Season 5, Episode 25, “Captain Video-Part 1”

As Michelle is initiated into the Honeybees, Stephanie tries desperately to steal her thunder by prattling on incessantly about her own achievements as a Honeybee, proving yet again that she should have been Judy Winslowed a long time ago.  Wait, maybe I should be supporting of Stephanie trying to steal attention away from Michelle because I hate Michelle’s guts so much.  It’s hard to know what to do with all these negative emotions sometimes.

Immediately after Joey finishes listening to a new song that Jesse has written for the Ranger Joe show, he informs Jesse that he’s been fired.  So why’d he stand there and listen to his song first before he told him?  He’s not fired because of the song, it’s because of budget cuts.  Argh, I hate Joey so much!  Why does he have to be such a piece of shit every single time he does anything?  Oh, but wait, I guess it is kind of hilarious that Jesse got fired.  Man, there’s just so many things to hate on, I don’t even know what to do with it all anymore.  Anyway, Jesse decides that being reunited with his sweet, sweet mistress unemployment will once again allow him to focus on his sorry ass music “career” and starts putting together a demo tape for some new music label.

DJ puts together an elaborate presentation about Spain as an attempt to persuade Danny to let her do an exchange program there.  Seriously, where’d she get all that stuff?  Danny is hesitant to let her go and says that he has to think about it, but who cares about that?  Check out the dog’s funny hat!

As the family sit down to dinner, Michelle busts out a bunch of pudding that she made in order to earn a Honeybee badge for cooking.  Everyone tries it and quickly discovers the inclusion of cheese and olives in the recipe, but for some reason they all still feel a need to appease Michelle by eating it.  It’s kind of like that Twilight Zone Episode with the kid who can read everyone’s thoughts and controls reality who makes everyone pretend that they like him all the time even though he’s an insufferable prick.  In the very next instant, Jesse comes home from dropping off his demo tape and tries the pudding.  Not knowing that Michelle made it, he makes a big point of how awful it is and then Michelle makes a sad face and the audience goes, “aww.”  Maybe that explains why everyone in the full house feels a need to appease Michelle all the time.  Maybe they can hear that “aww.”  Imagine if every time you made an ugly little girl sad, a loud, collective “aww” came through the wall.  I think that’d be unsettling enough to make you appease her at least most of the time.

As Jesse and Becky lay around with their appallingly uninteresting children, Jesse discovers that he has a grey hair and launches into a big self-absorbed crisis.  Just as he’s in the middle of ignoring the needs of his wife and children in order to examine his own hair, the phone rings, bringing the news that Jesse’s album has been rejected by the record label because it lacks a hit single.  Jesse’s already overwhelming self-pity multiplies as he laments his total lack of a career, forcing Becky into a consoling position because I guess her financial support isn’t enough so she has to support him emotionally as well.

After they make a guest appearance on Wake Up, San Francisco, Becky is able to talk Beach Boys members and frequent Full House guest stars Mike Love and Bruce Johnston to come over to give Jesse a pep talk.

Seriously, what’s up with the Beach Boys guest starring on Full House all the time?  It’s like the sole reason that I thought they were lame when I was a kid. Anyway, there are a bunch of weird jokes about Mike Love wanting to eat Becky’s cooking and then the guys from the Beach Boys agree to have a jam session with Jesse and his shitty band.

After a performance of the Beach Boys song, “Forever,” the guys from the band offer to let Jesse record it as a single on his album.  Everyone celebrates this terrible idea by singing “Surfin’ U.S.A.” while sitting around a bunch of food.

As Jesse heads out to bring his newly recorded demo to the music label, he takes a minute to try Michelle’s new recipe, which is a combination of tuna and ice cream.  He tells her that it sucks ass and she begins to feel sorry for herself again, but he says that she needs to persevere if she wants to be successful.  This leads to a montage of clips of Jesse’s various loser musician gigs throughout the series, including several jobs that he acquired in an episode that were never mentioned again.  Jesse then tells Michelle to stop combining incompatible ingredients, which is a rare example of sensible advice being given on this show, and then he leaves to go drop off his demo tape.

