Season 4, Episode 26, “Rock the Cradle”

Holy shit, I really was starting to think that there’d never be a finale to Season 4, but I guess we finally made it.  This episode doesn’t have a pre-credits gag for some reason.  What a tragic loss!  Instead it opens with a lengthy performance from Jesse and the Rippers, who have about 20 members at this point, including, apparently, Wayne and Garth.

I actually remember the guy who looks like Wayne from an earlier episode because I checked IMDB to make sure he wasn’t John Favreau.  Anyway, the band plays some shitty song for this record executive who looks pretty much just like Danny with a ponytail.  The record executive says he likes their band for some reason and that he’ll give a good report to the folks at the label.

As the family all sit down to lunch, Michelle makes everyone meet her imaginary friend, Glen.  Danny reminisces about DJ’s old imaginary friend and then starts making asshole remarks towards Kimmie Gibbler, who’s just trying to eat her sandwich in peace.

The phone rings and Stephanie answers it, but she makes everyone wait to find out who it is while she makes lame jokes and word puns that relate to the imaginary friend conversation.  When Stephanie finally says it who it is it turns out to be the doctor calling for Aunt Becky, which you might think would have struck her as important enough to say without making a bunch of lame jokes first.  What if Aunt Becky had flesh eating bacteria or something?

Aunt Becky gets some exciting, mysterious news and then Danny takes her into the living room and says it’s hella obvious that she’s pregnant.  It is the Season finale, after all.  The rest of the family find out because they’re listening at the door and then everyone gets all excited until Becky tells them to keep a lid on it because she wants to wait to tell Jesse so some wacky misunderstandings can happen first.  Suddenly, as if on cue, Jesse comes downstairs and tells everyone that he has a meeting with a guy at the record label, which may or may not be the real reason why the family so enthusiastically congratulates him.

Becky gets all sexed up and makes Jesse a fancy dinner to set the mood for when she tells him the important news.  Before she can say 2 words when he gets home, he starts telling her all about how he and his shitty band got signed to that record label.  Apparently the people at the label felt like Jesse and the Rippers had a, “retro-punk hip-hop eurotrash garage beat,” which totally doesn’t mean anything.  Seriously, even the person who wrote that didn’t know what that meant, they just strung a bunch of words together because they thought people would laugh.  And they do.  And I don’t understand why.

Anyway, Becky serves up a dinner of baby shrimp, baby corn and babyback ribs, hoping that Jesse will sense a theme, but all he can do is talk about his upcoming tour with his shitty band.  He starts talking about how great it’ll be to go on tour because he doesn’t have any real responsibilities or anything tying him down and then, just when you think he’s gonna start a new discussion about how great abortion is, he just throws down his napkin and says he’s gonna go tell everyone else about his rad news because he’s too excited to eat.  On his way out the door he inattentively inquires about what her news was but she decides that she’d rather be all butt hurt than tell him.  I can’t believe I’m about to defend Jersey against Becky here, but it is pretty understandable that he’d be that excited about landing a record deal.  I mean, his band really does suck pretty hard.  It’s like a miracle or something!  And it’s not like he’s letting that overshadow her becoming pregnant, she just never told him.

As the family all sit around together enjoying a wholesome game of Pictionary, they struggle to solve Stephanie’s image, which turns out to be “don’t have a cow.”

Jesse comes downstairs and the family all congratulate him about the baby, but Jesse thinks they’re talking about his recording deal and many hilarious innuendos follow.  Joey’s like, “congratulations on having sex with Becky and your sperm going into her uterus and fertilizing an egg, creating a human life,” and Jesse’s all, “yeah, having a recording contract is pretty awesome.”  Eventually Becky comes downstairs and discreetly informs the family that Jesse doesn’t know about the baby yet.  She struggles to come up with a way to tell him and reaches the only logical conclusion:  Pictionary.

Jesse struggles to decipher Becky’s drawings, even after she cheats and straight-up writes the word “ink” on the page as a clue (seriously, it’s really not cool to do that in Pictionary), and she eventually blurts out the news about the baby in frustration.  Jesse is understandably shocked, never expecting an impromptu game of Pictionary to bring life changing news.

As Danny puts Michelle to bed, he starts to investigate the burgeoning psychosis taking place in the form of her imaginary friend, Glen.  She explains that she needs to have an imaginary friend because she doesn’t get to hang out with kids her age now that preschool’s out for the Summer.  Danny tells her that she’s starting a Summer program soon and will be around kids again and then Michelle’s all, “Glen can go eat a dick.”

