Season 5, Episode 4, “Oh Where, Oh Where Has My Little Girl Gone?”

Pre-Credits Gag:  Jesse shows Michelle the new recording studio that he’s built in Joey’s old jerk-off dungeon.  Michelle wants to sing a song into the recording equipment and then attempts to perform Aretha Franklin’s “Respect.”

As Danny ducks under the counter to get some more cleaning products to clean his cleaning products with, DJ and Kimmie Gibbler come in through the back door and are like, “Damn, that was some serious shit that went down at school today!”  Danny pops up from behind the counter and is like, “What shit went down at school today?  You have to tell me about every single thing that ever happens in your life,” and then DJ and Kimmie Gibbler sneak upstairs.

Up in DJ’s new room, Kimmie Gibbler refuses to tell DJ what the rumor about her that’s going around is, even after DJ shows her the letter she got from Kathy Santoni about how it’s cause for a “mega crisis.”  Kimmie Gibbler finally divulges that Todd Mitchell has been going around telling everyone that DJ is the worst kisser in their whole school that’s filled with 12 year olds.  DJ says that’s bullshit because Todd Mitchell tried to plant one on her but she stuck to her frigid Puritan ways and gave him the cold shoulder.  Just then Danny knocks on the door and then quickly walks right in as DJ tries to conceal the Kathy Santoni mega crisis letter in a drawer.  Danny’s like, “I couldn’t help but notice your resistance to my invasive prying earlier.  I just thought I’d walk into your room and disrespect your privacy even further,” and then for some reason DJ tells him to fuck off.

As Michelle unpacks the last of her shit in the room that she’s now sharing with Stephanie, it becomes painfully clear that the Bell Biv Devoe poster that used to be up on the wall has disappeared forever.  I’m definitely sure that it wasn’t up in DJ’s new room, either.  That sucks, you guys.  That was like the only good thing.  Danny comes into their room and is like, “Hey you guys, I couldn’t help but notice that DJ’s having some sort of private problem, so I was hoping you guys would tell me all of her personal business,” but the girls, having been relegated to the stupid baby room, don’t know shit.

Danny creeps into DJ’s room when she’s not home and immediately goes into her drawer and starts reading the Kathy Santoni mega crisis letter.   Michelle sneaks up behind him and investigates but he manages to weasel his way out of being caught.

Jesse shows Joey and Becky the red light he’s put up at the top of the basement staircase to indicate when he is recording a terrible song down there and should not be disturbed.  This prompts Joey to go into a routine about Godzilla movies that goes on for about a hundred thousand years.

This is as good a moment as any to point out this exchange between the uncles that’s become a fixture over the past few years, which is when Joey does a long, annoying schtick right in Jesse’s face and Jesse just looks at him like he’s a total fucking idiot until the last few seconds, at which point Jesse invariably breaks into an approving smile as if to say he really does think Joey’s funny.  I guess this is the show’s way of sort of acknowledging that Joey is a totally annoying idiot while also trying to convince us that his annoying idiocy is actually endearing.  Well, I’ve seen this exchange about thirty times now and I’m still not buying it.  Anyway, the red light means don’t go downstairs.  That’s the point of the scene.

Down in the basement, Joey gets all nostalgic about his partnership with Jesse, which has apparently come to a close.  Now that he’s married to a rich lady, Jesse just wants to fuck around on his guitar in the basement full-time, which leaves Joey to pursue a full-time comedy career that will require a much more serious commitment to masturbating and eating ice cream on the couch.  It’s been really heartwarming to watch these boys grow into men over the years.

Joey asks Jesse if he can touch his butthole for old times sake but Jesse says that he really wants to get to the serious jam session he feels coming on but, even though they’re not officially partners anymore, they’re both still both living in Danny’s house for free and will still be seeing each other’s buttholes all the time.  Joey takes some comfort in that and then heads upstairs to masturbate and then eat ice cream on the couch but the door knob to the studio comes off in his hand.  I wonder how they’re gonna pass the time now that they’re trapped down there?

Just then, Danny walks towards the studio to check on the uncles but Becky points out that the red light is on so he shouldn’t go down there.  You see what happens when you ask for privacy in the full house even one time?  You have to have anal sex in the basement with Joey!  Danny hears their cries of passion emanating from the basement and considers investigating but then he decides that they’re just recording a rendition of the Beatles song “Help.”  I guess it wouldn’t be much worse than any other Beatles covers that they’ve included on this show.

