Season 4, Episode 9, “One Last Kiss”

Pre-Credits Gag:  Stephanie prepares a meatloaf cake with cheese frosting for Comet’s birthday.  Danny says that having a birthday party for the dog is fucking ridiculous but then he agrees to take Comet out later so they can throw him a surprise party.  Michelle schemes on the cake and then realizes that it’s a gross cake for dogs.  This is another example of a pre-credits gag that ties into the rest of the story and isn’t so much a quick throwaway gag as it is the first minute of the episode.  I’m not sure why the pre-credits gags have been playing out this way more often…  maybe this format is sort of petering out as the show progresses?  I wonder if the pre-credits gags won’t disappear altogether as the series goes on?

This episode opens as so many do, with Jesse practicing his guitar.  As he rehearses, “My Sharona,” Joey comes in wearing what just might be his most ridiculous sweater ever and ruins Jesse’s practice with an overextended air guitar routine.

The Uncles discuss the premise of the episode, which is that Jesse’s going to his 10-year high school reunion.  Just as he makes his way out the door, the phone rings and a sexy voice sings, “Muskrat Love” on his answering machine.  Jesse explains that the message was left by his old high school girlfriend, Carrie, and then he proceeds to reminisce about what an amazing piece of ass she was until Joey brings him back to his senses by pulling out a really scary looking photo of Rebecca Donaldson.

Jesse worries that he won’t be able to keep his dick in his pants when he sees Carrie and tries to convince Rebecca Donaldson to go to the reunion with him.  Rebecca Donaldson says she can’t because DJ and Kimmie Gibbler are coming to the station to watch her work as research for the school newspaper.  I have to say that I’m pretty impressed that the school newspaper storyline has actually stuck around for this long.  I can’t think of how many storylines, relationships or character traits have been picked up for a single episode and never mentioned again.

Danny brings Comet home for his surprise birthday party, which is attended by all of the neighborhood dogs.  I have to give the show at least a little credit on account of dogs in party hats are automatically hilarious, but my sentiment is quickly spoiled when Joey comes out and sings “Rappy Rirthday” in a lame dog voice.  Way to almost be endearing for about 5 seconds, Full House.

Jesse shows up at his high school reunion and catches up with people for about 10 seconds before he has to go up on stage and perform with his crappy high school band, “Discipline Problem”.  Jesse’s relationships with his friends from high school are even less developed than Comets’ friendships with the dogs at his party, although I did find it remarkable that one of his band mates is played by Roger Lodge, who was the host of Blind Date, one of the greatest guilty-pleasure tv shows of all time.

The band launch into a rousing performance of “My Sharona” without tuning their instruments or bothering to play catch-ups even though they haven’t seen each other in 10 years.  Regardless of their total lack of preparation, the performance goes surprisingly well until Carrie shows up with her big ol’ titties and stops the band cold.

Carrie is played by Erika Eleniak, who would later go on to star on Baywatch and show her titties in that Steven Seagal movie.  Jesse tries to keep things casual but the band starts playing “Muskrat Love” and he is coerced into a slow dance.  Apparently Carrie has been in Europe since they graduated but is back now and all hot for his schlong, but Jesse tries to be a good guy and makes a point of mentioning that he’s engaged.  Carrie doesn’t really give a shit that he’s engaged and begins reminiscing until a flashback occurs.

10 years ago, Jesse had even longer, more embarrassing hair than he did in Season 1.  Just before graduation, Carrie was offered a modeling career in Paris and Jesse got all pissed that she wasn’t going to dedicate her life to hanging out with him and touring with his crappy band.  They realized that they couldn’t stay together while pursuing their individual dreams but agreed to rekindle their love when the time was right.

Back in the present, (and by “present” I mean 1990) Carrie’s like, “come on, Jesse, for reals, give it to me” and then he runs away.  Dang, he was at his high school reunion for like 6 minutes.  He didn’t even get to experience the cathartic joy of finding out who got fat…

Back at the full house, the rest of the family are at a loss to find the last of the dog guests, Sparky.  The scene switches over to Michelle’s room, where she is secretly holding Sparky, having reclaimed him as her own and renamed him, “Penis.”  I’ll tell you something:  I have vivid memories of seeing this episode as a kid, but I had no recollection of the high school reunion premise at all, and didn’t even know if I’d ever seen this one before this particular moment came up.  But I will never in my life forget being a kid and being totally convinced that Michelle renamed that dog, “Penis.”  To be fair, I’m almost certain that she’s calling him, “Peanut,” but it sure as shit sounds like she’s saying “Penis.”  It really does.  So much so that I have to wonder why the director didn’t change the dogs name to something that didn’t so clearly sound like “Penis” when that Olsen twin said it.  Seriously, I’m not joking around.  It really sounds like she’s calling that dog, “Penis.”

Anyway, DJ discovers Penis stashed in Michelle’s room and makes her give him back.

Jesse comes home and tells Danny that he’s all freaked out because he’s engaged to Rebecca Donaldson but he can’t stop thinking about Carrie’s big ol’ titties.  As Danny rambles inanely about laundry, Carrie shows up and asks Jesse if he’ll come outside so they can “talk”.  I wonder how she got all his personal information, especially after having no contact with him at all for 10 years.  It’s weird enough that she had his phone number, but what I really wanna know is how she got his address.

So they go out to the porch and Carrie’s all, “Jesse, I need it real bad” and he’s like, “aw geez… I don’t know… aw, shucks…” and then she kisses him to test his feelings.  This scene’s kind of great because you can really see the struggle going on inside of Uncle Jesse.  How can a man choose between Carrie’s big ol’ titties and Rebecca Donaldson’s hot ass?  Titties vs. butts is a struggle that has torn apart better men than Uncle Jesse.  Ultimately, obviously, he sticks with Rebecca Donaldson, and I think the reasons are pretty obvious:  Jesse is a worthless parasite, and his top priority in any relationship is being able to mercilessly sponge off of the other person.  Think about it-his whole livelihood is provided for by Danny, and he’s even found ways to profit off of Joey, which is like squeezing fucking blood from a stone.  Since he’s getting older and his shitty band is never going to earn him a dollar, he really needs to make sure that the woman he marries is prepared to provide for him long-term.  Now that she’s 28, Carrie’s probably returned to the States because she’s retired from modeling, whereas Rebecca Donaldson’s gig on Wake Up, San Francisco could go on for decades.  Rebecca Donaldson is totally the safer bet.

But maybe I’m reading too much into this, and the true answer is the most obvious:  maybe Jesse just got weirded out by Carrie’s freaky eyebrow.  Seriously, look at that thing.  Her eyebrows are clearly styled, so for some reason she chose to have her right eyebrow extend way over, so she’s got like half a uni-brow.  That is a clear sign of mental illness, and it’s enough to make any man go running back to Rebecca Donaldson’s supple, emotionally-stable ass, which is just what Jesse does.

Jesse tells Rebecca Donaldson all about everything that happens and she gets kinda mad but then the music comes on and he says that all that getting his boner rubbed on by that big titty girl did was make him realize how excited he is about getting married to Rebecca Donaldson.  Then they kiss and say, “have mercy” and I can’t help but wonder if Uncle Jesse isn’t the craftiest human manipulator that ever walked the planet.