Season 5, Episode 24, “Girls Will Be Boys”

Pre-Credits Gag:  Danny tries to teach Michelle how to not be totally disgusting while she eats spaghetti.  Guess what?  He fails.  Why are there so many routines on this show that involve Michelle shoving a bunch of food into her face?  It’s really gross, every time.  Maybe that’s why the Olson twins only collectively gained twenty pounds since these episodes were filmed.

I guess Michelle and her friends from school are the supporting cast of The Ranger Joe Show now.  Aaron Bailey’s even up in that shit.  You’d think that they’d have spent an episode establishing this or something.  Actually, I guess by now we can pretty easily assume that the people from the full house will invade and overtake anything they set their sights on, so it’s not really that surprising that Joey would bring in his own gang of ugly children after becoming the host of a kids show.

After the kids shout the Ranger Joe theme song, Joey is called offstage to have a meeting with Mr. Strowbridge.  I guess it makes sense that the guy who runs Wake Up, San Francisco would also run the Ranger Joe show.  It’s cool, guys.  That one checks out.  No need to criticize.

Aaron Bailey asks Teddy if he wants to come and play at his house but Teddy says that he has plans to kick it with Michelle because they’re best friends.  Aaron Bailey is pretty outraged at this claim on the basis that bitches aint shit but hoes and tricks.

Jesse has a moment with the twins that was so boring and indistinct from every other scene that they’ve ever been in that I can’t even remember what it was, even though I just watched it, just now.  Moments later, Michelle and Teddy come in with Aaron Bailey, who decided to come over after all because he didn’t have shit else to do.  The boys start playing superheroes and Michelle quickly learns why it sucks to have a bunch of boys over when she’s assigned the role of Superman’s mother.

Joey starts bitching to Jesse about how his meeting with Mr. Strowbridge went super shitty because he wants Ranger Joe to have a sidekick.  Joey speculates about who his sidekick should be for a minute and then turns to Jesse and says, “there’s only one guy perfect for the job.”  Seriously, no shit.  Who the fuck else was it going to be?  I guess Danny, maybe.  Anyway, Jesse seems pretty committed to unemployment and argues against taking the job until Joey is able to persuade him by creating the role of “Lumberjack Jess.”  I don’t know why that appeals to him so much, but it does.

While gossiping on the phone with Kimmie Gibbler about who stuffs their bras at school, DJ catches Stephanie listening in on their conversation.  DJ takes advantage of the situation by allowing Stephanie to overhear that she’s about to be the victim of an elaborate scheme.

Michelle gets sick of the boys’ stupid boy games and demands that they play house.  Teddy seems pretty down for it but Aaron Bailey’s like, “fuck that shit,” and convinces Teddy to come over to his house so they can do boy stuff like play guns and pee in the toilet at the same time.  After getting totally dissed by her homey, Michelle looks sad while sad music plays and it’s nice to see that this show can actually make me laugh sometimes.  I really have to admire Aaron Bailey for being totally insipid and bringing unrest into the full house.  I wish he was around a lot more.

While Joey and Jesse rehearse for the debut of Lumberjack Jess, Michelle comes in and asks them what make girls different than boys.  Jesse struggles to provide an explanation and eventually tells her that boys lead in dancing, can grow beards and have shorter bathroom lines at public events.  That’s really all he tells her.

DJ fucks with Stephanie by offering her a brownie that Stephanie is convinced is tainted in some way, possibly by having been rubbed on someone’s taint.  Stephanie throws the brownie into the backyard and tells DJ that she knows all about her evil scheme because she listened in on her phone conversation.

DJ tells Stephanie that she was just fucking with her so she would out her own invasive behavior.  Stephanie says that she’s learned a valuable lesson but insinuates that she’ll continue to invade DJ’s privacy in the future.  I guess that since the music didn’t come on, this conflict couldn’t be fully resolved.

