Season 5, Episode 13, “Easy Rider”

Pre-Credits Gag:  Yeah, I know.  Anyhow, Joey gets all pissed about a call that’s made while he plays baseball in the backyard with the girls.  After a shouting match, he quits the game, but is then coerced into staying when he threatens to take his ball and bat with him.

As Danny compulsively cleans the plants in the backyard, Michelle pulls up on her bike and complains that she was mocked by some other kid for using training wheels.  She tries to talk Danny into teaching her how to ride without them but he says he can’t do it until tomorrow because Vicky’s coming over and he’s gonna try to slip her the ol’ salam.  Shocked by this rare lack of accommodation, and unable to wait for a period of hours before a request is granted, Michelle turns to Joey for instruction.

Meanwhile, Jesse and Becky spend time with their new twin potatoes and I have to point out that them being parents is FUCKING BORING.  All we’ve seen so far are a bunch of drawn-out scenes of them talking to non-responsive infants while the audience goes “aww” at random intervals.

In this latest adventure, they decide to take the babies on a car ride.  Jesse wants to go to the Harley Davidson shop but Becky wants to visit her Aunt Ida, a petty disagreement that harkens back to their pre-baby days.

As DJ and Stephanie lay around apathetically and watch music videos, as all kids did in those days, Danny comes in and tells them to get the fuck out because he’s gonna try to bang Vicky in a minute.  The girls mock and prod Danny as he exudes insecurity over the brief romantic exchange he and Vicky shared at the end of the last episode.  Apparently they’ve been working together all week but neither of them has addressed what happened.  Vicky shows up and then the girls prey on Danny’s state of panic because they hate their father.

After the girls leave, Danny stammers and prances around and then he and Vicky sit down to select next weeks guests on Wake Up, San Francisco, because I guess that’s part of their job requirements.  Vicky tries to ignore Danny’s uncomfortable lust but then she slips when she refers to Henry Kissinger as “Henry Kisser.”  Although I don’t think that Henry Kissinger was a popular guest on morning talk shows in the 90’s, or any era, really, I’ll forgive it because of the delightful wordplay it brought us.  Anyway, Vicky tells Danny that she thinks that they should forget the kiss from last episode but then they continue to bask in one another’s awkward sexual tension.

Meanwhile, in a rare use of on-location shooting, Joey teaches Michelle how to ride a bike in the park.  He makes her wear a whole bunch of padding and then she gets all freaked out about hurting herself, so Joey demonstrates how easy riding a bike is.

Every once in a while this show does me a solid.  There was that time that Joey got hit in the head with a coconut, all those times Kimme Gibbler dissed DJ in front of all of their friends, or even that glorious moment when Stephanie got hit in the face, but the most cathartic moment of all may be when Joey teaches Michelle how to ride a bike and she falls in the bushes.

I know it would have been better if the bushes were full of knives, or if she was ripped apart by wolves after she fell in the bushes, or if Joey committed suicide after she fell in the bushes, but I guess I’ll take what I can get.  And I know that that’s probably a dwarf stunt double, but, hey, I’m willing to suspend disbelief a little in this scenario.  I’ll tell you one thing, tho.  After Michelle falls in those bushes, she FLIPS THE FUCK OUT!

It’s awesome that we get to see her bloody scrape.  Again, pools of blood gushing out of her because of wolf bites would have been the ideal scenario here, but if a little bit of blood is all I’m gonna get, I’ll take it.  Plus she gets super pissed at Joey, which is awesome.  She tells him that she’ll never trust him again and then walks off, leaving him behind in the park.  How’s she gonna get home?

Back at the full house, Michelle is so pissed at Joey that she can only talk to him while he does his annoying Bullwinkle impression.  Why is that better?  She starts to loosen up but then he sprays her cut with disinfectant and the stinging sensation gets her pissed all over again.  And so this drama between the two worst characters continues.

In preparation for the trip to Aunt Ida’s, Jesse passive aggressively wears his hat backwards, a move that sure to get Aunt Ida all riled up.  He even goes so far as to put backwards hats on the babies, who sit there, expressionless, while the audience goes “aww.”  Jesse and Becky then spend several more minutes overpacking for the trip because that’s the way new parents are, you guys.

