Season 5, Episode 12, “Bachelor of the Month”

Well, shit.  There’s no pre-credits gag again.  I’m not even gonna acknowledge it anymore when this happens.  I’m just totally over it.

Jesse comes downstairs as the rest of the family eats breakfast and then Danny and Joey totally guilt trip him about how he hasn’t been spending time with them because he has two brand new babies.  Jesse ignores their feelings, as he always does with everyone’s, and then he goes on a whole thing about what an awesome dad he is.

Vicky comes by to pick Danny up for work and then the girls all start talking to her about how bad their dad wants to fuck her.  Just as Vicky tries to break it gently to Danny that he’s horrendously unappealing, Kimmie Gibbler comes in through the back door and busts out a spread in Bay City magazine that’s declared Danny “Bachelor of the Month.”  Say Whaaat?!!?

Danny struggles to explain to Vicky that he didn’t try to get Bachelor of the Month just so he could bang a bunch of loose chicks but then he’s interrupted when a fine ass woman knocks on the back door.  I missed a lot of what she said because she was jogging in place the whole time and therefore her titties was bouncing, but I’m pretty sure that she offered to fuck Danny.

After the bouncing titties lady leaves, Danny’s like, “holy shit, I’m finally gonna get my rocks off!  It’s been like 50 episodes!” but then Michelle gets all upset because that means that he wont be around to read her a bedtime story.  The other girls point out to Michelle that Danny never gets any pussy ever, a sad fact that rings so tragically true that even Michelle is moved.

Jesse and Becky show the twins their newly finished room and then there’s a long boring scene of them being parents.  There’s an Elvis mobile and a bunch of close ups of the babies not doing anything that make the audience all go “aww” for some reason, and that’s about it.

DJ reads Michelle a story so she’ll go to sleep but then Michelle criticizes DJ’s use of tugboat noises.  Stephanie enters the room to bring Michelle a glass of water and Michelle displays a total lack of gratitude by interrogating her about whether or not it’s from the kitchen.

Even though her older sisters are implausibly tolerant of her demanding behavior, Michelle still bitches and moans about how her stupid dad isn’t around but then DJ tells her tough shit because Danny has a different piece of ass lined up for each day of the week. Since such a statement has to be seen to be believed, there’s a montage:

After the Danny-getting-hella-pussy montage, set to none other than ZZ Top (the pussy-gettin’-est of all musics), they cut to Danny bragging about said pussy on Wake Up, San Francisco.  Vicky asks him to please shut the fuck up because he’s disgusting and also he might want to actually start talking about shit that people want to hear about on his morning show.  Danny disregards both Vicky and his audience by getting into a pissy argument with her about their dating lives that climaxes with him sort of aggressively coercing her to go out on a date with him.  Although she should totally sue him for pulling some shit like that, she agrees to go on the date under the pretense that she’ll tell the viewers how shitty it was afterwards.

After Joey takes yet another message from a strange and desperate woman who wants to bang Danny, he asks Jesse how Danny is able to keep track of all of this newfound pussy.  Jesse recounts his methods of organizing all the pussy he got back in the day and then, naturally, Becky comes up behind him and gets all pissed.  Joey points out how exhausted and horrible looking they both are and then they head back upstairs to tend to their unholy spawn.

Danny tells Michelle a bedtime story that’s all about how he’s gonna fuck Vicky later and then all of a sudden Teddy walks in.  This is about as clever a reveal as you’re ever going to see on this show, as it becomes apparent that Danny and Michelle are simulating the tucking-in process hours ahead of time since Danny’ll be balls deep in Vicky’s roofied vagina by the time Michelle’s actual bedtime rolls around.

Before he leaves, Michelle asks Danny if she can come on his date but he tells her it’s better if there aren’t any witnesses.  Michelle and Teddy then share an exchange of awkwardly edited together takes where they decide to stow away on Danny’s date.

Joey and the girls make a special dinner for Jesse and Becky and offer to watch the babies for the evening.  I was pretty astonished at this display of selfless behavior, which I suppose could only ever occur for the sake of a corny set-up.

First there’s a long ass scene of Jesse and Becky trying to think of something to talk about over dinner besides the babies, which they’re unable to do.  Next there’s a scene of Joey traumatizing one of the babies by doing his terrible Popeye impression while changing his diaper.  Seriously, there’s no way that experience wouldn’t ruin that kids whole life.  The baby protests by pissing all over Joey, which serves him right for many reasons, most of which is all those jokes he told where he spit all over everything. Finally, there’s a hilarious reveal of Becky and Jesse spending their romantic dinner together sleeping.  Oh, new parents!

Danny pulls up to a fancy restaurant and then Michelle and Teddy sneak out of the back of his car.  As Danny acts like a total dipshit in front of Vicky, Michelle and Teddy somehow manage to get a booth at the restaurant.  One of the wait staff is reminded that all of the kids on this show get to eat cake all the time so he wheels a cart of it over to the kids’ table.  What is it with this show and kids eating cake?  At least they use forks this time.  Before this they always just shoveled it into their faces with their bare hands.

Danny eventually notices that his 5 year old daughter is walking around unsupervised in an upscale restaurant and asks here what the fuck she’s doing there.  Michelle complains that Danny’s never around any more to do whatever she wants all the time and then gentle music plays as Danny explains that he’s been getting hella pussy lately and he doesn’t need some ugly little girl hanging around to salt his game.  He then realizes that he should have explained to her ahead of time that pussy is magic so she’d understand why he wouldn’t be around.  He makes a special plan to tuck her in the next night and at no point remarks on how incredibly dangerous it was for her to stow away in his car and then wander around a public place unsupervised.

Back at the full house, Danny sends Michelle to bed, but not before she delivers a one-liner while making a face that will haunt me in a thousand terrifying nightmares.

Vicky tells Danny that her vagina got all moist when she saw what a corny dad he is and then Danny admits to her that he’s not really a “super-stud bachelor.”  He scores a smooch off of her as she heads out the door, destroying any intrigue her character might have brought to the show.  Seriously, what do we even know about this woman?  Not anything.  There’s isn’t a single element to her character other than Danny wanting to fuck her, and they couldn’t even draw that out for more than 1 episode.  At least Rebecca Donaldson was from Nebraska and made Jesse work for it for a few episodes.

Firsts:  the twins’ bedroom in the attic