Season 5, Episode 5, “The King and I”

This episode doesn’t have a pre-credits gag, presumably because it has a lengthy musical number at the end.  I wish I’d been warned about that ahead of time.  I really do.

This episode also premiers some new footage in the opening sequence.  Well, I’m pretty sure that it premiers in this episode.  I skip the opening sequence a lot, so they might have added the new footage a few episodes ago.  I’m sure someone will correct me if I’m wrong.  Anyway, not much has changed, and there’s still that great shot of Lori Loughlin’s ass, so why even mention it?  Well, they changed the most updated shots of all the girls in their little growing-up montages, which includes replacing that horrifying shot of the Olsen twin jumping on her bed with a shot of her playing the drums, so that’s an improvement.  Most importantly, however, is the addition of Kimmie Gibbler to the opening credits.  That’s right, motherfuckers, you better recognize Kimmie Gibbler!

This episode begins with Joey reading a tabloid newspaper to Aunt Becky, which is a fairly stress-free scene until Danny barges in with a bullhorn and starts shouting at everybody and rounding them up.  Do you think the writers would actually sit around and try to think of ways to make the characters more obnoxious?  Giving Danny that bullhorn seems really deliberately antagonizing.  I’m just waiting for the characters to start constantly screaming or bleeding or vomiting in the later seasons.  That’s the only direction I can see this show going in.

After everyone’s all gathered together in the kitchen, Danny puts the bullhorn down and says, “God I love the sound of my own voice,” which is a rare moment of self-awareness for the show.  I know that I’ve probably shot my credibility, what with all my explative-laden paraphrasing, but he really does say that, and it is amazing.  Anyway, once he’s done blowing my mind, Danny tells the family that they’ll all be going to the Tanner family reunion, which is apparently filled with extremely competitive events that everyone in the full house really wants to win.  I don’t know why they’re all worried about these stupid events when what they really should be worried about is DJ marrying her cousin again like she did at the Katsopolis family reunion.

For some reason Joey is invited to the Tanner family reunion and they’re all counting on him to win the pie eating contest.  Danny pulls a couple of pies from I’m not sure where and then offers them to Joey for practice.  Aunt Becky decides to challenge him to a pie eating sparring match and then there’s a pretty long sequence of everyone staring around cheering while they eat pies.  What an odd scene.  Did anyone’s family on earth ever actually gather around and do stuff like this?  Sometimes this show feels like a Franz Kafka story that’s based off of a Norman Rockwell painting, except without any of the thought or craft.  The most bizarre moment in the scene is when they cut to Michelle chanting, “be a piggy” over and over again.

Jesse comes home just as the pie eating contest is coming to a close but Aunt Becky pauses for a second to kiss him just so she can smear disgusting blueberry pie filling all over his face.  Man, I miss Rebecca Donaldson.  She never did shit like that.  Anyway, Aunt Becky wins the pie eating contest, which is pretty upsetting for Joey because he already had so little going for him in life.

Jesse tells everyone that he just had a meeting with a record producer who said that he’d give him a contract if he could produce a hit song.  Michelle’s like, “who gives a shit about that?  I want to talk about how you’re going to be my partner at the balloon race at our stupid corny family reunion.”  Well, see, she didn’t say that exactly.  I’m paraphrasing.

Stephanie is really overly excited about being partners with DJ for the 3-legged race and insists that they be tied together at all times for practice.  Does that bring Stephanie’s creepy obsession with DJ to a new level?  Actually it’s starting to seem like everybody’s personality flaws are reaching new heights in this episode…

Jessie plunks away on his piano with his dorky glasses on, desperately trying to find the inspiration to finally write a halfway decent song for the first time in his worthless life.  Naturally, Michelle interrupts him, insisting that he practice for the stupid balloon race at their corny family reunion for nerds.  Pretty soon Joey comes down, too, presumably because one person interrupting Jesse just doesn’t seem like that big of a deal anymore, and he shares an Elvis sighting that he read about in his tabloid newspaper.  Then Aunt Becky comes down and interrupts, too, but at least she brings sandwiches.  Jesse finally tells everyone to fuck off and quit interrupting him because it’s already hard enough to write a hit song when you don’t have any talent.  Why didn’t he just turn the red privacy light on that was so heavily featured in the last episode?

The Tanners all assemble in the living room to get ready for their stupid cornball family reunion.  Joey comes down and talks all competitively with Aunt Becky about the pie eating contest, which only makes me wonder once more why he’s even invited to the family reunion in the first place.  How do they explain to the other relatives who he is?  “This is my unemployed friend who sleeps in the same hallways as all of my young daughters.  He does impressions.”  Also, I kind of love those Bay Area Tanners shirts.

