Season 5, Episode 7, “The Volunteer”

This episode doesn’t have a pre-credits gag, which made me nervous because the last time that happened there was a lengthy Jesse and the Rippers performance at the end.  Thankfully that wasn’t the case this time, which leaves me wondering why we’re just left holding our dicks, pre-credits gagless.  Maybe they’re going to stop having them all together?  I’m pretty sure that bumpers like that are intended to snag casual viewers by offering them a portion of the show before they have to sit through the credits, so maybe by this point the series was popular enough that they didn’t think they needed them anymore.  Or maybe they just forgot to do them sometimes because nobody working on this show gave a shit about anything.  I guess we’ll just have to wait and see.

Aunt Becky complains about the difficulty she’s been having with sleeping because she’s become so bloated with Jesse’s seed.  Jesse totally doesn’t give a shit and complains about how he’s been having trouble sleeping, too, because he has no empathy for other people whatsoever.  He then realizes that he’d better appease Becky if he wants to continue living off of her income so he utters some contrivances about how he wishes that he could share her burden of carrying children.  Becky says that she’ll arrange to make that happen and then the audience all go “Ooh!” for some reason while she walks away.  Studio audiences usually reserve those kinds of “Ooh’s” for sexual innuendos.

DJ comes downstairs to remind Danny that she’ll be home late because she’s volunteering her time at a senior citizens home.  I think that if most people’s high school age kids said something like that then it would be a pretty dead giveaway that they were doing cocaine, but Danny totally buys it.  DJ tries to strengthen her ruse by asking Danny and Joey what she should talk to her adopted old person about but all she gets for advice are impressions of the Three Stooges.

As DJ and Kimmie Gibbler exit through the back yard, they find Stephanie attempting to train Comet to jump over Michelle.  Why aren’t the younger girls also going to school?  Comet just sort of rests his head on Michelle instead of jumping over her and then Kimmie Gibbler’s like, “my dog can do hella better tricks than your stupid dog.”  Stephanie gets all competitive and then she and Kimmie Gibbler end up deciding to host a competition after school for all of the dogs in the neighborhood to determine whose is the smartest.

Wait, DJ really was going to an old folks home?  Maybe there’s cocaine inside.  We’re introduced to DJ’s adopted old person, Eddie Johnson, as we watch him kick the shit out of another old guy at cards who, incidentally, will play Jerry Seinfeld’s adopted old person later in the decade.  DJ and Eddie meet and have a hard time finding common ground until he starts to recall his youth playing guest roles on Sanford and Son and 227.  Eddie tells DJ that she reminds him of his estranged daughter, Gloria, and then he challenges her to a game of bumper pool.

Stephanie preps Comet and Michelle to rehearse their trick for the dog show and when she asks Michelle if she’s ready, Michelle replies with “Duh!”  I wonder if they’re gonna keep busting that one-liner out every episode.  It already feels obligatory.  Comet successfully jumps over Michelle and the audience respond almost as enthusiastically as they did when Michelle said “Duh.”

Becky coerces Jesse into coming downstairs in the pregnancy suit she’s acquired for him.  She says that she wants him to wear it so he can understand what she’s going through and I have to say that its not surprising that she’d have to stoop to such outlandish measures to try to teach this man some empathy.  She bets him that he can’t wear it for one whole day and they end up wagering the choice of wallpaper in their twins’ bedroom.  Becky wants circus themed wallpaper and Jesse, surprise surprise, wants Elvis wallpaper.  I like how they don’t even try anymore.  It’s like, “hey Jesse, where do you wanna go for dinner?”  “I want to go to the Elvis restaurant.”  “Hey Jesse, which beach should we go to?”  “Elvis beach.”

After DJ kicks Eddie’s ass at bumper pool she tells him that she has to get home to watch the dog competition that her ugly sisters are putting on and then clarifies that the competition is between actual dogs, not her sisters.  Eddie’s like, “Gee, I sure would like to go to a dog competition, but I guess I’ll just sit her and wither away instead because nobody ever invites me to anything…”  DJ is effectively manipulated into inviting him and asks if they need to check with someone to let them know that he’s leaving the home.  Eddie’s like “Fuck that noise,” and then creates a diversion by setting Jerry Seinfeld’s adopted old person up to get in trouble with the nurses.  DJ totally manages to not notice that Eddie is obviously sneaking out of the home and the two walk out with linked arms and similar vacant expressions.

