Season 5, Episode 14, “Sisters in Crime”

Pre-Credits Gag:  Becky and Jesse pit the twins against each other in a speed burping match but then the old baby, Michelle, comes in and beats them both.

Becky prepares the twins for a trip to Aunt Ida’s, a character who didn’t exist before the previous episode but was such a hit that they had to at least reference her right away.  Meanwhile, the dads all gear up for a hockey game because they want to hang out like old times before Aunt Becky showed up and spoiled their sausage party.  I just realized how much less gay things have been in the full house lately, and it made me sad.

Before all the grown-ups head out, Danny thanks DJ for staying home on a Saturday night to watch her sisters and being all responsible and shit.  DJ says it’s no big deal because she thought she had a date with a hot piece of man-meat named Steve but then he never called.  Danny expresses no interest in DJ’s dating life, or lack thereof, and only pauses to remind her to help Stephanie with her book report and not to let Michelle outside because she has the sniffles.  Plot points!

After everyone leaves, the doorbell rings, revealing Steve, probably the last significant cast-member to join the series.  I didn’t expect him to show up so early.  Does that mean that absolutely nothing is going to happen over the next three Seasons? Anyway, Steve explains that he sent a note about their date but it wasn’t delivered by one of their friends, but he still wants to take her to the back row of the movies for some serious finger-banging.  DJ recognizes that this is probably her only chance ever to finally get some action so she scrambles to figure out what to do with her two ugly sisters.

DJ tells the girls that they have to come with her on the date and Michelle immediately starts giving her a real shitty attitude.  What is it with this fucking kid?  Everything she says is so laced with hostility.  She’s constantly jutting her face out and making cutty ass remarks, and yet, no one ever gets pissed at her.

DJ eventually convinces her sisters to come along but then further complication arise when Steve wants to see a PG movie.  I’m not even kidding, Stephanie totally refuses to go to a PG movie and forces them to find something with a G rating instead.  Luckily for DJ, Steve is pretty unphased by this, as he’s pretty indifferent about what the movie is, just so long as he’s finger-banging DJ the whole time.

Things get even more complicated at the theater as Stephanie and Michelle somehow figure out a way to spend all of their money at the concessions stand before they buy the movie tickets.  How is that even possible?  You can’t get to the concessions stand if you don’t have a ticket.  And even if it was possible, why did DJ give them all of the money she had?  Bringing this string of convenience-based, logic-free story elements to a climax is the sudden revelation that, hey, why the fuck not?  Kimmie Gibbler works at this theater.

DJ talks Kimmie Gibbler into sneaking her ugmo sisters into the theater but then Stephanie wants some sort of an explanation for why they don’t have ticket stubs.  I don’t know why they can’t just tell them that Kimmie Gibbler can get them in for free because she works there but instead she explains that they don’t have to pay because Stephanie’s the 1,000,000th customer.

DJ makes her sisters sit behind her and Steve inside the theater, which is totally inopportune for finger-banging.  The girls immediately start being loud, obnoxious assholes inside of the theater so DJ moves them to the back row.  Immediately after their relocation, some creepy guy comes up and starts talking to them and for a second I thought this was going to turn into a very special episode but he’s actually an usher checking people’s ticket stubs, which totally happens all the time at the movies.

DJ doesn’t even notice because she’s totally tongue kissing Steve!  Damn, I never thought it would happen.  No wonder she keeps this guy around for like the rest of the series.  DJ’s moment of glory is short-lived, however, as Kimmie Gibbler interrupts them seconds before the commencing of the finger-banging to let them know what happened to the girls.

Stephanie totally narc’s on Kimmie Gibbler when the usher guy takes them into some sort of an office for questioning.  DJ quickly shows up and concocts and elaborate story about the girls being notorious for sneaking into the movies and she lets the usher/manager guy know that she’ll be alerting their parents as she whisks them off.