Danny and Vicky continue to work together, struggling desperately to ignore their raging boners. They finally address what’s happening and agree that they shouldn’t get into a relationship because they work together, and then Vicky says, “and who knows where I’ll be after Becky comes back to Wake Up, San Francisco,” and then there’s a little pause, which is clearly Vicky putting the idea into Danny’s head that they have to kill Becky.  Maybe Vicky won’t be a completely 1-deminsional character after all.  Anyway, as soon as they agree not to do the nasty, they immediately contradict themselves by furiously making out on the couch, with heavy petting and everything.

After Danny finally gets some action for like 5 seconds, DJ and Stephanie come back to the full house and immediately blow up his spot.  They exclaim, “make out, San Francisco!” and when they’re expelled from the room, Stephanie says, “have fun playing tonsil hockey.”  Man, when I first started this blog, I really didn’t know what I was getting into.  Back when I was watching the first Season, I couldn’t imagine how this show could get any more obnoxious, but it’s actually managed to exponentially expand it’s intolerability throughout the series in such a manner that would be impressive if it wasn’t so fucking unpleasant.

Anyway, Danny and Vicky finally agree after one episode and no character development to begin a sexual relationship and he decides to give her a little preview of what to expect from it by taking her out for vanilla frozen yogurt.

When Becky and Jesse finally get all the shit they packed to the front door, the doorbell rings, revealing a surprise visit from Aunt Ida. Oh!  It was all for nothing!

Jesse and Becky spent that entire episode packing for a car ride.  Seriously.  Deathly boring.

DJ and Stephanie try to trick Michelle into learning how to ride her bike by convincing her that they just want a photo of her sitting on it but she figures out what they’re doing and gets all pissed.  Joey intervenes and tries to bribe her into learning with a VHS copy of The Little Mermaid, but even that cinematic masterpiece isn’t enough to persuade her.  Joey finds himself at a loss until the music comes on.  That sweet, mood altering music.  Joey says some inspiring words about keeping at something even when it’s hard and Michelle is finally manipulated into giving riding a bicycle another shot.

So then they go back to the park and she rides her stupid bike and doesn’t even get hurt this time.  Joey congratulates her for doing it all by herself and then there’s this really creepy close-up of her saying, “uh-uh, Joey, I did it with you.”  I don’t know why exactly but that shit gave me hives.

Firsts:  Michelle bleeds, Vicky and Danny have sex, Michelle learns to ride her stupid bike

 

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57 Responses to Season 5, Episode 13, “Easy Rider”

  1. Lisa says:

    I just noticed the really cool shoes Danny is wearing in the scene where he is making out with Vicky. There is something I always wondered about Vicky. Why did the producers hate her? When DJ was given Steve as a boyfriend they included him in the show intro but Vicky was never included. They spent about the same amount of time in each episode. Then DJ and Steve broke up and he was taken out of the intro. Why did they have him in the intro to begin with?

    “uh-uh, Joey, I did it with you” – That line is creepy because a month ago someone posted a link to a blind item presumably about Full House which implied that the three men on the show had a deal going on in regards to who could have sex with the girls on the show first. http://www.crazydaysandnights.net/2012/04/todays-blind-items-forbidden.html

    And before today I had always though Henry Kissinger was the name of an actor. I just looked it up and he is a scientist. Yeah, why would they want him on their talk show? And since when do the talk show hosts get to choose who they have on? Don’t producers do that?

    Like

    • Jane says:

      Henry Kissinger wasn’t a scientist, he was the National Security Advisor and Secretary of State under Nixon and Ford. He helped soften relations between the US and the Soviet Union during the Cold War. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Henry_Kissinger

      Like

    • Jimbone says:

      Uh…Henry Kissinger was a POLITICAL scientist (about as close to correct as you’re going to get). He was in the Nixon administration and probably had his day on some talk shows back in the day, though it would have definitely been odd to have him on in the 90’s since he was barely related to mainstream America at that point.

