Season 5, Episode 2, “Matchmaker Michelle”

Pre-Credits Gag:  Michelle runs into DJ’s room and shouts at her to wake up to watch Saturday morning cartoons with her because every joke on Full House has to be about somebody bothering someone else.  Then Joey runs in and tells Michelle to hurry up and come downstairs to watch cartoons with him because there’s actually one other kind of joke on full house, which is the one about Joey being an idiot.

Teddy comes over to play with Michelle because they are best friends now.  Teddy tells Michelle that he wants to play Terminator 2, which prompts Joey to say about ten million one-liners in an Arnold Schwarzenegger voice.  After he finally leaves the kids agree that Terminator 2 is now ruined forever by Joey’s impressions and decide to play house instead.  Teddy insists that Michelle play the role of the mommy and Michelle says she doesn’t know how to because her mom’s a rotting corpse.  Teddy’s like, damn, that sucks dick that your mom’s dead.  Having a mom’s the muthafuckin shit.  Then Michelle makes a hideous ape face that manipulates the audience into going, “aww.”

DJ comes home and explains to Danny and Stephanie that she and Kimmie Gibbler have to switch identities for a class project.  They’re going to live in each other’s houses and wear each other’s clothes and everything.  How is that a school project?  What about all the other kids in their class who were given this assignment and weren’t paired with their best friend who is also their next door neighbor?  And why doesn’t Danny have any say in this?  The whole thing’s just hoisted onto everyone in the full house with no notice.  Speaking of notice, I noticed that Kimmie Gibbler’s sporting braces now, but you know what I noticed even more?  That Bell Biv Devoe poster on DJ’s wall.  Pretty sweet.

Jesse comes home and whines about how his shitty band got turned down for a record deal because they’re too soft.  Joey and Becky acknowledge that Jesse’s turned into a real pussy since he moved into the full house and don’t bother to remind him that his shitty band already got a record contract during the last episode of Season 4.  Becky suggests that Jesse and Joey rekindle their partnership to work on a new image for Jesse.  Joey decides that he’s got nothing better to do since the job that he got at the end of last Season has also mysteriously been forgotten about so he agrees to help out.  Joey also does an impression of the Tasmanian Devil that includes spitting in Jesse’s face.  I wish I’d kept a tally on the number of times Joey’s made a joke that involved him spitting all over the place.  He just won’t stop doing it.

Jesse and Joey wander off to go work on their stupid idea, leaving Becky alone in the kitchen as she eats an entire turkey.  I find it remarkable that this joke about her eating an enormous amount of food is purely visual, as nobody makes a single stupid remark about it.  That’s gotta be as close as this show’s ever come to subtlety.  Anyway, Michelle approaches Aunt Becky and asks how she might go about finding a mommy for herself.  Becky, displaying the lack of reasoning or sensitivity she’s developed since moving into the full house, ignores the deeper psychological issues that are clearly being presented to her and simply offers up some idiotic advice about candlelight dinners being a catalyst for two people falling in love.  When Michelle asks why Danny never seems to get any pussy, Becky hypothesizes that it’s because he’s got an obsessive compulsive cleaning problem and never shuts the fuck up, so maybe she’s not so far gone after all.

Kimmie Gibbler, playing the role of DJ, orders Stephanie to go get her a doughnut, but Stephanie just tells her to fuck off.

Joey tries to get Jesse to wear a long, blonde wig to look more like the guys from Nelson, but Jesse hates it, preferring to resemble guys from cooler bands like Whitesnake or Poison.  After some more brainstorming, Joey suggests a new persona for Jesse called “Vulture.”  This seems like a fitting metaphor for the uncles to use, as vultures are known for swooping down on dead bodies in order to acquire sustenance, which pretty well defines their role in this series.