Jesse comes into Michelle’s room to ogle Danny’s parenting and then Danny leaves them alone to have one of their special talks.  These talks made a lot more sense when Michelle was too young to say anything and they were really just Jesse’s monologues, but now that she’s actually counseling him they’re pretty fucking ridiculous.  Jesse wonders how he can balance being a father with touring around with his shitty band and Michelle tells him that he’d better just stay at home.

Jesse goes back up to the attic and tells Becky that he’s gonna tell his shitty band mates to go eat a dick so he can just just hang around the full house and tend to her needs all the time.  She explains that his tour is only for the next few months and that it’s pretty easy for him to just go do that and then come home before she’s even really showing any major signs of pregnancy.  Becky never recognizes the larger problem, which is that her husband is a completely worthless shithead who will always react in the worst, most self-important method in any given situation.  Instead, gentle music plays as they proclaim their love for one another, and although I can’t help but feel pretty bad for the artist formerly known as Rebecca Donaldson, at least Season 4’s finally over.

Tune in next week for Season 4 Reviewed!

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57 Responses to Season 4, Episode 26, “Rock the Cradle”

  1. Jimbone says:

    I was spoiled having 4 full seasons of archives to read and now I have to wait a whole week before each new episode. I sure hope the season 5 DVDs are already sitting on your shelf or I’ll pine away in agony.

    Anyway, this episode has always popped into my head from time to time for some reason. I just find myself thinking CHEESE HALF INK A BABY! For a minute I thought about using this method to break the news to my parents but then I took my medication and regained my senses. Keep fighting the good fight man. I know how hard it is about to get because Michelle becomes an absolute piece of shit when she starts interacting with other kids regularly.

    Like

  2. Megan says:

    That half a cow has some serious piercings! Also, its ass sprung a leak.

    Like

    • Kenny says:

      LMFAO

      Danny tells her that she’s starting a Summer program soon and will be around kids again and then Michelle’s all, “Glen can go eat a dick.”

      LOL its priceless how fickle this asshole was ALL the time.

      Like

  3. Zack says:

    Great end to the season. FYI you called Jessie Jersey “I can’t believe I’m about to defend Jersey against Becky here,”

    Like

    • Billy Superstar says:

      yeah, that’s an old joke for longtime readers.

      Like

      • Kayla says:

        And it never seems to get old 🙂

        Like

      • Billy Superstar says:

        sorry, i just reread that comment and realized that i sounded like a total dickhead. i get really annoyed at myself whenever i leave typos on the blog and didn’t want a reference to be misinterpreted as such.

        Like

      • Cara says:

        Hi, okay so I just found this blog and have been reading it through from the beginning, and it is pure gold! I remember reading about the calling Jesse Jersey thing, but I can’t remember exactly how it was brought about, and I also don’t remember what season/episode it was from and don’t feel like reading through the entire blog again to find it (hey, I still have 4 more seasons of this hilarity to read!) so can someone just explain again how this came to be? I keep wondering every time I see it and I just can’t remember the first mention of this. THANKS!

        Like

      • Mildew says:

        It’s from season 4, episode 4, in which Jesse and the artist formerly known as Rebecca Donaldson publish their wedding announcement in the paper, but Jesse’s name is accidentally spelled “Jersey”, and he gets all butthurt. And he’s been Jersey ever since, but he will always be Asshole Parthenon to me!

        Like

      • jannghi says:

        I always assumed it was misprinted as “Jerse,” since “Jesse” doesn’t have a Y at the end.

        Like

  4. Teebore says:

    Danny takes her into the living room and says it’s hella obvious that she’s pregnant. It is the Season finale, after all.

    Holy crap, she’s preggers already?!? I never realized that happened so soon after the wedding. Those awful floppy haired moppets will be upon even sooner than I feared…

    Also, add “pregnancy” to the list of season ending plotlines the show blew through between the wedding and the finale. That’s a pretty large chunk of ground to cover in six episodes.

    Becky serves up a dinner of baby shrimp, baby corn and babyback ribs, hoping that Jesse will sense a theme

    That sounds like the most awful dinner ever. None of that goes well with the other. If I was Jersey I’d miss the theme just because I’d be too busy thinking “we’re having what now?”

    And it’s not like he’s letting that overshadow her becoming pregnant, she just never told him.