Teddy and Aaron Bailey come back to the full house, which I thought was odd because they only just left, plus how are these kids getting around anyway?  I guess maybe they all live real near each other.  There’s actually a great bit of expository dialogue where Aaron Bailey asks why they’re there and Teddy tells him that Michelle has a surprise for them, then Aaron bailey says, “oh yeah.”  Way to lay out the premise, fellas.  Michelle comes down the stairs wearing pants and a jacket and says in a weird husky voice that she’s a boy now.  Way to work those acting chops, Olsen twin.  Danny looks perturbed but Teddy and Aaron Bailey buy it as a valid reason for them to all play together.

After the kids head upstairs, Danny tells Becky that he’s pretty weirded out by Michelle’s gender transition and she asks him if he ever had a similar phase, at which point he admits that he wanted to be Julie Andrews for Halloween once when he was a kid.  Damn, things are downright homofabulous in the full house this week!

Michelle is immediately disqualified from being a boy when she tries to nurse the imaginary wounds inflicted on Teddy during their game of guns.  Teddy and Aaron Bailey ditch Michelle yet again and then Danny comes into the room because he’s really concerned about Michelle wanting to be a boy.  Seriously, even after the Julie Andrews confession, he feels a need to intervene here?  It’s bad enough that this show has treated homosexuality as a big ridiculous joke for 5 Seasons, now they have to undercut the transgender community, too?  I’m gonna call GLAAD about this shit.

The music comes on as Danny explains to Michelle that Teddy doesn’t want to hang out with her because he’s going through a stage and that if he’s really a rad friend then he’ll come back eventually.  Then he starts listing reasons why Michelle is awesome, which is pretty fucking hard to watch.  I guess the episode was running short or something.

Hey, what?  Usually the scene with the music is at the end, but this episode keeps going.  Why does there have to be more?

Anyway, on the set of the Ranger Joe show, Aaron Baily and Teddy display a clearly defined dom/sub relationship, cementing this as the gayest episode of Full House so far. Michelle snubs Teddy and befriends Denise, who she seems to be meeting for the first time even though she was on the episode of the Ranger Joe show that was filmed at the beginning of the episode.

As the Ranger Joe show begins to record, Lumberjack Jess sees his debut, wherein the kids all laugh in hysterics at his stupid hat.  Jesse and Joey squabble about whether or not Jesse can go through with the role, which you think they’d work out ahead of time, not right on the air.  Jesse eventually concedes and plays a muzac-worthy cover of “Knock on Wood” with his shitty band while the kids all dance around.  It’s really an odd moment.  The kids just flail around for at least 30 full seconds while the music plays, and it’s hard not to wonder how this even qualifies as entertainment.  I guess it’s better than watching Danny make a list of reasons why Michelle is great, but it’s no less conspicuous an attempt to kill time.

After the Ranger Joe shows ends, Michelle heads off to hang out with her new friend Denise and tells Teddy that he can go fuck himself.  Teddy says he’s tired of bending over for Aaron Bailey and wants to hang out with chicks again and then he and Michelle make up.  As Teddy heads off with two broads on his arms, Aaron Bailey shows up and asks if he can come hang out with them too and then they let him because there are no consequences for being an obnoxious asshole on this show.

Firsts:  Michelle is dissed, Jesse as Lumberjack Jess, Denise

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67 Responses to Season 5, Episode 24, “Girls Will Be Boys”

  1. Angela says:

    Oh, my god, the “taint” thing…

    Re: Denise, yeah, Michelle meets her, like, three times on this show, ’cause there’s the two mentioned in the review and then when Teddy moves later she shows up again there, too, like it’s the first time. Yay for lack of continuity!

    Also, I tend to really love your choice in screencaps.


  2. Hebrewersfan says:

    Aaron Bailey is one of the best characters on this show, he seems to call people out on their shit and always busts Jesse’s balls whenever he gets the chance. If I remember correctly, we’ll be seeing more of him regularly.


  3. That face that Aaron Bailey is making is frighteningly reminiscent of his character Gage in Pet Sematary (quick aside – why is it spelled that way? I even looked it up in the dictionary – sematary is not a word, it’s cemetery). I’m kinda wish he had gone all murderous and sliced everybody up with a scalpel.

    “Stephanie is convinced is tainted in some way, possibly by having been rubbed on someone’s taint. ”
    Dude, best line ever.

