Season 5, Episode 26, “Captain Video-Part 2”

As was conveniently established last episode, Jesse is a super shitty dancer, so he has to take lessons in order to perform in the upcoming music video for “Forever.”  The guys at his record label come by the full house to teach him some moves, and also to play him the rap version of “Forever” that they’ll be using for the video.  Jesse is dismayed by this news, but has little time to speak out about it before beginning a crash course in doing the running man.

Remember that dance?  That shit was everywhere in the early 90’s.  Even Stephanie and Aunt Becky were bustin’ it out!

Meanwhile, Michelle starts a lemonade stand so she can buy herself an ant farm.  Also, Kimmie Gibbler says that she’s not going to be able to go to Spain with DJ for the Summer if she fails her Spanish class so DJ agrees to help her study.

Oh my god, how can I possibly describe the filming of the “Forever” music video?  For once, Full House is being terrible on purpose.  It features what the record label guy refers to as an “Arabian genie thing,” and yet somehow it is a rap video.  So this is Full House’s rendition of a rap song, but it’s also a cover of a shitty Beach Boys song.  To top it all off, the filming goes about as well as any given episode of Wake Up, San Francisco, and by that I of course mean that it’s a fucking disaster.  Oh, also, there’s a break-down where everybody does, “the Jess-Man.”

After Jesse fucks up a whole bunch of choreography that wouldn’t have been that impressive even if he’d done it right, the director becomes exasperated and tells Jesse that he sucks.  To be fair, Jesse was pretty upfront about how shitty he was going to be at dancing and it’s really their own fault for not listening.  Anyway, Jesse decides that if he wants to make a terrible music video for his shitty rendition of a Beach Boys song that nobody even liked in the first place, he’s gonna do it on his own terms, so he tells the guys at the record label to go fuck themselves and storms off the set.

As DJ coaxes Kimmie Gibbler through a late-night Spanish tutorial, Kimmie Gibbler becomes exhausted and makes the request, “el sleepo, bego-o please-o,” which reminds me of a lot of other similar jokes about the Spanish language that have been sprinkled throughout the series.  Why is saying “el” and then words in english with an “o” at the end of them supposed to be such a funny rendition of Spanish?  At least they didn’t mention the fast food chain El Pollo Loco this time.  Anyway, Danny knocks on the door because I guess he checks on DJ at midnight all the time and then the girls scramble to hide the fact that they’re up late studying even though that’s the squarest thing to cover up that I can even imagine.  Kimmie Gibbler hides under DJ’s covers while DJ hides in the closet and then Danny comes in and wants to kiss and talk about studying.  I don’t know, you guys.  All this kissing in the full house is starting to get pretty unsettling.  It’s bad enough to watch the Olsen Twins kiss John Stamos on the mouth fifty times every episode, but now we’ve got Danny coming into DJ’s room in the middle of the night and sitting on the edge of the bed, trying to score smooches.  Deeply unsettling.

Anyway, Danny figures out that it’s Kimmie Gibbler hiding in DJ’s bed because of her stinky feet but then he doesn’t even really give a shit.

Michelle hustles enough lemonade stand money out of Joey to buy her stupid ant farm.  Just then, Jesse and Becky come downstairs as Jesse makes a big statement about how he’s going to do the Arabian genie themed music video under the unlikely pretense that he actually gives a shit about providing for his wife and family.  Michelle offers him her ant farm money so he can start his own record label and the audience members are all deeply touched.  Jesse himself is so touched that he gives her a big kiss, right on the mouth.

The guy from the record label comes over and tries to make Jesse grovel to get his old deal back but then Jesse is inspired by Michelle’s ant farm money offer to make a false claim that he’s been offered a better deal.  The record label guy, like all business professionals, is easily fooled by this flimsy ruse and jumps at the opportunity to accept any conditions Jesse presents.  After the record label guy agrees to record the song and shoot the video however Jesse wants, Jesse celebrates by kissing Michelle on the mouth some more.  I’m not even kidding.

Some time later, Kimmie Gibbler comes over to let everyone in the full house know that she passed her Spanish class so she’ll be going to Spain with DJ for the Summer after all.  Jesse comes downstairs and summons everyone to the living room so they can see him on MTV.  You see, kids, back in the early 90’s, MTV showed music videos all the time.

During his pre-recorded interview with Martha Quinn, Jesse rambles about how bad his gas gets when he’s nervous and then he gives shout-outs to everyone in the full house.  He eventually pulls photos of his babies out of his wallet to ensure that this really is the worst tv interview of all time, even by Wake Up, San Francisco standards, but then something even worse happens.  This is it, you guys.  The music video for “Forever.”

HOLY. FUCK.  How am I ever going to describe this video?  First of all, it seems to be filmed at that same little house or church or whatever in the desert that like ten million early 90’s music videos were filmed in.  You know, the one with all the candles inside?  The video also uses many tropes that you may be familiar with, like tilted camera angles, abrupt zoom-ins, and some really sexy fade-aways.

So the video opens with Uncle Jesse waking up naked in a bed outside, then he jams on his guitar inside for a little while, then there’s this deeply troubling shot of his babies looking pretty upset.

Why would they use a shot where the babies looked so upset?  It’s in slow motion, too!  But I guess that even if they weren’t wearing such perturbed expressions, this abrupt shot of them floating in the sky after a bunch of sexy naked Uncle Jesse shots would be pretty confusing.  Is it like, “this is what happens after you get naked in a bed with Uncle Jesse,”?

There’s really not a lot of variety in this video.  There are a bunch of grainy black-and-white shots of Jesse being all casual on the set and then there’s an awful lot of footage of him holding those babies, often while naked and/or shooting sexy glances.  I can’t think of a single other music video that fetishes being a new dad like this one does.  There isn’t even one woman in the whole video.  There is, however, an alluring shot of Jesse and the babies’ feet.

There are also some shots of the Beach Boys recording vocals in the studio with Jesse, some nice views of the choir, and a really great close up on one of the babies’ naked ass.

After the video’s over, Jesse says, “that was the greatest 2 and a half minutes I’ve ever experienced in my life,” and then Becky gets all pissed, which is a pretty revealing moment about their sex life if you ask me.  I can’t say I’m surprised, though.  Anyway, Jesse gives everyone in the full house a copy of his new cd and then, that’s it.  I made it through Season 5!  Holy shit, what a train wreck!  See you guys next week for Season 5 reviewed, then it’s on to Season 6.