    And frankly, she really can’t get mad at him for not picking up on her lame hint.

    Danny tells her that she’s starting a Summer program soon and will be around kids again and then Michelle’s all, “Glen can go eat a dick.”

    Poor Glen. Even imaginary people get shafted by the residents of the full house.

    I can’t help but feel pretty bad for the artist formerly known as Rebecca Donaldson

    This really was a rough season for her, wasn’t it?

    Like

    • SpideyTerry says:

      “Poor Glen. Even imaginary people get shafted by the residents of the full house.”

      What’s scary is how characters usually just flat-out disappear on this show, but IMAGINARY FRIEND Glen was given an actual write-out.

      Like

    • Ben says:

      “Becky serves up a dinner of baby shrimp, baby corn and babyback ribs, hoping that Jesse will sense a theme

      That sounds like the most awful dinner ever. None of that goes well with the other. If I was Jersey I’d miss the theme just because I’d be too busy thinking “we’re having what now?”

      She should have just served him Balut, maybe then Jersey would taken the hint.

      Like

  5. Teebore says:

    Also, I actually remember the guy who looks like Wayne from an earlier episode because I checked IMDB to make sure he wasn’t John Favreau

    I’m glad you mentioned that, cuz I was going to do the same thing…

    Like

    • Jordan says:

      I actually did that today, because I kept seeing this page (since Friday) as I finished off catching up. Could’ve sworn that’s Favreau, but no. It’s just a ripper.

      Like

  6. Pete says:

    What is with that “tattoo” on Jesse’s arm? Did he let Michelle scribble on him? That is the weakest rock and roller tattoo of all-time. All-time!

    Like

  7. Isabelle says:

    Hey, the Frenchie is back with a question. I don’t understand what Becky draws on the board…help !

    Like

  8. Rustu says:

    Don’t “halve” a cow. You’re an asshole, Stephanie.

    Like

    • I thought the “donut half a cow” was the most impressive bit of comedy in the history of this lame ass show!

      Like

      • jannghi says:

        I did a variation on this image while playing Pictionary a while ago. I drew the halved cow with the “don’t” symbol (the circle with the slash down the middle). But no one got it, they guessed everything from “non-dairy” to “gluten-free.” The “halved” cow didn’t seem to be much of a clue.

        Like

  9. SpideyTerry says:

    “Instead it opens with a lengthy performance from Jesse and the Rippers, who have about 20 members at this point, including, apparently, Wayne and Garth.”

    Bet they got kicked out for saying “schwing” in the Full House.

    “Aunt Becky gets some exciting, mysterious news and then Danny takes her into the living room and says it’s hella obvious that she’s pregnant.”

    You always see on TV how the parents are informed of the new baby by a phone call (as it saves money on a set and another guest actor), but has this ever actually happened?

    “It is the Season finale, after all.”

    It’s disturbing how better shows of the day could end their seasons on one-off, no consequence stories, but this one ends a season with something eventful.

    “Jesse is understandably shocked, never expecting an impromptu game of Pictionary to bring life changing news.”

    Somehow they turned what should be an intimate moment between two people into something akin to Party Quirks on “Whose Line Is It Anyway?”

    “then Michelle’s all, “Glen can go eat a dick.””

    Guess pre-school taught Michelle something about her hometown, after all.

    “These talks made a lot more sense when Michelle was too young to say anything and they were really just Jesse’s monologues”

    Thank you for the qualifier “a lot more.” Those “world famous talks” were always silly, but I can forgive someone just talking things out on their own, even if a baby happens to be there. On the other hand, I wonder if listening to Jesse whine all the time is the reason why Michelle grew up to be so needy and demanding.

    “Jesse goes back up to the attic and tells Becky that he’s gonna tell his shitty band mates to go eat a dick so he can just just hang around the full house and tend to her needs all the time.”

    Keep this moment in mind when you get up to Season 8. If you don’t already know what I’m talking about, you will when you see it.

    Like

    • kp199 says:

      I’m four months late to this comment, but I’ve never heard of anybody, in real life, finding out they’re having a baby through a phone call. They either take a pregnancy test and confirm with a doctor (in person) or they just head straight to a doctor. But, I never expect logic with this show.

      Like

      • BC says:

        My mom found out over the phone. She went in for a blood test and they called her with the results. This was before ultrasounds, though.

