Season 5, Episode 25, “Captain Video-Part 1”

As Michelle is initiated into the Honeybees, Stephanie tries desperately to steal her thunder by prattling on incessantly about her own achievements as a Honeybee, proving yet again that she should have been Judy Winslowed a long time ago.  Wait, maybe I should be supporting of Stephanie trying to steal attention away from Michelle because I hate Michelle’s guts so much.  It’s hard to know what to do with all these negative emotions sometimes.

Immediately after Joey finishes listening to a new song that Jesse has written for the Ranger Joe show, he informs Jesse that he’s been fired.  So why’d he stand there and listen to his song first before he told him?  He’s not fired because of the song, it’s because of budget cuts.  Argh, I hate Joey so much!  Why does he have to be such a piece of shit every single time he does anything?  Oh, but wait, I guess it is kind of hilarious that Jesse got fired.  Man, there’s just so many things to hate on, I don’t even know what to do with it all anymore.  Anyway, Jesse decides that being reunited with his sweet, sweet mistress unemployment will once again allow him to focus on his sorry ass music “career” and starts putting together a demo tape for some new music label.

DJ puts together an elaborate presentation about Spain as an attempt to persuade Danny to let her do an exchange program there.  Seriously, where’d she get all that stuff?  Danny is hesitant to let her go and says that he has to think about it, but who cares about that?  Check out the dog’s funny hat!

As the family sit down to dinner, Michelle busts out a bunch of pudding that she made in order to earn a Honeybee badge for cooking.  Everyone tries it and quickly discovers the inclusion of cheese and olives in the recipe, but for some reason they all still feel a need to appease Michelle by eating it.  It’s kind of like that Twilight Zone Episode with the kid who can read everyone’s thoughts and controls reality who makes everyone pretend that they like him all the time even though he’s an insufferable prick.  In the very next instant, Jesse comes home from dropping off his demo tape and tries the pudding.  Not knowing that Michelle made it, he makes a big point of how awful it is and then Michelle makes a sad face and the audience goes, “aww.”  Maybe that explains why everyone in the full house feels a need to appease Michelle all the time.  Maybe they can hear that “aww.”  Imagine if every time you made an ugly little girl sad, a loud, collective “aww” came through the wall.  I think that’d be unsettling enough to make you appease her at least most of the time.

As Jesse and Becky lay around with their appallingly uninteresting children, Jesse discovers that he has a grey hair and launches into a big self-absorbed crisis.  Just as he’s in the middle of ignoring the needs of his wife and children in order to examine his own hair, the phone rings, bringing the news that Jesse’s album has been rejected by the record label because it lacks a hit single.  Jesse’s already overwhelming self-pity multiplies as he laments his total lack of a career, forcing Becky into a consoling position because I guess her financial support isn’t enough so she has to support him emotionally as well.

After they make a guest appearance on Wake Up, San Francisco, Becky is able to talk Beach Boys members and frequent Full House guest stars Mike Love and Bruce Johnston to come over to give Jesse a pep talk.

Seriously, what’s up with the Beach Boys guest starring on Full House all the time?  It’s like the sole reason that I thought they were lame when I was a kid. Anyway, there are a bunch of weird jokes about Mike Love wanting to eat Becky’s cooking and then the guys from the Beach Boys agree to have a jam session with Jesse and his shitty band.

After a performance of the Beach Boys song, “Forever,” the guys from the band offer to let Jesse record it as a single on his album.  Everyone celebrates this terrible idea by singing “Surfin’ U.S.A.” while sitting around a bunch of food.

As Jesse heads out to bring his newly recorded demo to the music label, he takes a minute to try Michelle’s new recipe, which is a combination of tuna and ice cream.  He tells her that it sucks ass and she begins to feel sorry for herself again, but he says that she needs to persevere if she wants to be successful.  This leads to a montage of clips of Jesse’s various loser musician gigs throughout the series, including several jobs that he acquired in an episode that were never mentioned again.  Jesse then tells Michelle to stop combining incompatible ingredients, which is a rare example of sensible advice being given on this show, and then he leaves to go drop off his demo tape.

DJ continues to ride Danny’s ass about whether or not she can go to Spain until he finally agrees to let her go, presumably so she’ll get the fuck away from him.  In the next moment Stephanie enters the living room and offers everyone frozen orange juice on a stick.  Everyone stands around enjoying it and then it’s revealed that Michelle made them, thereby earning her first Honeybee badge.  Not satisfied with the convergence of these two riveting plot lines, Jesse enters the full house with some really sleazy looking guy from the record label who tells everyone that he gave Jesse a recording contract.  Why he agreed to go over to the full house to tell Jesse’s family about it after signing him is beyond me.

The record label guy says that if Jesse wants to make it big like such superstars as Michael Jackson and Hammer, he has to learn to dance.  Jesse makes a strong claim that he doesn’t dance, which the family all feel the need to back up, presumably because this has not been mentioned or addressed once in 5 Seasons.  There was even a clip earlier in the episode of Jesse doing an Elvis impersonation in which he did a choreographed dance, but whatever.  Anyway, for whatever reason, this qualifies as a cliffhanger, so we’ll have to wait until next week’s Season finale to find out what happens…

And in conclusion, I just had to mention for the last time that Jesse got a recording contract at the end of last Season.  It really bugs the shit out of me that it’s never been mentioned since it happened, especially since him trying to get a contract has been such a focus all Season.