Season 5, Episode 2, “Matchmaker Michelle”

Pre-Credits Gag:  Michelle runs into DJ’s room and shouts at her to wake up to watch Saturday morning cartoons with her because every joke on Full House has to be about somebody bothering someone else.  Then Joey runs in and tells Michelle to hurry up and come downstairs to watch cartoons with him because there’s actually one other kind of joke on full house, which is the one about Joey being an idiot.

Teddy comes over to play with Michelle because they are best friends now.  Teddy tells Michelle that he wants to play Terminator 2, which prompts Joey to say about ten million one-liners in an Arnold Schwarzenegger voice.  After he finally leaves the kids agree that Terminator 2 is now ruined forever by Joey’s impressions and decide to play house instead.  Teddy insists that Michelle play the role of the mommy and Michelle says she doesn’t know how to because her mom’s a rotting corpse.  Teddy’s like, damn, that sucks dick that your mom’s dead.  Having a mom’s the muthafuckin shit.  Then Michelle makes a hideous ape face that manipulates the audience into going, “aww.”

DJ comes home and explains to Danny and Stephanie that she and Kimmie Gibbler have to switch identities for a class project.  They’re going to live in each other’s houses and wear each other’s clothes and everything.  How is that a school project?  What about all the other kids in their class who were given this assignment and weren’t paired with their best friend who is also their next door neighbor?  And why doesn’t Danny have any say in this?  The whole thing’s just hoisted onto everyone in the full house with no notice.  Speaking of notice, I noticed that Kimmie Gibbler’s sporting braces now, but you know what I noticed even more?  That Bell Biv Devoe poster on DJ’s wall.  Pretty sweet.

Jesse comes home and whines about how his shitty band got turned down for a record deal because they’re too soft.  Joey and Becky acknowledge that Jesse’s turned into a real pussy since he moved into the full house and don’t bother to remind him that his shitty band already got a record contract during the last episode of Season 4.  Becky suggests that Jesse and Joey rekindle their partnership to work on a new image for Jesse.  Joey decides that he’s got nothing better to do since the job that he got at the end of last Season has also mysteriously been forgotten about so he agrees to help out.  Joey also does an impression of the Tasmanian Devil that includes spitting in Jesse’s face.  I wish I’d kept a tally on the number of times Joey’s made a joke that involved him spitting all over the place.  He just won’t stop doing it.

Jesse and Joey wander off to go work on their stupid idea, leaving Becky alone in the kitchen as she eats an entire turkey.  I find it remarkable that this joke about her eating an enormous amount of food is purely visual, as nobody makes a single stupid remark about it.  That’s gotta be as close as this show’s ever come to subtlety.  Anyway, Michelle approaches Aunt Becky and asks how she might go about finding a mommy for herself.  Becky, displaying the lack of reasoning or sensitivity she’s developed since moving into the full house, ignores the deeper psychological issues that are clearly being presented to her and simply offers up some idiotic advice about candlelight dinners being a catalyst for two people falling in love.  When Michelle asks why Danny never seems to get any pussy, Becky hypothesizes that it’s because he’s got an obsessive compulsive cleaning problem and never shuts the fuck up, so maybe she’s not so far gone after all.

Kimmie Gibbler, playing the role of DJ, orders Stephanie to go get her a doughnut, but Stephanie just tells her to fuck off.

Joey tries to get Jesse to wear a long, blonde wig to look more like the guys from Nelson, but Jesse hates it, preferring to resemble guys from cooler bands like Whitesnake or Poison.  After some more brainstorming, Joey suggests a new persona for Jesse called “Vulture.”  This seems like a fitting metaphor for the uncles to use, as vultures are known for swooping down on dead bodies in order to acquire sustenance, which pretty well defines their role in this series.

When Danny picks Michelle up from school, she introduces him to her teacher.  Michelle’s teacher is played by June Lockhart, known for her roles in Lassie and Lost in Space (not to mention C.H.U.D. 2), which I failed to realize last episode (thanks, comments section!).  As Danny and June Lockhart share an informal chat, Michelle tells Teddy that their teacher’s gonna be her new mommy, and Teddy’s like, damn, bitch, that’s a fucked-up ass scheme. Michelle convinces Danny to invite June Lockhart over for lunch, certain that that this will inevitably lead to him inserting his penis into her geriatric vagina, followed by a wedding ceremony.