      Like

    • Batman’s a scientist – Homer Simpson.

      Liked by 1 person

    • Lisa says:

      I didn’t think so many people would make a big deal over me saying scientist instead of political scientist. My point was that he is as far from an actor as possible.

      Watching Full House is probably the reason I thought he was an actor. They wanted him on their talk show and actors go on talk shows. Either that or I have been confusing him with Henry Winkler all of these years.

      Like

    • Hermes says:

      That blog post is seriously creepy

      Like

      • Angela says:

        Hell, yeah, it is.

        I’m so glad I’m not the only one who got seriously creeped out by Michelle’s end line to Joey in that episode. It just sounds so very, very, VERY wrong.

        I just stumbled across this blog thanks to someone sending it on. It’s hysterical. I’m really enjoying reading these recaps.

        Like

      • The Venerable Bede says:

        It creeped me out, too. I wasn’t really sure what I was reading.

        Like

    • tinkerbeth says:

      My major question is why in the holy fuck is this farce of a talk show booking its guests just a god damn week out? Like they can just call up Henry Kissinger and be like cancel your plans yo, we need you for 15 minutes on Wednesday.

      God this show fucking sucks.

      Like

  2. Kristen says:

    Henry Kissinger? He was one of the most important policy makers for 20th c. American international politics. He has a Nobel Peace Prize. He is huge. Realpolitik etc.

    I had completely forgotten it until now, but that “Henry Kisser” line was apparently burned deep into my subconscious, and when I read it I had a terrible feeling of awkwardness and disgust and crippling fear come over me. I assume this is what the attempted sexualization of Danny Tanner did to me.

    Like

  3. Hebrewersfan says:

    “the most cathartic moment of all may be when Joey teaches Michelle how to ride a bike and she falls in the bushes”

    I also agree with this sentiment, I think we need a GIF of that scene on a continuous loop.

    Like

  4. Jordan says:

    “Meanwhile, Jesse and Becky spend time with their new twin potatoes”

    This is why I keep coming back.

    Like

  5. Adam says:

    Why is michelle (notice I didn’t capitalize her name because I don’t recognize her as a human) wearing ski goggles to go for a bike ride? What a stupid bitch.

    Like

  6. motoxchick says:

    Not that I want to defend michelle, but those could also be dirtbike goggles, though I’ve never really seen them that shade of amber before. Mine were always yellow or clear.

    I remember this episode vividly from my childhood. I’d always hoped that michelle would land on her head or break a wrist when she fell in the bushes (not that it would have mattered, what with all the extra padding that she wore.)

    Billy, I have a question. Which episode is it that someone explains that you must chew your food 22 times before you swallow it? I was involved in a discussion about digestion last night and it brought back memories about that particular episode.

    Like

    • Rose says:

      I have no idea why I remember this, but I’m pretty sure it was the one where they are doing spring cleaning and Danny is putting shelf paper in the closet and they all start bitching about him not knowing he’s in there. He gets really butt hurt and goes on a mountain hike with a donkey or some shit. I don’t think it’s been reviewed yet.

      Like

  7. Teebore says:

    Ah, the Michelle falls off her bike episode. Classic.

    After a shouting match, he quits the game, but is then coerced into staying when he threatens to take his ball and bat with him.

    Real mature there, Joey.

    Although I don’t think that Henry Kissinger was a popular guest on morning talk shows in the 90′s, or any era, really, I’ll forgive it because of the delightful wordplay it brought us.

    I would pay a large sum of money to have seen Henry Kissinger on “Wake Up, Sand Fransisco”

    How’s she gonna get home?

    How’s Joey, for that matter? I figure Michelle’s probably the one who knows the way…

    He decides to give her a little preview of what to expect from it by taking her out for vanilla frozen yogurt.

    A. What a fantastic (and likely unintentional) commentary on the character’s personality.
    B. That should be the name of Danny’s hip hop group.

    Like

    • Lisa says:

      “How’s she gonna get home?

      How’s Joey, for that matter? I figure Michelle’s probably the one who knows the way…”

      Still laughing, good sir!

