Season 5, Episode 24, “Girls Will Be Boys”

Pre-Credits Gag:  Danny tries to teach Michelle how to not be totally disgusting while she eats spaghetti.  Guess what?  He fails.  Why are there so many routines on this show that involve Michelle shoving a bunch of food into her face?  It’s really gross, every time.  Maybe that’s why the Olson twins only collectively gained twenty pounds since these episodes were filmed.

I guess Michelle and her friends from school are the supporting cast of The Ranger Joe Show now.  Aaron Bailey’s even up in that shit.  You’d think that they’d have spent an episode establishing this or something.  Actually, I guess by now we can pretty easily assume that the people from the full house will invade and overtake anything they set their sights on, so it’s not really that surprising that Joey would bring in his own gang of ugly children after becoming the host of a kids show.

After the kids shout the Ranger Joe theme song, Joey is called offstage to have a meeting with Mr. Strowbridge.  I guess it makes sense that the guy who runs Wake Up, San Francisco would also run the Ranger Joe show.  It’s cool, guys.  That one checks out.  No need to criticize.

Aaron Bailey asks Teddy if he wants to come and play at his house but Teddy says that he has plans to kick it with Michelle because they’re best friends.  Aaron Bailey is pretty outraged at this claim on the basis that bitches aint shit but hoes and tricks.

Jesse has a moment with the twins that was so boring and indistinct from every other scene that they’ve ever been in that I can’t even remember what it was, even though I just watched it, just now.  Moments later, Michelle and Teddy come in with Aaron Bailey, who decided to come over after all because he didn’t have shit else to do.  The boys start playing superheroes and Michelle quickly learns why it sucks to have a bunch of boys over when she’s assigned the role of Superman’s mother.

Joey starts bitching to Jesse about how his meeting with Mr. Strowbridge went super shitty because he wants Ranger Joe to have a sidekick.  Joey speculates about who his sidekick should be for a minute and then turns to Jesse and says, “there’s only one guy perfect for the job.”  Seriously, no shit.  Who the fuck else was it going to be?  I guess Danny, maybe.  Anyway, Jesse seems pretty committed to unemployment and argues against taking the job until Joey is able to persuade him by creating the role of “Lumberjack Jess.”  I don’t know why that appeals to him so much, but it does.

While gossiping on the phone with Kimmie Gibbler about who stuffs their bras at school, DJ catches Stephanie listening in on their conversation.  DJ takes advantage of the situation by allowing Stephanie to overhear that she’s about to be the victim of an elaborate scheme.

Michelle gets sick of the boys’ stupid boy games and demands that they play house.  Teddy seems pretty down for it but Aaron Bailey’s like, “fuck that shit,” and convinces Teddy to come over to his house so they can do boy stuff like play guns and pee in the toilet at the same time.  After getting totally dissed by her homey, Michelle looks sad while sad music plays and it’s nice to see that this show can actually make me laugh sometimes.  I really have to admire Aaron Bailey for being totally insipid and bringing unrest into the full house.  I wish he was around a lot more.

While Joey and Jesse rehearse for the debut of Lumberjack Jess, Michelle comes in and asks them what make girls different than boys.  Jesse struggles to provide an explanation and eventually tells her that boys lead in dancing, can grow beards and have shorter bathroom lines at public events.  That’s really all he tells her.

DJ fucks with Stephanie by offering her a brownie that Stephanie is convinced is tainted in some way, possibly by having been rubbed on someone’s taint.  Stephanie throws the brownie into the backyard and tells DJ that she knows all about her evil scheme because she listened in on her phone conversation.

DJ tells Stephanie that she was just fucking with her so she would out her own invasive behavior.  Stephanie says that she’s learned a valuable lesson but insinuates that she’ll continue to invade DJ’s privacy in the future.  I guess that since the music didn’t come on, this conflict couldn’t be fully resolved.

Teddy and Aaron Bailey come back to the full house, which I thought was odd because they only just left, plus how are these kids getting around anyway?  I guess maybe they all live real near each other.  There’s actually a great bit of expository dialogue where Aaron Bailey asks why they’re there and Teddy tells him that Michelle has a surprise for them, then Aaron bailey says, “oh yeah.”  Way to lay out the premise, fellas.  Michelle comes down the stairs wearing pants and a jacket and says in a weird husky voice that she’s a boy now.  Way to work those acting chops, Olsen twin.  Danny looks perturbed but Teddy and Aaron Bailey buy it as a valid reason for them to all play together.

After the kids head upstairs, Danny tells Becky that he’s pretty weirded out by Michelle’s gender transition and she asks him if he ever had a similar phase, at which point he admits that he wanted to be Julie Andrews for Halloween once when he was a kid.  Damn, things are downright homofabulous in the full house this week!

Michelle is immediately disqualified from being a boy when she tries to nurse the imaginary wounds inflicted on Teddy during their game of guns.  Teddy and Aaron Bailey ditch Michelle yet again and then Danny comes into the room because he’s really concerned about Michelle wanting to be a boy.  Seriously, even after the Julie Andrews confession, he feels a need to intervene here?  It’s bad enough that this show has treated homosexuality as a big ridiculous joke for 5 Seasons, now they have to undercut the transgender community, too?  I’m gonna call GLAAD about this shit.

The music comes on as Danny explains to Michelle that Teddy doesn’t want to hang out with her because he’s going through a stage and that if he’s really a rad friend then he’ll come back eventually.  Then he starts listing reasons why Michelle is awesome, which is pretty fucking hard to watch.  I guess the episode was running short or something.

Hey, what?  Usually the scene with the music is at the end, but this episode keeps going.  Why does there have to be more?

Anyway, on the set of the Ranger Joe show, Aaron Baily and Teddy display a clearly defined dom/sub relationship, cementing this as the gayest episode of Full House so far. Michelle snubs Teddy and befriends Denise, who she seems to be meeting for the first time even though she was on the episode of the Ranger Joe show that was filmed at the beginning of the episode.

As the Ranger Joe show begins to record, Lumberjack Jess sees his debut, wherein the kids all laugh in hysterics at his stupid hat.  Jesse and Joey squabble about whether or not Jesse can go through with the role, which you think they’d work out ahead of time, not right on the air.  Jesse eventually concedes and plays a muzac-worthy cover of “Knock on Wood” with his shitty band while the kids all dance around.  It’s really an odd moment.  The kids just flail around for at least 30 full seconds while the music plays, and it’s hard not to wonder how this even qualifies as entertainment.  I guess it’s better than watching Danny make a list of reasons why Michelle is great, but it’s no less conspicuous an attempt to kill time.

After the Ranger Joe shows ends, Michelle heads off to hang out with her new friend Denise and tells Teddy that he can go fuck himself.  Teddy says he’s tired of bending over for Aaron Bailey and wants to hang out with chicks again and then he and Michelle make up.  As Teddy heads off with two broads on his arms, Aaron Bailey shows up and asks if he can come hang out with them too and then they let him because there are no consequences for being an obnoxious asshole on this show.

Firsts:  Michelle is dissed, Jesse as Lumberjack Jess, Denise