    Regarding Michelle’s cross dressing in this episode: I had a friend when I was about her age named Dana. Dana was a boy (hey, it can be a boy’s name – Dana Carvey), at least that’s how she presented herself. I didn’t find out she was a girl (I adamantly defended her boyhood to other kids, even) until we went swimming one day and she was wearing a girl’s bathing suit. We had been friends for months! Anyway, it didn’t phase me at all. 1) Props to her parents for letting her be her (when you force gender assignments, you get murderous children – just watch Sleepaway Camp) and 2) Props to my parents for raising me with an open mind. Look at me, all progressive at 6 years old!

    Great review as always!

    Liked by 1 person

    • I once taught drama at an arts camp and had a student named Aaron, about 9 or 10. Short hair, always in T-shirts and shorts (it was summer)…I really didn’t know the child’s gender until I asked the camp director. (The spelling of the name threw me as well.)


      I liked that the kid was who she was. Better yet, one of our younger campers wouldn’t let anyone else make fun of Aaron: “She’s a girl, okay? Her hair is just different!”

      Liked by 1 person

    • Mario Speedwagon says:

      Can we confirm from this then that Dana is a name solely for girls and Canadians?


      • RachWho? says:

        No, we cannot confirm this. Dana Ashbrook, of Twin Peaks (“Bobby Briggs”) fame was born in California. And he appears to be male.


    • Rebecca says:

      It’s called the Pet “Sematary” because it’s where the kids used to bury their pets, and they made the sign for it. Kids aren’t known for being the best spellers.


    • Angela says:

      Here’s to letting people be themselves!

      Talk of names switching genders…my sister’s named Ashley, and apparently at one time that used to be a boy’s name, too. Now you can’t turn around without running into a girl with that name at some point.


      • Eyeteeth says:

        Ash from the Evil Dead movies is an Ashley, though I don’t think his full name is used after the first one. And Scarlett O’Hara is in love with Ashley Wilkes. Like most “unisex” names (Leslie, Dana, Joyce, Evelyn), it stopped being given to boys as soon as it became acceptable for girls.


    • Santana, in case you ever read this, Gage is the kid who made the cemetery for all the pets, and he made a handmade sign for it. He did not know how to spell cemetery, so he wrote “Pet Sematary” on the sign. Hence the title of the book/movie.


    • lugnut says:

      Only a year late again, but the book explains that it’s called the Pet “Sematary” because the sign marking the place had been painted by a child who didn’t know the correct spelling.


    • Lisa says:

      If I recall correctly, it was spelled “sematary” because it had been originally created by children for their dead Fidos.


    • Martin Tanner's Ghost says:

      It’s called Pet Sematary because in the book, the cemetery had a sign made by a child, on which it was spelled “sematary.”


    • Granny Tanny says:

      I don’t know if you’ll see this, but it’s called Pet Semetary because it was created by children who couldn’t spell.


    • rmc says:

      Figured I should let you know: I think it’s called Pet “Sematary” because the sign was painted by some kid who doesn’t know how to spell.


  4. Michelle says:

    What’s always frustrated me most about Full House is that the Olsen twins are the most uncharismatic, awful looking kids ever that can’t deliver lines to save their worthless lives, but that main cast of Michelle’s friends–Denise, Teddy, and Aaron–we all cute, endearing, fun to watch, and actually really funny sometimes.


    • Omar says:

      Most of Michelle’s friends had a lot more character than the Olsen twins ever had.
      My main gripe with this ep isn’t with the whole gender issue- I’m fine with girls wanting to be boys or boys wanting to be girls- no problem there.
      My beef is with Becky’s superhero knowledge, or rather, lack of it.
      Even at 11, I knew that Michelle could’ve said she was Supergirl. There’s no way Aaron could talk down that shit, right?


  5. Comet says:

    Who would win in a fight? Aaron Bailey or Kimmy Gibbler?


  6. Bridget says:

    Michelle, you should rent those two dramas with the younger sister of the Olsen twins. Her name is Elizabeth and she was in “Martha Marcy May” and this other one where she was trapped in a haunted house. I thought she was very good and had a charisma her older sisters lacked. Elizabeth played newborn Michelle on an eppy of “Full House.”. I do think the writers of “Full House” lacked some understanding of homosexuality and transgender issues. I also think if DJ offed Stephanie it would be justifiable homicide.


