Pre-Credits Gag: Hey, look, Stephanie’s wearing her glasses again! Anyway, Danny comes home from a parent-teacher meeting and tells Stephanie that he found out that she’s having trouble with fractions but it’s ok because he’s going to make the whole family help her out. Premise! Then Michelle runs in and alerts everyone that Jesse and Becky have just returned from their honeymoon. Dang, double-premise, and all contained within the pre-credits gag. Someone must have just come back from a writer’s workshop or something.
Jesse and Becky are greeted by about 2 solid minutes of hugging from every single cast member of the full house, including the dog. Jesse says that their trip to Bora Bora was the shit and that they filmed everything so the family could see it, and then Becky’s like, “well, everything except all of the hot naked fucking!” Becky then tells Jesse that he should probably start packing up his shit so he can move into her house because it’s no longer a sin. Michelle is confused by the situation and Jesse explains that now that he’s found himself a sugar momma, he’s gonna mooch off of her instead of Danny so he’s gotta move out. Aunt Becky tries to console Michelle by explaining the concept of moving day but Michelle willfully misinterprets that the whole family will be moving in with Becky.
Joey tries to help Stephanie with fractions by slicing up her favorite dessert, a single Hostess cupcake on a plate. His efforts are foiled when DJ and Kimmie Gibbler come in and eat the cupcake, but I have to say that I’m totally amazed to see Joey doing something that a reasonable intelligent adult might do to try to help a kid learn fractions. He didn’t even talk like Popeye or anything. Don’t get me wrong, his efforts still failed, but I think that this is the least incompetent thing he’s ever done. Anyway, Joey leaves and then DJ starts to get on Stephanie’s case about when she’s gonna move into Jesse’s old room. Stephanie is hesitant to give up sharing a room but DJ really can’t wait to have all those walls to herself to cover with George Michael posters.
As Jesse packs up the last of his shit, he and Danny reminisce with great sentimentality about the time they’ve spent together. This leads to a lengthy clip from the first episode, which served no purpose other to remind me that Danny used to stand way closer to everyone when he talked to them. He still kinda looks like he might kiss everyone when he’s talking to them, but back in the early days he was a way creepier close-talker.
Anyway, Danny comments on how Jesse’s still the same 1-dimensional character he was when the series started and then he thanks him for living in his house for 4 years and eating all of his fried chicken. They hug and then everyone else comes in and then they all hug.
Michelle comes in the room with her suitcase and announces that she’s all ready to move to Aunt Becky’s. Danny explains that Jesse’s the only one that’s moving over there and Michelle gets all pissed and shouts, “but we’re supposed to be a big happy family!” before running out of the room. What a ridiculous thing to yell when you’re upset. Jesse goes into Michelle’s room to have one of their, “world famous talks,” and explains that now that they’re married, Aunt Becky’s givin’ it up like crazy and he can’t have a bunch of lame kids all up in his business all the time. Michelle says that she’s really upset because he won’t be around to wait on her at all times anymore and the music comes on. Dang, I don’t know if they’ve ever resorted to playing the music in the middle of an episode before, but this episode’s working over-time to be as ultra-contrived as possible. At the end of the longest, most drawn-out goodbye in the history of television, there’s this incredibly lengthy zoom-in of Michelle after someone put some drops in her eyes, and it actually made me laugh uncontrollably. I think that might be the only time in the entire process of watching this show that I’ve actually laughed really hard at something, but, dang, you guys, look at that stupid kid.
As if that weren’t hilarious enough all on it’s own, it’s followed by another incredibly long, slow zoom-in of Uncle Jesse standing right outside of her door, crying like a punk bitch. Oh, man, that’s comedy gold! I had to go lay down I laughed so hard.
As Jesse brings the last of his stuff into Becky’s place, he starts talking about how shitty all of her decorum is and starts making plans to put all of his shit everywhere. Becky tries to diffuse the situation by offering up some hot sex on the couch but Jesse starts thinking about Michelle and is unable to perform sexually. He totally ignores his wife’s moist vagina by staring off into the distance and singing a slow, sad rendition of the teddy bear song he used to sing to Michelle.
In what is probably the most artful segue in the history of the series, the scene switches over to Joey and Danny singing that very same teddy bear song to Michelle, who says that they suck without Uncle Jesse.
Meanwhile, DJ revels in finally having her own room while Stephanie feels sad about being by herself.
In the morning, Danny brings a plate of pancakes to the family at the breakfast table and Michelle takes them all and says, “you’d better make more, these people look hungry.” Seconds later, Jesse and Becky enter the house and Jesse starts kissing everybody. Joey actually recaps the events that happened seconds before to Jesse, including an impression of Michelle saying the obnoxious one-liner. Not only did I really not need a recap of something I just saw, but that’s gotta be the most self-congratulating moment I’ve ever seen on tv.
Everyone agrees that it was really funny and Jesse’s like, “God damn it, I can’t believe I missed such a hilarious moment! What’s wrong with me that I moved out of this house full of obnoxious, showboating assholes to go live with my rich, hot wife?”
Danny uses their broken family to explain fractions to Stephanie, who is able to comprehend that Jesse and Becky make up 2/7’s of their family while the remaining 5/7’s of them still live in the full house. I don’t know why that’s easier to understand than cupcakes. Anyway, the kids all leave for school except Michelle, who asks Jesse if he’ll sing her the teddy bear song that night. All of a sudden Becky remembers that their apartment is being fumigated so they need to sleep in the attic of the full house that night, and everyone is pretty excited to have a pajama party.
As Jesse and Becky lay awake on their twin cots in the attic, she admits to him that she made up the fumigation because she thought that he missed his family. She goes on to explain that she talked to Danny about renovating the attic and she wants the two of them to live up there. The music comes on (for the second time this episode!) as Jesse says that he couldn’t ask her to make such a sacrifice for him but she explains that when she married him she pretty much gave up all of her hopes and dreams so at this point it doesn’t really matter. It’s really weird that there’s this whole dynamic here that Jesse needs to be convinced about moving back into the full house when Becky is clearly the one who shouldn’t want to live there. Regardless, as soon as Jesse agrees, Becky runs to the stairs and calls the members of the full house so they can all hug as gentle music plays.
Joey explains that his and Jesse’s studio is going to be moved into the basement and he’s gonna take Jesse’s old room, so Stephanie is going to move back in with DJ. Stephanie gloats all up in DJ’s face as she laments having to readjust her George Michael posters all over again. As the family all stand around grinning like idiots, Michelle demands that they sing her the teddy bear song, ushering in a new era of even more annoying people living in the full house.
Firsts: 2 musics, Aunt Becky lives in the full house
IMPORTANT MESSAGE FROM THE AUTHOR:
This will very likely be the last Full House Reviewed post published on WordPress.com. The domain fullhousereviewed.com has been purchased and should premiere before next Friday with all of the content on this site imported over, including all of your comments and everything. The site’s gonna premier with a snazzy new logo and it will be the shit! As soon as everything’s all set up, the wordpress url will only exist as a forward to the official site, so I’m pretty sure that all of the wordpress subscribers will have to switch over the the new site to continue being notified about new posts. Sorry for the inconvenience! Thanks to all of you readers for sticking with the site as it upgrades, and stay tuned for news about the official Full House Reviewed t-shirt really soon!