DJ continues to ride Danny’s ass about whether or not she can go to Spain until he finally agrees to let her go, presumably so she’ll get the fuck away from him.  In the next moment Stephanie enters the living room and offers everyone frozen orange juice on a stick.  Everyone stands around enjoying it and then it’s revealed that Michelle made them, thereby earning her first Honeybee badge.  Not satisfied with the convergence of these two riveting plot lines, Jesse enters the full house with some really sleazy looking guy from the record label who tells everyone that he gave Jesse a recording contract.  Why he agreed to go over to the full house to tell Jesse’s family about it after signing him is beyond me.

The record label guy says that if Jesse wants to make it big like such superstars as Michael Jackson and Hammer, he has to learn to dance.  Jesse makes a strong claim that he doesn’t dance, which the family all feel the need to back up, presumably because this has not been mentioned or addressed once in 5 Seasons.  There was even a clip earlier in the episode of Jesse doing an Elvis impersonation in which he did a choreographed dance, but whatever.  Anyway, for whatever reason, this qualifies as a cliffhanger, so we’ll have to wait until next week’s Season finale to find out what happens…

And in conclusion, I just had to mention for the last time that Jesse got a recording contract at the end of last Season.  It really bugs the shit out of me that it’s never been mentioned since it happened, especially since him trying to get a contract has been such a focus all Season.

 

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63 Responses to Season 5, Episode 25, “Captain Video-Part 1”

  1. JerrBear says:

    Picture 9; looks like Uncle Jessie needs to be arrested. Bad touch!

    Like

  2. Kamdan says:

    I can’t wait to hear your thoughts on the eventual music video for Forever. Man, it’s distributing!

    Like

    • Joey's Mannequin says:

      I’ve been looking forward to that episode ever since I started reading this. God it’s terrible. NAKED BABIES!

      Like

  3. Teebore says:

    Wait, maybe I should be supporting of Stephanie trying to steal attention away from Michelle because I hate Michelle’s guts so much.

    Yes, that one. Also, I think “Judy Winslowed” needs to be the universal term for that phenomenon.

    …he informs Jesse that he’s been fired

    Wow, that was like the shortest subplot ever. I guess kudos for not just dropping it?

    DJ puts together an elaborate presentation about Spain as an attempt to persuade Danny to let her do an exchange program there.

    Should that be necessary? Isn’t the opportunity to study abroad something of a significant achievement and something a parent should be proud of? Unless it’s a money thing, but when as that ever been a problem for this house full of freeloaders? Or is really a legitimate concern parents have?

    It’s kind of like that Twilight Episode with the kid who can read everyone’s thoughts and controls reality who makes everyone pretend that they like him all the time even though he’s an insufferable prick.

    Shit, this entire series is pretty much that episode writ large, isn’t it?

    “Well, class the history of our country has been changed again, to correspond with Bart’s answers on yesterday’s test. America was now discovered in 1942 by … `Some Guy’. And our country isn’t called America any more. It’s Bonerland.”

    It’s like the sole reason that I thought they were lame when I was a kid.

    Ditto. I remember the first time I came across an article citing Pet Sounds as one of the definitive albums of all time, and thinking “Really? Those lame old guys who were always on Full House?”

    Liked by 1 person

    • Jordan says:

      I totally agree with this, Teebore. In the back of my mind, I still sort of feel a slight “ehhhhh” when the Beach Boys are mentioned, only because, growing up, it was either seeing/hearing them on Full House, or hearing Barbara Ann over and over and over again.

      Sloop John B kicks ass, though.

      Like

      • motoxchick says:

        Haha, they didn’t even write Sloop John B. It’s an old traditional sailing song. Way to nail that one, Beach Boys!

        Like

      • Teebore says:

        Yes. Yes it does.

        Like

      • Astrowaffle says:

        side track: Okkervil River does a great song that incorporates sloop john b http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_wAS8JUP39I

        Like

      • jannghi says:

        Yes, that one. Also, I think “Judy Winslowed” needs to be the universal term for that phenomenon.

        Actually, it’s called “Chuck Cunningham Syndrome,” after the oldest son on “Happy Days,” who disappeared without explanation from that show, much the same way as Judy Winslow did from “Family matters.” In both cases, a minor character added for flavor eventually took over the show–Fonzie on “Happy Days” and Urkel on “Family Matters.” Kimmy didn’t take over the show, though and Stephanie was too prominent from the early seasons to just be written out in that same fashion. Chuck on “Happy Days” and Judy on “Family Matters,” however, didn’t get a lot of plots or lines and were quickly forgotten.