        Like

  10. Zozo says:

    Becky gets pregnant only 7 weeks after the wedding? Uncle Jersey, you horn dog! Of course now Michelle will be even more confused. “You can get babies by doing taxes?” I shudder to picture the fictitious future.

    Like

  11. Cerbral PaulZ says:

    NOOOO, we’re getting closer to the time when the most unholy abominations upon television are released from the burning pits of hell. Nicky and Alex are coming, get out now while you still have your sanity! Bring this project to a close for your health!

    Like

    • Billy Superstar says:

      ok, you convinced me, i quit. you are responsible.

      Like

    • Roxanne says:

      Nicky and Alex were brought because the Olsen twins were growing up and they were loosing their “cute” factor but for some reason, Nicky and Alex were not the “hit” the producers expected. I thought they looked cute but, just like Michelle, they were given weird, grown-up words which sounded unnatural coming from the mouths of 3yo kids.

      Like

      • Cerebral PaulZ says:

        I’m not going to say anything rude because you are clearly blind and possibly insane. Let me describe Nicky and Alex for you, two gargoyles with razor sharp teeth that only appear for 30 seconds at a time to bombard you with heavily exaggerated attempts at emotional manipulation.

        Like

    • kp199 says:

      LMAO I know! They weren’t as bad as those horrible twins, Sam and David, from 7th Heaven though. I seriously think those two kids were socially delayed.

      Like

  12. Ruby Lee says:

    I realize this wasn’t the point of the episode but what really sticks out is how lame Jesse’s band is. The whole “record deal” sub-plot could have easily turned in to a full-fledged episode where it turns out they’re being punk’d by the record industry.

    Why would the record executive come to the Full House basement/Joey’s room to hear them play? First off, the band itself is terrible. They have a keytarist, for heaven’s sake. And I seem to recall them having a full-time tamborine player, too. I’m not sure what year this was, but the fact that almost everyone in the 2nd screenshot has a mullet seems unacceptable. Maybe the record exec was actually Danny wearing one of Michelle’s wigs?

    Like

    • Martin Tanner's Ghost says:

      Every time I hear Jesse’s band play, I want to punch a dog in the face.

      And I love dogs.

      Like

    • Jen says:

      But yet the family’s always hanging around rehearsal, snapping and getting jiggy wit’ it, even though, in reality, they’d probably rather eat broken glass than suffer through another set by Jersey’s shitty band.

      Like

    • Bubba the Turtle says:

      Even when I watched this as a kid it stood out what a shit sandwich that Jersey’s band was.

      And seriously, why couldn’t the show write at least an original song or two for the Rippers to perform? The 80s/early 90s perpetrated plenty of crimes against music, but even then it wasn’t like record companies were passing out record contracts to cover bands doling out shitty retreads of songs from 25 years earlier.

      Also, that record label guy with his clichéd ponytail that was de rigeur for any antagonist in every late 80s movie ever gets my vote for third most punch able face on this show so far just on general principle. Not bad for a few seconds worth of screen time.

      Like

  13. Jeff says:

    The first thing I thought when I saw the keytarist was Wayne Gretzky.

    Like

  14. Roxanne says:

    Oh man, just wait until you have to watch season 5 premiere, you’re going to go crazy..all those hallucinations Jesse has…annoying as hell

    Like

  15. Carlita says:

    I never realized how soon after the wedding, Aunt Becky gets pregnant by Jersey! It’s like the writers were too anxious to wait to throw that in there in another season. They had to do it at the end of S4 just cos it was not only the most obvious thing to do, but they had nothing else to think of. Oh Full House, you so crazy.

    Like

  16. PuppetDoctor says:

    The twins are coming soon! One more blog post and I will be all caught up and then have tow wait for you to come back from break =(. I was really looking forward to reading your torture through the later seasons with new characters such as Teddy.

    Like

  17. Multirachael says:

    Holy crap, I remember this episode from when I was a kid! “CHEESE HALF INK A BABY, AND THAT *SHE* IS *ME*!” I remember thinking, even as a wee tyke, that that was a really fucking dumb way to go about telling your husband you’re pregnant, and why didn’t she just tell him outright instead of doing the most convoluted, dumb thing ever. But, having made it this far with you, I now understand that it’s just par for the course with these assholes.

    Like

  18. “When Stephanie finally says it who it is it turns out to be the doctor calling for Aunt Becky, which you might think would have struck her as important enough to say without making a bunch of lame jokes first.”

