Season 5, Episode 9, “Happy Birthday, Babies-Part 1”

Oh, sweet, a clips show!  I’ve been waiting for one of these!  I’m surprised that such a hackneyed series waited until the 5th Season to bust one out.  I’ve been looking forward to a clips show because it’s basically a get-out-of-jail-free-card for me.  There’s probably about 5 minutes worth of new material here and they don’t even have a pre-credits gag.  The flimsy framing device is that it’s Michelle’s 5th birthday and they’re all reminiscing about how great she is.

It’s basically a look-back at the old baby before some new ugly babies become the focus of exploitation for the series.  The worst part of the episode is towards the end when they play a Ray Charles rendition of “You Are So Beautiful” over a montage of her growing up.  It’s the stuff of nightmares, I tell ya!  Anyway, I’m not gonna sit here and describe a bunch of clips from episodes that I’ve already wasted too much of my life writing about so I guess I’ll spend a little more time reading a book or enjoying precious moments with my loved ones or something this week.  But first I thought I’d at least offer you guys something since you probably still have that 20 minutes to kill at your desk job, so I went back and looked through all my old screencaps and put my favorite ones together.  So here it is, the Full House Reviewed clips show:

Remember when Danny made out with his mom?  It was right before Joey moved in.

Remember when everyone used to stare at Jesse when he was making out with chicks?  He used to get so much pussy!

I miss Bubba so much.

Why was he standing like that?

Remember when the uncles used chicken pox as an excuse to rub their bodies together?  Things were a lot more repressed in the full house back then.

I don’t know if anyone else remembers the time that Danny sang a song about tuna fish and soup, but I sure do.

This is my favorite screencap ever.

This reminds me that if you’re ever having a bad day you should read the comments section of an Enya video on Youtube.

Danny used to always look like he was going to have sex with everybody.  He still does it, but not as much.

This was a really serious scene.

Someone got paid a lot of money to make her hair look like that.

See, later on everything was a lot more out in the open.

It’s that muthafucka Duckface!

The first appearance of Kimmie Gibbler’s stinky feet.

Remember when Stephanie ripped shit up on the dance flo’?

Remember that horrible nightmare that Michelle had?

This is like the one time that it felt like I was controlling the show with my mind.

Remember when DJ said, “Dur! Dur! Dur! Dur!”

Remember when Joey got raped in prison?

I can’t think of a better single image that summarizes what this show is like.

Remember when they showed a way better show?


That’s pretty much what it looks like inside of my mind, too.

Like two succulent hams, pressed together.

That’s supposed to be promotional artwork for an animated series.

Danny’s a really shitty father.

Looking back on all these moments makes me realize that this show is way shittier in Season 5 than it was at the beginning.  Back when I started writing this blog I didn’t see how that could be possible.  How naive I was.  How tragically naive.

Firsts:  Clip show

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53 Responses to Season 5, Episode 9, “Happy Birthday, Babies-Part 1”

  1. FHRlover says:

    Long time lurker here. These pictures made my morning. Seriously, FHR is one of the reasons that I love Fridays. Thanks for your sacrifice!


  2. Hebrewersfan says:

    Excellent post today, those screencaps stand alone brilliantly. Danny’s tuna and soup song is one of my favorite parts of the series, especially in that awesome Warriors warmup outfit.


  3. Hal says:

    Please never stop reviewing Full House. When you run out of episodes, review Full House fanfic or something.


  4. What a great idea – make your own clips episode! I hope you enjoyed your extra free time this week.

    Thank you so much for reposting that delicious shot of Rebecca Donaldson’s ass, before she became Rebecca Dondaldson-Cochran-Katsopolis.

    On a semi related topic, Saved by the Bell has episodes up on Netflix instant, so I watched the first four or five of them recently. 1) Did you know Carla Gugino (Son in Law, Sin City, Watchmen, Californication, etc) played the 9th grader that Zach is dating in episode one? I tottally recognized her. 2) I think Full House made a way better subject for this blog. True, there are things to make fun of, but even for being schlocky it is much much better than Full House.

    Keep up the good work!


  5. Kamdan says:

    That was Joe Cocker, not Ray Charles.


    • Billy Superstar says:

      was it? there wasn’t a credit at the end so i had to make an assumption. it’s an honest mistake. anyway, who gives a shit?


      • Sean says:

        Joe Cocker huh? That nails on the chalkboard voice is an appropriate, hand in glove addition. I seem to remember Dave Coulier doing a lip sync to one of his songs. Not on Full House but on some American vidio type of thing.

