Pre-Credits Gag: Michelle recaps the events of the previous episode.
As Jesse flails around helplessly while hanging from a tree, a friendly yokel pulls up in his tomato truck and agrees to try to help him get down. The news that it may take 2 or 3 hours to free him doesn’t sit well with Jesse, who’s already late to his wedding, so he removes his harness and drops down onto the tomatoes, which break his fall.
The yokel’s like, “hey, asshole, I was trying to help you and you fucked up all my tomatoes,” and Jesse’s not even sorry. The yokel starts to get ornery and explains that Jesse had better watch his ass because they’re in tomato country, where they don’t take kindly to the pushy, egomaniacal behavior of city folk. Tomato country? I actually grew up right near San Francisco and I’ve certainly never heard of tomato country. I’ve heard of wine country, which would make perfect sense in this scenario, but not tomato country. I’ve also never seen such cartoonish yokels in any part of California. If some dirty hippie had picked up Jesse in his van that ran on corn oil I’d totally believe it, but this backwoods fellow? Not so much.
So, get this: Jesse straight up tries to steal the tomato truck. Like it’s not enough that he already ruined this guys whole load of tomatoes or something. Luckily, the tomato guy’s cousin is the sheriff (because everyone is related in tomato country), who pulls up just that minute and arrests Jesse before he can drive off.
DJ and Stephanie continue to make their wedding documentary by filming Rebecca Donaldson as she stands around crying. Everyone kills time by making corny jokes until Jesse calls to ask Rebecca Donaldson if she’ll come to tomato country and bail him out of prison. Rebecca Donaldson misses her ten millionth sign from the universe that this Jesse character is just absolutely no good and heads off to go get him.
As Danny and Joey figure out how to stall the wedding guests, Jesse’s parents come up and ask what the fuck is going on. Oh, wow, they brought back Grandma and Grandpa! Having not seen them in about 2 Seasons, I totally wouldn’t even have thought about it if they hadn’t made an appearance in this episode, but there they are!
Jesse pleads with the sheriff to release him from the clink but the sheriff just stands around eating a tomato, not havin’ it.
Rebecca Donaldson shows up and she’s like, “what the fuck, Jesse? Seriously, couldn’t you not fuck up just one thing ever?” Jesse explains that he had a long talk with her dad about how lame everything is gonna be once he’s married so he wanted to go have one last adventure first.
Rebecca Donaldson’s like, “sucka, this pussy is the greatest adventure you are ever gonna have” and then they make up. The sheriff is so touched by their unhealthy relationship that he agrees to release Jesse and drop all the charges. He opens the cell, hands them a basket of tomatoes and sends them on their way.
Rebecca Donaldson’s car got towed while she was getting Jesse out of jail so the two of them flag down a bus.
The bus is filled with a gospel choir and the driver explains that they aren’t heading to San Francisco but once he recognizes Rebecca Donaldson as the host of Wake Up, San Francisco he decides to just do whatever she wants. He even lets her drive!
Danny, Joey and Jesse’s parents try to stall the wedding crowd by leading a chorus of, “Let’s Call the Whole Thing Off” (great song for a wedding…), until Jesse and Rebecca Donaldson finally arrive.
So you’d think the rest of the ceremony would go off without a hitch, right? Michelle gets about halfway down the aisle before calling out, “Stop the wedding!” because she ran out of flowers to throw. Danny runs up to console her by telling her that it’s the architect of the church’s fault for making the building too long and then he actually gets the wedding guests to applaud her effort. Root causes, y’all. Root causes.
Finally, Rebecca Donaldson walks down the aisle, giving everyone boners. She and Jesse exchange rings and all that shit and then it’s announced to the crowd that Jesse wants to pledge his love with music. Jesus Christ, it’s not bad enough that he made these people wait forever for him to even show up, now they gotta sit through this shit, too? That’s the problem with struggling musicians. Every social gathering’s just some excuse for them to hype their shit.
Jesse sings, “Forever,” which becomes his big song that he sings all the time throughout the rest of the series. What’s the deal with this song? Did he play it with the Beach Boys or something? Anyway, I kind of thought that the gospel choir who were riding in the bus that Rebecca Donaldson stole would be pretty upset, but apparently they aren’t after all because they actually decide to back Jesse up as performs his song. I guess he taught them the lyrics on the bus ride over or something? I can’t help but feel bad for all the families in Oakland that are just sitting in an empty church right now like, “well, I guess the choir’s not coming today…”
Since Jesse’s stupid song goes on for like 10 million years, there’s some cut-away footage, including a photo montage of Jesse and Rebecca Donaldson growing up. There’s also a bunch of clips of scenes of them together from previous episodes, and then, presumably because there’s not a lot of footage of them doing anything outside of the full house, there are a bunch of really cheap looking new shots of them hanging out in a park. It’s pretty easy to forgive the poor quality of these shots because one of them brings us the greatest shot of Rebecca Donaldson’s hot ass ever. Dang, Rebecca Donaldson, how you gonna go and settle for that fool when you got an ass like that?
After the song is finally over, Rebecca Donaldson has one last chance to come to her senses, but she just goes right ahead and says, “I do.” And with that fateful declaration, Rebecca Donaldson reaches her tragic end, fully consumed by the full house at last.
Naturally, the wedding reception takes place in the living room of the full house. Michelle schemes on the cake, Danny polices the guest’s use of coasters, and Joey starts crying as he tries to give a toast. The first dance is announced and Jesse and Becky give a big speech that recaps their argument from an earlier episode about whether or not their wedding song should be, “Jail House Rock.” They declare that they made a brilliant compromise and then Jesse starts singing a slow, schlocky rendition of “Jailhouse Rock.” That’s the fucking compromise? She didn’t want the song to be “Jailhouse Rock” and his compromise was that he was just gonna sing it real slow? And if that wasn’t already stomach-churningly tacky enough for you, after a slow and sappy intro, they break into a full on rock ‘n’ roll rendition and everyone dances vigorously. So, really, there was no compromise at all. Not only did Jesse get to pick the wedding song, but he fucking SANG IT HIMSELF!
After cake is eaten and DJ catches the bouquet, Aunt Becky puts on a white Hillary Clinton pantsuit and gets on the back of Jesse’s motorcycle. And as she rides away to lose her virginity to a greasy, out of work musician, I just can’t help but think of how much better her life would have turned out if she’d never met any of these assholes. Rebecca Donaldson, there was once such hope for you, but there’s no turning back now.
Firsts: “Forever” (that shitty song Jesse always sings)