After deciding to leave the uncles to their anal lovefest, Danny confides in Becky that he’s concerned about the mega crisis that DJ is having.  He hesitantly admits that he found out about it by going through her shit when she wasn’t around and then DJ appears in the kitchen and says that she’s going over to Kimmie Gibbler’s.  Danny tries once again to worm his way into her personal business but after she deflects him and leaves, he whines to Aunt Becky, who tells him that he shouldn’t have went through DJ’s shit in the first place.  Danny says that DJ’s newfound need for personal space makes him feel like he’s losing her and then sad music plays and then commercials come on.

As DJ and Kimmie Gibbler head out the door, they try to come up with a plan to clear DJ’s reputation as a bad kisser.  Kimmie Gibbler suggests that DJ makes out with every guy in school and then it doesn’t seem so ridiculous when Danny tries to get all up in their business yet again.  Danny insists on some impromptu quality time and absolutely will not leave DJ alone until she agrees to go bowling with him.  Kimmie Gibbler flees the scene immediately, as she always does whenever DJ finds herself in a compromising situation, leaving DJ alone with her corny, overbearing dad.

Stephanie hates a cuddly bear wall hanging that Michelle puts up in their room (it’s definitely not as cool as that Bell Biv Devoe poster, I’ll tell you that much) and tries to manipulate Michelle into taking it down by offering her a membership into the “big girls club.”  Stephanie says that big girls don’t have lame baby shit like stuffed bears and convinces Michelle to take the wall hanging down, but then Michelle says that under those circumstances Stephanie should also have to get rid of Mr. Bear.  Damn, way to totally get outsmarted by a four year old, Stephanie.  All the bears remain in their room and then they celebrate by singing their big girl club song three times in a row.  You know what?  Me and a couple of my friends ended up at the “Big Girls Club” downtown one night and, without getting into too much detail, I’ll just say that it was a little different than this.

After the third or fourth time that Jesse says, “have mercy,” Joey says, “cut. it. out” and then the uncles decide that they’d better break the door down if they ever want to get out of that basement.  Just then, Joey realizes that they’d left the red “do not disturb” light on the entire time and then within a few seconds of them turning it off, Becky comes down and offers them some lunch.  Poor, unsuspecting Aunt Becky.

At the bowling alley, Danny won’t shut the fuck up for two seconds and constantly narrates his own bowling technique and yells and hops around like an asshole.  When it’s DJ’s turn to bowl, he gets up right behind her and spouts a constant stream of bowling advice that really makes you feel sorry for her.  Why’s DJ’s motivation for avoiding Danny have to be some big secret she’s keeping when there are so many obvious reasons why she wouldn’t want to spend any time with him?  Why are the real problems never addressed!??!

Anyway, Kimmie Gibbler shows up at the bowling alley and says that there’s some major shit talking going down at the mall so they’d better get over there.  DJ cuts out on Danny and I guess you’re supposed to feel sorry for him except remember all that annoying stuff he was doing like two minutes ago?

The next scene opens with Danny standing in the living room of the full house, staring intently at a picture of DJ as a little girl.  I like to think that he went straight home after DJ left him at the bowling alley and immediately started staring at that picture, not looking up once, for hours, until she comes home at the beginning of this scene.  Naturally, he gets all up in her face the minute she comes through the door, interrogating her about how her evening went.  When she tells him that everything’s fine he says that he knows that she’s going through a “mega crisis,” revealing that he read the Kathy Santoni mega crisis letter.  DJ gets super pissed about him disrespecting her privacy and they have a big shouting match before she storms up to her room.  The scene gets pretty serious when Danny storms into her room and asks if she really needs to be reminded about what happens when you ask for privacy in the full house even one time.

Dannys ask DJ what happened to his sweet little girl and DJ tells him that she’s not a little girl anymore, at which point I’m not sure exactly what they’re talking about anymore.  Anyway, the music comes on and cooler heads prevail as DJ explains to Danny that she’s growing up so she doesn’t need to come to him with every single problem she’s having anymore.  He says he can’t really understand why that is but that he’ll try to get used to it anyway and then they hug.

In the final moments, DJ tells Danny what the mega crisis was, proving that kids don’t really need privacy after all.  She says that she and Kimmie Gibbler beat Todd Mitchell’s ass in front of everybody and made him admit that he was lying and Danny tells her it was the right thing to do.  He then takes advantage of that moment of levity by asking her to spend more quality time with him and she’s like, fine, fuck it, I give up.

Firsts:  Jesse’s basement recording studio, DJ’s new room