        Liked by 1 person

  6. Wilkins says:

    Thanks for a look back at all that shit. There sure was a lot. A lot of shit.

    “Looking back on all these moments makes me realize that this show is way shittier in Season 5 than it was at the beginning.” Oh, you haven’t even hit the real shittiness yet. Brace yourself, my friend. There’s a shitstorm a comin’.


  7. CerebralPaulZ says:

    Pretty solid screen caps, I saved some of them. I’m not sure why I did that, just seemed like the thing to do I guess.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. taffy says:

    Shit! I thought you were going to also summarize the stupid “drama” in this episode about Michelle refusing to face reality and grow up, because that was one of the dumbest plots the show’s done (imo). And everyone tries to emotionally manipulate Michelle into believing that she’d always be their “little princess”. It was repugnant.


  9. Paddles says:

    You’re getting so close. All the pieces are there. You just need to put them together. We are all pulling for you. There’s more at stake than you know. Look closer.

    <img src="


  10. RachWho? says:

    Presumably there was an (albeit weak) framework surrounding the clips show suggesting that Aunt Becky’s demon spawn are almost here? Did her water break at the end of the show or something? Do the twins have the same birthday as Michelle? Oh dear lord, let it be so…that weasel-face Monchichi needs to be taken down a peg or ten thousand. Having to share her birthday with two younger kids would really pickle her turnips.


    • Billy Superstar says:

      they really don’t address that becky’s about to have her babies at all. it’s just all about michelle’s stupid party.


      • Zozo says:

        Hmm, I kinda remember that they did. But of course that may be in the next part of this double-hitter.


    • Penny says:

      The episode was originally aired as an hour, if I recall, and the end featured them all walking out of the room to get ready for the party, but Becky stops, feels her belly, and says “are you guys trying to tell me something?” Cue ominous cliffhanger music. Yes, I’m pretty sure that I taped this episode when it first aired, too.

      It was just on syndication the other day; they cut that scene when they broke it into two.


  11. Bridget Hainline says:

    That surprised me how the drama of not wanting to turn five years old was not addressed. They should have told her that she wasn’t the baby and not coddle her so. I watched an episode of “The Waltons” and Elizabeth, the youngest and a ginger kid to boot, didn’t want to turn 13. This refusal manifested itself into a poltergeist that threw her bedroom furniture around and Ike thought that poltergeist had to do with chicken (i.e., poultry). I did wonder if they had been hitting the pot a little too much on the show.


  12. Keri says:

    I’m reading Diary of a Wimpy Kid out loud to my 7 year old son, and there is a part in the book where the main character ruins an entire school play just so he won’t be embarrassed in front of his big brother. Everyone else is disappointed but he walks away pretty impressed with himself. My point? As I was reading this to my son I thought to myself, “Hmm, this character would fit right in The Full House!” YOU ARE IN MY HEAD!!!


  13. McWeen says:

    I spend every Thursday at work being angry that it’s not Friday because it’s not time yet for me to read your next blog post. Today I had oral surgery and just came out of my codeine-induced haze to remember that IT IS FRIDAY AND OMG THERE’S A NEW FULL HOUSE BLOG POST and as usual, it totally made my day. Thank you for being such a literary bad ass and thank you for causing me and several of my co-workers to let out embarrassingly loud belly laughs in a very quiet office. This post did not disappoint.
    P.S. This part: “…since you probably still have that 20 minutes to kill at your desk job…” You are not even lying. That shit is truth. Every Friday, sir…every Friday.


  14. Colin Sean says:

    Isn’t this the one where Michelle doesn’t want to get older and they all have to stop their shit to go tell her how cool she is for half an hour?

    When she grows up she’s not going to have ANY difficulty accepting constructive feedback about anything she ever does, I don’t know what you’re talking about.


  15. Sean says:

    Ahh, the clip show. A final cry for help from episode writers that knew the well was dry some time back.You do have to wonder though if there was some nefarious glee they felt as they paid back America for electing Ronald Reagan president. Twice. Unfortunatly the introduction of the twins does little for new plot lines or twists aside from diaper jokes. As has been mentioned, the episodes get shittier, in a figurative and litteral sense. Hang tight, you’ll be up to your ankles in it soon.


  16. Katie says:

    Every once in a while I kind of wonder, “Is this show really that bad? Maybe we are just being too critical.” These screenshots scream the answer with a resounding YES!