      Like

  8. Hollywood says:

    Like

  9. Hollywood says:

    Who the fuck is Aunt Ida these random characters…

    Like

    • Katie says:

      She’s the one that knitted the booties that Jersey hated.

      Like

    • BlondieRock13 says:

      She’s the kind of bitch that tells you to take a road trip to visit her and then without calling to make sure you haven’t packed and left yet (because pre-cell phone days) she shows up at your door. Because, surprise! Like, wtf would she have done if she’d unknowingly passed them on the highway and gets to their house and they’re not there? I’d be mad as hell at her and tell her that she can’t ever see the potato twins.

      Like

  10. alison says:

    Don’t say I never did nothin’ for ya.
    http://imgur.com/sqiM1

    Like

  11. TayciBear says:

    So I was driving to pick up my son and I was listening to the audiobook of 11-22-63 by Stephen King. The guy was told to use a cutting motion across his neck to cut this guy off, I thought what if he made a chopping motion and said Cut. It. Out. and then I remembered that it was Friday. You and Full House have invaded my life.

    Like

  12. Sally says:

    I’m surprised no one has pointed out the most obvious plot hole in a long time! How in the hell does Becky have an Aunt Ida in San Francisco??? She supposedly moved from Nebraska to San Francisco for work, and it was a big deal in the early episodes that she was a country girl alone in the big city. Please tell me I’m not the only one who’s thought of this!

    It makes me so angry that the writers will go to the trouble to give the characters a back story and then won’t stick with it. (Danny’s mom lives in Tacoma in one episode, I believe)

    Like

    • allison says:

      Hate to defend this show but, maybe her aunt moved to California years later? Even still, it’s still not really the biggest plot hole this show has.

      Like

  13. “Anyway, Vicky tells Danny that she thinks that they should forget the kiss from last episode but then they continue to bask in one another’s awkward sexual tension.”

    Awesome.

    The photo montage of Michelle falling in the bushes: why not make a gif? It’s easy. Try http://www.picasion.com you just need 10 sequential screen shots. I like to include one – sometimes two – in each of my posts.

    “I know it would have been better if the bushes were full of knives, or if she was ripped apart by wolves after she fell in the bushes, or if Joey committed suicide after she fell in the bushes, but I guess I’ll take what I can get.”

    …Aaaaaand, you redeemed yourself from not including a gif of Michelle falling in the bushes.

    “It’s awesome that we get to see her bloody scrape. Again, pools of blood gushing out of her because of wolf bites would have been the ideal scenario here, but if a little bit of blood is all I’m gonna get, I’ll take it. “

    And you redeemed yourself twice.

    “In preparation for the trip to Aunt Ida’s, Jesse passive aggressively wears his hat backwards, a move that sure to get Aunt Ida all riled up.”

    You just brought back a flood of memories and images of Jermsey’s backwards hat wearing, and I had to go vomit. I take all my compliments I’ve ever made back. All of them.

    “Anyway, Danny and Vicky finally agree after one episode and no character development to begin a sexual relationship and he decides to give her a little preview of what to expect from it by taking her out for vanilla frozen yogurt.”

    And you are the master again. Am I bi-polar, or is it the beer? In fact, allow me to apologize! I meant to read your blog first thing this morning, but then actual work got in the way and continued to keep me busy. How inconsiderate.

    “Joey intervenes and tries to bribe her into learning with a VHS copy of The Little Mermaid, but even that cinematic masterpiece isn’t enough to persuade her. “

    Wouldn’t you know it, I watched the 20th anniversary double DVD edition with my daughter not that long ago, and they cut or edited out the boner the priest gets when hot petite Ursula gets married to the prince? Whether you believe it’s really a boner (it is) or just a coincidence, it was gone. You can still find it on youtube, though.

    Like

  14. RoxyHelen says:

    I don’t know if you guys saw these videos , but they go great with this awesome website:

    Like

  15. PuppetDoctor says:

    Haha I love how you posted images of Michelle’s bike slowly falling down it gave me a good laugh.

    “Meanwhile, Jesse and Becky spend time with their new twin potatoes and I have to point out that them being parents is FUCKING BORING.”

