Season 5, Episode 3, “Take My Sister, Please”

Pre-Credits Gag:  Michelle commands Jesse to come into her room so he can cure her of the hiccups.  He gives her a glass of water and tells her to drink it and then say, “have mercy,” which, unsurprisingly, doesn’t work.  Is that why he says that all the time?  Because he thinks it prevents him from having hiccups?  I guess that’s just as logical as saying it because he thinks it’s charming.  Jesse then tries to scare her to cure her hiccups, which makes her go and tell on him to Danny.  If he really wanted to scare her, he should’ve shown her a picture of herself from the year 2012, where she’s only a foot taller and weighs the same.

While the three of them study in the girls’ room, Kimmie Gibbler plays wingman for DJ while she tries to put the moves on some stupid looking kid named Rick.  Just as Rick’s about to give in to DJ’s overt desperation, Stephanie barges in and starts addressing Rick by plagiarizing Rob Schneider’s annoying SNL schtick where he would say a million annoying variations on everyone’s names.  How did nobody get sued for this?  And if they were going to blatantly rip something off, you’d hope that they’d at least pick something better.  Anyway, Stephanie won’t shut the fuck up or leave the room and proceeds to salt DJ’s already rickety game until Rick finally cuts out.  After he leaves, DJ gets pretty fucking pissed off and tells Stephanie that she’s going to find a way to get her own room.

Jesse comes home from the store with a bunch of chips for Becky, who is making lots of requests due to her pregnancy cravings.  She tells him that she wants a different kind of chips and he says that he figured that when she kept paging him while he was at the store (remember pagers?  Although they’re completely obsolete now, I still think they’ve aged better as a reference than that plagiarized Rob Schneider schtick) and so he brought home a whole shitload.  He dumps all the bags of chips all over the table as if to say that the joke about her being pregnant and eating a lot was too understated in the last episode so now they have to overdo it as much as possible.

Becky makes more plans for Jesse to get her some additional food later but first they have to prepare for their childbirth class which, naturally, takes place in the living room.  After they leave the kitchen, Michelle shows up and is excited by the large quantity of chips she finds on the table but then she quickly discovers that she is unable to open the bags.  Yeah, I don’t understand why, either.

Becky invites Danny and Joey to attend her childbirth class but they decline because they’ve got tickets for a Warriors game.  Then they see Lisa, the childbirth class’s instructor, and since they both want to fuck her they decide to stick around.

While they both ineptly hit on her, Joey does an impression of Daffy Duck that includes him spitting in Danny’s face, and Danny finally comments on this being a recurring problem that Joey has.

DJ comes downstairs and tells that dads that she has an important presentation for them.  They all go into the kitchen, where Michelle is collaborating with the dog in a further attempt to open one of those bags of chips.  I thought that this might evolve into a whole tertiary storyline but that’s actually the end of it.

DJ launches into an engaging presentation, complete with visual aides, about how she needs to have her own room because Stephanie is a gigantic pain in the ass and also because why the fuck does Michelle have her own room anyway?

Stephanie protests by saying that she shouldn’t have to share a room with Michelle because she’s a “4-year-old baby,” but after hearing both arguments the dads all huddle together and do that muttered whispering thing that they usually only do in cartoons.  After their brief, inaudible meeting, the dads all agree that DJ can switch rooms with Michelle, which is a rare instance for the show in which logic prevails.

Becky comes into the kitchen and tells Joey and Danny that Lisa needs help setting up for the childbirth class and they both run into the living room with their dicks out.  Becky then asks Jesse if he’ll get her wool socks out of storage because she’s cold and he makes a big deal out of what a pain in the ass it is to do things for his pregnant wife.  I guess that when you don’t have to work or do anything that normal adults have to do, getting some socks from upstairs is a pretty big hardship.

Stephanie tells Michelle that they’ll be sharing a room soon and Michelle says that she’s hella pissed about it and gives her a raspberry.  Michelle then heads upstairs in protest, leaving Stephanie to sit in the kitchen to feel sorry for herself as sad music plays.  Aww.

Stephanie expresses her woes to the dog, which is actually a pretty frequent occurrence.  She communicates her perceived victimhood at no one wanting to share a room with her, willfully ignoring the fact that it’s because she’s a total asshole.  During this self-pity session, she’s packing her things, apparently planning to move out and find her own room somewhere else.

I really don’t understand why the childbirth class is taking place in the living room of the full house.  I’d just assumed that Becky was taking a private class at home, but there’s a whole room full of couples in attendance.  What the fuck?  The instructor tells all of the couples to choose an object to focus on while the woman’s in labor and Jesse pulls out an Elvis doll.  Becky’s like, God damn it, can we please just have one fucking thing in our lives that isn’t Elvis themed?  Jesse then pulls out a giant turkey leg, playing off of the brilliant joke about how hungry she is all the time, and I have to say that I’m really surprised that it wasn’t fried chicken.  Way to branch out, Jesse!

As the couples practice deep breathing, Joey and Danny shamelessly hit on the instructor.  Over the course of their conversation, it becomes clear that Lisa shares Joey’s one-dimensional love of cartoons, making the two of them a more fitting match.  As if that wasn’t already implausible enough, Lisa actually ends the class abruptly just so she can go out on a date with Joey.  Take that, pregnant women!

After the class, all of the pregnant women engage in an eating frenzy that horrifies their husbands.  Becky makes some more requests for Jesse to get them some other kinds of food and then he launches into a whole diatribe about how it’s total bullshit that he should have to put in any extra effort to comfort his pregnant wife.  Becky becomes extremely emotional, resulting in Jesse feeling obligated to comfort her, and then she becomes apologetic and says that she doesn’t deserve him.  Jesse agrees but then acquiesces that he’ll make an effort to accommodate her needs just as long as he still never has to get a job.

As DJ measures Michelle’s room in preparation for moving in, Michelle comes in and tells her that she doesn’t have to bother with that anymore because Stephanie has moved out.  After a brief investigation, DJ discovers the Stephanie has moved into the bathroom, which is pretty much a direct reenactment of the first episode, where DJ moved into the basement, except even more ridiculous.  Not only would this arrangement prevent anyone in the full house from having a proper place to take a shit, but how the hell did she get carpeting put in there?

Danny comes into the bathroom to rub one out but is deterred by the presence of his three arguing daughters.  Stephanie tells Danny a big sob story about how none of her sisters want to share a room with her and he is effectively manipulated into rethinking DJ’s proposal.  DJ protests and then Danny tells her that he’s confident that she can work it out herself and then leaves the bathroom so he can go rub one out in the hall closet instead.  DJ’s like, “damn, Stephanie, do you think just once you could stop being such a fucking pain in the ass?  Seriously, you’re not cute anymore and you’re really not contributing anything to the show at all anymore.”  Stephanie remains uncooperative until the music comes on as she tells DJ how much she’s valued invading her personal space over the years.  She says that she’ll miss the comfort of listening in on her conversations and being lulled to sleep by the mysterious vibrations that emanate from under her covers at night.  DJ tells her that she can still invade her personal space even though they won’t be sharing a room anymore and then there are hugs.  I guess that settled it, although I still think it would have been more effective if DJ had just started shitting in the toilet to drive her out of there.

This still leaves the problem of Michelle not wanting to room with Stephanie, but it’s quickly resolved when they offer her some cookies.  What a fucking idiot.

Firsts:  Joey’s spitting problem is addressed, DJ having her own room, Stephanie and Michelle sharing a room

Announcement Follow-Up:

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