  7. Mario Speedwagon says:

    It all depends on whether Miko Hughes has been buried in the Pet Sematary yet. If he has, he may be able to withstand an attack on Gibbler. The big wildcard though is Kimmie Gibbler’s feet. Can her foot rankitude withstand a battle with a demonically possessed zombie child? But also bear in mind – it is entirely possible that the Gibber feet were once completely ordinary until they met an early demise and were resurrected in the Pet Sematary themselves. They are definitely evil enough to have been raised from the dead.


  8. Teebore says:

    I guess by now we can pretty easily assume that the people from the full house will invade and overtake anything they set their sights on

    They’re an invasive species! The zebra mussels or Asian carp of San Fransisco!

    Aaron Bailey is pretty outraged at this claim on the basis that bitches aint shit but hoes and tricks.

    Bros before hoes, Teddy. Bros before hoes.

    …she’s assigned the role of Superman’s mother

    Ha! I love it. She doesn’t even get to be Lois Lane.

    That’s really all he tells her.

    Seriously, Lumberjack Jermsey is just an awful, awful parent.

    Teddy tells him that Michelle has a surprise for them, then Aaron bailey says, “oh yeah.”

    That’s some grade A classic comic book style expository writing right there.

    Michelle is immediately disqualified from being a boy when she tries to nurse the imaginary wounds

    Let me just throw this out there: the boys don’t want to play with Michelle because she’s a girl, they don’t want to play with her because she’s boring. I mean, just because she’s a girl doesn’t mean she can’t play superhero, just like Teddy or Aaron Baily could play (non sexual) nurse if they really wanted to.

    Michelle snubs Teddy and befriends Denise

    Oh god, Denise, Michelle’s sassy black friend. I’d forgotten about her. Way to play to the stereotype, Full House.

    …because there are no consequences for being an obnoxious asshole on this show.

    At least they’re consistent!


    • lmnop says:

      It looks like you’re the one playing to the stereotype by describing Denise as sassy just because she’s black when that wasn’t a character trait of hers at all.

      It would be really great if I could read this blog without finding a bunch of bigoted bullshit in the comments every week. Usually it’s sexism, so thanks for mixing it up a bit at least.


      • Denise says:

        If you don’t think Denise was sassy, then you’re not paying any attention. Denise was more sassy than she was Black. So put your claws away.


  9. Sarah Portland says:

    Danny gets Joey a job. Joey uses that job to get Jesse a job.
    Nepotism, you so cool.


  10. Bridget says:

    I think someone should have taught Michelle better table manners. It’s perfectly fine for a 1 1/2 to three year old to not have the best table manners, but a child Michelle’s age should know better.


    • Lauren H says:

      Someone should teach the parents portion control too. That is a ridiculous amount of spaghetti to give a 5 year old.


  11. Riggins says:

    Is there any question why the actor who plays Aaron Bailey was cast into 2 horror movies (Pet Cemetery & Freddie’s New Nightmare)?! Holy Shit look at that face in the 3rd screencap…nothing but nightmares about that little fucker taking out my Achilles tendon with a scalpel when I go to take a piss in the middle of the night.


  12. Riggins says:

    Denise is a lot cooler as Jess in FNL…glad she moved to Texas and got away from the Tanners


  13. Bridget says:

    I remember the pilot episode when Jesse deadpanned to Danny, “Your baby’s a pig.”. How nice that she is living up to that sentiment!


  14. navarro says:

    Did we already do the episode where Danny taught Michelle how to blow bubbles threw a straw with chocolate milk?


  15. Kamdan says:

    I liked how Aaron shot down the idea of Michelle being Wonder Woman because she doesn’t have blonde hair. Well, if you REALLY want to be techical, Batman isn’t black and Superman ain’t a whiny little bitch.


    • Bridget says:

      Kamden, Wonder Woman has black hair and Michelle’s hair is strawberry blond.


      • luggbutt says:

        i think they meant that michelle couldn’t be wonder woman because wonder woman doesn’t have blonde hair. i was also confused for a moment and decided to spare others the few seconds of thought i spent thinking about this


  16. KisforKate says:

    The actress playing Denise was also in a few of the Olson Twin movies too. It makes me sad that I know this.