        Like

    • guiltypanacea says:

      It was several years after Full House went off the sir before I realized that Pet Sounds is an amazing album, but Mike Love is a talentless hack with no redeeming value. I’m not surprised he would hang out with Uncle Jesse.

      Like

    • The Venerable Bede says:

      Two things: 1, I totally think I know what list you’re referring to! Was it the Rolling Stones one?: http://www.rollingstone.com/music/lists/500-greatest-albums-of-all-time-20120531/the-beach-boys-pet-sounds-20120524

      2, I agree on the points about studying abroad being a thing of pride for most people and their families, and the fact that money shouldn’t be an issue for the Tanner “Why don’t you move in with us?” family. But I also can see why Danny, as a character, would be hesitant about D.J. running around another country without his crazy eyes to watch over her. I mean, remember how psycho he got about D.J. learning how to drive in a parking lot? I can imagine the nightmares he has while D.J. is in Spain!

      Like

  4. Angela says:

    The “Twilight Zone” episode you compare Michelle with here-that is perfect.

    Yay! We’re getting to the music video! Oh, man, I look SO forward to your review next week (which I realized I’ll have to wait a few days on because I’ll be out of town then. Damnit!). You’ll have fun with that episode, I promise.

    Like

  5. like one of the replies above, I’m looking forward to your review of the episode where Uncle Jesse covers “Forever” with a video.
    That shit was brutal when I was a kid; I can’t imagine it’s aged well.

    Like

  6. Crashing Sally says:

    How is this a lesson for perseverance?? I mean, fuck. So after devoting his entire life to writing shitty music, it’s somehow supposed to have paid off because his well-to-do wife brought the Beach Boys over and they simply let him cover THEIR shitty song. He still hasn’t DONE anything!!! What a worthless piece of shit.

    Like

  7. Joel says:

    The forever video isn’t until next season I think. If memory serves me right it features the ugly little mop head twins not the lifeless bald potato babies.

    Like

    • Hebrewersfan says:

      I think it does feature the potato babies. Its a whole montage of Jesse kissing them and them staring up at the camera, asking “why the hell did you do this to us”.

      Like

      • Penny says:

        No, it definitely features the potato babies, because I remember him throwing one of them in the air at some point during the video. I think it may even feature the potato babies *shudder* naked.

        Like

      • Mike Brown says:

        The episode that features the Forever video I believe is the next episode after this one (part 2). And if my memory serves me correctly, MTV’s Martha Quinn makes an appearance!

        Like

      • Leslie says:

        That would be the second time Martha Quinn is on the show. She also appears as “The Axe” at the station where Jesse and Joey are the Rush Hour Renegades (comin at’cha).

        Like

      • navarro says:

        Wow what a thread!

        Like

      • Lauren H says:

        Next week’s review should be amazing. Not only for the review of the video, but the review of the video that was originally conceived (which I’m looking forward to most).

        And holy shit Leslie, I totally forgot about the Rush Hour Renegades! LMAO I wonder how long that job ends up actually lasting because until this blog, I never realized all the inconsistencies and unannounced endings of Jesse’s many jobs/music contracts.

        Like

    • JerrBear says:

      And it features *every* early 90s music video cliche!

      Like

      • Sally says:

        So true! I, for one, cannot wait!! Leather vest without shirt, thousands of candles…I even think there’s some kind of drum sequence that looks like the “I’ll Be Watching You” video by The Police! It’s 90s cliche hell!!

        Like

      • PattyD says:

        I have tears running down my face from laughing so hard… I COMPLETELY forgot about Rush Hour Renegades (comin’ at cha)!

        Like

  8. Erin Elias says:

    Even better than the eventual “Forever” music video are all the practice sessions, where Jesse is wearing pants that make him look like Aladdin in some kind of dim nod to late 90s hip-hop fashion. “Do the Jess-man.” I’ve been waiting for that episode review.

    That, and the one where they go to Disneyland. C’mon, Season 6!

    Like

    • Recovering Fan says:

      Oh God! I want to see that now.

