to make sure that the woman he marries is prepared to provide for him long-term.  Now that she’s 28, Carrie’s probably returned to the States because she’s retired from modeling, whereas Rebecca Donaldson’s gig on Wake Up, San Francisco could go on for decades.  Rebecca Donaldson is totally the safer bet.

But maybe I’m reading too much into this, and the true answer is the most obvious:  maybe Jesse just got weirded out by Carrie’s freaky eyebrow.  Seriously, look at that thing.  Her eyebrows are clearly styled, so for some reason she chose to have her right eyebrow extend way over, so she’s got like half a uni-brow.  That is a clear sign of mental illness, and it’s enough to make any man go running back to Rebecca Donaldson’s supple, emotionally-stable ass, which is just what Jesse does.

Jesse tells Rebecca Donaldson all about everything that happens and she gets kinda mad but then the music comes on and he says that all that getting his boner rubbed on by that big titty girl did was make him realize how excited he is about getting married to Rebecca Donaldson.  Then they kiss and say, “have mercy” and I can’t help but wonder if Uncle Jesse isn’t the craftiest human manipulator that ever walked the planet.

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44 Responses to Season 4, Episode 9, “One Last Kiss”

  1. Teebore says:

    I actually managed to somehow rewatch this episode again. It was airing on one of the several channels that still rerun Full House, and I couldn’t look away…

    I’m not sure why the pre-credits gags have been playing out this way more often

    Maybe it’s because the writers are just coming up with so much great story material they need every minute of air time possible to show it? No? I didn’t think so either…

    Rebecca Donaldson says she can’t because DJ and Kimmie Gibbler are coming to the station to watch her work as research for the school newspaper.

    Doesn’t she work for a morning show? Is Jersey’s reunion during the day (hella lame)? Even if Rebecca Donaldson goes to work hell-ass early (which most morning show people do), I doubt it’s so early it would conflict with Jersey’s (hopefully) evening reunion.

    which is attended by all of the neighborhood dogs.

    And none of their owners, apparently. All the extras budget must have gone to the dogs.

    Carrie is played by Erika Eleniak, who would later go on to star on Baywatch and show her titties in that Steven Seagal movie.

    And for that, we are eternally grateful. Also, I love that in every screencap you posted of her, she has the same longing, “come do me” look on her face.

    Titties vs. butts is a struggle that has torn apart better men than Uncle Jesse.

    It truly is the eternal struggle…

    he’s even found ways to profit off of Joey, which is like squeezing fucking blood from a stone.

    Ha! That one had me rolling.

    I can’t help but wonder if Uncle Jesse isn’t the craftiest human manipulator that ever walked the planet.

    Maybe that’s why he’s the only character on this show who’s even slightly watchable?

    Like

  2. Isabelle says:

    It’s amazing to see how the storyline is poor ! Maybe they considered the show aimed at kids and thought coherence wasn’t the key-thing…

    Like

  3. Audrey says:

    That sure was a ridiculous sweater.

    Like

  4. Rebecca Donaldson is Ovulating says:

    That “cake” the middle terrorist is completing, makes me want to go find Jodie sweetin and vomit in her lap. Jesus fucking christ.

    Like

  5. Suzanne says:

    “…until Joey brings him back to his senses by pulling out a really scary looking photo of Rebecca Donaldson.”

    The only picture Jersey has of Rebecca Donaldson is a discarded head shot that makes it look like she has no lower body?

    “Anyway, DJ discovers Penis stashed in Michelle’s room …”

    I’m crying now.

    Like

  6. Sam says:

    “Anyway, DJ discovers Penis stashed in Michelle’s room and makes her give him back.

    Fucking genius. I laughed out loud, in public; people probably think I’m losing my shit.

    Like

  7. bri says:

    wasn’t there just a reunion episode not too long ago? wtf?

    “I have to say that I’m pretty impressed that the school newspaper storyline has actually stuck around for this long.”
    God, this show really does make you appreciate the negligent things that we take for granted in every decent show…

    “I have to give the show at least a little credit on account of dogs in party hats are automatically hilarious”
    This is most excellent, because it strongly implies that you were high out of your mind while watching this.