    Twin Mr. Potato heads.

    Like

  16. Navarro says:

    you missed the end of the episode where michelle learned how to ride her bike by not falling for a second and a half

    Like

  17. Bridget Hainline says:

    Aunt Ida didn’t knit the peach and mint-green booties. Becky’s mom did and Jesse hated them because the booties were proof that the twin babies are living with closeted gay men.

    Like

  18. Junior says:

    If you scroll down the page really fast, you can see Michelle fall off her bike in action.

    Like

  19. Moe Greene says:

    I feel FHR’s second GIF coming on!

    Like

  20. TayciBear says:

    I just found out that Dave Coulier did a voice on Teen Titans. AquaLads little weird bug friend.

    Like

    • trlkly says:

      He actually has done a lot of voice work. While I agree that he gets annoying with ’em, I don’t understand why Billy thinks all his impressions are all so crappy. Well, except for that water fountain one–WTH?

      Like

  21. Corey says:

    I had the same helmet as Michelle when I was a kid. I think every young girl in the early ’90s did. My god that thing is hideous.

    Like

  22. missi says:

    This, for me, is the funniest review yet. I had to watch this wretched shit with my grandfather every Friday night. I spent the whole first night of every weekend wishing Joey and Michelle would blow each others faces off in some kind of Mexican standoff. The idea of Joey cutting his wrists while wolves ate Michelle’s face really had me laughing so hard I cried. Thank you for you comedic genius.

    Like

  23. Dirk says:

    I’m not sure exactly why but this web site is loading incredibly slow for me. Is anyone else having this issue or is it a issue on my end? I’ll check back later on and see
    if the problem still exists.

    Like

  24. e_x_i_t says:

    I only remember this episode because Michelle fell off her bike, I think I remember laughing when it happened, would’ve been better if they pulled a Gage and she got plowed over by a truck, but here’s hoping it’s saved for the series finale.

    Like

  25. Ren says:

    I just wanna say that my college writing professor wrote this episode. And used an example in telling us how you have to give characters motivations. Because Michelle was MOTIVATED by the VHS tape to get back on the bike.

    And if that wasn’t sad enough, my prof was all “Oh yeah, it was some VHS tape” and I was like “IT WAS THE LITTLE MERMAID.” And then I felt the exact right amount of shame for knowing that off the top of my head. Which was a lot.

    Like

  26. A. Ray says:

    I just caught this episode on ABC Family this morning. Did anyone ever notice how no one ever closed the door once they came inside? It happened on this episode when DJ and Stephanie came home but I’ve noticed it in other episodes. Just always bugged me.

    Like

  27. SavaFiend says:

    Wait a minute…did men EVER wear those shoes like Danny has on in the screenshot where he is making out with Vicky? Those look like Keds. I thought only women wore those?!?

    Like

  28. Ginny says:

    After the girls leave, Danny stammers and prances around and then he and Vicky sit down to select next weeks guests on Wake Up, San Francisco, because I guess that’s part of their job requirements. Vicky tries to ignore Danny’s uncomfortable lust but then she slips when she refers to Henry Kissinger as “Henry Kisser.

    There were so many people vying to be on Wake Up, San Francisco they actually had to select guests? I always assumed they begged the guests. And Kissinger? Seriously? WUSF was popular enough to land one of the biggest political names of the late 60s and 70s? I mean this is a show that regularly had Ranger Joe as a guest!

    Like

  29. Bekah says:

    Please tell me there’s going to be a gif of Michelle falling into the bush..

    Like

  30. Lila says:

    And now they somehow can tell the twins apart without the booties?

    Like

  31. Jen says:

    Looks like Vicky shops for sweaters at the same store the guys do.

    Like

  32. Robyn says:

    Oh god I so hated Michelle, even back in the 90ies. This spoiled brat that isn’t even the least bit funny.
    Since Netflix HAD to include this series I now have to rewatch the whole damn thing, several episodes a day.
    Googling if there are others who also think that she is probably the most annoying child on TV ever I ended up here.
    You guys keep me sane!

    Like

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