Back at the full house, DJ conspires with her sisters to create a fake story to tell Danny about what they’ve been doing all day.  It takes some time for DJ to coerce them into going along with such shameless untruths, but they eventually comply, leaving their only concern to be whether or not Michelle’s feeble mind can maintain the ruse.

The dads all come home and get into a heated argument about how bad they sucked at ice hockey.  Their rage soon turns to lust, and shortly thereafter Aunt Becky walks through the door to discover them all writhing in a pile on the floor.  Oh, glory be!  The overt homosexuality makes a triumphant return!

Danny comes up to the girls’ room and offers DJ some heavy-handed praise for how mature and responsible she is for taking care of her sisters, which prompts a voice-over track of DJ’s guilt-ridden inner thoughts.

DJ sweats it out while the girls deliver their false stories but they’re all actually effective.  After buying all the stories, Danny goes into a lengthy praising of all of the girls until DJ is overwhelmed with guilt and confesses.  Danny gets really super pissed and dishes out justice by grounding all three of his naughty daughters.

After Danny leaves, the girls ask DJ why she pussied out on their brilliant ruse.  DJ explains that her conscience overwhelmed her and Michelle is perplexed because it’s pretty obvious by now that she doesn’t have one.  The music comes on and DJ proclaims that she’ll be spending more quality time with her sisters in the near future, which seems like a pretty tacked-on final sentiment if you ask me.

Firsts:  Steve, DJ gets some action

 

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62 Responses to Season 5, Episode 14, “Sisters in Crime”

  1. Jordan says:

    Weird, I had no idea Steve showed up so early, as well.

    Also, despite week after week of your wonderful blog rehashing old, previously dead memories of this horrible show, I have zero recollection of this episode.

    I think that should be listed as one of the ‘firsts’; “Jordan Doesn’t Remember This One at All.”

    Like

  2. Hebrewersfan says:

    I think Steve shows up sporadically for now, and not until they somehow re-unite after DJ takes a trip to Spain, he’s more of a regular. I’ll wait until that episode comes up to question the logic of Michelle and Stephanie hopping on that airplane without the same regard they are giving to going to a PG movie.

    Every time I’ve seen this episode, I can’t believe how incredibly obnoxious Snake and Sniffles are in the movie theater, especially when they are singing the Pink Panther theme song. How was DJ the only one to tell them to shut the fuck up?

    Like

  3. Bridget Hainline says:

    I think Stephanie should have cracked Michelle for sniffling behind her when she was working on her book report. I think we don’t like anyone standing behind us when we are working on something and this dislike probably goes back to ancient times when rival gangs when sneak up on each other and kill each other. As a matter of fact, the reason we wave is to show that we have no weapon. I also wanted to kick Stephanie when she sold Kimmy down the river and she had the gall to tell the guy his popcorn wasn’t good enough.

    Like

  4. Navarro says:

    this is the only time you’ll see steve in this season. but he’s in every episode in seasons 6 and 7

    Like

  5. Michelle V says:

    I’ve actually been expecting Steve’s arrival for a few weeks now. Don’t forget that he and DJ break up for a while in the last season and she dates that rich dude.

    Steve is my favorite, besides Kimmie Gibler. I have a soft spot for endearly stupid secondary characters who eat a lot. Plus, he’s fucking ALADDIN! I can’t wait for Kimmie Gibler’s incredible boyfriend, Wayne. I take back what I said about she and Steve–Wayne is my favorite, hands down.

    Like

  6. Kamdan says:

    I’ve never had any problems going to the concessions stands without a ticket. When you get to the entrance hall where the movies are playing, that when you need them.

    Like

    • Tayci says:

      At our theatres you must give them the tickets before you even get close to the concession stands.

      Like

    • SavaFiend says:

      At my local theater, you can walk in without buying a ticket at the window and go to the concessions, or my theater has a small arcade/game room plus like a little pizza restaurant eating area (as if anyone goes to the movies for all that bullshit). Then past the concessions, there is a ramp that you walk up, and there are theater workers at the top of it who take your tickets and point you in the direction of the right theater, since there are like 25 theaters in there and it’s like a mini-maze trying to wind around the hallways.