    “Jesse’s relationships with his friends from high school are even less developed than Comets’ friendships with the dogs at his party,”
    This made me lol. Well done.

    “although I did find it remarkable that one of his band mates is played by Roger Lodge, who was the host of Blind Date, one of the greatest guilty-pleasure tv shows of all time.”
    OMG ROGER LODGE!! I used to love that show, and I have no idea why… heyyyy that sounds familiar…

    “her big ol’ titties and stops the band cold.”
    They’re bigger than her head! It’s always shocking to note when Full House just comes outta left field with something totally inappropriate for the good morals it tries to force feed…

    Hey, didn’t that dude from Charles in Charge go to Jesse’s high school? I bet he wasn’t in this episode, huh?

    “So much so that I have to wonder why the director didn’t change the dogs name to something that didn’t so clearly sound like “Penis” when that Olsen twin said it. Seriously, I’m not joking around. It really sounds like she’s calling that dog, “Penis.””
    Why are you at all surprised at this point by Full House trying to push that every girl just needs a good schlong? PS: I lol’d at this entire paragraph.

    Like

  8. bri says:

    Okay sorry for the double post, but I had to watch this episode… and wtf is up with that reunion? Can you imagine going to your ten year reunion and telling everyone you’re happily engaged, and them reacting by doing everything in their power to push you back together with your high school ex? That could seriously be like, the most awkward situation EVER.

    Also, nice consistency with how they first talk about Jesse being a human love machine and acting so shocked and amazed that he’s engaged… but then the flashback shows him to be just as love-stricken as ever, having his heart broken by the hot chick.

    God, and the worst thing is how he’s supposed to be the badass version of himself, but the most badass thing he does is drive his motorcycle into the school, on the day before graduation where no punishment can be given. And then he cries over this chick leaving. How hard can this show fail at making Jesse out to be a badass party dude? Under the leather jacket, his outfit is as lame and dad-ish as ever, too.

    Finally, Becky’s reaction to Jesse recounting what happened with Carrie actually made me smile. That’s definitely a rarity for this trash heap of a show…

    Oh. AND HER EYEBROW(S) IS HELLA FREAKY, MAN.

    Like

  9. Shawna says:

    I thought Jesse didn’t graduate from high school!

    Like

    • Yeah, that’s true! Should you be allowed to go to a reunion if you didn’t graduate?

      Like

      • Sarah Portland says:

        Nope. My grandfather joined the Navy during WWII, and didn’t graduate, but he always went because my grandmother got her invitation. Maybe he got in because he was “with the band”? Or, maybe it’s because the writers were so high on cough medicine that they couldn’t recall what they had written earlier.

        Like

  10. Jeff says:

    I laughed for like 5 minutes about the dog’s name being Penis.

    Like

  11. Zozo says:

    Erica Eleniak also went on to play Ellie May Clampett in the 1992 movie version of “The Beverly Hillbillies”.

    Like

  12. Lisa says:

    I normally don’t write posts solely for the purpose of telling you how funny this blog is (which it is, obv) but I literally had to wipe away tears before continuing on after reading about “Penis the Dog.” Hilarious. Especially because I 100% heard her call him Penis too.

    Like

  13. lillian fitzroy says:

    I will have fucking nightmares about those god damn fucking eyebrows! she looks like oscar the motherloven grouwtch. I will never be the same again!

    Like

  14. I’m impressed that Stephanie was able to bake two huge meat loaf cakes.

    Dude, that picture of Rebecca Donaldson is scary. She might as well be waving her finger at Jesse in it. It’s the physical manifestation of the mental image one gets of their most revered loved one’s most disapproving look when one is about to do something very, very naughty.

    Good eye on catching Rodge Lodge! I loved Blind Date and so did my college behavioral/cognitive psych professor! Did that show get cancelled or what, I would watch it if I knew where to find it.

    Holy Erika Eleniak! Rebecca Donaldson is fine, but now I’m conflicted and see what a conundrum Jesse is in. I hope he brought that picture along with him, he’s going to need it to tame the boner he’s about to get!