When Danny picks Michelle up from school, she introduces him to her teacher.  Michelle’s teacher is played by June Lockhart, known for her roles in Lassie and Lost in Space (not to mention C.H.U.D. 2), which I failed to realize last episode (thanks, comments section!).  As Danny and June Lockhart share an informal chat, Michelle tells Teddy that their teacher’s gonna be her new mommy, and Teddy’s like, damn, bitch, that’s a fucked-up ass scheme. Michelle convinces Danny to invite June Lockhart over for lunch, certain that that this will inevitably lead to him inserting his penis into her geriatric vagina, followed by a wedding ceremony.

Stephanie hides in the closet because she’s so sick of Kimmie Gibbler’s incessant rambling, which provides us with another sweet shot of that Bell Biv Devoe poster.  Seriously, where can I buy one of those?  DJ stops by to pick up her skates for roller derby night at the Gibbler’s and says she’s having a pretty good time over there.  That’s actually the final mention of this tertiary storyline, which never amounted to anything or made any sense.

Danny and Becky arrive at the Smash Club to see Jesse’s show.  Joey comes out in that blonde Nelson wig and tells Danny that he likes his “bogus” sweater, which is actually an insult even though neither of them seem to realize it.  Jesse begins his performance, unveiling his Vulture persona, which isn’t really different than anything he’s done before except that he’s suspended from the ceiling on some wires.  Naturally, Joey’s too fucking stupid to figure out how to get the wires to reach the ground and Jesse spends the performance dangling a few inches above the stage.  Rather than try to play this off, Joey fumbles inefficiently onstage and eventually sends Jesse sailing over the audience while his band play their g-rated imitation of thrasher metal.

Later, back at the full house, Jesse laments his failure of a performance and Joey suggests a new persona for him, “Gopher.”  Jesse decides the technical difficulties that prevented him for being lowered onto the stage properly mean that he should just go back to being himself and that he should continue seeking out a record label for his band.  Or maybe he could just go ahead with the record contract that he already signed at the end of last Season, for fuck’s sake!

As Danny heads to the door to let June Lockhart in, Michelle gives him some flowers to hand to her and reminds him not to talk about himself like an asshole.  June Lockhart enters, sporting a coat with some awe-inspiring shoulder pads, and Michelle immediately starts pressuring them into doing the nasty.

Michelle brings them to the kitchen and shows the the peanut butter and jelly lunch she’s made for them.  Really, Danny let Michelle make lunch?  I know that he’s not actually trying to get laid at the end of this or anything but I think a general concern for his own health might prevent him from allowing his 5 year old daughter to make them lunch.  After Michelle does some more little kid renditions of setting a romantic mood she finally withdraws from the scene, which leaves Danny wondering what the fuck is going on.  June Lockhart tells him that Michelle’s doing fine in school so there’s no reason for all this blatant ass-kissing and then Michelle pokes her head in and is like, “stick it in already!”  Danny and June Lockhart finally realize what’s going on and June Lockhart’s like, “sorry kid, but your dad’s totally unfuckable,” which makes Michelle pout and head upstairs while the audience goes, “aww.”  Danny asks June Lockhart if he can excuse himself to go talk to her and then after he leaves there’s this great superfluous shot of her staring off into the distance looking sympathetic.  Actually, she’s probably just waiting for someone to hand her a check so she can go home.

Danny enters Michelle’s room to console her as she complains about not having a mommy.  The music comes on as he explains that there are all kinds of families and even though theirs is unconventional, it’s filled with obnoxious useless assholes who care about her very much.  Michelle is consoled and then Danny totally grabs her ass while they hug.  Weird!

As they head downstairs to continue their lunch with June Lockhart, Danny tells Michelle that he’s got no problem with her being his wingman but next time she might want to set him up with someone who’s less than a hundred billion years old.

A Few Announcements: 

FHR has some new developments thanks to a few helpful people working behind the scenes.  For starters, there’s a brand new Full House Reviewed forum!  Fans have been conversing quite a bit in the comments section, so a forum seemed like a natural progression for the site.  It’s run by a FHR insider who goes by the name of Potatey, but I should be dropping in from time to time myself.  Check that shit out!

