Season 5, Episode 4, “Oh Where, Oh Where Has My Little Girl Gone?”

Pre-Credits Gag:  Jesse shows Michelle the new recording studio that he’s built in Joey’s old jerk-off dungeon.  Michelle wants to sing a song into the recording equipment and then attempts to perform Aretha Franklin’s “Respect.”

As Danny ducks under the counter to get some more cleaning products to clean his cleaning products with, DJ and Kimmie Gibbler come in through the back door and are like, “Damn, that was some serious shit that went down at school today!”  Danny pops up from behind the counter and is like, “What shit went down at school today?  You have to tell me about every single thing that ever happens in your life,” and then DJ and Kimmie Gibbler sneak upstairs.

Up in DJ’s new room, Kimmie Gibbler refuses to tell DJ what the rumor about her that’s going around is, even after DJ shows her the letter she got from Kathy Santoni about how it’s cause for a “mega crisis.”  Kimmie Gibbler finally divulges that Todd Mitchell has been going around telling everyone that DJ is the worst kisser in their whole school that’s filled with 12 year olds.  DJ says that’s bullshit because Todd Mitchell tried to plant one on her but she stuck to her frigid Puritan ways and gave him the cold shoulder.  Just then Danny knocks on the door and then quickly walks right in as DJ tries to conceal the Kathy Santoni mega crisis letter in a drawer.  Danny’s like, “I couldn’t help but notice your resistance to my invasive prying earlier.  I just thought I’d walk into your room and disrespect your privacy even further,” and then for some reason DJ tells him to fuck off.

As Michelle unpacks the last of her shit in the room that she’s now sharing with Stephanie, it becomes painfully clear that the Bell Biv Devoe poster that used to be up on the wall has disappeared forever.  I’m definitely sure that it wasn’t up in DJ’s new room, either.  That sucks, you guys.  That was like the only good thing.  Danny comes into their room and is like, “Hey you guys, I couldn’t help but notice that DJ’s having some sort of private problem, so I was hoping you guys would tell me all of her personal business,” but the girls, having been relegated to the stupid baby room, don’t know shit.

Danny creeps into DJ’s room when she’s not home and immediately goes into her drawer and starts reading the Kathy Santoni mega crisis letter.   Michelle sneaks up behind him and investigates but he manages to weasel his way out of being caught.

Jesse shows Joey and Becky the red light he’s put up at the top of the basement staircase to indicate when he is recording a terrible song down there and should not be disturbed.  This prompts Joey to go into a routine about Godzilla movies that goes on for about a hundred thousand years.

This is as good a moment as any to point out this exchange between the uncles that’s become a fixture over the past few years, which is when Joey does a long, annoying schtick right in Jesse’s face and Jesse just looks at him like he’s a total fucking idiot until the last few seconds, at which point Jesse invariably breaks into an approving smile as if to say he really does think Joey’s funny.  I guess this is the show’s way of sort of acknowledging that Joey is a totally annoying idiot while also trying to convince us that his annoying idiocy is actually endearing.  Well, I’ve seen this exchange about thirty times now and I’m still not buying it.  Anyway, the red light means don’t go downstairs.  That’s the point of the scene.

Down in the basement, Joey gets all nostalgic about his partnership with Jesse, which has apparently come to a close.  Now that he’s married to a rich lady, Jesse just wants to fuck around on his guitar in the basement full-time, which leaves Joey to pursue a full-time comedy career that will require a much more serious commitment to masturbating and eating ice cream on the couch.  It’s been really heartwarming to watch these boys grow into men over the years.

Joey asks Jesse if he can touch his butthole for old times sake but Jesse says that he really wants to get to the serious jam session he feels coming on but, even though they’re not officially partners anymore, they’re both still both living in Danny’s house for free and will still be seeing each other’s buttholes all the time.  Joey takes some comfort in that and then heads upstairs to masturbate and then eat ice cream on the couch but the door knob to the studio comes off in his hand.  I wonder how they’re gonna pass the time now that they’re trapped down there?