      I’m sure you were all on the edge of your seats wondering about my local theater set-up, LOL

      Like

  7. Lisa says:

    I was always bothered by the fact that DJ and Steve sat in front of Step-on-me and Michelle. If you’re going to make out in a theater full of preschoolers, have the common decency to sit in the back row where no one has to witness it — especially if 2 of those preschoolers are your little siblings! I don’t know how Steph and Michelle could concentrate on their little ballerina movie when, right in front of them, some dude was jamming his tongue down their sister’s throat.

    Like

    • Glenn says:

      After everything we’ve seen that happens in the Full House, that is the one thing that worries you about Stephanie and Michelle? Seeing some dumbass finger bang their autistic older sister in a theater?? Not that Michelle is a twat, or that Stephanie is don’t know how to interact with other people except to strong arm them into acting like they care about her? Really?

      Wow.

      Like

  8. Kamdan says:

    DJ confessed, because they would have been fucked anyways when Danny suggests they all go see the movie they got kicked out of.

    Like

    • CerebralPaulZ says:

      Why wouldn’t they go see it again? They didn’t even get to see the end.

      Like

      • Kamdan says:

        Right, but they could have been recognized by that guy who caught him and Danny would have found out they had been there earlier.

        Like

  9. CerebralPaulZ says:

    1. The usher most likely asked them for their tickets because someone complained about them, I think that’s part of the kicking someone out procedure.
    2. DJ was consumed by guilt? Over what? Nothing of consequence happened. These kids try to pull off much larger scale fabrications on a weekly basis and have never before backed down. I guess they just couldn’t end with her getting away with it because of the film code or something.
    3. Michelle has really become an unfeeling badass. It’s actually kind of cool how she treats her lame ass family like crap. I final understand her appeal.

    Like

  10. Bridget Hainline says:

    I think the movie theatre employees should wear purple vests or solid black. Sure black will make it look like they’re singing in Johnny Cash’s back up band, but the “Real Men Wear Pink” wasn’t in full swing back then.

    Like

  11. Mario Speedwagon says:

    I’d love to see a re-imagining of Full House, with a family unburdened by conscience, selfish to the point of sociopathy, obnoxious to Gilbert Gottfriend levels and full of unbridled hatred towards the other members of the family. So, basically the same as Full House always was, except without the G rating.

    It could feature the 3 dads who all secretly lust after each other, the girls who occasionally reach homicidal levels of envy and rage, and poor Aunt Becky, who is slowly turned insane by the goings in the house – again basically the same as Full House always was, except the subtext has suddenly become text.

    Like

    • Jimbone says:

      It would be Always Sunny In San Francisco…but with really young kids as well.

      Like

      • Jamie says:

        Married With Children featured a family with pretty high levels of IDGAF sociopath tendencies. But no Aunt Becky or hidden homosexuality.

        Like

  12. Katie says:

    Not that the writers have ever attempted to try to make the show consistent, but there will be an episode where Jersey can’t skate and doesn’t know anything about hockey. ( yet he is the announcer ) In fact there will be an episode where he sucks ass at basketball too. I think sucking at sports was one of the four characteristics… or were they all accounted for?

    Like

    • Joey's Mannequin says:

      Maybe he just stops eating so much fried chicken, so they said “shit, let’s just make him all of a sudden suck at sports, so Joey can be better than him at something” and then they did another line of coke.

      Like

  13. magellan333 says:

    That usher claimed kids were switching theatres so he needed to see Stephanie and Michelle’s ticket stubs. They were in a G rated movie! Who gives a damn if kids sneak into a harmless movie after paying for another one? The show wasn’t sold out. Just another lazy piece of writing on a shitty show.