There are also ads on the site now and every time you click on them I get a tiny bit of money!  I’d really appreciate it if you’d get in the habit of spending less than a second clicking on an ad when you visit the site, which would be really helpful with paying for the costs of maintaining it.  I’m sure as hell not trying to get rich writing this blog, but web hosting aint free and it’d be really nice if it would at least pay for itself.



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53 Responses to Season 5, Episode 2, “Matchmaker Michelle”

  1. Hebrewersfan says:

    I like Danny’s response to Joey making fun of his “bogus” sweater: Machine washable dude!

    I like the picture of Danny shaking hands with Michelle’s teacher, Michelle has her eyes all over Danny’s crotch, giving it the perv stare.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Hebrewersfan says:

    Oh, just noticed the captions for the links on the right side to buy the seasons on Amazon, hilarious!


  3. Starved Dog says:

    Oh Teddy, how I loathe thee!
    This little stain goes on to star in his own show called Smart Guy.


    • williec29 says:

      Yeah, I couldn’t stand him either. Also, his sisters, who are two of the ugliest people on the planet, went on to star in their Sister, Sister show, which I am sure is equally bad as Full House.


  4. Steve C says:

    “Thrasher metal.” Haha. You’re as clueless as Danny and Joey. Good review, though.


  5. Wilkins says:

    Kimmie Gibbler switching places with DJ? Talk about an upgrade! You’d think somebody from the full house would’ve called the school to see if they could make that shit permanent.

    “Joey comes out in that blonde Nelson wig and tells Danny that he likes his “bogus” sweater, which is actually an insult even though neither of them seem to realize it.” And neither did the writers, obviously.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Bubba the Turtle says:

      You have to consider the context. After the 1989 classic “Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure”, the word “bogus” was sometimes thrown around to mean “awesome” or “far out”. Much in the same way that “bad” sometimes meant “good” in the 80s.

      Of course, this episode was from 1991 so of course every bit of pop culture juice had long been wrung out of “bogus” before the shitty-ass writers of Full House got around to using it to seem relevant.


  6. nickv22 says:

    I was sooooo convinced for months that this scene with uncle jesse all paranoid on his vulture wires at some ridiculous ‘rock’ club was the WMOAT so hyped earlier in this blog.

    I wasn’t pissed or anything when the author revealed the moment to be the kindergarten rock show thing- FH touched us all in different places.

    But this was my moment and thus my first moment to chime in after a lot of FHR reading.

    I can’t even really say “I hate it”. Even when I was like 10 or whatever… it made me feel a weird mix of uncool, dirty, voyeuristic, and shy deep in my stomach. It still feels the same. Something like masturbating in the changing room at Aeropostale.

    Liked by 2 people

  7. Jordan says:

    What’s interesting about the ads (and the link to the forum) is that they’re only visible when you’re looking at the site proper. When clicking on the headline to each blog entry (or if you want to comment), you’re taken to a page that only has the entry itself.


  8. PuppetDoctor says:

    So many funny lines in this episode review. My favorite one being:

    “Danny asks June Lockhart if he can excuse himself to go talk to her and then after he leaves there’s this great superfluous shot of her staring off into the distance looking sympathetic. Actually, she’s probably just waiting for someone to hand her a check so she can go home.”


  9. Dr. Bitz says:

    Oh oh oh! Another sitcom cliche! Two characters “Trading Places.” But, as silly as this scenario is, it’s still ten times more realistic than the zany “students trade places with the teachersprincipal” episode of Saved By The Bell.

    Also, I remember this episode pretty much just for the Jersey “Vulture” gimmick. Up until then, as a young ‘un, I still considered Jersey a rebel badboy (despite all evidence to the contrary). But seeing Jersey try to be hip and edgy only to put forth a Musac version of heavy metal and fail completely finally made me see that Jersey was just as big of pussy as anyone else on this show.