Just then, Danny walks towards the studio to check on the uncles but Becky points out that the red light is on so he shouldn’t go down there.  You see what happens when you ask for privacy in the full house even one time?  You have to have anal sex in the basement with Joey!  Danny hears their cries of passion emanating from the basement and considers investigating but then he decides that they’re just recording a rendition of the Beatles song “Help.”  I guess it wouldn’t be much worse than any other Beatles covers that they’ve included on this show.

After deciding to leave the uncles to their anal lovefest, Danny confides in Becky that he’s concerned about the mega crisis that DJ is having.  He hesitantly admits that he found out about it by going through her shit when she wasn’t around and then DJ appears in the kitchen and says that she’s going over to Kimmie Gibbler’s.  Danny tries once again to worm his way into her personal business but after she deflects him and leaves, he whines to Aunt Becky, who tells him that he shouldn’t have went through DJ’s shit in the first place.  Danny says that DJ’s newfound need for personal space makes him feel like he’s losing her and then sad music plays and then commercials come on.

As DJ and Kimmie Gibbler head out the door, they try to come up with a plan to clear DJ’s reputation as a bad kisser.  Kimmie Gibbler suggests that DJ makes out with every guy in school and then it doesn’t seem so ridiculous when Danny tries to get all up in their business yet again.  Danny insists on some impromptu quality time and absolutely will not leave DJ alone until she agrees to go bowling with him.  Kimmie Gibbler flees the scene immediately, as she always does whenever DJ finds herself in a compromising situation, leaving DJ alone with her corny, overbearing dad.

Stephanie hates a cuddly bear wall hanging that Michelle puts up in their room (it’s definitely not as cool as that Bell Biv Devoe poster, I’ll tell you that much) and tries to manipulate Michelle into taking it down by offering her a membership into the “big girls club.”  Stephanie says that big girls don’t have lame baby shit like stuffed bears and convinces Michelle to take the wall hanging down, but then Michelle says that under those circumstances Stephanie should also have to get rid of Mr. Bear.  Damn, way to totally get outsmarted by a four year old, Stephanie.  All the bears remain in their room and then they celebrate by singing their big girl club song three times in a row.  You know what?  Me and a couple of my friends ended up at the “Big Girls Club” downtown one night and, without getting into too much detail, I’ll just say that it was a little different than this.

After the third or fourth time that Jesse says, “have mercy,” Joey says, “cut. it. out” and then the uncles decide that they’d better break the door down if they ever want to get out of that basement.  Just then, Joey realizes that they’d left the red “do not disturb” light on the entire time and then within a few seconds of them turning it off, Becky comes down and offers them some lunch.  Poor, unsuspecting Aunt Becky.

At the bowling alley, Danny won’t shut the fuck up for two seconds and constantly narrates his own bowling technique and yells and hops around like an asshole.  When it’s DJ’s turn to bowl, he gets up right behind her and spouts a constant stream of bowling advice that really makes you feel sorry for her.  Why’s DJ’s motivation for avoiding Danny have to be some big secret she’s keeping when there are so many obvious reasons why she wouldn’t want to spend any time with him?  Why are the real problems never addressed!??!

Anyway, Kimmie Gibbler shows up at the bowling alley and says that there’s some major shit talking going down at the mall so they’d better get over there.  DJ cuts out on Danny and I guess you’re supposed to feel sorry for him except remember all that annoying stuff he was doing like two minutes ago?

The next scene opens with Danny standing in the living room of the full house, staring intently at a picture of DJ as a little girl.  I like to think that he went straight home after DJ left him at the bowling alley and immediately started staring at that picture, not looking up once, for hours, until she comes home at the beginning of this scene.  Naturally, he gets all up in her face the minute she comes through the door, interrogating her about how her evening went.  When she tells him that everything’s fine he says that he knows that she’s going through a “mega crisis,” revealing that he read the Kathy Santoni mega crisis letter.  DJ gets super pissed about him disrespecting her privacy and they have a big shouting match before she storms up to her room.  The scene gets pretty serious when Danny storms into her room and asks if she really needs to be reminded about what happens when you ask for privacy in the full house even one time.