    When I read this, seriously my stomach dropped. I can only think of one reason a doctor would be calling Rebecca Donaldson-Cochran-Katsopolis.

    “Aunt Becky gets some exciting, mysterious news and then Danny takes her into the living room and says it’s hella obvious that she’s pregnant. ”

    And there it is. I just shit myself. I could feel it coming, just didn’t know it would be so soon.

    “I can’t believe I’m about to defend Jersey against Becky here, but it is pretty understandable that he’d be that excited about landing a record deal.”

    OK, sure, but she clearly is wearing a totally sexy red dress AND has a candle all lit up and carried all that food up three fucking floors for him. You’d think he could at least give her a nice pat on the ass.

    “Eventually Becky comes downstairs and discreetly informs the family that Jesse doesn’t know about the baby yet. She struggles to come up with a way to tell him and reaches the only logical conclusion: Pictionary.”

    Jesus. The full house works fast. She’s already lost her mind. And she’s about to introduce TWO new people into the house. Seriously, can you image how crowded those bathrooms must get? I bet there are times when you have to take a number.

    Like

  19. Chalieeee ;) says:

    Dude you are a genius….and you should definitely have a book with all of these in it by the end of the series! 😀

    Like

  20. Emily says:

    So, the record exec? He shows up next season as a waiter. What a downgrade. Must have been fired from the record label ’cause he was responsible for signing The Rippers.

    http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0267660/

    Like

    • The Venerable Bede says:

      +10 for the interesting factoid. +1,000,000 for your theory behind it.

      Like

    • Bubba the Turtle says:

      Yeah, signing the Rippers should get you permabanned from the music industry. Like seriously, he shouldn’t even be allowed to so much as listen to music after that. Strip him of his Walkman!

      What’s even funnier is that chronologically speaking, this douchenozzle would be signing the Rippers right as Nirvana’s Nevermind was about to drop and drive a stake deep into the heart of shitty 80s excess. That is, until mid-aughts hipster kids decided it would be cool to unleash that horrible beast again.

      Like

  21. The Venerable Bede says:

    It appears I spoke too soon in the last review about Becky’s horrible outfits! Not that it’s not still true, but DAMN, that red dress!

    Like

  22. Madeline says:

    I love how Becky gets a phone call that everyone knows is from the doctor and then Danny takes it upon himself to be like “bitch you pregnant.” How is it any of his business? Asshole Danny.

    Like

  23. SavaFiend says:

    I looked at Stephanie’s drawing and my first thought was that she was trying to draw “Asshole”. Like the ass end of something + a hole = asshole.

    Like

  24. Megan says:

    so Uncle Jesse is gonna be a dad and Danny and Joey will be Uncle’s

    Like

  25. JCC says:

    Episode title seemed like it would work better with the previous episode what with Danny’s plot and all…

    Like

  26. John Q says:

    I love how on these sit-coms from the 1980’s-90’s, married couples getting pregnant is still some kind of huge mystery and shock like it was in 1950’s sit-coms. It’s like birth control hadn’t been invented or any concept of planned parenthood existed. Seriously Jesse says that he wasn’t planning of having kids for 3-4 years because of his music and that he’s kind of shocked by all of this. Well it just makes them look like a bunch of dumb-ass people who have no clue that unprotected sex could result in pregnancy.

    I have to say Lori Laughlin looked smoking hot in that red dress. You kind of forget how hot she was because they usually have her dressed in Little House of the Prairie clothes. Look at that hideous thing she’s wearing in the opening shot that makes her look like she’s Amish or something.

    I love how they have a scene where Uncle Jessie seriously takes pregnancy and life advice from a 5 year old.

    Yeah, Jesse and the Rippers has about 15 members now with a full brass ensemble.

    Man, this show was so massively cheap. They have the damn audition in Joey’s bedroom?? WTF?? They can’t even use another set that would seem the least bit plausible?? And forget about hiring an actor to play the doctor or the other Rippers actually being able to say a line.

    Like

  27. Lloyd Mongul says:

    Egg utter
    Pizza half whiskey tampon ink
    This pictonary is hard

    Like

  28. Jessica says:

    I am super late to this blog, but you are a genius!! Everything I have thought about this show while watching it as and adult, you talk ab in your entry. I have blown through the blog and will probably read it again when I finish bc I’m in tears after each one!! If you u ever decide to take on another show, I will defiantly help out with the DVD purchases!!

    Like

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