  10. Teebore says:

    Teddy tells Michelle that he wants to play Terminator 2

    Call me a prude, but these kids are like 5, right? I get that things permeate the pop culture zeitgeist in such a way that kids will pick up on stuff far outside their age limit (heck, there was a Robocop cartoon when I was a kid), but would wee little Teddy really enough about Terminator 2 to want to play it? If so, does that mean he saw it? Cuz that’s crazy.

    How is that a school project?

    Seriously. And they have to wear the others’ clothes? Talk about self-esteem issues. I hope all the female partners were the same bra size, or else things got really messy…

    which I failed to realize last episode

    Hell, I’m impressed they used the same actress for the same role in two consecutive episodes.


    • Kayla says:

      Also why was DJ packing clothes (and why would Kimmy need suitcases) if they are wearing each others’ clothes?


      • williec29 says:

        Realistically they could not wear eachother’s clothes. Going back to last season, DJ thinks she is so grossly overweight that she goes on a crash diet….


    • lugnut says:

      Only over a year late as usual, but I can testify that T2 did indeed have an insane marketing blitz that made sure every kid in the world knew about it before it had even hit theaters. Comic books, action figures, trading cards, an endless amount of merchandise and other tie-ins for seemingly months building up to its release. It was one of those movies that was such a big deal that kids would lie to other kids about having seen it, making up plot points based on whatever they’d seen in trailers or magazines… which was a lot of fun for us kids who actually *had* seen the movie, since then we could call them out on their shit in front of everybody.


  11. CerebralPaulZ says:

    This episode actually messed my life up a little bit. Teddy says that fabric softener on pajamas is one of the awesome things about having a mom and my mom didn’t use it. She said it made her sensitive skin burn, but I begged her to use it on my pajamas. Long story short, fabric softener made my skin burn too but I was too embarrassed to tell my mom. Bedtime was a nightmare until I went to college. Thanks a lot Full House.


  12. Katie says:

    Why is the lack of a mother only an issue once or twice per season? Then when Danny does have some sort of date, like the bachelor of the month episode that hasn’t happened yet, Michelle gets all butt hurt and sad that she’s sooo neglected. Make up your damn mind, kid. Do you want a mom or not?


  13. Theresa says:

    I’m a LOOOOONG time reader but I’ve never ever commented. However, this was the funniest blog you’ve ever written, in my humble opinion. Your utter disdain for these characters fuels this blog with hilarious results. Thanks for writing this. Makes me laugh every single time…but this week was just extra special. (Waiting for someone to hand her a check…hahahahhahahahahah)


  14. Wondercat3000 says:

    I think this is the closest you’ll ever get to that Bell Biv Devoe poster. It’s still fucking sweet if you ask me.


  15. furburger says:

    goddammit. thank you. this was the cocktail of laughs i needed after an eat shit day. i mean it usually makes my friday but today in particular, it was glorious. i will click ads x a billionty for you. thankyouthankyouthankyou


  16. Navarro says:

    all ive got to say is that you are going to HATE season 7 lol


  17. Kayla says:

    Why is it supposed to be totally normal that DJ is sleeping the wrong way on her bed? pillows are at the footboard and everything. Guess it was an easier camera shot with her in that position.


  18. Lauren H says:

    The brilliance of this week’s blog can be summed up in two words: geriatric vagina.


  19. Nicky says:

    on full house –> on Full House
    Kimmie x4 –> Kimmy (this is according to imdb anyway)
    each others x2 –> each other’s
    the full house x4 –> the Full House
    obsessive compulsive –> obsessive-compulsive
    fucked-up ass –> fucked-up-ass
    at the Gibblers –> at the Gibblers’
    Gofer –> Gopher
    fucks sake –> fuck’s sake
    Michelle bring –> brings
    5 year old –> 5-year-old
    little kid –> little-kid


    • Jimbone says:

      I hope this was supposed to be comedic. “little kid” is not hyphenated. Nor is “fucked-up-ass.” Fucked-up is the descriptive adjective describing the noun “ass.” Also, the show is called Full House. But when our gracious reviewer talks about the events taking place in said house that is full he sometimes says “in the full house” referring to the house rather than the show.