Dannys ask DJ what happened to his sweet little girl and DJ tells him that she’s not a little girl anymore, at which point I’m not sure exactly what they’re talking about anymore.  Anyway, the music comes on and cooler heads prevail as DJ explains to Danny that she’s growing up so she doesn’t need to come to him with every single problem she’s having anymore.  He says he can’t really understand why that is but that he’ll try to get used to it anyway and then they hug.

In the final moments, DJ tells Danny what the mega crisis was, proving that kids don’t really need privacy after all.  She says that she and Kimmie Gibbler beat Todd Mitchell’s ass in front of everybody and made him admit that he was lying and Danny tells her it was the right thing to do.  He then takes advantage of that moment of levity by asking her to spend more quality time with him and she’s like, fine, fuck it, I give up.

Firsts:  Jesse’s basement recording studio, DJ’s new room


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48 Responses to Season 5, Episode 4, “Oh Where, Oh Where Has My Little Girl Gone?”

  1. Hebrewersfan says:

    “Danny hears their cries of passion emanating from the basement and considers investigating but then he decides that they’re just recording a rendition of the Beatles song, “Help.””

    Having seen pretty much every episode way too many times, this joke is one that stands out every time as one of the absolute worst. I dont know where to begin for why I hate that joke, so I won’t even try. On another note, that picture of Danny in DJ’s doorway looks like Danny has some serious bad intentions in mind. They should have just went with that instead.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. carinthekitchen says:

    I LOVE DJ’s corny white wicker furniture and dowdy old-lady floral chair and padded bench. I would ask if the set designer for The Golden Girls designed her new room, but that would be an insult to the Girls themselves, those sassy bitches! Ooh, and DJ gets a full-sized bed for all that sex she’s not having since she’s totally the worst kisser ever of all time.


    • charqui31282 says:

      Come on, you don’t remember all that white wicker and flowered stuff from the 90’s – that was hot then lol! I was never into it, but I can just remember shows like Blossom where the girls all wore stretch pants with giant flowers all over them.


      • SavaFiend says:

        I used to have a pair of STIRRUP pants with flowers all over them, that used to be one of my favorite pairs of pants back in the day, LOL! Floral was the shit in the 80’s!


  3. LS says:

    Is it just me, or is no bowling alley in the world that well-lit?


    • williec29 says:

      What I like is the guy in the next lane looking at Danny and thinking to himself, ‘what the hell is wrong with this peckerwood?’


  4. Jordan says:

    Wow, I didn’t realize that it wasn’t until S5 that they install the red light going into the basement. I always remembered that being there for much, much longer, but I guess almost half the show is long enough.

    Have mercy.


  5. PuppetDoctor says:

    Wow, DJ’s room looks like it was built for someone in their 50s or 60s+ not a room for a teenager with all of that floral stuff. I don’t even remember that room design for DJ. I mostly remember the design that she gets later in the series which may have been when Vicky remodels the girls rooms.


  6. Kamdan says:

    When DJ said, “I’m not your little girl anymore!” they should have had Danny conjur up a flashback from the third season when DJ tried to go to school dressed like a hooker where she said at the end of the episode, “You can always think of me as your little girl.”


  7. paddles says:

    What happened to Danny’s crazy schemes in response to crisis? He just keeps trying to spend time with her in hopes she’ll open up to him? Way to phone it in.

    The Danny Tanner I know would have introduced DJ to a certain Manny that would teach her how to kiss so that no boy at school would ever call her a bad kisser or a virgin ever again.


  8. Teebore says:

    Jesse shows Michelle the new recording studio that he’s built in Joey’s old jerk-off dungeon.

    Did I miss the plot point in a previous episode where it was established Jersey was going to do this? Or did the show just skip it? Or am I just forgetting it?

    I’m definitely sure that it wasn’t up in DJ’s new room, either

    I was thinking the same thing. There is, however, a Pillow Pal in DJ’s old room, and that’s almost as early 90s-riffic as a Bel Biv Devoe poster.