    (Side note – only in the ’90’s would a girl keep her eyebrows that thick)

    Speaking of 10 year reunions – had mine a couple of years ago (class of 2000). I was not one of the “got fat” ones. In fact, I wore the tightest pants I had, and they were pretty tight.

    “Anyway, DJ discovers Penis stashed in Michelle’s room and makes her give him back.”

    BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
    DJ wishes it was her room she found it in.

    “Titties vs. butts is a struggle that has torn apart better men than Uncle Jesse.”

    Truer words have never been said. You are wise, my friend. Even when compared to Jesus.

    “But maybe I’m reading too much into this, and the true answer is the most obvious: maybe Jesse just got weirded out by Carrie’s freaky eyebrow.”

    Oop, aaaaand there’s the eyebrow comment. Good job, sorry I doubted you.

    Like

  15. kp199 says:

    Carrie’s eyebrows drive me fucking mad every time I see this episode on TV. Not cute.

    And that is one scary as fuck picture of Becky. It’s like she’s looking into Jesse’s soul.

    Like

  16. JordanRae17 says:

    So let me get this straight. Not that long ago, Danny and Joey went to their 10 year fraternity reunion (well i guess we don’t know if they actually went or just crashed the sorority reunion but anyway) and Jesse now going to his 10 year high school reunion which means he has to be at least 4 if not 5 years younger than Danny and Joey. Yet in what i think was a season two episode with the flashbacks to young Joey and Danny becoming best friends, Jesse is also there and appears to be the same age. So, I know it’s unrealistic to ask for continuity from this dung heap of a show but could we at least get the ages of the characters right? maybe? especially if we’re making their adult milestones plot points.

    Like

  17. Katie Kaw says:

    Jessie’s ex-girl friend has a serious uni-brow in this episode.

    Like

  18. e_x_i_t says:

    All I remember about this episode is the dog birthday party and again even at age 8, I wondered where the fuck these dogs owners were and why on earth would they trust them at the Tanner residence. I mean considering Danny’s OCD disorder, you’d think he’d make them have the dog party in the back yard. I’m not even going to get started on them throwing a birthday party for a dog, let alone inviting all his dog friends over…..nope not going to touch this one.

    That head shot of Rebecca is priceless, if not just for how terrible shopped it is, then for that “Don’t you even fucking dare.” look on her face. If it were displayed in a fine art gallery, it would be captioned “Nobody fucks with Rebecca Donaldson.”

    Like

  19. smallwonderrobot says:

    for the record, according to wikipedia (natch), Roger Lodge was John Stamos’ roommate for eleven years.

    Like

  20. The Venerable Bede says:

    Wait, WHAT? How is it Jesse’s 10-year high school reunion?! Didn’t we learn in a previous episode that he dropped out of high school? Even if we’re led to believe that Jesse dropped out but then still graduated later, it wouldn’t be possible for his 10-year reunion to be this soon! He’s only 27! There’s no way he had time to drop out of school and then rejoin and still graduate at the age of 17!

    Like

  21. Pin a rose on your nose says:

    Is Rebecca Donaldson in the last screencap wearing the same outfit as in the photo of her?

    Like

    • Laura says:

      So true! I guess the Full House director was like, “You have to work on this one day, and by the way we’re taking a headshot of you. Don’t bother changing clothes, no one’ll notice. It’s Full House!”

      Like

    • Lisa says:

      I never noticed that! You are totally correct! This is getting more and more absurd. Oh Full House, I love you, but you make it so difficult to defend you …

      Like

  22. Megan says:

    Carrie Jesse’s old gf is hot . no im not a lesbian and i will never in be one but damm she’s fine but so is Becky . Becky to me is hotter than Carrie whoo!

    Like

  23. Claude says:

    Good lord, that sweater on Joey…he’s had some awful clothes before, but this sweater is downright creepy. Who thought it was a good idea? He looks like he’s being molested indefinitely by the residents of McDonaldland.

