Season 5, Episode 21, “Yours, Mine and Ours”

Everyone in the full house is all cranky and bickering so Danny decides to institute a Tanner family fun night to bring them all together.  Man, we haven’t seen Tanner family fun night since like the first Season or something.  It’s weird how the Tanner’s now consist of Danny, his daughters, and for some reason, Joey.  I mean, I know it’s ridiculous that Jesse and his wife and children all still live in the attic, but at least they’ve kind of got their own shit going on. This Joey guy’s just hanging out for like no reason, and his biggest development since moving into the full house is that he carries a woodchuck puppet around all the time now.  What a piece of shit!

Becky and Jesse enter the living room and get into an argument about how to raise their incredibly boring children.  Danny invites them to Tanner family fun night but they decline in favor of having a really lame subplot about their stupid mashed potato babies.

Naturally, Tanner family fun night takes place at the most ridiculous fucking restaurant imaginable.  It’s pirate themed, you guys.  PIRATE THEMED!  Their waiter is played by that comedian, Bruce Baum, who’s actually had a few other bit parts sprinkled throughout the series.

Everyone pretty much hates the restaurant, which I wasn’t sure whether to expect because who the fuck knows what these people think is cool?  DJ gets all freaked out about the possibility of being seen there by kids from school and then the waiter only takes orders from like 2 of them before leaving abruptly.

Danny makes everyone put on pirate hats and then the waiter comes back.  Stephanie orders some sort of elaborate, expensive seafood assortment and Michelle orders chocolate cake and nobody tries to stop either of them.  And then the fucking waiter abruptly leaves again!  He just says, “excuse me” and walks away!  I guess they do it for staging reasons, because a bunch of kids from DJ’s school walk by and the focus shifts to her not wanting to be seen by them, but even still, what the fuck?  Waiters do not order incrementally.

Jesse comes home and Becky gives him shit about taking one of the babies out without a hat on.  Jesse’s like, “of course I didn’t do the one thing you asked me to.  That’s, like, my whole thing.” and then the fighting escalates until they end up both calling their mothers.  I’m kind of surprised to see Becky putting up a fight here.  For the last bunch of episodes it really seemed like she’d given up completely.

After Jesse insults Becky’s mom over the phone and then hangs up on her, he goes into a big tirade about how he’s a better parent than Becky is.  The fucking nerve of this guy!  Anyway, they speculate about what would happen if they each raised one of the twins on their own, which leads to a fantasy dream sequence.

In the fantasy dream sequence, Alex is a total punk bitch after being coddled by Becky.

Jesse’s all paunchy and has hair plugs even though he’s actually older in real life now than he would be in this fantasy dream sequence and still looks pretty good, and also how could she possibly stay married to him if he aged poorly?  There’s also this really weird gag about how his pants don’t fit that I don’t even understand at all.

So then we see Nicky, who’s some fucked up biker guy after being raised by Jesse.  How’d he even get a motorcycle in his room?  And why would he want to?  Anyway, after the fantasy about how shitty their kids are going to turn out, Becky and Jesse continue to argue until she discovers that one of the babies is sick and the scene takes a serious, sobering tone.

Everyone continues to have a terrible time at the pirate restaurant.  DJ is humiliated when kids from school see her there with her lame family, Stephanie hates the expensive food she’s ordered, Michelle’s pissed that she can’t have chocolate cake, and Joey’s food wont come for some reason.  When the waiter finally does bring his food, he recognizes Joey as Ranger Joe and immediately alerts a bunch of kids in the restaurant to come bother him.  What a shitty waiter!

So Danny finally acknowledges that his family is having a really shitty time and decides to leave.  Suddenly and without logic or reason, the waiter grabs Danny and tells him that since the weird shit that Stephanie ordered wasn’t all eaten, he has to “walk the plank.”  A big bell goes off and lights flash as Danny is escorted against his will to a big plank above a ball pit.  No, but really though, is there actually any restaurant on Earth that’s like this?  I don’t even know what they’re going for here.

Before walking the plank, Danny insists on giving a big lame speech to the whole restaurant about how he just wanted to have a fun night out with his corny family.  Stephanie is so touched by his contrivances that she offers to walk the plank instead, and then each of the rest of the family members follow suit.  After each family member has had an opportunity to bother everyone in the restaurant, they feel a new sense of family togetherness and joyously jump into the ball pit.  Tanner family fun night!

Becky and Jesse wait around with their sick baby for the doctor to call.  When he finally does he doesn’t really have anything to tell them because a sick baby’s no big deal.  They put the baby down and then he’s not sick anymore all of a sudden for some miraculous reason and then gentle music comes on as Becky and Jesse agree to listen instead of argue.

This is probably the most incidental episode of Full House ever.  The Tanner’s went out to dinner and Jesse and Becky argued about how to raise their kids.  That’s like 2 B-stories at best.  It’s also interesting to me that they seemed to be trying to make the Tanner’s seem less corny or something by showing them having a shitty time.  Well, I didn’t buy it for a second.  Those fucks are the corniest bunch of cobs that ever lived.  They make the Brady Bunch look like the fucking Rat Pack.