    I wonder how they’re gonna pass the time now that they’re trapped down there

    Are those, like, plaques and certificates on the wall behind Joey in that screenshot? Jersey can’t possibly be accredited in anything, can he?

    You see what happens when you ask for privacy in the full house even one time? You have to have anal sex in the basement with Joey!

    That’s the most important lesson ever taught on this show.

    Kimmie Gibbler suggests that DJ makes out with every guy in school

    Proving, once again, that Kimmie Gibbler is the only character on this show with any real sense.

    You know what? Me and a couple of my my friends ended up at the “Big Girls Club” downtown one night and, without getting into too much detail, I’ll just say that it was a little different than this.



    • They mentioned turning the basement room into a studio. It was back in season 4 when they decided that Jersey and Rebecca Donaldson-Cochran-Katsopolis would move into the attic.

      Since unemployed people still need an office or what ever, they put Joey in Jersey’s old room and a studio in the basement.

      By the way, where did anyone get any money to buy all that recording equipment?


  9. CerebralPaulZ says:

    Good thing Joey is so desperate for attention, would he need to finger himself if he asked for privacy?

    Another messed up thing that is a theme in this show happened here in a big way. Danny’s obtrusive self obsessed overbearing need to get all up in DJ’s business is ultimately rewarded. He gets exactly what he wants by being an asshole. Actually, that might be a pretty solid life lesson.


  10. Kayla says:

    Please. Please. Somebody punch Bob Saget in the face.


  11. Ruby Lee says:

    Two things stuck out to me in this review.

    One: the screenshot where Danny is rifling through DJ’s things also captures a laundry basket on the bed, which I’m assuming is the reason he went in there in the first place. But that means Danny does DJ’s laundry. Danny, the working adult who supports an entire houseful of freeloaders in one of the most expensive cities in the US, also has to do everyone’s laundry? Doesn’t he have any self-respect at all?

    Two: This is minor, but the screenshot of Jesse and Joey in the kitchen really highlights Joey’s terrible outfit.


    • Kristin says:

      If I am remembering this episode right, he apparently does everyone’s laundry because he is snooping and it’s not laundry day. He switched up the days for an excuse to go into her room. Several people, including DJ, have the response of “But it’s not laundry day!” or “It’s not Wednesday!” (or something)

      I think the “joke” is supposed to be how anal retentive Danny is but has the unintended weird side effect of showing that he does all the laundry for the Full House, which is insane.


  12. Nicky says:

    to clean his cleaning products with –> with which to clean… (pedantic)
    Kimmie –> Kimmy
    “damn –> “Damn
    “what –> “What
    what the rumor about her that’s going around is –> what is the rumor about her that’s going around
    puritan –> Puritan
    “hey –> “Hey
    the shows way –> show’s
    more serious commitment to masterbating –> than masturbating
    old times sake –> old-time’s
    masterbate –> masturbate
    song, “Help.” –> song “Help”.
    shouldn’t have went –> gone
    suggests that DJ makes out –> make out
    “big girls club.” –> “Big Girls Club”.
    big girl club –> Big Girls Club
    Me and a couple of my my friends –> delete 1x “my”; A couple of my friends and I
    says, “have mercy,” Joey says, “cut. it. out” –> says “have mercy,” Joey says, “Cut. It. Out”
    Danny wont –> won’t
    shit talking –> shit-talking


    • The Venerable Bede says:

      Billy, you didn’t fix the “shouldn’t have went –> shouldn’t have gone” mistake! Also: “they’re both still both living in Danny’s house.” Two “both”s!


  13. Glenn says:

    If DJ doesn’t want guys spreading rumors around school that the is a total whore-burger, she shouldn’t wear such provocative Short/Shirt Combination outfits. You can totally see like 3 inches of her upper leg. Slut.

    Perhaps what she really needs is a good ole fashioned stoning.