      This reminds me of Family Matters, when Eddie Winslow made a music video– the first being about himself and how much of a mack daddy he is. BUT WAIT! Then he realizes that he’s being pompous (or some such lesson), and re-makes the video with his whole family in it, including Grandma scratching some records. Oh, Grandma Winslow, you so sassy (Kriss Kross DID take her up on stage at their last concert, after all).

      I think it’s YouTube time. I gotta go see all these amazing videos.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Lauren H says:

        LMAO Recovering Fan! That episode must have happened long after I bailed on that show, but it sounds hilariously awful.

        Like

  9. Mike Brown says:

    Excellent as usual, sir. Thank you for making me laugh today. I needed it. And I absolutely love the suit that Jesse is wearing in the last screen shot. White t-shirt with a gray suit. Classic 90s! God, I miss the 90s.

    Like

  10. Bruce Johnson says:

    Like I always say, if you can’t run with the “BIG DOGS”, stay off the porch.

    Like

  11. Bridget says:

    Comet in that hat is very cute! Maybe to give more credence to the Twilight Zone “It’s a Good Life” the family could say, “It’s a good thing you made that food, Michelle! A very good thing!”

    Like

  12. sneezer8482 says:

    So, I can explain the Beach Boys/Full House Connection (if it has been explained before, just skip it):

    about 34 seconds in will explain it. 🙂

    Like

  13. Bridget says:

    It sounds disgusting, but I mixed up barbeque sauce with tuna instead of mayo and it was good! Jim-Bob Duggar gave me the idea and it’s not as gross as tuna with ice cream.

    Like

  14. DawnieP says:

    “the phone rings, bringing the news that Jesse’s album has been rejected by the record label because it lacks a hit single.”

    –Whatever happened to the days where they threw your demo in the trash and you would never hear from them again?

    Like

  15. Sarah Portland says:

    Joey got all the way through Jersey’s song before firing him because he’s an opportunist. He figured he’d give it a listen to see if it was usable on the show 😛

    Like

  16. Ben says:

    That’s the metalhead guy from “Head Of The Class” as the record label guy!

    Like

  17. “Maybe they can hear that “aww.” Imagine if every time you made an ugly little girl sad, a loud, collective “aww” came through the wall. I think that’d be unsettling enough to make you appease her at least most of the time.”

    I definitely think that would work on me!

    Jermsey’s advice is null and void because his example is to keep trying with the same shitty formula. So by that logic, he should have been telling Michelle to keep forcing tuna and ice cream on everyone.

    And finally, I can’t believe that Danny has (at least so far, though I feel some backpedaling coming) agreed to let DJ go study abroad. Isn’t that really more of a college thing? Anyway, I’d say fuck no. Do it in college. Or go on a mission or what ever Candace Cameron would do.

    Like

  18. Dr. Bitz says:

    I was out of town last weekend so when I started reading this review I got worried I missed the video! Luckily this was not the episode…but it’s coming…oh Lordy it’s coming.

    So Jesse gets a job last episode and then is fired at the beginning of this episode? I’m not sure whether we should mock how short that plotline was or be shocked Full House decided to resolve it at all. As you said, they completely forgot about Jesse’s recording contract at the end of last season which is made even more egregious by the fact that they remembered that plotline at the beginning of this season!

    Oh well, it just makes it more obvious that, at this point, the writers are just throwing shit against the wall and seeing what makes the audience go “awwwwww.”

    Also, I also agree with what’s been said. I blame Full House for thinking The Beach Boys were nothing but a corny novelty band. Then I heard they rivaled the Beatles in the 1960’s and Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band was created in an attempt to outdo Pet Sounds and…well…my mind was blown.

    So, in conclusion, appearing on Full House is one of the worst PR moves you can make. I hope they were paid for their appearance (and get royalties).

    Like

  19. Jimmy says:

    Freezing orange juice isn’t cooking.

