Note: Comments are still broken. Bummer for me! Hopefully they’ll be fixed soon…
Update: Comments are fixed!
Pre-Credits Gag: Jesse practices his drums in the new basement studio and then Michelle commands him to play a succession of instruments. When she makes him play the saxophone he sucks at it.
Now that Aunt Becky lives in the full house, she’s around all the time to help DJ do her nails and talk about yeast infections and stuff. She’s so cool that when Kimmie Gibbler comes over to hatch her latest scheme with DJ on their never-ending quest to get felt up by desperate boys with burgeoning mustaches, they let Aunt Becky in on their plans. When Aunt Becky finds out that the plan is for Kimmie Gibbler to sneak some horny boys into the house that she’s babysitting at after the kid goes to bed, she thinks that maybe she’s witnessing the beginnings of a very special episode about date rape. She begins to explain to the girls that when you travel down the hoe road you pay a very large toll but then she decides that it’s more important to be a cool aunt than it is to protect your niece from getting raped so she keeps her mouth shut.
Michelle runs into the kitchen to tell Stephanie that Comet’s having puppies and Stephanie runs to go see like a complete fucking rube. It doesn’t even occur to her until after she sees Comet sitting in the living room with no puppies that he’s a male dog. Stephanie tells Michelle that it’s shitty to trick people but Michelle just gloats like an asshole.
Joey and Jesse decide that they haven’t wasted enough of Danny’s money setting up the phony tax write-off that they call a business so they buy a pool table. Hey, wait a minute… didn’t Joey just get a job as the voice of a character on an animated series last episode? How might that effect his business partnership with Jesse? Oh well, whatever, all that matters now is that they bought a pool table.
When Danny asks Jesse if he can get in on their pool game he is given a patronizing speech and the job of score-keeper. Danny stands around keeping score until Michelle summons him up to the kitchen and tells him that she just saw a mouse. Danny has the exact reaction you’d expect from an obsessive compulsive cleaning weirdo until Stephanie sees what’s going on and explains that there’s no mouse and Michelle’s just goin’ around tellin’ lies. Danny spends about 2 seconds trying to explain to Michelle that it’s shitty to fool people but then she just walks off gloating while Danny stands around with his hands in his pockets. It’s weird that he doesn’t try at all to stress his point even though she’s clearly learned nothing. I bet she’d have understood if the music had come on. Maybe that’s why Danny gave up so quickly: whenever you try to spout lessons in morality inside of the full house but the music doesn’t come on, you might as well give up and try again later. Did the music fail to come on because it’s only 8 minutes into the episode? I think I may never fully understand the mystical nature and inner logic of the music, but that won’t keep me from trying.
Anyway, while Danny’s standing around with his hands in his pockets, DJ and Kimmie Gibbler tell him they’re gonna go out and do girl stuff but then Danny gets all up in DJ’s grill about preparing for a biology test she has coming up because, like all good parents, he has his daughters’ academic schedules memorized. DJ tries to persuade Danny to let her go while avoiding spilling the beans about her secret boner rendezvous and then Danny delivers this really patronizing speech about how if she doesn’t study hard and live by Danny’s white bread set of rules that she’ll end up being a proletariat like Kimmie Gibbler.
Once again, the valuable life lessons that pour ever-forth from Danny’s pie-hole fail to summon the music, and so his words remain invalidated. As soon as he leaves the room, DJ makes a plan to leave with Kimmie Gibbler and gets Becky to agree to cover for her against her better judgement.
DJ shows up at the house Kimmie Gibbler is babysitting at, which turns out to be the residence of Aaron Bailey. Remember that kid? He’s in Michelle’s class but we haven’t really seen him in like 20 episodes or something. Anyway, Aaron Bailey is quickly shooed off to bed so the girls can do their bust-developing exercises before the boys arrive.
A ring at the doorbell announces the arrival of Ryan, DJ’s oafish love interest, who’s brought a mystery date for Kimmie Gibbler that turns out to be Bitterman. Remember Bitterman? He’s that kid with a mullet that shows up to all the kid parties and stuff, except he cut his mullet off I guess. What is this, some kind of obscure tertiary character reunion or something?
Aaron Bailey interrupts their canoodling but then DJ bribes him to leave them alone by letting him watch Arachnaphobia upstairs. Kimmie Gibbler is pretty pissed about Bitterman being her mystery date and tries to salt DJ’s game by saying she has to go home but then Ryan’s all, “what the fuck, DJ, you’re just gonna leave me here with a hard on?” and she agrees to stick around.
Danny finally gets Jesse to play him a game of pool and they wager $1 per ball. Totally unpredictably, it turns out that Danny’s really good at pool and he hustles Jesse. After a victorious montage, Danny collects $100 from Jesse, which marks the first time in the shows history that Danny has collected any money from either of the uncles.
Stephanie tricks Michelle into thinking that all of the Rocky Road ice cream has gone missing, which teaches her at last that it’s shitty to trick people. Danny heads up to DJ’s room, feeling confident that he’s finally come up with some words to live by that will make the music come on, but Becky awkwardly tries to stall him until she gives in and narc’s on DJ. Danny catches DJ trying to sneak into the house and lets her know that Becky spilled the beans on her whole operation. DJ busts out the classic manipulative teenager line, “I thought you were my friend!” to Becky and then runs up to her room.
Aunt Becky goes up to DJ’s room and confronts her about taking advantage of their friendship so she could go get felt up. The music is finally summoned successfully as Becky explains that she wants to be a cool aunt and everything but if she doesn’t start dropping some knowledge when it needs to get dropped then there’s probably gonna be a very special episode about DJ getting gonorrhea in Season 5. DJ says that she’s sorry, too, and that she’s lucky to have an adult around who’s capable of delivering a music-worthy speech every now and again and then they talk about Ryan’s wiener as the credits come on. Female bonding!
Firsts: one of the uncles gives Danny some money