  14. Colin Sean says:

    I just found this blog late last week and I read every single post from episode one to now. I’m not really a big laughing type but your blog got me going numerous times. You’ve got a new loyal reader. I’m anxiously looking forward to

    -The birth of the twins and your reaction to their big bag of bullshit. It’s the same episode as Michelle’s birthday when she’s pissed about turning five so the family has to rally around her and tell her how cool and amazing she is.
    -That awkward episode when the kid in Stephanie’s class is beat up by his father on the regular.
    -Disney World (you know when Disney acquired ABC they basically forced every “family friendly” show on the roster to go there, so you get a huge clusterfuck of sitcom families making trips there in a short period of time: Roseanne, Full House, Step By Step and Family Matters). And Michelle is a HUGE asshole in that one.

    There are so many I can’t wait to read about. You’re doing a great job. I’m so glad other people get what a big C U Next Tuesday Michelle really is. I’ve never been able to deal with her, like when she sabotages the family’s chance to sell their home for a seven figure sum because SHE doesn’t want to move. Jeez…


  15. JGA says:

    They’re releasing Family Matters season 2 on dvd. I assume the rest will follow. NEW BLOG MATERIAL…



  16. Joey's Mannequin says:

    This is the point in the show when you really start to notice just how lonely Joey really is. Jesse has a wife and kids on the way and he doesn’t need to do jingles anymore, Danny has all his kids and his neurosis, and meanwhile Joey’s life just stagnates. Sure he does Ranger Rick, but nothing meaningful really happens to him, that I can remember, beyond this point.


  17. Maddie says:

    This blog makes it impossible for me to keep a straight face during class. I keep getting suspicious glances from my prof.


  18. Lizzy says:

    I just PTSDed so hard at the “Big Girl Club” song.


  19. dan says:

    The scene gets pretty serious when Danny storms into her room and asks if she really needs to be reminded about what happens when you ask for privacy in the full house even one time.that’s it. I’m going to get fired at work.


  20. kp199 says:

    I can’t believe that they’re wasting a whole room in that house of Jersey’s recording equipment. Why the hell should Stephanie and Michelle have to share a room when Joey could be down in that room that Danny spent thousands of dollars on to turn into a furnished room. His music never even takes off. I’d be pissed if my uncle came to my home and wasted several rooms on himself.


  21. kp199 says:

    And how can Michelle’s old room have a window where it’s at? In the location that the morons have the window facing, you would see the staircase. WTF is this?


    • Ginny says:

      They always made it seem like the front window of the house exterior shot was the girl’s shared bedroom, but the location of the window in that room would look over the side of the house, not the front of the house.


  22. Angela says:

    I seriously lost it during your description of Jesse and Joey down in the basement and the whole “butthole” thing. I’m pretty sure I woke the rest of the house.

    Also, the last screencap of DJ and Danny hugging-what the hell’s with them both wearing so much green?


  23. Julia says:

    “As Danny ducks under the counter to get some more cleaning products to clean his cleaning products with…”
    I totally thought you were joking here… Then I watched the beginning of the episode and he REALLY cleaned his cleaning products! lol


  24. Arthur says:

    Wait. Where does Joey sleep? Where’s his room? He was in the basement, but the basement is now the recording studio. He was in the attic, but that’s the Katsopoulis House of Horrors. He was in what’s now DJ Tanner’s Octogenarian Paradise. Isn’t the garage the basement? Where is Joey?


  25. Jen says:

    First of all, Jersey and Joey seem to have raided their mothers closet for blouses. Secondly, didn’t the basement have an intercom? What happened to the phone they used to have down there? I’m fairly sure there should have been several better methods of communicating their distress than screaming HELP.


  26. Miss Bones says:

    Came across this blog on the Full House imdb message board, and must thank you! It provides me with many laughs during down time at work, and I read this review, before watching this episode on Nick at Nite tonight. It is spot THE FUCK on!


  27. Miss Bones says:

    You did, however, forget to mention the little whore daughter, at the bowling alley, basically sucking her Dad’s dick, about joining the father/daughter league.


  28. Conn says:

    “DJ! I’m respecting your privacy by knocking but asserting my authority as your father by coming any way!”


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