Season 5, Episode 15, Play It Again, Jess”

After several weeks of being boring as hell at home with her stupid babies, Becky is going back to work.  Danny’s all upset because Becky’s return means that Vicky will be leaving and she hadn’t even developed a discernible personality yet.  Meanwhile, Joey has a stiff neck for some reason.  Finally, since every storyline has to commence in the kitchen in this first scene, Stephanie tries to get DJ to let her wear her clothes but DJ tells her fuck no.  After DJ leaves for school, Stephanie reveals that she’s actually been wearing DJ’s sweater under her coat the whole time.  Why’d she even ask then?

After the girls leave for school, Jesse gets a phone call from some record company who tell him that he sucks.  After being rejected yet again (still with no mention of the recording deal he got last Season), he talks it over with the twins because even though Becky’s gone back to work, he can still provide these incredibly boring baby-interaction scenes without her.  The scene ends with him asking the babies for “out-of-work high-fives” which I bet he used to do with Joey all the time, but even that fucker has a job now.

Vicky and Danny rub their boners all over each other right on the air during her last episode of Wake Up, San Francisco.  Danny then tells her that he’s found a position for her at the station doing the weather if she’ll stick around for some character development, but she tells him that she just got an offer for a job as a news anchor in Chicago that very morning.  What a lot of major life decisions to be made in such a short time, and all in front of a live audience that couldn’t possibly care.

After Danny whines like a punk bitch about Vicky moving to Chicago, Becky makes her triumphant return.  She makes Jesse carry the babies out for the viewers to admire and then talks about what a rad husband he is because he does all the cooking and cleaning and shit.

The next scene shows us what a good house-husband Jesse is with a rare, on-location segment of him and the girls at the grocery store.  While Jesse stocks up on Elvis peanut butter, another house-husband comes up to him and says that he saw him on the show earlier in the day and wants to commend him for speaking out for himself and all the other husbands out there who have no dick.  Jesse tries to salvage some pride by saying that he’s actually a musician but the other house-husband just smiles and says that he, too, has loser ambitions.

Meanwhile, in the most obvious set-up I’ve ever seen in my whole life, Stephanie positions herself to squirt some mustard over a free hot dog sample and, right before she can say, “I sure hope I don’t get this mustard all over DJ’s sweater, which I am borrowing without her consent” she gets mustard all over it.

Finally, the grocery store scene comes to a close with Jesse knocking over an entire display of paper towels, because I guess the family’s presence wasn’t quite obtrusive enough yet.

As Jesse finishes preparing a delightful meal back at the full house, each member of the family gives him some reason why they can’t sit down for dinner.  Jesse is eventually left alone with Michelle, who he laments to about the state of his life as a failed musician slash pussy ass stay at home dad.

Later, Jesse sits in the living room and talks shit to Joey’s Mr. Woodchuck puppet until Danny and Becky come home.  Without even saying hello, Danny immediately starts whining to Jesse about how fucked up he is over Vicky leaving.  After Danny wanders off, Jesse tells Becky that he’s got to go out because he got a gig performing with an oldies group at the airport lounge.  Becky manages to overcome her total astonishment at Jesse finding any kind of employment and instead points out that she wants to hang out with him after she gets home from work and also he doesn’t need a job because she makes hella money, plus they live in a shitty attic in his brother-in-laws house.  Jesse gets all irate and farts out a bunch of machismo before stomping off to his shitty gig at the airport.

Stephanie attempts to wash the mustard stain out of DJ’s sweater and shrinks it dramatically in the process.  DJ notices Michelle wearing it and Stephanie is forced to confess.  It turns out that the sweater was borrowed from Kimmie Gibbler, so DJ doesn’t even give a shit that it’s ruined, but Kimmie Gibbler demands that Stephanie give her a pedicure as reparations, at which point all the girls flee in terror.

Meanwhile, at the San Francisco airport, Jesse sings “Glow Worm” with a bunch of wheezing octogenarians in some shitty lounge.

The family all come to see him because they can’t don’t respect him enough to let him be a total loser in private, plus there are other plot threads to wrap up.  Vicky tells Danny that she wants to stay in San Francisco and do the weather, which leads to an extensive Casablanca homage in which Danny tells her to go to Chicago because it’s the best thing for her.  Personally, I don’t give a shit whether she stays or goes because she’s only been in like 4 episodes and doesn’t even have a single defining characteristic.  Couldn’t they even give her like a hat she always wears or something?  She’s literally got nothing.

Becky tells Jesse that his airport gig is fucking pathetic, even for an untalented musician with no real ambitions.  Jesse gets all pissy and says that he needs to provide financially for his family, even if it’s totally undignified and doesn’t bring in any real money and gets in the way of the hands-on support that his family actually really needs.  And do you now what Becky does?  She fucking apologizes to him!  I guess that’s the new modern woman.  She pays for everything, works full-time and takes care of the kids, all while her husband does nothing but accommodate his own selfish macho pride.  This show was supposed to promote wholesome mainstream family values, you guys.  I can’t believe how fucked this is.