Stephanie hides in the closet because she’s so sick of Kimmie Gibbler’s incessant rambling, which provides us with another sweet shot of that Bell Biv Devoe poster.  Seriously, where can I buy one of those?  DJ stops by to pick up her skates for roller derby night at the Gibbler’s and says she’s having a pretty good time over there.  That’s actually the final mention of this tertiary storyline, which never amounted to anything or made any sense.

Danny and Becky arrive at the Smash Club to see Jesse’s show.  Joey comes out in that blonde Nelson wig and tells Danny that he likes his “bogus” sweater, which is actually an insult even though neither of them seem to realize it.  Jesse begins his performance, unveiling his Vulture persona, which isn’t really different than anything he’s done before except that he’s suspended from the ceiling on some wires.  Naturally, Joey’s too fucking stupid to figure out how to get the wires to reach the ground and Jesse spends the performance dangling a few inches above the stage.  Rather than try to play this off, Joey fumbles inefficiently onstage and eventually sends Jesse sailing over the audience while his band play their g-rated imitation of thrasher metal.

Later, back at the full house, Jesse laments his failure of a performance and Joey suggests a new persona for him, “Gopher.”  Jesse decides the technical difficulties that prevented him for being lowered onto the stage properly mean that he should just go back to being himself and that he should continue seeking out a record label for his band.  Or maybe he could just go ahead with the record contract that he already signed at the end of last Season, for fuck’s sake!

As Danny heads to the door to let June Lockhart in, Michelle gives him some flowers to hand to her and reminds him not to talk about himself like an asshole.  June Lockhart enters, sporting a coat with some awe-inspiring shoulder pads, and Michelle immediately starts pressuring them into doing the nasty.

Michelle brings them to the kitchen and shows the the peanut butter and jelly lunch she’s made for them.  Really, Danny let Michelle make lunch?  I know that he’s not actually trying to get laid at the end of this or anything but I think a general concern for his own health might prevent him from allowing his 5 year old daughter to make them lunch.  After Michelle does some more little kid renditions of setting a romantic mood she finally withdraws from the scene, which leaves Danny wondering what the fuck is going on.  June Lockhart tells him that Michelle’s doing fine in school so there’s no reason for all this blatant ass-kissing and then Michelle pokes her head in and is like, “stick it in already!”  Danny and June Lockhart finally realize what’s going on and June Lockhart’s like, “sorry kid, but your dad’s totally unfuckable,” which makes Michelle pout and head upstairs while the audience goes, “aww.”  Danny asks June Lockhart if he can excuse himself to go talk to her and then after he leaves there’s this great superfluous shot of her staring off into the distance looking sympathetic.  Actually, she’s probably just waiting for someone to hand her a check so she can go home.

Danny enters Michelle’s room to console her as she complains about not having a mommy.  The music comes on as he explains that there are all kinds of families and even though theirs is unconventional, it’s filled with obnoxious useless assholes who care about her very much.  Michelle is consoled and then Danny totally grabs her ass while they hug.  Weird!

As they head downstairs to continue their lunch with June Lockhart, Danny tells Michelle that he’s got no problem with her being his wingman but next time she might want to set him up with someone who’s less than a hundred billion years old.

A Few Announcements: 

FHR has some new developments thanks to a few helpful people working behind the scenes.  For starters, there’s a brand new Full House Reviewed forum!  Fans have been conversing quite a bit in the comments section, so a forum seemed like a natural progression for the site.  It’s run by a FHR insider who goes by the name of Potatey, but I should be dropping in from time to time myself.  Check that shit out!

There are also ads on the site now and every time you click on them I get a tiny bit of money!  I’d really appreciate it if you’d get in the habit of spending less than a second clicking on an ad when you visit the site, which would be really helpful with paying for the costs of maintaining it.  I’m sure as hell not trying to get rich writing this blog, but web hosting aint free and it’d be really nice if it would at least pay for itself.