    Also this picture really needs to be illustrated and put up on the banner as well. The duo of obnoxious Michelles. The perfect commentary on all things Miller-Boyett.

    Speaking of Miller-Boyett: “A common theme in many Miller-Boyett shows would be the disappearance of a major character, who is no longer needed on the show, without a final on-screen explanation of their whereabouts. … This was most evident with characters such as Donald Twinkacetti on Perfect Strangers, Judy Winslow and Rachel Crawford on Family Matters, Brendan Lambert on Step By Step…” –Wiki

    Why didn’t they do this to Joey?!


    • Sean says:

      Joey wasn’t quite tangeantal enough to pushed into the memory hole. That and a better contract.


    • The Venerable Bede says:

      Completely agreed about the Michelle screenshot. I kinda wish that episode had happened earlier so that it could be the banner instead of the other one.


  17. Cristina says:

    OMG this is freaking great! My husband and I still watch full house and know every episode by heart.. I hate that they call Bubba an amphibian the whole time!!! He is a a reptile lool!!


  18. Teebore says:

    I’m surprised that such a hackneyed series waited until the 5th Season to bust one out.

    Me too! Hell, Simpsons only made it until season four before resorting to a clip show, and that show isn’t even in the same universe as this one, quality-wise.

    The flimsy framing device is that it’s Michelle’s 5th birthday and they’re all reminiscing about how great she is.

    Of course that would be the framing device…

    Why was he standing like that?

    And what is he standing on?


  19. I have never laughed so hard in my life. This is brilliant.


  20. PattyD says:

    I think Danny’s stance is bc he’s “got a little captain in him”. Take that however you wish.

    It’s been a while since I’ve commented, but I just want to say again that you never disappoint. The best thing about my crazy erratic schedule is that I will miss this blog for chunks at a time now, and then will have several (!) entries to read at once. The worst thing is that reading these at once will surely cause me to laugh so hard and long (that’s what she said) that I will pee my bed.

    On a final note, I heart you SO BAD for reposting that mutha fucka Duckface.


  21. Sara J. says:

    For the record, Danny was standing like that because he was locking one side of the double doors. His foot’s on the mechanism. Mystery solved!🙂


  22. kp199 says:

    Ugh, hated this episode. Michelle throwing herself a pity party because she’s turning 5, and her book is finished. So then each member of the family has to manipulate her with lines of how perfect and awesome she is. Lawd.


  23. Chuck says:

    They must’ve cut the opening teaser from the DVD release…when it originally aired (as an hour-long ep, pre-empting Home Improvement), there’s a pre-credits gag in which DJ and Stephanie are wrapping Michelle’s gift, only for the birthday girl to walk in on them and try to guess what it is.


  24. Cassie says:

    Can we get those Donnie-and-Marie-are-dolphins picture as a tshirt? I would totally buy that tshirt. That is some amazing art.


  25. alexisofallon says:

    This was especially hilarious. I am sadly very validated by reading this blog. I hate this show so much. It makes me so happy to find that so many people feel the same way.


  26. Appleteeny says:

    This episode always pissed me the hell off! Michelle acted like such a spoiled little bitch, but then again, what else is new? Seriously, though. HOW many “Michelle-tribute” episodes were there in this series? And of course neither Steph nor DJ got a single tribute episode.
    I really wish Michelle would have gotten stomped on by that fucking horse…


  27. Ashley says:

    Michelle definitely brought her brattiness to a new level in this episode. How many kids actually get depressed on their birthdays at that age? Most kids are excited to be another year older, and they’re even more excited for their birthday parties and gifts. People don’t start getting depressed about their birthdays until they’re out of childhood. It’s also annoying because the episodes leading up to this one she kept mentioning she would be five soon. So why the sudden pity party? I know they wanted to do some kind of a clip show, but they could have found another way instead of that. A lot of things on this show doesn’t make sense, but this show made the least sense. No child is depressed because they’re aging.


  28. JCC says:

    “This is my favorite screencap ever.”
    It’s like some freaky 70’s German prog rock album cover.

    “It’s that muthafucka Duckface!”
    I find this doubly funny if I imagine Steve Buscemi’s character from Fargo saying it.

    Joey Gladstone is not gentle.


  29. Martin Tanner's Ghost says:

    Speaking of when the show shown better shows, you forgot the screen of the Thundercats!


  30. Lloyd Mongul says:

    What about Joey getting hit in the head with a coconut


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