    Like

    • Christian says:

      I just watched this episode on Nick-at-Nite (while reading the review at the same time, natch) and this lazy piece of writing infuriated me so much that I wanted to punch the TV. But then I realized it’s not my poor TV’s fault that I’m watching crap.

      If you suspect kids are switching theaters, you check the R-rated movies not the G-rated movies. How stupid?! Are we to believe that kids are buying tickets to R-rated movies and then sneaking into G-rated movies instead? The writers have no brain activity whatsoever.

      Another thing that made me mad was that if DJ was going to lie to the girls about the tickets, why didn’t she just say that Kimmie tore four tickets and gave all four stubs to Steve instead of making up that 1,000,000th winner bull crap?

      Like

      • Bridget says:

        Christian, I agree with you! The blogger who created “You Miss Your Old Familiar Friends” said she and her friend at age 15 bought tickets to a G-rated movie. They snuck into Russell Crowe’s R-rated “Gladiator” blood fest movie in order to see him in all his bloody, muscular glory!

        Like

  14. PuppetDoctor says:

    “Things get even more complicated at the theater as Stephanie and Michelle somehow figure out a way to spend all of their money at the concessions stand before they buy the movie tickets. How is that even possible? You can’t get to the concessions stand if you don’t have a ticket. And even if it was possible, why did DJ give them all of the money she had? ”

    Alright, this makes absolutely no sense. In theaters in my area now-a-days you can get to the concession stand without buying a ticket however, back in the 90s usually you had to buy a ticket before. Furthermore, as you said why the heck did Stephanie and Michelle even have the money in the first place, and when was it ever said Kimmy worked? It just seemed they placed her in a movie theater as a plot point. With that being said this whole episode seemed like an elaborate ruse to get things that most likely wouldn’t happen in the real world into an episode to make a plot.

    When the review ended I was surprised because the whole entire episode seemed like it was a giant set up for some stupid plot that really doesn’t make sense. Sure some of the plots are plain silly but this one just seemed REALLY silly.

    With that being said though I really enjoyed this episodes review and was one of the best reviews yet with some very funny lines in it. I also didn’t realize that Steve was introduced as early as Season 5. I thought he was introduced in Season 6.

    Like

    • Navarro says:

      the dumbest plot is where michelle thought her feet were to big and tried to shrink them (season 8)

      Like

    • Jimbone says:

      I completely agree with how random some of the events seem. When I watched this show as a kid it was never in prime time when the new eps aired; it was always on Fox right before dinner when it was in syndication. So I always just chocked up all the nonsense like this to the fact that episodes were shown out of order. But now that I get to see the intended order I realize I didn’t miss anything and it really is that poorly written.

      Like

  15. Bridget Hainline says:

    Another dumb eppy is when Danny wants his daughters and Joey to get along and he takes them and Joey out to eat and all four differ on cuisine preferences. DJ wants burgers, Joey wants pizza, Steph wants tacos, and typical Michelle wants chocolate cake. Danny takes them to that seafood restaurant although none of them want that. They are forced to wear those silly pirate hats and Stephanie orders a dish that is a mess of sea inhabitants. Man! Didn’t they have Golden Corral or Old Country Buffet in California and then all four would have their dietary preferences satisfied?

    Like

  16. Fuck! I forgot to read the new post on Friday AGAIN! Actually having to do work at my day job is really starting to get in the way of my leisurely pursuits!

    “I just realized how much less gay things have been in the full house lately, and it made me sad.
    […]
    Their rage soon turns to lust, and shortly thereafter Aunt Becky walks through the door to discover them all writhing in a pile on the floor. Oh, glory be! The overt homosexuality makes a triumphant return!”

    Ask and ye shall receive! Haha.

    Great review!

    Like

  17. Teebore says:

    Aladdin! I had no idea he showed up so soon, even he does go away again for awhile.

    Meanwhile, the dads all gear up for a hockey game because they want to hang out like old times

    Is hockey a thing for them? Or is this another interest that pops up out of nowhere? I can’t remember.