      Liked by 1 person

      • Billy Superstar says:

        nicky and i have an agreement where she copy edits my posts. im a little concerned about your negative critique~what do you think, nicky?


    • It’s “at the Gibbler’s,” not “at the Gibblers’.” Her last name isn’t Gibblers, it’s Gibbler. If you are going to correct grammar, please know what the fuck you are doing before attempting to do so.


      • Adam says:

        I’m a first-time poster here, and I love this blog so much! Like many others here, I grew up watching and loving Full House (in Saudi Arabia, which at the time had rather limited English-language programming), but never noticed quite how awful it was until billysuperstar opened my eyes. I was moved to make this comment because, in my view, Nicky’s comments have been attracting huge amounts of completely unwarranted vitriol for rather a long time.

        In defence of Nicky, I second the use of “at the Gibblers'”, since the house belongs to the Gibblers (plural), not just one Gibbler. Also, “5-year-old” indicates something that is five years old, whereas “5 year-old” means five things that are each one year old. “Little-kid” is also correct in this context, as it’s a compound adjective. “Little-kid sensibilities” means the sensibilities of a little kid, while “little kid sensibilities” would mean that the sensibilities are little, not the kid. And “fucked-up-ass” is probably correct too, as it is also a compound adjective, in this instance describing the nature of Michelle’s (ridiculous and psychologically disturbing) scheme to replace her mother with her teacher.

        Of course, even without any of the corrections that Nicky suggests, the blog is still perfectly intelligible. I’m not a fan of prescriptive grammarianism, but considering Nicky and billysuperstar have an official copyediting agreement, I think we should avoid reaming her out every time she says anything.

        So much for grammar, now back to reading more about that muthafucka Duckface!

        Liked by 2 people

      • Lisa says:

        Dudes. Agreed, these probably should have been done by private e-mail. But Internet hubris never fails to amaze me. These people jumping down Nicky’s throat for being wrong have no concept of being wrong themselves. As someone with a journalism degree, I will testify that she and Adam are correct. It IS Gibblers’, little-kid IS hyphenated in the context of that sentence, and it IS 5-year-old.

        Liked by 3 people

    • 5 year-old, not 5-year-old.
      Little kid is correct, not little-kid.
      Fucked up ass not hyphenated whatsoever.

      Liked by 1 person

    • Sara Wilson says:

      Kind of silly to comment on this now I’m aware, and no one really cares, lol… but perhaps you guys should have had these editing exchanges through private email or something? I’ve seen this on almost every post where Nicky made a correction and it’s clear people are going to jump down her throat because she doesn’t even say anything to you except the corrections. It makes her look like a douche although she’s probably not.. but it seems obvious that was going to happen. Maybe she should have said “hey here’s what we talked about..” and then listed the edits. The way she does it looks trollish.

      Liked by 1 person

  20. JerrBear says:

    Oh Michelle, Danny would never get that old lady wet.


  21. sciguy says:

    Okay – nobody made a Bel biv davoe Michelle that girl is poison reference. I’m disappointed people.


  22. “Michelle’s teacher is played by June Lockhart, known for her roles in Lassie and Lost in Space (not to mention C.H.U.D. 2), which I failed to realize last episode (thanks, comments section!).”

    Dude, C.H.U.D. was the shit! Its on Netflix instant and I rewatched it recently. I didn’t realize that Kevin McAlister’s dad was in it. I don’t remember C.H.U.D.2 though, I will have to watch that one.


  23. kp199 says:

    “Actually, she’s probably just waiting for someone to hand her a check so she can go home.”

    And boom goes the dynamite.


  24. Sarah Portland says:

    This ep was on last night, so I watched it out of morbid curiosity. I couldn’t sit through 5 seconds without imagining a snarky BIlly Superstar description of each scene. Thank you for that, sir. ❤


  25. “Teddy insists that Michelle play the role of the mommy and Michelle says she doesn’t know how to because her mom’s a rotting corpse. Teddy’s like, damn, that sucks dick that your mom’s dead. Having a mom’s the muthafuckin shit. Then Michelle makes a hideous ape face that manipulates the audience into going, “aww.””