    Like

  20. Becki says:

    I really hated it when Jesse wanted to record Forever and either Mike Love or Bruce turned to him and said ” Yeah, you can have it” ( or something to that effect). First off Forever was written by Dennis Wilson, not Mike Asshole Love,or Bruce. Dennis even sang lead on the song Forever. The Beach boys just provided backing vocals. I guess since Dennis Wilson is dead Mike just figured he could give Dennis’ song away. What a Jerk! Sorry for the rant. I cannot stand Mike Love. And the video is God-awful. Why Jesse has the twins in it is beyond me. He should have had Becky in it. Forever is not the kind of song one should sing to kids,since it is kind of a romantic song. Also Jesse holds one of the twins naked up above him,right in front of his face. You can see the baby’s balls between it’s legs. I thought Jesse holding the baby naked 4 inches from his face was gross and I hope the kid pissed in his face in a out take.

    Like

    • Rose says:

      I know this is over a year later, but, it would be hilarious if you were “Aunt Becky” writing this comment. 😉

      I am still working my way through the archives, but this line….
      “Maybe they can hear that “aww.” Imagine if every time you made an ugly little girl sad, a loud, collective “aww” came through the wall. I think that’d be unsettling enough to make you appease her at least most of the time.”

      ….just completely slayed me with laughter, enough to come out of lurker-dom. Can’t wait to read the rest. 😀

      Like

  21. Bridget says:

    You could see the baby’s junk for reals? I thought they would blur it out like TLC does when a baby boy is born or when a guy streaks on the news or when they report a nudist colony. On the pilot, Michelle was naked but they covered it up with her dress and paper towels.

    Like

  22. PattyD says:

    That screencap of Danny’s face while he tried the pudding is how I imagine we all look as we watch Full House.

    Like

  23. e_x_i_t says:

    “It’s kind of like that Twilight Zone Episode with the kid who can read everyone’s thoughts and controls reality who makes everyone pretend that they like him all the time even though he’s an insufferable prick.”

    I made the same reference in my rant about how Michelle is the devil, I think it was in the S4 wrap up review? I really can’t remember and I literally just wrote it last night….I think.

    Like

  24. jannghi says:

    Anyone ever notice that Michelle’s involvement in the Honeybees was rarely mentioned after this episode? DJ, who was already retired as a Honeybee when the series began, mentioned her involvement a few times, and over the first few seasons, Stephanie’s involvement came up several times, including the slumber party episode. But Michelle as a Honeybee rarely came up after this episode.

    Like

  25. fists of love says:

    From now on I am going to say “dropping off a Jesse and the rippers demo” as a euphemism for defecation.

    Like

  26. redread says:

    Wow. Did not know until now that “Forever” was actually a Beach Boys song. Learn something new every day!

    Like

    • beautifulsorta says:

      I think a lot of people who grew up when this show was relevant are the same way. Full House really stole the song…not that they made it better or anything like that. It just has a really strong association with the show.

      Like

  27. Austin says:

    You know your music career is at a new low when you’re appearing on local morning talk shows. Maybe if Mike Love had any talent, he could get on Johnny Carson for once.

    Like

  28. Austin says:

    You know your music career is at a new low when you’re appearing on local morning talk shows. Maybe if Mike Love had any talent, he could get on Johnny Carson for once. It’s got to be rough when all your fans hate you.

    Like

  29. Lisa says:

    I always thought Candace Cameron’s body language in screencap #8 was so painfully uncomfortable. The producers clearly put her there so Mike Love could fondle her hair when referencing blondes in “Surfin’ USA”, but she looks like being anywhere else, even next to an Olsen, would be preferable. Does Mike Love smell?

    Like

  30. Jen says:

    Of course Jersey had to bring the record guy home to tell the family the news. Otherwise, why else would they believe him?

    Like

  31. BlondieRock13 says:

    “Why he agreed to go over to the full house to tell Jesse’s family about it after signing him is beyond me.”

    LOL I dunno, after the last season’s magically disappearing contract… I’m starting to wonder if Jersey lied about it and now feels the need to prove he’s not entirely full of shit about actually getting a contract. He probably begged the guy to come give him some credibility.

    Like

  32. Stacy Hirsh says:

    When you mentioned about Michelle being like the kid from the Twilight Zone, i was thinking, you are so right! Everybody is always agreeing about everything Michelle says or does, and it is really sickening! 😡

    Like

  33. BardicLiving says:

    What on earth? I have no memory of this episode, and I’ve even read through this blog before. What’s the opposite of deja-vu?

    Like

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