Pre-Credits Gag: Danny prepares Michelle for her role as the flower girl in Jesse and Rebecca Donaldson’s wedding. He convinces her that it’s the most important job in the whole ceremony and demonstrates how to perform the task by pulling tissues from a box. She takes the box and starts chanting, “here comes Michelle,” while tossing out the tissues and then she completely ignores Danny when he tells her to stop doing it. She just keeps walking around, chanting her name and wasting tissues while Danny helplessly trails after her, and if this pre-credits gag doesn’t completely define their relationship then I don’t know nuthin’ ’bout Full House.
DJ and Stephanie experience creative differences as they work on a wedding video for Jesse and Rebecca Donaldson. Their filming is interrupted by Rebecca Donaldson running in and being all freaked out because Jesse’s not there to meet her parents. Michelle comes downstairs and Rebecca Donaldson stops her frantic pacing to tell her that Howie, that baby that she made sweet, gentle love to in Season 2, is going to be making a return visit to the full house for the wedding. Michelle says she doesn’t give a shit because she doesn’t even remember that fool even though she stayed up all night crying his name one time. Michelle and Howie are re-introduced and immediately hate each other’s guts.
Boy am I glad they brought Howie back. I always wondered what happened to that guy.
Danny comes downstairs and says that his suit for the wedding is too tiny. The doorbell rings and Rebecca Donaldson rushes to greet her parents as Joey comes up in a big baggy suit and he and Danny realize that they switched by accident.
Rebecca Donaldson’s parents enter the full house and her dad immediately starts ranting about some asshole motorcyclist who cut him off when he was driving. Right that second, Jesse comes in wearing his motorcycle gear and he’s like, “sorry I’m late but some asshole was driving like a dumb dick.” Uh-oh you guys, I’m afraid Jesse and Rebecca Donaldson’s Dad are gonna start off on the wrong foot!
They proceed to bicker with one another until Rebecca Donaldson gets all upset so they stage a reconciliation. Things seem to be pretty much smoothed over until Rebecca Donaldson’s Mom goes to the kitchen and walks in on Joey and Danny making love.
I guess they got all worked up when they were switching suits. Joey’s butthole was just too inviting. Anyway, Rebecca Donaldson has a big emotional meltdown until Jesse calmly reassures her and then they make out on the couch while Stephanie films them.
Michelle is terrorized by Howie, who acts the fool at bedtime while wearing the same Ninja Turtle pajamas that Joey wore to the Honeybee sleepover. Michelle is like, “fuck this shit,” and decides to go sleep someplace else.
Rebecca Donaldson’s Dad rolls up on Jesse in his room and starts discussing his lifestyle choices. It’s actually pretty amazing because Rebecca Donaldson’s Dad sums Jesse up by pointing out that he rides a motorcycle, plays in a band and wears leather, and Jesse defends himself by saying, “There’s much more to me than that, sir. I’m also an Elvis freak.” That shit totally blew my mind because I’ve described Jesse that exact same way in a bunch of these reviews, but I was doing it to be an asshole! How can Jesse be so comfortable with being such a 1-dimensional character!??! That really is all there is to him.
Anyway, Rebecca Donaldson’s Dad gives Jesse a big speech about how he used to be a cool dude, too, but then he got married and had to give up all the fun shit he liked to do. Then he tells Jesse that he’d better have his shit together if he’s gonna marry his daughter and Jesse is overwhelmed by a looming sense of responsibility. What’s the big deal? Jesse’s been driving kids to soccer practice and shit for like 4 years now. He’s clearly become fully resigned to being a total square, so how does any of that shit mean anything to him?
Jesse wakes Joey up at 7 AM and tells him to drive him to the airport. Geez, you guys, that leads me to believe that Jesse is going to run away instead of marrying Rebecca Donaldson. Why else would he be going to the airport!??! I’m on the edge of my seat!
Danny wakes Michelle up by asking if she’s seen Jesse but she refuses to answer him without a formal greeting. Danny complies with all of her requests and then it turns out that she doesn’t know anything about where Jesse is because of course she doesn’t because when the fuck does she ever have any useful information? Anyway, Stephanie runs in with a note from Uncle Jesse that says that he had to do something before the wedding but he’s still gonna show up and everything. The family all stand around and wonder what Jesse could be up to.
So apparently Jesse decided that he had to jump out of an airplane before the wedding because he had to go through with one last absurd sitcom cliche before settling down. That seems like it would be ridiculous enough all on its own except JOEY IS FLYING THE AIRPLANE!!!
What!??! I cannot believe for even one second that Joey can fly an airplane. There has never been any mention one time of Joey having any aviation know-how whatsoever, plus I’d bet you $5 that Joey can’t even wipe his ass properly, and I’m supposed to believe that that muthafucka can just fly an airplane all of a sudden? That’s some silly ass nonsense is what that is.
Joey tries to convince Jesse not to jump out of the plane but he does it anyway. Right before he jumps, Jesse says that if he doesn’t survive he wants Joey to marry Rebecca Donaldson, which is pretty fucked up if you ask me. Ok, so, before we get to the screencap, I want you all to guess what Jesse says when he jumps out of the airplane. I want you to really take a minute and think about what he says. Ok, are you ready?
Jesse says, “have mercy.”
So when it’s time for the wedding to start, Jesse still hasn’t shown up and everyone stands are trying to figure out what to do. Michelle sees Howie in his little tuxedo and starts secreting love juices at the sight of him.
Rebecca Donaldson’s parents get all up in Danny’s face when the ceremony doesn’t start on time and he finally has to admit to them that Jesse is missing. Rebecca Donaldson finds out and gets all upset, presumably because she’s finally realizing what a completely useless piece of shit she’s getting married to. Seriously, Rebecca Donaldson must have left the full house the night before and been like, “ok, as long as Jesse doesn’t do anything completely fucking idiotic in the next 12 hours, I am willing to ignore his overwhelming personality flaws and complete lack of character and integrity and devote the rest of my life to him. All that fool needs to do is just fucking show up to the wedding.” And does he show up? No, he doesn’t. Instead Joey comes in and explains to Rebecca Donaldson that Jesse told him to marry her if he didn’t make it.
Meanwhile, Jesse got stuck in a tree and I guess we’ll just have to wait ’till next week to find out if he ever gets down…
I have to say, I had never seen this episode before. I almost never watched Full House when a new episode aired, I always just saw re-runs when they happened to be on, and I always remember seeing part 2 ten million times but never seeing part 1. This episode made me wonder if Jesse and Rebecca Donaldson have had sex before their wedding. I mean, I know they’re fictional characters and there’s no real answer and everything, but what do you think? I know that before he met Rebecca Donaldson, Jesse was the biggest hoe on the planet but I bet Rebecca Donaldson is pretty chaste. They clearly don’t live together yet, which suggests a pretty old-fashioned relationship. If I had to put money down, I’d bet that Rebecca Donaldson wasn’t willing to be infected with the herpes virus until she had a lifelong commitment from Jesse, so she made him wait till they got married. Maybe that’s why he tried to marry her impulsively before, and also why they planned their whole wedding in like 6 weeks.
Firsts: Rebecca Donaldson’s parents