    I didn’t expect him to show up so early.

    Me neither. And what’s funny is that I totally remember this episode: sneaking into the movies, Kimmy working there, the illogic of it all – but I had completely forgotten the boy that triggered it all was Steve.

    I’m not even kidding, Stephanie totally refuses to go to a PG movie and forces them to find something with a G rating instead.

    That might be the most ridiculously “wholesome” thing ever on this show. I could get a PG-13/PG divide (though I’d argue Stephanie should be EXCITED to see a higher rated movie) but the difference between G and PG is so small as to be miniscule. Lame.

    he’s pretty indifferent about what the movie is, just so long as he’s finger-banging DJ the whole time.

    At least Steve has his priorities straight.

    I don’t know why they can’t just tell them that Kimmie Gibbler can get them in for free because she works there

    “Shut up, that’s why” would also have been an appropriate response.

    he’s actually an usher checking people’s ticket stubs, which totally happens all the time at the movies.

    Bwahaha! Ushers at movies! They barely have those at theaters anymore. But even back in the day, I don’t remember ever seeing an usher in a movie theater. I mean, kids got kicked out of movies, but it was just some random employee coming in and doing it, not someone specifically designated to check tickets and look for scofflaws. I really think the movie theater usher is an invention of sitcoms.

    when the usher guy takes them into some sort of an office for questioning.

    Questioning? Good god, they snuck into a movie. They didn’t rob the place. When my buddy and I were caught sneaking into an R rated movie in middle school, we were asked to leave, not held for interrogation.

    DJ proclaims that she’ll be spending more quality time with her sisters in the near future, which seems like a pretty tacked-on final sentiment if you ask me.

    That…doesn’t seem to be what this episode was about, at all…

    Like

    • Moe Greene says:

      Don’t worry…Jesse will be completely ignorant when it comes to hockey in an upcoming episode from a different season. He won’t be able to skate, he won’t be able to do the play-by-play and of course, Aunt Becky will know everything there is to know about the sport. Being from Nebraska, I suppose I should’ve expected that.

      Wait, what?

      Like

  18. Rebecca says:

    I’ve heard about your blog and kept meaning to read it. I finally got around to it yesterday and immediately said, “Okay, well I’ve got to read all this shit, right this second.” So now I’m all caught up and you have yourself a faithful new reader. This blog is freaking amazing.

    Like

  19. Bridget Hainline says:

    I think all three Tanner sisters should have been removed right away. DJ and Steve were making out in front of a bunch of little kids and Stephanie and Michelle were being obnoxious during the Pink Panther cartoon and Michelle actually shouted at DJ during the show. All three showed poor manners and breeding.

    Like

    • The Venerable Bede says:

      “The producers on Full House were really generous with me. Sometimes in the script it would read: ‘Dave will come up with something funny here.'” Oh my gosh, the writers were even lazier than we thought.

      Like

    • Allison says:

      Oh, thank God.

      On Alanis: “For the record: the theater thing didn’t happen with me. I guess somebody else was very lucky though.”

      Like

      • Allison says:

        Update: I’m now convinced that song wasn’t about him at all. When asked about Alanis, he says, “Alanis and I dated in 1992-93. I don’t think I ever pissed her off. It was a long distance relationship. She was living in Ottawa, Canada and I was in LA. I called her after ‘Jagged Little Pill’ came out and we got together. She was still as cool and friendly as I remembered. She’s really an awesome human. We parted as friends.”

        So why did YOU say that song was about you, Dave Coulier?!?!

        Like

  20. kp199 says:

    There used to be a theater in my town called Linden 3, and you could buy concessions before you got a ticket. It closed like 10 years ago though, because Edwards 14 came in. But yeah, I think it was a little more common in the 90s to have theaters like that. Not anymore though 😦

    Like

  21. Chuck says:

    I also found it laughable that Stephanie refused to see a PG movie…hell, that rating’s generally used nowadays for family fare, while G-rated films are usually geared towards younger kids.