Upon entering the full house, Eddie is immediately confronted with a barrage of stupid bullshit.  First he meets Jesse, who is more than happy to complain about his pregnant man circumstances to a complete stranger, and then he’s forced to meet the worst person who ever lived, Joey.  Joey’s sporting his Ranger Joe gear in this scene and it occurred to me that even fucking Joey has a job now, making Jesse an even more incredible loser than he’s ever been before.  Joey’s got a job, you guys.  A good job.  And Jesse’s just sitting in the living room in a pregnancy suit, wondering how to make it all last.

As DJ and Eddie head to the backyard to judge the dog show, Eddie becomes confused and starts calling DJ “Gloria” and telling her to get ready for school.  DJ’s like, “what’s your fucking problem, Eddie?  I’m counting on you to help me evaluate this dog show and now I’m really doubting your perspicacity.”

Danny comes home and shows Jesse the pooper scooper that he’s purchased as first prize for the dog competition.  Jesse tells Danny that he’s gonna cheat on his bet with Becky and take the pregnancy suit off for a while because he’s totally unwilling to put any effort into anything and has no respect for his pregnant wife.  While he sits and bemoans his aching back, Becky sneaks up behind him and starts rubbing his neck.  Jesse, quite naturally, assumes that Danny is the one who is tenderly rubbing him and then right before he asks for a reach-around he finds out that it’s Becky.  He tries to weasel his way out of losing the bet but Becky tells him that he’s fuckin’ done, son, and their kids are going to have circus wallpaper.  I actually have to admit that having Elvis wallpaper would probably be less psychologically damaging for a child than clown wallpaper, but a bet’s a bet.

As everyone gathers together in the backyard for the dog competition, I can’t help but be amazed that this entire event was put together in half a day.  They got like a dozen kids to bring their dogs.  I also like how Danny and Joey seem to regard the dog competition as a legitimate, important thing.  Anyway, Teddy shows everyone his dogs funny walk, which is when he drags himself by his front legs.  I’m pretty sure Teddy’s dog is played by that dog from the Mask who later had that show, Wishbone.  That dog was like the Dakota Fanning of the mid 90’s.

Stephanie gets Comet ready to do his trick but then Kimmie Gibbler shows up with her dog and then the two dogs fall in love.  Since the dogs are both too smitten to compete in the competition, Teddy’s dog wins because all of the other dogs belong to extras.  Danny awards Teddy with the pooper scooper and Teddy’s like, “This is a weak ass muthafuckin prize is what this is.  Shit and damn.”

Eddie spies his nurse coming in through the back yard and he sneaks away into the full house.  The nurse tells DJ that she wasn’t supposed to take Eddie out of the home and DJ goes into the house and finds him in her room where he’s acting all confused and starts calling her Gloria again.  DJ acts bewildered and irritated by Eddie’s unusual behavior and tells him that he got them in trouble by sneaking out. She also makes a big point about how friends should be honest with each other so Eddie explains that he has bouts of confusion occasionally.

His nurse comes in to collect him and Eddie tells DJ that he’ll understand if she doesn’t want to come see him anymore but he had a really great time with her corny family and also he’s old and lonely and is probably gonna die soon.

DJ asks Danny about what’s wrong with Eddie and they have one of those special conversations that only a sheltered, privileged child and her rich father can have.  He explains that Eddie has Alzheimer’s disease and that he’s only going to get worse and then DJ says, “I can’t believe this!  I really liked Eddie.” (Note the past tense.)  Danny isn’t able to offer much advice about caring for the elderly because he’s callously discarded two separate actresses who’ve played his mother over the course of the series so DJ just continues to feel sorry for herself.  Eventually the music comes on and Danny says some crap about how making people happy is great or something and then DJ gets up and runs downstairs.

DJ stops Eddie just as he’s walking out the door and invites him to stay for dinner.  The nurse says that he can stay even though the whole reason she’s there is to come get him because he’s not allowed out of the home and then Eddie and DJ head to the kitchen, arm in arm, to set the table.

What a patronizing episode!  This is just the latest example of Full House trying to address a serious issue and completely trivializing it in the process.  How are they going to tell a morality play about caring for the elderly by introducing a character that we will never see or hear from again?  Now that I think about it, I wonder if the writers of Full House didn’t suffer from Alzheimer’s themselves.  It would certainly explain a lot.

Also, don’t forget that Bay Area Tanners shirts are now for sale through the best t-shirt company in the history of the universe, Like Minded People.