    Like

  24. Hello says:

    Geez you know you got some pretty messed up eyebrows when you have boobs like THAT and everyone is still commenting about your unibrow…lol

    Like

  25. John Q says:

    I’m actually kind of surprised they casted Erika Eleniak for this show because she had already appeared in Playboy about 3-4 times when this aired.

    Also she had already appeared on Baywatch when it was originally a network t.v. show in 1989. It was cancelled after that first season and was brought back in a direct to syndication format in 1991. She must have done this episode in between.

    Also it’s really silly to see her at a “10 year” reunion because she was only 21 when this was filmed.

    What kind of ridiculous reunion is this where ex students have to perform as the entertainment for the event?? And who goes to their 10 year reunion without their fiance?? Especially when the guy’s ex girl friend is this gorgeous super model???Ridiculous.

    And what’s so damn pressing about D.J.’s stupid newspaper assignment??

    If you notice D.J.’s posters move around her room all season. Sometimes Paula Abdul is behind the bed, sometimes it’s Janet Jackson & Paula Abdul. Sometimes it’s George Michael.

    And D.J. had a cool C.D. player stereo in the Viva Las Joey episode but now it’s back to the old record player??? What teenage girl would still have a record player in her room in 1990??

    The sub-plot about the dog birthday is equally ridiculous. I’ve often wondered how someone in a third world country watching this show views Americans? They must think we’re insane A-holes to have a dog birthday. No wonder they hate us. There’s millions of people starving to death on this planet and we have birthday parties for dogs.

    Like

    • Sid says:

      Thank you for mentioning the Playboy thing. I was becoming more and more amazed that no one had mentioned it up to this point. I was anticipating commenting on it when I got to the end of these comments though so fuck you for mentioning the Playboy thing.

      Like

      • John Q says:

        I guess thanks for the “thank you” and a question mark as to why you told me, “f-you”.

        Casting Erika Eleniak for this part was really odd for this show. This was a very G rated family type show that force fed it’s wholesome family BS all the time so casting a woman who had appeared in Playboy numerous times was certainly an unusual choice. And Eleniak was a centerfold and did numerous photo shoots and full frontal nudity, it’s not like she did a quick photo and that’s it.

        This is also right after she got her breast implants so the Full House people dressing her in that tight red dress which was bit shocking and uncharacteristically risque for this show.

        Like

  26. Odotry says:

    Nice deduction on why he went with Rebecca Donaldson instead. He’s a sponge and might as well go with the meal ticket. Plus when deciding between settling with tits or ass, go with ass because they have a better shelf life. Those sweet tits with sag to her knees when she reaches 40.

    Like

  27. Stephen says:

    Joey singing “Rappy Rirthday” is very cringeworthy but his face in that screencap is epic. 😀

    There is a pretty huge continuity error 2 seasons later, where it turns out Jesse was a high school drop out. And it’s established that he was born in 1963 in I’m There for ya babe, he turns 26, and it’s in 1989–and then in The Big 3-0, Danny says Jesse’s 24 and it’s 1987, then in Captain Video he says he’s 29 and it’s 1992. The reunion should’ve been next season, since he supposedly should’ve graduated in 1981, but he didn’t even graduate so what am I saying?

    Like

  28. DJ Tanner's Diet says:

    I was waiting for this recap in the hopes that you would comment on Joey’s heinous hands sweater and you did not disappoint. So many things that make this episode a pile of crap – the unibrow, the menacing amputee beauty shot of Becky, stupid fucking Joey. Can’t wait for the episode when Joey gets his feelings hurt over everyone rightfully pointing out what a manchild he is

    Like

  29. Sid says:

    THe girl does have some monster eyebrows but damn, she is still so fucking hot. Google ‘Erika Eleniak nude’. You’re welcome.

    Like

  30. deezus888 says:

    How many defunct bands has the Jess man been in? First there was “Feedback” with Scott Baio and now there’s “Discipline Problem”.

    Like

  31. Megan says:

    Becky is a lot more attractive than Jessie’s ex .

    Like

  32. jersey says:

    Unibrow or no Uncle Jesse’s old squeeze is hot af and all of you would hit that in a heartbeat, don’t even deny

    Like

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