    Like

  22. e_x_i_t says:

    “Back at the full house, DJ conspires with her sisters to create a fake story to tell Danny about what they’ve been doing all day.”

    As if simply saying “nothing really” wouldn’t have been enough for their devious plan to get one over on Danny to work. And then she confesses out of guilt? This is the same girl who vandalized a wall and then pulled a halfassed cover up that her idiot father somehow bought. I was expecting one of them to let it slip, or the little she beast just straight up tell Danny just because she’s that much of a bitch.

    Also, fuck you Stephanie for almost getting the Gibbs fired from her job. She probably started working there in the first place as an excuse to get the fuck away from them, then they go there and they almost fuck up her game.

    Like

  23. Packerchu says:

    Wait, I could’ve scored free tickets for my friends when I worked at the shitty movie theatre?! Why the fuck couldn’t I have also had a lunch break?

    Like

  24. Kristen says:

    I don’t know why but I remember the shirt DJ is wearing in vivid detail. Which is unfortunate because it is ugly.

    Like

  25. Chuck Damage says:

    This episode sticks out in my mind because it had a joke that was funny for two different reasons. DJ tells the Usher that her little sisters are criminals and she says their real names are ‘Snakes and Sniffles’ and Michelle asks ‘Which one am I?’ and then sniffles. This joke is funny because A) Michelle invalidates DJ’s story by not even knowing which member of the criminal ensamble she is and B) her Sniffling would suggest that her name is Sniffles and Michelle is oblivious to this. That Full House, what a genius show!

    Like

  26. SavaFiend says:

    In the picture with the three hockey-outfitted men piled on the floor, is it just me or does Joey look like he’s being banged from the back by an invisible dude?

    Like

  27. Megan says:

    Steve was also in the sixth season . in the 5th season he looked like he had a mullet. wow and the sisters got in the movies without a pass? man there lucky well until the manager showed up.

    Like

  28. Kenny says:

    DJ explains that her conscience overwhelmed her and Michelle is perplexed because it’s pretty obvious by now that she doesn’t have one

    LMFAO so true this little brat never had a conscience she got on my nerves years ago when I actually liked this stupid show.

    Like

  29. Megan says:

    you know in real life kids do switch theathers. the whole 1 millon customer thing was funny. and she didn’t have any money$ left ? she blew it on all that junk? wow i mean there just going to see a movie. Steph should have got a soda for her and Michelle and some candy and popcorn and maybe maybe they would have some cash left. the reason DJ confesses everything to her father is because if he took the girls to see the movie then the movie manager would have recionized the girls and that would lead to more trouble.

    Like

  30. Allison says:

    I’ve been waiting for Steve to show up, I thought he showed up next season. Also there was the return of Danny’s sex face, was he supposed to be mad in that picture?

    Like

  31. Appleteeny says:

    I always remember what a complete buzzkill Stephanie was in this episode! I swear, what kid in their right mind would be THIS honest? Usually, DJ is the one who always tries to kill the party, but Stephanie really gave DJ a run for her money in this particular episode.
    Also, I swear to fuck, I feel so badly for the other movie-goers who have to sit through Stephanie and Michelle’s loud bantering. Didn’t anyone ever teach them about having consideration for others? Oh, yeah…

    Like

  32. LORIMAR-Telepictures says:

    Were there any others in the theater at the time of the Squirt and Squirt, Jr’s shenanigans? If not, I say that that fucking little bitch Kimmy ratted on them because she was jelly that Steve picked Gloria over her.

    Like

  33. Laurie says:

    Two things.
    Why would the dads dress in full hockey regalia before even getting to the rink? Like, how are they going to get there in all that gear?
    Also, why didn’t DJ just ask Steve to hang out with her at the Full House while she babysat? It would have been a lot less effort.
    God, I hate this shit show.

    Like

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