Pre-Credits Gag: The Dads all tuck Michelle in as her birthday draws to a close and she’s a real pain in the ass about going to bed. After they leave she gets up and eats an enormous piece of cake that she’s stashed under her bed.
Once again, I am totally amazed by the complete lack of supervision this family provides for their just-turned-4-year-old child. The saddest part about it is that she never falls down the stairs or eats poison or anything that you’d hope to see, she just gets away with acting like an asshole all the time. I also find it remarkable that they didn’t bother to base an episode around Michelle’s birthday and only used it for a quick throwaway gag, but considering what I imagine such an episode to be like, I’m grateful for their lack of effort.
Stephanie shows off her science fair project to her sisters: a model of the human brain made out of vegetables. I can honestly say that it’s the shittiest science fair project I’ve ever seen, on tv or in real life, and that includes the time that Ralph Wiggum presented a box full of star wars action figures. It’s just a cauliflower with a bunch of other vegetables pinned to it. It looks like it took 2 minutes to make, and in no way resembles a researched, scientifically accurate depiction of an actual human brain.
Stephanie makes the other girls promise not to tell Danny what her project is because it’s a surprise, unlike the inevitable plot development that’s to come as a result. Danny comes downstairs and mentions that the uncles are out of town filming a commercial so it’s his first time alone with them in the full house since he kicked his mom out in the first episode. Danny can hardly remember what the full house was like without 2 worthless assholes around to fuck everything up, and feels that this time should be a special one that he shares with his girls.
Kimmie Gibbler tells DJ (how did I go this long without mentioning that Kimmie Gibbler was there for all this!??!) that Kathy Santoni got sick so she can’t play Juliette in the play, and since DJ’s her understudy she’ll be playing the part. I feel kinda bad for Kathy Santoni… Since she’s the only one of DJ and Kimmie Gibbler’s classmates with a name, she always has to be the unfortunate recipient of whatever off-screen circumstances guide the plot.
DJ makes Danny promise to come see her performance on Wednesday and then he prances out of the house singing about what a badass dad he is. Immediately after he exits, as if the last 80 or so episodes weren’t enough evidence that his claims of skilled parenting weren’t total bullshit, DJ realizes that her stupid play is at the same time as Stephanie’s geeky science fair, so there’s no way he can make it to both. Why would these girls even want Danny to come to their events anyway? How are they not totally ashamed of him?
Meanwhile, in the woods, the uncles sit outside of a fox hole with a camera so they can score footage for some lame commercial. So I guess we’re to assume that they’re working again? Joey tries to lure the fox out by doing that annoying Mr. Woodchuck impression and Jesse gets all impatient and starts gathering up his shit so he can return to civilization. He is quickly stopped in his tracks by the appearance of a skunk, and when he asks Joey for help all he’s provided is a shitty impression of Pepe Le Pew. Seriously, how mad would you be if you were about to get sprayed by a skunk in the woods and that was the only assistance you were offered? Adding insult to injury, the fox appears while all this is going on so the uncles don’t get their shot.
Danny finds himself overwhelmed with responsibilities at the full house. DJ comes home and starts grilling his ass about coming to her stupid play and he promises again that he’ll be there. Stephanie comes down and starts going on about her nerdy ass science fair and Danny realizes that he’s overbooked himself. Both of the girls immediately revert to shrieking harpies and demand that Danny attend their crappy event. After a bunch of door slamming and a commercial break, Danny assembles the girls in the kitchen and announces that since he promised Stephanie first, he’ll be attended her nerdy science fair. DJ gets all pissed but the conflict is seemingly resolved until Danny busts out his vegetable dish for dinner.
Ok, what? This is totally ridiculous for so many reasons. First of all, if Danny actually steamed a cauliflower with a bunch of other vegetables pinned to it that he found in his refrigerator and served it to his children then I think that he should have them taken away from him. I’m pretty sure that the #1 rule of parenting is: do not serve any food that has metal pins in it to your children. Second, Stephanie treats the steaming of her science project like it’s this big fucking tragedy. How is her project at all ruined by the steaming? It looks exactly the same. Maybe it took seeing it steamed up and served in a pot for her to realize what a shitty project it was in the first place. But, really, if anything her project is improved by the steaming because it would certainly be more brain-like if it was all soft and squishy. Well anyway, for whatever reason the science fair is officially ruined and it seems as though DJ will have to bear the shame of having Danny attend her school event after all.
Meanwhile, back in the woods, Jesse wakes Joey up in the morning, prominently emoting a new-found appreciation he feels towards nature. The 2 of them break out into a rendition of “Happy Trails” and are surrounded by friendly woodland creatures. As they continue their song the fox appears and Joey is able to film him, and that’s it. That’s the whole uncles-filming-a-fox-in-the-woods subplot.
In the morning, DJ continues to ride Danny’s ass about going to her stupid play and he promises for the 50th fucking time that he’ll be there. Stephanie comes downstairs and discovers that her crappy brain model has been reassembled and Danny reveals that he was up all night making her a new one. Danny, please. Don’t even try to tell me it took more than 5 minutes to assemble that piece of shit. Anyway, DJ gets all threatened by the science fair no longer being ruined but Danny explains that he’ll be able to attend half of each event. This desperate compromise fails to appease either of the bottomless wells of relentless demand that Danny refers to as his daughters and the scene ends with everyone feeling like shit.
After Stephanie and DJ leave for school, Danny goes upstairs to hang out with Michelle before the science fair and he’s like, “damn, those bitches wore me out!” and falls asleep in her bed. Later on, Stephanie and DJ come home and are both real pissed that Danny didn’t show up to their event. Once they realize that he wasn’t at either of their events they narcissistically conclude that if he didn’t make it to their stupid school bullshit than he must have died tragically or something. What other reason could there be!??! To be fair, the last time one of their parents missed an event was probably when their mom died, but knowing these broads they were probably more upset about her missing their stupid spelling bee or whatever than the fact that she died a fiery, painful death.
The girls frantically search for Danny for about 5 seconds before finding him passed out in Michelle’s bed. For a split-second they are granted enough empathy to realize that their constant stream of bullshit wore out their poor, unqualified father and they apologize for being such dicks. The weirdest part about this scene is that the music doesn’t come on until after the valuable lesson is learned, so it’s just playing for seemingly no reason as Danny tells his daughters how great they are and listens to their banal anecdotes about how their events went. Usually the music has magical conflict-resolution powers, but this time it just feels obligatorily tacked on. Anyway, that’s the end.