Kimmie Gibbler comes over and I can’t even tell you about what happens until we all stop and look at her hair for a minute.

Kimmie Gibbler is amazing.  So, anyway, she wants to go to the family reunion but Danny tells her to fuck off because she’s not a member of the family.  Kimmie Gibbler says that’s bullshit because she’s in the opening credits now, plus Joey gets to go, so what the fuck?

Jesse stumbles into the living room, exhausted by actually trying to do some work for once.  He says that he can’t go to the stupid corny family reunion, which should be fine because it’s not like he’s even related to anyone at that thing anyway.  Why should he have to go to an annual gathering of his dead sister’s husband’s family?  I guess this is one of those things that Danny gets to force the uncles to do because he pays for all of their room and board.  Anyway, Michelle get’s all pissed at Jesse for refusing to go to the family reunion because he’s her partner for that balloon race, and she really gets in his face about it until he walks off and says, “leave me alone.”  Michelle is deeply shocked by anyone refusing to do something that she wants them to and tells Danny that “Uncle Jesse’s not nice anymore,” as gentle music plays and everyone gathers around to console her.  Damn, she’s totally willing to dismiss four years of unrelenting subservience just because he refused to go to a single balloon race.  He can go die in a hole for all she cares now.

The Tanner family all sing, “She’ll Be Coming ‘Round the Mountain” while they drive to their reunion, which is pretty much exactly what you’d think they’d be doing.  Everyone pisses and moans in the car for various reasons, and then comments are made about Kimmie Gibbler’s stinky feet.  Is that the first mention of Kimmie Gibbler’s incredibly stinky feet?  I know that it becomes a big thing later.  I really thought I’d be able to keep track of this shit but it’s just totally impossible.

Jesse goes to a diner to avoid working and meets Elvis.  See, it was carefully foreshadowed by all of Joey’s tabloid articles for you astute viewers out there.  In case you were ever wondering what Jesse would do if he had the opportunity to meet Elvis, here’s where you find out: He complains to him about all of his problems.

Jesse tells Elvis all about the turmoil that he’s going through because he can’t write a hit song and refused to do something Michelle wanted him to do one time.  Then the music comes on as Jesse’s problems are delved into even further when he explains that his wife is about to have twins and he doesn’t want them to realize that he’s just a big sponging loser.  Elvis tells him that family is more important than success and that he was a dickhead for not going to the Tanner family reunion.  He goes on to explain that real success comes from being a good husband and a good friend, and I’m not sure if Elvis realizes how literally true that is for Jesse, because, let’s face it, he’s never ever going to write a good song, so being married to Becky and friends with Danny really is a career for him.  Jesse thanks Elvis for the advice and then pays for his salad.

As the Bay Area Tanners sit stranded on the side of the road next to their broken down van, Jesse miraculously pulls up on his motorcycle and fixes it in like 2 seconds.  He explains that he had a revelation about how wrong he was to put his futile career pursuit before his obnoxious, self-absorbed family and came to meet them at the stupid reunion.

Danny tells Jesse that everything’s cool and then Michelle’s like, “Uncle Jesse sucks my dick.  I’ll never forgive him for not wanting to be my partner in that balloon race.  Never!”  Jesse tells her he’s sorry and then she makes him grovel for a few minutes before she finally forgives him.

Later, back at the full house, Danny polishes one of the many trophies that were won at the family reunion.  Usually I criticize this show for framing storylines around events that are never shown (most likely for budgetary reasons), but in this case I’m actually really grateful that we didn’t have to witness the extended Tanner family.  I can’t help but imagine that they’d all be played by Bob Saget but with different wigs.  Or what if every Tanner family has its own guy like Joey?  Man, I couldn’t stand to see something like that.  Anyway, apparently the Bay Area Tanners won every event except for the pie eating contest, which Becky and Joey both lost to Aunt Phylis.  Abruptly, Jesse runs up from his recording studio and tells everyone that it’s time for him to perform his new song.

I don’t really know what to tell you about Jesse’s new song.  It’s awful.  I think that says it all.  The only good part about these occasional musical numbers is that they take up a lot of time and there’s not much to describe.  Jesse and the Rippers’ performance takes us to the end credits, so it’s kind of a weird ending on account of it’s pretty clear that Jesse has not written a hit song.  So maybe they’re kind of downplaying a really sad ending here?  I can’t say for sure, but one thing I can say is that I don’t care what IMDB says, that one guy in Jesse’s band is definitely Jon Favreau.