    • The Venerable Bede says:

      You made me go and IMDB her, and now I’m WICKED confused because she apparently played the exact same character (same last name and everything) on a few episodes of Hangin’ With Mr. Cooper (another show which I have fond memories but which probably actually sucked). What in the world?!


      • Mary says:

        So, I may be wrong, and I am going off of memories here and not actually Wiki-ing, but I believe Hangin’ With Mr. Cooper was….not a spinoff, but related to Full House in that it was set in Oakland(?) and the characters from FH somehow knew the characters from Cooper…I think Uncle Jermsey and Michelle might have been on an episode of Cooper that was probably on during Sweeps Week, as their Full House characters…so it stands to reason that Denise either originated from that show and crossed over to FH, or vice versa.

        Whew. Also, I know this response was months late, hope you see it.


      • rmc says:

        The other show was yet another goddamn Miller/Boyett joint called On Our Own, featuring all fourteen of those damn Smollett kids.

        It did suck. But I don’t need to say that because I already said “Miller/Boyett” and that makes it a fucking redundancy.


    • The Venerable Bede says:

      *fond memories of


    • trlkly says:

      I haven’t checked, but I believe she also plays Suzie on Rugrats.


      • trlkly says:

        Guess not. I don’t know where I got that idea.

        Also, I hate to say it, but she was cuter as a kid. She’s just so generic looking now.


  17. Karen says:

    Due to a bout of food poisoning, I was able to spend the last few days reading this entire blog from the start. At times, I didn’t know whether I was sick from whatever I ate or from the Trollsens’ ugly faces. Thanks, Billy Superstar, for recapping these awful things and keeping me entertained.

    This is something that my brother showed me yesterday–the video is pretty dumb and annoying (just like Full House!!!) and it has Joey Gladstone in it, but it also has ANDREA BARBER as Kimmy Gibler!!! And they’re married. I’m sorry.


  18. missi says:

    God Danny sucks. He is a homely dipshit.


  19. pdxcentric says:

    From that screencap of Stephanie, it looks like the meth habit started earlier than previously thought


  20. Kelli says:

    Cause I’m THAT much of a nerd.. here’s Denise nowadays…


  21. The Venerable Bede says:

    “Stephanie throws the brownie into the backyard”

    YOU IRRESPONSIBLE JACKASS, the dog could eat that! WHY AM I LETTING MYSELF GET SO OUTRAGED OVER THIS?! Also, what the fuck is she wearing in the 4th and 5th screencaps? Ugh!


  22. Dawn says:

    DAMN I gotta get caught up so I can be a part of these convos! Pet Semetary scared the crap out of me-1st movie that gave me nightmares! Gage totally creeped me-WHAT really scared me was the flashback of the moms sick sister-skin&bones,hair falling out,drooling,that twisted spine&Her laugh-kinda like the Olsen twins on meth LOL that was dumb BTW DID Any1 else see how they squished in Jesses outfit he bought for Michelles ‘image’ & Joeys horrendous laugh from comedy college-2 prev episode refs in one scene?! Her idea of a boy is a cross of joey&Jesse-Now that’s horror!


  23. catwalkspy says:

    *DJ fucks with Stephanie by offering her a brownie that Stephanie is convinced is tainted in some way, possibly by having been rubbed on someone’s taint.*

    Dude. You…you just get me.


  24. Odotry says:

    Aaron Bailey has the right idea staying away from that demon Michelle, it’s a shame he wasn’t able to save Teddy.


  25. carp says:

    Just found this. The great things about it are 1) it rules and 2) your posts are funnier than the comments on the posts 100% of the time.


  26. methylmercury says:

    Why does Stephanie have the same Ariana Grande hairdo in literally every episode


  27. Lloyd Mongul says:

    Aaron Bailey should have told Michelle the difference between sexes he seems to know at least as much as the uncles

    Liked by 1 person

  28. DJ Fuller says:

    Doesn’t Michelle say “let’s play guns” or something in a ridiculous voice? I need to YouTube this right now. And the spaghetti screenshot is so disgusting.


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