    Continue to make me laugh!!! That is the funniest shit on the Interweb.


    • Adam says:

      Agreed! This review is one of the best I’ve read so far. This blog is essentially the only thing on the internet that makes me laugh out loud on a regular basis.


  26. Laura says:

    wow. that screen cap of Jesse in the wig? it’s downright disturbing if you do more than glance at it. it looks like a prop joey and jesse might use when they make sweet, sweet love.


  27. Kenny says:

    and then Michelle pokes her head in and is like, “stick it in already!” Danny and June Lockhart finally realize what’s going on and June Lockhart’s like, “sorry kid, but your dad’s totally unfuckable.



  28. Frank says:

    I discovered this site a few weeks ago so I’m a little late to the party, but at least I don’t have to wait a week for the next review.
    Man, you are doing gods work here. I remember watching this show as a child (because it was on, I guess) and even then thinking it was corny, especially the special talks at the end with the sappy music that seemed to resolve everything in about 30 seconds. I also recognized that Michelle was a bitch who thought the world revolved around her. Anyway, I’m glad there is someone out there who took the time to elaborate on the horribleness of this show, one episode at a time. I really think Full House is the perfect subject for this treatment because it is so bad yet was so enormously successful; I can only sum it up as right place right time.
    I salute you, sir, and I can’t wait to get to the disney world episode.

    Liked by 1 person

  29. John Q says:

    Play “Terminator 2” WTF? how old were those kids, 5??? That was like the most violent movie of its time and rated R, did those kids actually see the movie??

    WTF kind of asinine “school project” would be about kids switching houses for 2-3 days without any parental permission? What an odd and random subplot that never pays off for anything just kind of disappears by the midway point. I’ve said it before, the Full House writers are easily among the laziest I’ve ever seen for a hit show. I must of felt like stealing money writing for that show.

    Didn’t Jesse’s band get a huge record deal in the big season 4 finale??

    Becky sitting down ready to eat the entire turkey was a hilarious WTF moment? I kept waiting for the punch line and nothing happened.

    Another weird creepy awkward moment as Michelle is trying to fix her absent minded 66 year teacher with her 34 year old father. What kind of bizarre world do they live in where coming over one of your student’s house for a peanut butter and jelly sandwich is normal?? I guess they just hired June Lockhart for these two episodes because we never see her again in the series and I guess Michelle has a different kindergarden teacher. June Lockhart seemed to appear in dozens of small parts in a bunch of 70’s-80’s to 90’s show as a bit of nostalgia for the baby boomer staff/audience.

    I love how Joey has all the L.A. King stuff on his wall when the character is supposed to be living in S.F.

    It’s hilarious that the Rippers would just easily and suddenly change their musically style to G-rated heavy metal.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Bubba the Turtle says:

      Can’t believe I’m actually going to defend Joey here, but at the time there was no NHL team in the Bay Area. The only team in California was the LA Kings and they had just signed the biggest name in the sport, Wayne Gretzky. Right around this time, the NHL added expansion franchises in San Jose and Anaheim but before they arrived the Kings were the only team on the West Coast (in the US).

      As for Jersey, at least they didn’t bother to labor under any pretense of artistic integrity. That muthafucka Jersey was looking to sell out as quickly as possible. If it meant giving a handie to some schmuck in a greasy ponytail to secure a slot opening up for Raffi, you better believe that Jersey woulda got tuggin’ yesterday.


  30. Matt says:

    Just watched this episode on Nick at Nite – and I noticed that when Danny says “bon appetit,” there’s a full sandwich on his plate. A second later, when Michelle asks them if they’re doing it, he starts choking and we see only half of a sandwich. So Danny at half a sandwich in two seconds! And they tease Becky for eating a lot?


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